Lost White Kenyan Chick

Christmas Cake Recipe

2011-12-25T11:41:00.004+03:00

- for those of you who can't remember last year's cake recipe.

Ingredients:

* 2 cups flour
* 1 stick butter
* 1 cup of water
* 1 tsp baking soda
* 1 cup of sugar
* 1 tsp salt
* 1 cup of brown sugar
* Lemon juice
* 4 large eggs
* Nuts
* 2 bottle wine
* 2 cups of dried fruit

Sample the wine to check quality.

Take a large bowl, check the wine again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer.

Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.

At this point it's best to make sure the wine is still OK. Try another cup... Just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the frigging fruit up off floor.

Mix on the turner.. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the wine to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something.

Check the wine.

Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or some fink. Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window.

Finish the wine and wipe counter with the cat.
Take a taxi to Nakumatt and buy cake.

Bingle Jells

The Art of Matatu Driving – Part I

2009-09-21T21:14:00.004+03:00

For all those aspiring learner drivers out there desperately wishing to gain their fortune driving a Mathree, i thought i should publish you a series of tips on how to make it in the driving world if you want to be taken seriously.

Stage ONE: As soon as you have taken possession of said vehicle;

a) Disable the speed governor – it is only installed in order to get the mat through inspection and is quite an unnecessary feature on your vehicle now;
b) Disconnect the brake lights – you don’t want anyone behind you knowing you’re going to stop for goodness sake, that would take all the fun out of it for those drivers following you on the road;
c) Remove one half of all of the seat belts – preferably the side where they should buckle in as the passengers can just drape the one side on their laps for effect and taking out the other side means less weight in the vehicle, and also for those who don’t actually have a seat, it means sharing lap straps with the neighbour is much easier, which of course is essential if you’re going to get those extra peeps in.
d) Have MOLOLINE painted on the front of your vehicle so that the traffic cops let you through without blinking, but do make sure you’re travelling at least at 110kph as you approach any police check or they’ll realise you’ve faked the sign

Stage TWO: Get it on the road;

a) Put enough fuel to get you to the stage from which you want to start your pick up service – preferably right outside your parking spot so no fuel is needed, and then save the rest of any spare cash you have on you to pay to the mungiki at the terminus to help you through living to the next day.
b) As soon as you can persuade some passengers to get in – usually nicely done with a lot of noise and a small bit of threatening about how you know where they live and you have “friends”should do it – collect some cash and then send one of the prospective peeps down to the nearest petrol station to get yourself a kasmall kibuyu of fuel to get you out of the stage and onto the main road. When you run out of fuel in the middle of the highway it seems people are so much more co-operative about shelling out their cash for fuel in a hurry.

Stage THREE; Now you’re moving, these are critical manoeuvres that should be followed at ALL times;

a) Remember never to pull over to pick up passengers, and do NOT use designated bus stops at any time – these are for buses! If you see someone standing on the side of the road, flash your lights, beep the horn and then stop dead in the middle of the road and shout for them to get in.
b) If you see more people 50 metres up the road, don’t stress, floor it and then jam the brakes on 50 metres up the road to make sure you pick them up to.
c) Continue this procedure every 50 metres or so until the mat is jam packed. All seats must be full, floor space taken and at least 3 people should be hanging out the door before you should even think about heading towards wherever these suckers want to go. You’ll have them so tightly jammed in now that they won’t have a choice but to stay with you now!
d) Always remember to indicate to the right if pulling over left or if seeing hot chick on right that you need to then stop and harass.

Finally do some serious protesting to get this new chap out and our man Hussein Ali back in so Michuki rules stay out!

Why the dukawallah is smarter than you - by Ted Malanda

2009-09-16T08:04:00.003+03:00

Superb article sent through to me this morning that was published in the Standard the other day, and i couldn't have all you good people to miss out on so i have had reposted it here.
I'm not sure if that's the politically correct thing to do reposting others commentary but it is excellent - and as a matter of fact - probably a very un PC article in itself!
Here's the link, and below is the article ..

.................................................................................................................

In the unlikely event that the British decided to rebuild the Kenya-Uganda railway, rest assured that the man-eaters of Tsavo, if they still exist, would not be carting away Indian coolies into the boondocks for snacks and dinner.

There would be no Indian coolies in the first place. Instead, the whole railway line would be bustling with youthful — and not so youthful — indigenous Kenyans under the Kazi kwa Vijana initiative.

Yet just over 100 years ago, the locals wouldn’t be caught dead doing such ‘menial’ work, to the extent that the railway line’s entire labour force had to be shipped in from India.

But if it was massive muscle drain for India, then, rounding up the descendants of those coolies today and throwing them out Idi Amin style would result in brain drain so severe that the national economy would be clobbered to its knees. How did they manage this transformation from sweaty labourers to captains of industry when locals are still doing what they were doing then — hunting squirrels, pretending to raise maize on barren land and engaging in tribal warfare every five years?

Strength to strength

Equally, the Brits who were lording it over everyone have virtually scattered. Grogan is gone; Egerton’s castle is in ruins while Lord Delamere now hawks mandazi and milk on the roadside in Naivasha.

But the Kenyan Indian just seems to grow from strength to strength.

I could hazard two reasons for this: One, the Indian doesn’t give a hoot about land. All he needs is a roof over his head and a place to sell his wares.

Wazungu, on the other hand, will lease thousands of hectares of desert land and then pretend to make money out of it from tourists.

How the hell do you do that when crooks are turning all the trees upstream into charcoal?

Africans, on the other hand, will steal and kill each other for land. But after that, they do absolutely nothing with it apart from walking around admiring farm boundaries and selecting burial spots.

The second reason is that the average Indian is more tenacious than a donkey. Note: A millionaire dukawallah will own the same pair of shoes for years unlike a local man who changes wives with his first bank loan.

It’s not easy minting money from a duka, either, as the many locals who sink their retirement benefits into roadside shops can testify. But I admire Indians most for their marriage customs. They are just brilliant, these Indian men.

How did they connive to have women pay them dowry and still manage to sit on them?

Aging mothers

In fact, as soon as they have eaten the dowry that the bride brought, they install her in the family home so that she can take care of their aging mothers as well. Would you believe it!

And to seal the deal, they cover those women from head to toe making it virtually impossible for wife snatchers to salivate. Have you ever seen an Indian woman’s underwear?

Now contrast that with African women who seem hell bent on baring it all to the nearest passerby.

My ancestors thought they were smart yet all they cared about were useless gizzard rights. Why couldn’t they think up a scam like this? Here we pay dowry through the nose yet if one’s mother visits for two weeks, the wife issues an ultimatum: "Either that old hag goes or I’m out."

Life is, indeed, a circus!

Monday !

2009-09-14T08:45:00.002+03:00

I so thought that chick was hiding something ..

2009-09-11T10:18:00.004+03:00

It turns out that you cannot trip up our star Kenyan athlete without having serious balls ...........

Caster Semenya in hiding after tests reveal she has 'internal testes'

Goodness girlfriend, turns out the lippy and nail varnish really didn't work - Pole :(

We will not let Caster Semenya go quietly

2009-09-09T20:38:00.007+03:00

For Kenyans, we actually have a BIG problem with this issue of Semenya.
Forget the fact that she's a little butch and has a seriously deep voice.......

She dared to stand on the head of one of our own !!!!!!!!!!!!

You know, you need to understand one fundamental thing about the Kenyan people. We may be continuously trampled upon by our own government and a bunch of crooks who call themselves 'politicians' daily, but we will, under no circumstances, allow a foreigner to think they can just trip us up and walk over us into a winning position, because i can tell you one thing for nothing - We will NOT accept.

So ''Miss'' Semenya, you may get yourself a girly makeover and be on some campaign to prove to the world that you're a girl, (as word has it that ''apparently, wearing sequins and painting one's nails are proof one is, indeed, truly female), but just know ONE thing. - We couldn't actually care less which side you are batting for, we just know that if you hadn't tripped up our own Janet Jepkoskei - testosterone or no testosterone she would have kicked your butt baby!

Jepkoskei may have shaken herself off and come back for the final - because that's what it is to be Kenyan - (we do the shaking off and coming back to perfection on a daily basis) - but the poor girl wasn't given a chance to become any place but second as she had to spend her whole race watching out for those large Semenya thighs heading her way for a tripping rerun!

P.S. Please honestly tell me if you believe this is anything but a bloke dressed up in female clothing and a bad weave!

GADGETS

2009-08-21T11:25:00.003+03:00

FM08 - CAR FM TRANSMITTER WITH REMOTE CONTROL

USB Controller interface to read any USB flash
Memory Card Controller to read any SD/MMC
Built-in digital FM transmitter module to broadcast MP3/WMA/WAV music format files
Support Stereo Series (Stereo Cable to connect Audio CD Walkman, MP3, MP4 or iPOD)
16bit Large multilayer screen to display track and all other information
High Volume level
Built-in EQ for perfect digital sound output.

A must for all Music Lovers!
Please call or email:
ELECTRO DOMESTICO LTD

This ad slipped into my inbox this morning.
For a start i do not understand what on earth they are selling here as i am a little behind in my geek language and seem to be struggling with SD/MMCs, WMA/WAV and EQs so don't know what the hell they are talking about and my big issue with this little gadget is actually .........

HOW THE HELL DO I LIGHT MY CIGARETTES ??

Ssshhh ........... it's me - slipped in under the radar !!

2009-04-20T10:00:00.003+03:00

Slipped out for a while - defected to Wordpress - didn't much like it there ....... probably not enough critics - so thought I'd shoot back in here under the radar and hang out here again via Twitter.

Karibu tena chaps .......

follow me on Twitter

Yoooo Hoooooo .......

2008-08-08T15:23:00.003+03:00

I'm over here ........

http://lostkenyanchick.wordpress.com/

..... catch me if you can

Skiing Ostrich - Awesome video clips here

Time for change .......

2008-08-07T11:56:00.005+03:00

- and let's just hope that this is "Change you can Believe In".

I have been such a slacker recently when it comes to writing my blog and it's not really because I've got nothing to say. There has hardly been a time in my life really when I haven't had much to say - except probably when I've been put under general anaesthetic - but god help you if you're the one standing by my bedside when I come round as it has this fantastic effect on me that sends my mouth into overdrive (with jolly colourful words mostly), and I become momentarily insane (even more than the usual can you believe), and I start punching everyone around me! ..... Don't say you haven't been warned now!

But it's OK peeps, relax there. You can come out from behind your computer screens as although it may seem that I have been put under anaesthetic as the rambling has been temporarily halted, actually i am, and have been, fully conscious throughout and it's actually ......

.... BLOGGER.COM's fault, so HA ! (I so like passing the buck, I mean it couldn't possibly be that I'm just a lazy git and really can't be arsed to think of what to say, or to press the 'blogspot' button more than once because it doesn't go through the first time and I have the patience of a flea!)

I don't know about you lot out there but I am actually having a serious problem getting onto most of the 'blogger.com' sites. It keeps booting me out with a blank page and a cute little comment in the corner that says "done" - although what it thinks it has done is quite beyond me as all I get is a perfectly blank screen!! Yet all those blogs who go through different portals such as wordpress or tumblr don't seem to have a problem at all. So, think I might just look into the pros and cons of defection to 'the other side'!

And by the way, it's not the only thing I'm defecting from.

I have "officially" - letter and all - defected from my job.
* Gasp *

It's all been a bit of a shock to the staff and myself actually. I'm not sure that I was fully intent on leaving at the moment but things have been a little tricky around here recently and it seems that if one gets smacked round the chops enough times, your enthusiasm for what you are doing finally wanes funnily enough.

So that's me, that's where I am at.

I've always been good at 'legging it' and I was kind of overdue for some major change, so have decided to move on to pastures greener, and will take my blog with me too!

So it's Adieu for now Peeps, and we'll see you on the other side.
- That is of course when I can work out where the 'other side' might be.
I'll keep you posted - *gosh, how droll of me *

Just a couple of little tidbits to keep you going whilst I go about transferring my life to the next door field;

"DEPUTY PM MUSALIA MUDAVADI FIRES 64 COUNCILLORS WHO WERE GAZETTED BY HIS COUNTERPART UHURU KENYATTA" - NTV News, Wednesday 6th August 9pm

"LOCAL GOVERNMENT MINISTER MUSALIA MUDAVADI SUED FOR CONTEMPT FOR NAMING NEW NOMINATED COUNCILLORS IN BREACH OF AN APRIL 29 COURT ORDER" - NTV News, Thursday 7th August 12.30pm

Mmmmm - I'd have said that was probably "Deuce"!

... and I couldn't let this little advert slip past you that I found in the Nairobi Star this morning;

So you can go through the rest of your day happy now gentleman.

Catch you later!
Love you Lots,
MWAH.

Just arrived in my inbox ........

2008-08-01T10:32:00.008+03:00

From john charles

I am writing to seek your partnership in the investment of my inheritance fund USD $6.5M from my late father who died mysteriously on 12 july 2006.

I will like to further introduce myself to you. My name is Mr john charles, I am a 20 years old boy, the only child and son of my late parents Mr and Mrs Toure charles.

It was very evident that he was poisoned to death. I lost my mother when I was barely a year old and my father refused to re-marry another wife because he felt solely responsible for my mother's death. This is so because he concentrated much on his businesses that he rarely pays attention to domestic affairs.

He was always travelling taking care of his businesses that he did not notice when my mother took ill. He thought it was a minor illness and was ignorant of this. My mother on her own resorted to self-medication.

It was not until the illness degenerated that my father took my mother to hospital where she was diagnosed to find out that hypatitis had eaten deep into her blood stream. She didn't last long before she died. This happened when I was barely a year old. Based on this, my father could not forgive himself easily because of it and said he was responsible for her death as he could have saved her if only he had paid attention to the things at home rather than concentrating much on his businesses.

Despite all entreaties by friends and relatives, he refused to remarry but ensured that I had everything that I wanted. It was as a result of this that he made me the next of kin to his fund deposit with the bank here in my country, I should have a direct access to the fund,only when I am 28 years of age otherwise, I should have a guardian/partner intercede on my behalf for the release of the fund to me. Unfortunately, he died on 12 july 2006 and I am 20 years of age currently.

This is why I have contacted you to serve as a guardian to me and as my foreign partner for the investment of my inheritance fund overseas My uncles does not know about the funds because they had already taken my father's houses and other properties and they are looking for a way to kill me. They have requested to have my father's file where all the documents that proof the existence of my inheritance fund in the bank where kept but I simply told them that I do not know where he kept them.

Talk to you the more.
John charles

There you go - word for word, the usual junk that I receive daily - (such the popular chick that I am). Todays seems to have a little more imagination than most that come through so thought I should share this one with you all.

And what do you think of it for a bit of scandal so early in the morning??
I'm thinking perhaps this chap should get a part in a James Bond movie - sounds like the perfect plot don't you think, and for me to be picked out as his guardian and get a share in all this - "Gosh, how honored am I?" ......... Er .......

In fact anyone keen on helping the chap out could probably get in touch with him direct. Think his return email was;
pleasecaniripyouoff@whatasucker.com

What I still don't get though is how do these weirdos get hold of my email address, and also why haven't Kenyans thought up something similar ? We're usually excellent at finding the most ingenious ways to rip people off and yet these scams seem to be all coming from foreign web worlds ?

Or perhaps it's just that my email address has got it's little self into the wrong hemisphere and I am missing out on the emails that are asking for donations for Obama's granny to go on a small round the world cruise on her way to his inauguration ceremony as the President of the US of the A's??

Perhaps I shall start my own .......

I mean, did you not know I was the illegitimate daughter of our (EX) Finance Minister Mr Kimunya's, childhood sweetheart, and that I too have a small 5Million Dollar fund with my name on it standing by at the Central Bank of which I need to get my hands on through a third party, so that Mr Marende (the house speaker in Parliament) doesn't find out and try to poison me when I'm having my next 3 course lunch at The Grand Regency hotel with my "Unco Amos" !!

True ............. or False ??

2008-07-30T15:14:00.005+03:00

First, a question ??
How many emails would you say on average you receive in a day that are total crap - and by 'crap' I do mean the ones from 'unknown' senders or those with spectacular names such as godimfullacrap@yabloodyhoo.com and such like ?? (Not those ones that we receive from the boss that really should be filed under the same heading - but sadly you have to actually carry out their wishes first - that is of course if you want to get paid, and seeing as today is the 30th July - best do whatever he says today for tomorrow your paycheck may go missing!)

Anyway as for the random 'crap' messages that you get. Let's take the average week's company email. We start with at least 3 a day 'wishing to be friends' - not that some of them can even spell the word however but still, it seems they have been waiting for this moment all their lives and your email conveniently appeared (as a vision no doubt), and now this is 'karma' that you must now become live long buddies......... Yea, right.

If you're lucky (as I am at least 5 times a week let me tell you - it's OK, you can leave the fan mail / god I'm jealous mail in the comment box once I've finished posting this), .... where was I? .. Oh yes, now if you're lucky not only will these smashing people wish to be friends but lots of them will want to send hundreds of thousands of dollars to your bank account as they've nicked it from somewhere (perfectly above board you understand), and now wish to give half of it to you for just being their new 'friend' and conveniently giving out your entire life history so they can in turn rip you off!!

Then of course, there's always a ton of those emails with smashing offers such as; offering generous libido enhancing drugs; enlarge your penis in 10 minutes; and loose 35kg of your body mass in one breath!

And then finally when you sift out all that crap (and the bosses email of course - star that one just in case you delete it by mistake whilst you're too busy catching up with your mates on Facebook), then we are left with my favourite ones, and that is all the scandals, hoaxes and jokes that come through on a daily basis.

Those are the only ones worth reading - they show how much time half this world has on their hands. Like the one I received yesterday on Jamie Oliver's *new* cookbook - that is of course, er, NOT ! But it's fun reading don't you think? And don't joke, it has 120 odd pages - all with lovely piccies of the delicious meals you may poison yourselves with. I mean, who has the time to write all that??

Mshairi left a comment on that post directing us to a website where you can go and check out the real vs. the unreal. It's called snopes and is really quite enlightening! It is also though, in some ways, incredibly disappointing. I so wanted that mobile phones cooking the popcorn and boiling an egg thing to be true. I carry two mobiles around with me at all times just in case I get stuck somewhere in the middle of nowhere with no power and a raw egg, and now it looks like I shall have to think again on my 'survival pack' as apparently *in the real world* 100 mobile phones sitting on top of an egg for one hour didn't even warm the damn thing up!

But at least now I am full of crap myself and can do lots of "Did you know .....?"

I have useful information on board now such as;
Coca Cola did not invent Santa Claus, (can you bloody believe it!)
Coca Cola is not an effective spermicide, (so stop chucking all that fizz about!)
BUT, BUT, BUT,
Coca Cola DID once contain cocaine and did not become completely cocaine free until 1929.
(Can I say that explains a lot as to why my Granny was such a diva until the age of 89! She had a good 30 years of drinking that stuff !!)

Anyway this all got me thinking that I should set up my own "true or false" site with regards to politics in Kenya. But then of course I realised that sadly ALL of the most ridiculous and unbelievable things that happen amongst our Members of Parliament and the like, are totally TRUE, and how depressing would that be having an entire website dedicated to our disasters that they call "Politics in Kenya"??

I think I shall ditch the idea and save the Samaritans a bunch of depressed Kenyan's phone calls as they are all about to launch themselves off their fridge freezer as life will be too dismal to continue with. I also don't want The Samaritan call centre in India to get too excited when a bunch of truck driving Kenyans start calling up .......

Depressed Kenyan (DP): "Is that The Samaritans?"
The Samaritan Hotline redirected to Calcutta (SH): "Most certainly, and how can I help you?"
DP: "Life is tooo depressing with our politicians stealing all our cash, I just can't go on.
I am thinking of killing myself. What should I do?"
SH: "I'm very sorry to hear that. However, I don't suppose you could help us out and drive a truck?"

Sshhhhh .... keep this under your hat!

2008-07-28T19:54:00.005+03:00

Thing is *whispering* I just got an email through with the entire text of Jamie Oliver's new cookbook. Rumour has it (and don't we Kenyans just lurve a bit of a rumour *He He*), that some chap in the publishing house emailed a copy to one of his mates and some smart arse hacked into his emails and sent said text around the web !

See this ......

I shall NOT be telling you where I got this little bit of golden information from - as that will of course mean I shall have to kill you all, and that would just be far too messy and I've got a bit of a full schedule on this week, so instead I shall just make you all slightly jealous with words such as;

CHOCOLATE
TARTS
MOUSSE
SESAME SNAPS
FRAGRANT CHICKEN
SALMON FILLET
ASIAN MARMALADE
SEARED ENCRUSTED CARPACCIO
STUFFED BABY BELL CHILE PEPPERS

and even a ...

HOT AND FRAGRANT RUB - although I think you might have to actually buy the book to get the full effect of that one though!!

We have a solution .... CLOSE THE SCHOOLS

2008-07-26T08:38:00.002+03:00

Well things are now quiet on the Secondary School front, and how was that achieved? Well, the same way they solve every education crisis round these parts – CLOSE THEM DOWN INDEFINITELY! (They love that word ‘indefinitely’ – it just means they can all have a jolly nice long holiday and will reopen if and when they ever feel like it!)

This is favourite sport over here. If we can’t control it, then just shut the doors and hope the problem just ....er, well, goes away actually!

They do it with the Universities all the time, and now its the Secondary Schools. Not surprising the level of education in this country is so low. How on earth are you supposed to learn anything when you’ve got people in charge like the good old Prof Wangeri full of useful ideas that get us nowhere?

Anyway, enough of them, because we’ve decided that actually all they need is just need a jolly good beating and then they’ll be well behaved and disciplined and all the problems that those naughty school children have will just miraculously disappear in a puff of smoke. - I’m sure that education minister thinks he’s some kind of fairy godmother and he’ll wave his wand, conveniently made of cane, and ...... *Poof* ...... everyone will get an ‘A’! .... Oooh, perhaps that’ll be a B. Oh, oh, gosh, sorry, think you’ll find that’s a C-.

I’ve been watching the international news this morning and headlines every 15 minutes is “Formula 1 boss’s ‘secret’ S&M dominatrix has a bit of an interview on Sky News.” For goodness sake, how on earth can this be “World News Headlines”?? Does anyone really give a flying fart what Max Mosely gets up to in his spare time, and the fact that his “Mistress” is terribly, terribly sorry about the whole thing and is really very upset about the fact that her video recordings of the whole event made headlines in the “News of the World”, even though she made tons of cash, and, and, ..........

So what are we thinking??? Why are we worried about closing the schools and wishing all our problems away. In the UK, it seems you don’t actually need an education, just do something incredibly stupid and you'll get paid a fortune!

All is not lost ....

2008-07-24T12:22:00.003+03:00

Damn, they're clever these politicians ....

2008-07-23T13:22:00.003+03:00

I stand in awe.

Parliament sat yesterday and had a jolly loud debate about what to do about our striking students. And what did they decide was the solution, (besides of course their bright idea of bringing back caning - because of course those annoying "human rights" fellows won't like that one bit!), so no, no, the smashing Minister of Education, the ever so clever "PROFESSOR" (no less) Sam Ongeri announced 'new regulations to stem the wave of unrest in our Secondary Schools' as follows .........

1. No secondary school student will henceforth be allowed to carry a mobile phone to school, and
2. Purchase of school buses with TV sets, DVD players and music systems have been banned.

Phew - glad you've sorted that out then. Don't you worry about those kids exams or the fact that you totally and utterly screwed up the KCSE results for last year. As long as none of them carries a mobile phone or listens to any music on the way to school, all of course shall be well!!

YAY, ALL HAIL THE PROF !!

Today's view

2008-07-22T11:11:00.003+03:00

.... and according to all of our newspapers this morning, apparently if we bring back caning, then we can reverse this process :)

"Spare the rod, Spoil the child!"

The goalposts got shifted ......

2008-07-21T18:39:00.004+03:00

In the last few days, the children in a lot of the Secondary schools in Nairobi have gone on strike.

"You What!" I hear you cry, but yes you heard it correctly - the students have gone on strike and slipped into riot mode. Windows have been smashed, classrooms vandalised and even dormitories burnt down. In one school here in town a student was killed when they got themselves trapped in the burning dormitory, and now half the schools have had to be shut down .... and all for what?

Well, the story that has come out is that their mock KCSE exams which were scheduled to start today are just too hard! (The KCSE exams are the equivalent of the GCSEs in the UK, but here in Kenya the mocks are always known for being much harder than the actual exams set by the government bodies themselves.)

I was listening to the news this morning and they were interviewing Secondary school kids who had been turned away from school and they asked them why they were striking. They came out with the exam story to start with, and when the interviewers seemed totally unimpressed as that as a reason for missing school, they then changed their tune to "Actually, the sanitation isn't up to much and our school meals are atrocious!"

Moving on and then interviewing parents about what should be done about the situation, there seemed to be one steady stream of answers and they all spelt out D I S C I P L I N E. All those adults interviewed agreed (including the presenters I might add), that 'in their day', they would never dare to do anything as wild as strike from school as the consequences would be too harsh, and these consequences would always involve a severe caning.

So there you have it, the kids go on strike, and instead of taking any notice to their actual grievances, all the adults seem to just go with "Bring back Caning", and that will solve the problem!

But hold on a second there chaps, has anyone actually listened to what they have to say.

Yes the sanitation in most of the schools is awful, the food pretty crap and the mock exams known to be utterly impossible, but hey instead of saying; "Well, in my day, that's just how it was and you should put up and be beaten for it, or just shut up", surely we should actually wake up to the fact that these things - as much as they may have been the same in our day - should surely warrant some kind of change actually!

Listening to these secondary school kids more closely, it turns out that the reason they even started all this nonsense is that they were told that as the government totally cocked up the KCSE exam results for last year, they have decided that this year they will use the mock results instead!

Considering the mocks are not standardised from school to school, are internally marked, and as I'd mentioned earlier, are much more difficult than the actual exams themselves surely seems slightly unfair to say the least, and it really isn't surprising that these students are a little bit upset! Seeing as no-one wants to listen to them, it seems they have decided that the only way to get yourselves noticed and perhaps listened to, is to do what their peers have all done in the last few months - Riot and burn!

But tell me this, is bringing back the cane really the way forward in all this??

Bring on Mrs Darwin perhaps ... ?

2008-07-15T16:15:00.006+03:00

Not sure how many of you have been keeping up with the world news but there's this very bizarre case that came up of a man who canoed out to sea some years ago, never to be seen again, who turned up at a police station in the UK at the end of last year - for reasons known only to himself.

This is now the story of the court case surrounding the bizarre fraud incident .....

Canoe wife 'acted out emotions'

The wife, lovely lady that she is, 'stood by her man', and when he 'returned from the dead', she was overcome with emotion!!

..... BUT .... turns out she had been standing by collecting the insurance and hanging out in Panama with him all along, and the most fantastic thing about the whole story is that she is currently in court and says she's innocent !!

Er .... Right lady, that's the way to do it !!

- You see, you don't need to be a politician to lie through your teeth. You can just be a little old housewife. But my goodness, she did it so well and for 5 years, and it was only the husband who blew the whole thing out of the water it seems.

You see, that's a serious case of a missed vocation in life - she could have been a lecturer in Politics at some top Kenyan University.

Our politicians this end need someone like that to brush up on their 'downright lying' techniques! In fact, Mrs Darwin could be extremely useful as the spokesman for our Parliament right now don't you think?

Just in the last 7 days, we've had our Finance Minister dumped in the big sticky stuff and consequently shuffling to the side, swiftly followed by the Immigration Minister who has been jolly naughty issuing work permits when he was told not to, and then today it's Uhuru Kenyatta's turn of being accused of dodgy nominations when he was briefly ensconced in the Minister for Local Government posting.

Meanwhile out of the office everyone is gearing up for the 2012 succession - and why not indeed.

We are not yet 6 months into this one and it's turning out to be a complete disaster with lots of grown men bickering and throwing mud pies at each other and absolutely nothing actually being done, and I don't suppose it'll get any better in the next 4 years so "Hell Yea", let's start campaigning for 2012 and until then, the country can all go and rot!

It all seems to be about HOT potatoes ...

2008-07-11T12:08:00.003+03:00

PARLIAMENT, INQUIRY COMMISSIONS OR COURT CASES

Please note that if you are involved in ANY of the forementioned gatherings, please make sure that under NO circumstances should you plead GUILTY, and that wherever possible you should hand the blame to the closest person to you!

I have set out some examples for you to follow for those who need clarification;

PARLIAMENT

- Someone somewhere will inevitably catch you handling vast amounts of rather dirty cash at some stage during your tenure in parliament. If you are caught with such before getting teh chance to get down to the drycleaners and give it a quick launder, then just tell everyone that you know nothing about it being illegal and (if all else fails), "BUT, the Prime Minister knew!" (- that is if you are from the ODM camp). THose from the PNU camp must replace that line with the following;
"BUT, the President knew!"
Then you shall categorically state that you would die first and then resign, and the following day you can stay home stating you have "step aside for the good of others" but - TAKE NOTE - "have NOT resigned!"

ANY COMMISSION OF INQUIRY

- Whatever questions are asked of you, and in fact even if none are asked at all, you must repeat this phrase;
"It was most definitely ALL the authority's fault!"
If of course, you happen to be from said authorites, go with the alternative;
"I knew absolutely nothing about it, but BE ASSURED I shall look into it and make sure the perpertrators are taken to book for it."
(no matter what the inquiry has been set up for by the way, the same phrases apply)

COURT CASES

- Most especially those involving colonial aristocrats being tried for murder.
Try the following sentence to completely divert everybodies mind, change the game plan, and of course get someone else to take the blame (after two years of going in and out of court);
"I couldn't possibly have done it. The only other witness to the event, who has of course stuck up for me all this time, but can I say he just hasn't been to visit enough, therefore HE obviously did it !!"

Right, so, we all sorted then chaps??
Whatever happens do not DROP the potato, just pass it on as quickly as possible!!

I've been UUd ...... apparently

2008-07-09T21:52:00.005+03:00

Now it seems I have been tagged with a UU - not quite sure what a UU is but it's probably not dissimilar to being hit with a YoYo, as it seems just as painful!

Anyway this is how it goes; the UU must list the three things their husband (or wife) (or significant other!) (could be a pet, in lieu of all of the above.) (no pet? got a plant?) (if you have none of the above, you should go get one.) knows about them. The rules of this UU are that at the end of the post, the player then tags a randomly chosen number of people and posts their blog names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know that they have been tagged. The comment must end with the word 'pthththth'.

Weeeelllllll, am I bovvered??
Well, yes actually, totally, I must say.
For a start my significant others are all dogs who, when asked, what they knew about me seemed to have nothing more interesting to say than the odd snuffle, grunt and the odd fart!

I suppose that pretty much sums up my life, but really I thought I could at least get a little more sense out of them. Failing that, and all my pot plants who are totally UNinterested (to say the least), I thought I'd ask my son. I mean he's had to live with me and my madness for the total 8 years of his life and if anyone knows me (because I can assure you that my ex-husband certainly didn't), it'll be that small boy.

So what did he have to say??

1. I love my horses
2. I love our dogs
3. I like to kiss him and am happy when he does chores, like washing the car or doing the washing up!!

I'm quite perturbed by number 3, as I never realised how miserable I must be!! The amount of times my son has helped with cleaning of the car OR doing the washing up I could most probably count on the one hand. Surely that means that I could count the number of happy times in the last 8 years of my life also on one hand!!

Nah, that's not true - I really am quite a jolly character most of the time - except of course when I'm not, and the little chap's right - I'd be bloody ecstatic if he did decide to wash the car or do the washing up!

And now, everyone look right, and if you see your name on my list of "FAB blogs", you can consider yourselves officially UU'd, so pthththth to you all .........

(PS. All complaints to be addressed to Belle at 'Diary of a Housewife' - as she got us ALL into this. :) )

Oooooooh .........

2008-07-08T13:06:00.004+03:00

Yesterday our Finance Minister, the dear and honourable Amos Kimunya (who I understand is - funnily enough - Kibaki's nephew!) told the press "He would rather die than resign his post"

Today news just in HOT off the wire .......

'FINANCE MINISTER Kimunya "steps aside" after consultations with Kibaki to allow for investigations on Grand Regency sale;'

read more here

Don't suppose he's feeling quite so well this morning then !!

Federer should take a leaf .....

2008-07-08T11:24:00.004+03:00

Perhaps Roger Federer should take a leaf out of the bestseller;

"HOW TO GUARANTEE YOURSELF A WIN" by Uncle BOB !

Perhaps I should get out more ….

2008-07-07T13:54:00.003+03:00

As you may have gathered, I do rather like a bit of a chat, and do find it extremely difficult to keep my mouth on hold. It seems that even when I have no-one to talk to, I never let it slow me down!

Yesterday I went to do my weekly shopping and instead of sticking to the usual supermarket that I always go to and where I know exactly where everything is situated, my son wanted to try out some new play centre that’s been put in at another shopping centre from our usual, so I was left with my customary weekly list as long as your arm, braving aisles that I hadn’t a clue what was down them.

Well, I don’t know about you lot, but surely I’m NOT the only one who likes a spot of conversation with the stock in the aisles? But can I tell you, I got some very strange looks wherever I went.

Perhaps it was because I was so disorientated as to where everything was in the shop that I chatted more that usual to the inanimate objects on the shelves. I mean how else are you supposed to find the disinfectant if you can’t ask the bleach???? In my concerted opinion of shelf-stacking (which I know absolutely nothing about!), surely the bleach should hang out somewhere near the disinfectant as I would have said they were related. Turns out in this store, the bleach hangs out with the kitchen roll and the disinfectant is opposite the fabric softener – now please people get a grip, how does that make any logical sense.

I think I’ll start a supermarket “arrange your aisles logically” course. I will of course make a damn fortune, but I’ll give you all a heads up on my ideas, and before I get marketing and make myself a millionaire and ditch you lot, first of all I shall take full advantage.

Now, what do you think of this;

Milk, (and other such milky things including butter and yoghurt), onto eggs, then bread, jams and honey (so breakfast is over with), then moving swiftly onto veg, meats, followed by tinned stuff. Oops forgot cereals. They better hang back in the egg aisle. Moving on… where was I? … ah yes, canned goodies, then accompaniments such as sauces, etc. then we can have biscuits & snacks followed by pasta, sugar, flour, rice, and baking sort of stuff. Keeping smelly stuff away from foodstuffs is always good (not like in the supermarket I went into yesterday where bleach is actually on the corner with rice on the other side. Mmmmm!) So we should move onto tissues, toilet rolls, kitchen towels, cloths, etc. then we can have cleaning stuff (INCLUDING disinfectant), and at the end is the toiletries and hair pieces – we always have a full aisle of hair pieces in all our supermarkets!!

TA DA ….

So what do you think?

I was even thinking that I could move upstairs to have the wheelbarrows next to the welly boots (which seems bloody sensible to me, because yesterday I found them after the toy section and opposite all the fitness equipment!) AND, AND, I would even suggest labeling the shelves with the various sizes available so that I didn’t have to strike up a separate conversation with every shelf of the welly boot aisle asking them what size they may be, as the only place you can find out this information is picking up the blighters and checking on the sole. (As you can imagine, it can get quite tedious when the size 6’s are parked next to the size 11’s – especially when you’re looking for size8!)

Anyway after all that stress of the supermarket, and the people in it who kept leaping out of my path as if I had some contagious disease, the highlight of my day was a brilliant slanging match with all the chaps on my TV set yesterday during the most awesome Wimbledon final in history.

Mind you, I admit, I was home alone, and the dogs are used to me screaming at inanimate objects, so they didn’t even twitch a whisker between them.

However, I’d like to put a challenge out there to everyone who watched that final last night between Nadal and Federer that absolutely every single one of you spoke to your TV set more than once – even if it was only to go “AAAHHHHH” or “OOOOOOOOHHHHHH” at the amazing shots played and not to slag off the commentators or shout at Federer to get his finger out!

You see, I am not so mad after all. You’re all at it – chatting away to inert objects.

So why am I the only one who gets the strange reactions when I strike up a bit of banter with the things on the shelves in the supermarket??

It must be the weather

2008-07-03T11:42:00.002+03:00

You know over here in these parts, winter has truly set in with temperatures dropping to 11 degrees in the morning (Shocking isn’t it I know), and actually I am sure that one of these mornings I shall awake to snow falling on my roof.

I'm sure all of you out there in the West are shouting at your screens just now, going; "Christ Alive, these people have NO idea of the meaning of the world 'cold'!", but hey, It’s the same every year here. We always complain of the cold at this time of year, and that we can’t believe how shocking it is, BUT then it’s the same again next year, and funnily enough the year after as well!! That’s the thing about weather I suppose – it never seems to be ‘just right’!! (although I must say I definitely hear less complaints when it’s nice and warm.)

Anyway, this cold seems to be freezing the brains of our politicians not only in Southern States such as Zimbabwe where Uncle Bob is still skipping about whistling a care free tune, although it seems he has slightly changed tack, i.e. He’s ready to talk to the opposition about some form of coalition government, (after last week telling them all to “Go Hang”).

I’m sure however this is only because he’s seen how it works here, Kibaki is still the President, he has his own chosen sidekick at number 2, and Raila is relegated to third in line, which seems to mean that no matter how much he jumps up and down and makes noise only Kibaki’s decisions count in the end.

So down in Zim, its business “as Unusual as always”, and here in Kenya it’s pretty much the same.

Our dear Minister for Finance, the Honorable Amos Kimunya has got himself into a spot of bother with the whole Grand Regency Hotel deal. Apparently the hotel was sold last week to Libyans for 2.8Billion, and then …..Oh, no, apparently that wasn’t QUITE right and it was sold to some Kenyan registered company (known as Arab African Investment) for rather a lot less, namely 1.85Billion.

Mmmmmmm ………

Meanwhile back in Parliament, a motion of ‘no confidence’ was carried last night on Kimunya ( – I really am not sure that releasing his “Transparency” report on procurement and disposals procedures was such a good idea at the beginning of the week when his very own procedures outline the fact that in matters such as the disposal of an asset such as The Grand Regency Hotel, he had stated that more than one valuation must be done,

(and he, er …., seem to have, er …. Forgot?)

…. and today news is just in says that the Kibaki has called off the cabinet meeting scheduled or this morning, "with no reason given", that had promised to clarify EXACTLY what in the hell happened with this whole deal of the Grand Regency, so nothing's changed here either.

Looks like our Mr. Kimunya might just have the right qualifications for a hot position in Mugabe’s government, so I shouldn’t think he need worry too much !!

La, La, La, La, La, .......

2008-07-01T11:05:00.003+03:00

Well, here we have it then.

Uncle Bob votes ...

he wins ...

he’s sworn in ...

and then he toddles off to the AU summit and everything is just fine and dandy!

La, la, la, la, la ……

Zimbabwe ...... er, votes ??

2008-06-27T21:04:00.002+03:00

Well, Zimbabwe went to the polls yet again today to vote for their, er, "candidate of choice", in the Presidential run off.

The competition was fierce, Mugabe was quietly confident and expressed hope for a clear majority. The voters rushed to the polling stations, (mostly with men in uniform carrying guns chasing them, which meant rushing was definitely in order), and those that tried their best NOT to go to the polls were persuaded otherwise with rather large rungus and machetes!

So there we have it, Mugabe's idea of a smooth run off, in which he is the ONLY candidate and chances are rather high (apparently), that he shall be declared the outright winner before the weekend is over ..........

AND THAT PEOPLE, IS WHAT IS KNOWN AS "DEMOCRACY" IN ZIMBABWE.

Perhaps this cartoon from the paper and this joke I was sent through the email sums it up better than I can .......

"Mugabe dies and goes to heaven.
When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list
and he does not belong in heaven. Mugabe must go to hell.

So Mugabe goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty
welcome and tells him to make himself at home.

Then Mugabe notices that he left his luggage in heaven
and tells Satan, who says 'No problem,
I'll send a couple of little devils to get your stuff.'

When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked
St.Peter is having lunch - and they start debating what to do.
Finally one comes up with the idea that they should go over the wall
and get the luggage.

As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them,
and one angel says to the other,
'My Lord, look at that! Mugabe has been in hell no
more than ten minutes and we're already getting refugees!'"

A topic for discussion perhaps – or just insults ??

2008-06-25T09:54:00.006+03:00

WARNING: Brace yourselves people, this post is likely to create a small storm .....

My cyber friend ‘Reluctant Memsahib’ wrote a post the other day with regards to the anonymity (or NOT), of being a ‘blogger’.

It seems a friend of hers was concerned that she was not as anonymous as perhaps she should be because of the abuse that I’ve been receiving over here about being white, and therefore ‘obviously racist, elitist, Euro trash,'…and the rest ?

Anyway, back to the point, I, like many other bloggers out there I’m sure, started out on the ‘anonymous’ route – I even gave an interview on CNN and another on BBC Radio 4 all under the moniker ‘Mzungu Chick’ and ‘The Lost White Kenyan’, back in January. Then I met a fellow who challenged my anonymity and persuaded me to creep out of said closet, and what I realized was he, and others I have since met through this common link, are incredibly interesting, diverse characters that I would probably never have had a chance to meet in ‘my other life’, and so for that I am grateful.

Since then a couple of very close friends and a couple of my family have also been let into the shenanigans that I get up to in cyberspace. And the Reluctant Memsahib is right, you do need to think of these people and their feelings and identities before and as you write;

“The thing is: it’s not what other people think about me that I mind. (I stopped caring about that sometime in 2001, when most of the people I knew had a view on an action I had taken and most felt at liberty to vocalize their disappointment and disgust vociferously). No. I don’t care what anybody thinks of me. But I’d hate anything I said about the lives of any of those I love most in the world to impinge upon them. I can spill my own secrets, that’s my prerogative and I’m big enough to cope with the fallout. But not theirs. Never theirs. Because then they won’t be secret anymore. They won’t be secret enough.”

I also would never want to do or say anything that would hurt those I have let into my little secret, or our relationships. Since getting all those nasty comments on free flow, I’ve even felt guilty for the links to fellow bloggers sites that I have on my side bar – lest they have these anonymous idiots divert their way and start their nonsense somewhere else on one of those innocent sites that I just linked to because I thought they were fab.

But then, I had an idea (not dissimilar to Janelle it seems); “a cheerful two fingers up to stuffy conformity” is most definitely the way to go. This blog is just my thoughts and feelings, it is not the way anyone else needs to see the world, but the last time I looked, it was not against the law to say what you think, and basically we are all very different and between us ALL, the world goes round.

I am not advocating that we should all write hate messages because that is how we feel about the world, but I’m not sure that all those comments were thrown at me because of what I had to say, but because of the fact that I have given more information than they wanted, in other words, I have said I am ‘white’ – god forbid, and that, naturally, makes me an elitist racist. If I said I was a shade of brown from the Middle East – would that have made me an Arab extremist? And if perhaps I’d have said I was black from Illinois – would that make me an Obama supporter??

The only reason I ever called my blog ‘The Lost White Kenyan Chick’ is because that was exactly how I felt at the time. Lost because I am a single white girl from an African country (who has roots in no other place in this world), living in a black Kenyan male dominated society (- although please peeps, before you blast me here – this is changing as we speak I do agree, but it is still the majority – have a look at those seats in Parliament right now), and I that is exactly how I felt – LOST; where do I fit in to the bigger picture?

The fact that this name has caused so much controversy was totally unintentional, although I’m not really sure that I should be apologizing for it.

I am WHITE, KENYAN, A CHICK and totally LOST in life, and if you don’t like it, I’m really, really sorry but, *said in my most polite voice*,

“Bugger OFF!”

I shall do an ‘Uncle Bob’ on you and skip into the distance care free;

“La, la, la, la, la” ……

.... And from Here !

2008-06-25T08:14:00.004+03:00

This is yesterday's cartoon from The Standard;

The caption reads; "See, He's scared I'm going to beat him in a free and fair fight!", and it was pointed out to me by one of my commentators (- you see, I DO get nice ones as well!)

I hear that Tsvangirai has officially given a letter into the electoral commission resigning from Friday's run-off, but not to worry, as Uncle Bob hasn't missed a beat and is campaigning full on for his one horse race!

What Zim looks like from here ...

2008-06-23T21:13:00.003+03:00

How I see it is that it is absolutely no surprise that Morgan Tsvangirai has pulled out of the Zimbabwe run off election that is scheduled for the end of the week, because surely with Mugabe openly saying he'll never let him win, torturing any opposition supporters he can get his hands on and meanwhile locking up the MDC leader at every given opportunity he can, the fellow is bollixed if he participates in the run off and .. well, frankly, bollixed if he doesn't, so what to do?

I understand he is currently holed up in the Dutch Embassy, and meanwhile All Africa news reports that the Justice Minister in Zim's response is as follows;

The Justice Minister described Tsvangirai's decision as a nullity saying: "This is the 11th time that Tsvangirai has threatened to withdraw from the presidential run off and on each occasion I have challenged him to put it in writing as required by law."

He told The Herald newspaper that "Zanu PF is not treating the threats seriously."

"It is a nullity. We are proceeding with our campaign to romp to victory on Friday," Chinamasa said.

It sounds a bit like a scrap behind the bike sheds to me!

Gado, the Kenyan cartoonist, summed it up perfectly months ago with this cartoon:

Robert Mugabe couldn't honestly give a flying fart what anyone thinks. For some obscure reason, the world seems to be leaning on Thabo Mbeki to get the fellow to see some sense, but let's get real here people, Mbeki is not the man for this job. He'll never rock the boat with the neighbours no matter how much pressure he's put under - rumour has it our end that the two are somehow related for goodness sake.

So really it's "Na, Na, Na, Na, Na" for the whole lot of them. Mugabe will win and will stop at absolutely nothing to do so.

Kenyan humour ....

2008-06-17T10:01:00.007+03:00

This short clip illustrates what a fabulous sense of humour the MAJORITY of Kenyans have and what sadly those minority 'Anonymous' types seem to be lacking.

For the rest of you, enjoy ........... this is brilliant!

surprised?

2008-06-12T17:43:00.000+03:00

This just came through on 411;

"ANTI-GRAFT COURT summons Embakasi MP-elect Waititu"

..... And are we surprised?

I think Mama Taa is on his case already!

Kenya's by-election results

2008-06-12T11:50:00.004+03:00

Good Morning Viewers ......

Sorry to disappoint you but I am still here and still have lots to say!!

As you may (or may not) know, we had some few by-elections yesterday of which the results are being released as we speak.

Sadly, because of the demise of two prominent members of parliament being killed in the tragic accident on Tuesday afternoon, it seems that, unsurprisingly, voters were kind of dejected, and voter turn out was quiet and numbers reported low.

Anyway today it seems in great Kenyan traditional electioneering spirit, things are livening up especially in the Kilgoris constituency - which is not entirely unexpected, that's for sure. It was always a tribal contest from the beginning with the most prominent two contestants advocating that the other would throw their fellow tribesmen off the land there.

We have one candidate from the Maasai tribe and one from the Kipsigis and both have been telling anyone who will listen that whatever happens - if you are a Maasai, you must stick with the Maasai, and the Kipsigis the same which actually is the reason why we never had any results that stuck the first time round, because with this kind of hate campaigning going on, whoever loses is very obviously going to have his fellow tribesman protest.

The latest I have on the Nation's (Kenyan daily by the way) update site was that Konchellah has won the seat and followed five minutes later by;
FRESH SKIRMISHED IN KILGORIS AS 14 HOUSES AND A CAR ARE SET ABLAZE. TENSION REPORTED IN MANY PARTS OF THE CONSTITUENCY.

And there we have it, those pyromaniacs are back on the case, and already things are looking bad. We have to hope that the huge numbers of police that had deployed to the area get a grip very quickly on the situation and that these skirmishes will be plugged soonest.

Meanwhile the Wajir North seat has been won by ODM, (although over half way through results showed the KANU candidate leading), Ainamoi is also ODM with Langat clinching the seat, Emuhaya has been won by Otichillo, and now Waititu of PNU has just been reported to have won Embakasi from Esther Passaris of ODM (- so that's the Embakasi street lighting project out the window then!)

I'm sure this will NOT be the last of it, as we all know Samuel Kivuitu of the Electoral Commission of Kenya (ECK) is such a reliable kind of a fellow, I can't see anyone actually agreeing to these results if he has anything to do with it! Seeing as there are already reports in all of today's Dailies with regards to nonsense at the polls, chances are things may heat up a little yet.

Meanwhile here in town it's ..... BUDGET DAY

(Not sure of the definition of the Kenyan economy but currently it looks slightly fictional I feel!)

I'll keep you posted as and when I hear of anything ....

Commentators ...

2008-06-11T12:32:00.006+03:00

On this blog, it seems comments go something like this ......

And I do think we are ALL entitled to do this ............BUT: Please note that your browser is NOT automatically directed to this site and has no need to visit here at all if you don't like it, it's really not compulsory to come here.

Breaking news tells death of Roads Minister Kipkalya Kones

2008-06-10T19:53:00.004+03:00

Kenyan minister, asst minister dead in plane crash

10 Jun 2008 16:03:39 GMT

Source: Reuters

By C. Bryson Hull and Wangui Kanina NAIROBI, June 10 (Reuters) -

A Kenyan cabinet minister and assistant minister died on Tuesday along with two others in the crash of a light plane near the Masai Mara game reserve, officials said.

Roads Minister Kipkalya Kones, 56, and Assistant Minister for Home Affairs Lorna Laboso, 47, were aboard the plane with a pilot and a security guard, a spokesman for their party said. "I am confirming that they were on the plane that crashed. I am not confirming that they are dead, but the police are confirming that all aboard died," Orange Democratic Movement party spokesman Salim Lone said. Narok District police boss Patrick Wambani said all four people in the plane died.

There was no immediate confirmation for the cause of the crash in a remote area called Kojonga. "The plane came down on an unoccupied house and disintegrated, killing all four occupants," Wambani told Reuters in Narok, 120 km (75 miles) west of the capital Nairobi. In Nairobi, police spokesman Eric Kiraithe said the names of Kones and Laboso were on the flight manifest.

Both politicians were members of the Orange Democratic Movement (ODM) party, which had opposed President Mwai Kibaki and advocated public protests after he won a disputed re-election in December. The vote sparked Kenya's worst violence since independence from Britain in 1963, and deal to end the political impasse brought ODM into a coalition government with Kibaki's Party of National Unity alliance.

Kones is a five-term member of parliament and was first elected in 1988, after a career as a teacher and manager at a produce firm. He has held several other ministries throughout his public career.

Laboso is a first-term legislator, who has campaigned against the cultural practice of female genital mutilation in her Kipsigis tribe. After a career as a secretary and accountant, she got her university degree in communications last year.

(Reporting by Wangui Kanina, Helen Nyambura and Bryson Hull; Editing by Jon Boyle)

This has all just been confirmed through our local news stations;
"Kones, Labosa, pilot Schner and bodyguard Kenneth Bett are all confirmed dead."

Obama Rocks !

2008-06-10T13:28:00.003+03:00

This is the cartoon by GADO in The Daily Nation today ............

Over here it's all about Barry.

2008-06-07T20:29:00.003+03:00

Well in our neck of the woods, politics has been diverted temporarily to front page stories all over about Barry, the Luo fellow from Siaya district who happens to be running for a seriously high powered presidential seat, although not here in Kenya I might add.

To those hailing from Western Province, there's absolutely NO explanation needed here as to who on earth I may be talking about, but for those of you from further afield who may be slightly lost, I am speaking of none other than Senator Barrack Obama.

To a lot of Kenyans (especially those from the lakeside), Senator Obama is nothing less than 100% Kenyan. His father came from here so that'll do it for us. The fact that the Senator has only actually visited this country three times in his entire lifetime is totally irrelevant, and the point that he hardly knew his father who is reported to have been a drunk and abusive husband is somehow totally overlooked.

I think this quote from Rob Crilly in "The Times" really sums up this Obama fever here in Kenya and what it's really all about ...... (a spot of cash and a free US visa);

"A steady stream of would-be economic migrants has been arriving at Granny Sarah's door seeking an American visa. Almost every day she has to explain that the U.S. embassy in Nairobi is the only place that can make their American dream come true. But even Granny Sarah admits to harbouring secret hopes of a local windfall if Obama's momentum carries him all the way to America's highest office. "What we hope is that with his Kenyan and Africa roots we will see some of the fruits of his power, like electricity, water and a new road," she says simply in her native Luo language."

At least she got herself an autographed picture...

By the way,"Granny Sarah" is actually Obama's step-grandmother and his grandfather's third wife. And the fact that she lives in a little house in a very small village looking after chickens and goats, has no running water or electricity, and it was her fellow villagers who raised money to get her a TV with a small solar panel so that she could keep up with US politics is of course of no matter now that young Barry's got a shot at the most powerful position in the world!

Hey, perhaps he'll chuck some extra aid money our way as payment for bringing up his father. I'm sure our local politicians could do with a bit more cash to squander on their expense accounts.

Long lost weekend for me ….

2008-06-02T20:42:00.005+03:00

Well we have just done with a loooong weekend, and now we head into a 4 day week.
“Absolutely fabulous”, I hear you cry.

We woke up to these cheeky blighters in our garden ...

Then off my son and I went to the Nairobi park with a bit of a packed lunch on board, and went and saw these …

and lots of these ….

And a few of these ….

The rest of the weekend was spent hanging out with these ….

And having a few games of this ….

Sadly right now, my life feels a bit like this ….

And so although it really was an excellent weekend (and I have the bruises to prove it), finding anything half full right now is becoming increasingly difficult, and yet as you can see from my photos, I have absolutely NO excuse at all to feel this way.

I do hope that I will wake tomorrow to a better frame of mind.

Wish me luck ...

Is this Kenya's definition of 'coalition'?

2008-05-30T22:00:00.002+03:00

In the dictionary, the word is listed as follows;

co·a·li·tion (k-lshn)

1. An alliance, especially a temporary one, of people, factions, parties, or nations.

2. A combination into one body; a union.

I'm sorry, but I think our Mr Orengo missed that memo.
He has just been quoted on KTN evening news talking about those people who were arrested during the skirmishes after the elections at the beginning of the year;

"If those people who STOLE the election from us are walking free, then all those who reacted to the theft of this election with violence should also be set free."

And they call this government a 'union' ???

Gentlemen, PLEASE get a grip ....

2008-05-29T11:56:00.005+03:00

The world around us maybe falling apart. Natural disasters are claiming lives all over the show, and if its not natural it'll be some fellow in a flack jacket with a nasty looking weapon taking people out. In fact, all in all, this world is becoming an incredibly depressing place, and to tell you the honest truth - I have often wondered why I bother getting up in a morning, but stupidly I do, every morning, with my 'glass half full' attitude, wince at all the news stories, pray for a better tomorrow, and then this comes through on the BreakingNews.ie site .....

"YOUNG MEN PREFER IRONING TO CAR MAINTENANCE"

I mean Versace may have had it right here - but that's not the real world ....

Read this if you dare .....

Young men are more comfortable ironing their laundry than getting under a car bonnet, according to new research published today.

A study into the changing lifestyles of young males found that while over 62% of men aged 18 to 29 were comfortable at the ironing board, just one in 10 was able to maintain a car.

Three quarters of young men surveyed said they regularly donned an apron in the kitchen, and 85% were comfortable crying in front of other people.

James Brown, founding editor of men’s magazine Loaded, said the survey showed that men had fallen prey to "gender surrender".

He said: “A bloke’s masculinity used to come effortlessly and his place in the world was clear cut. Nowadays, women are confident and men are confused.

“As men have been reacting to being told how they should behave rather than how they really are, they’ve crossed the line from just changing with the times to committing outright gender surrender.”

No, No, No, No, No ... this cannot be, all the people in the neighbourhood hear me cry. What if I have a bit of a crisis - you know those ones, light bulb needs changing, fuse has blown, tap's dripping, car doesn't start ..... Surely, I need to 'get a man in'!

Of course the truth is that although we ladies do go for the 'get a man in' every time.. Turns out that usually you'll end up doing it yourself as you don't have the patience to wait for him to change his shirt (to the one for doing the odd jobs about the house that of course he can't seem to find), get himself a cold beer from the fridge (he's got to keep refreshed you know), search high and low for the inevitably needed 'tool box', (although of course the screwdrivers are kept in the kitchen drawer and the tool box is basically obsolete and full of unusable junk), call his mates on the phone to let them know he'll be late for the footie match as 'he's doing some few jobs about the house for her indoors" (so he can get a bit of sympathy when he does get down the pub all 15 seconds later than he had originally scheduled), etc.

... but actually that is NOT the point.

Surely ladies, we want our men to be men (and although a spot of washing up and even the odd ironed shirt wouldn't be a bad idea - although I'm not sure I can say I'm entirely comfortable with the thought of a bloke with a hot box in one hand and a slither of silk with creases in it in the other - unless of course he is 'Versace babe'!), I'd really rather men could at least pretend to be able to start the car (whacking with a hammer at least shows willing don't you think?), and taking things apart with a screwdriver again shows a bit of enthusiasm for fixing stuff (even though you'll more than likely have to take it down to the shops on Monday and find yourself a 'proper' repair shop)
- I really believe it's the thought that counts .....

Don't surrender chaps. Wipe away those tears, put the iron down, leave the dirty washing where you took it off (including the apron), stay well away from the kitchen, and get a blasting from the Missus for being a slob.

Otherwise it won't matter any more how crap the world is around us, and whether we should even think about getting out of bed in the morning, because without doubt men will become obsolete and women will have no-one to bitch about at their coffee mornings, or over the email, or over the 3 times per day phone calls that are essential to our lives, and life just won't be worth living.

Perhaps this is the the day of judgement after all - but not as predicted I feel although looking at the daily natural disasters it may seem the end is nigh- but filling the world with men in aprons will definitely mean women giving up the will to live .....

Footnote for my more discerning politically correct readers - I'm so sorry to have perhaps offended the more sensitive ones of you that believe it should be 'equal rights for all' and gender doesn't count, but, being a woman, I have to disagree with this - at my own discretion of course. (If I wish to be paid loads of cash (equal to a man in the same position), I shall of course complain bitterly and say that I should be treated equally, but god save the poor bloke who dares to charge through the door ahead of me and not bother to hold it open for anyone who may be behind ....)

Will someone please get the German authorities a sense of humour!!

2008-05-25T19:32:00.006+03:00

Saw these headlines come through on CNN last night – “Parents try to sell baby on eBay”, and my immediate reaction was;

“Brilliant, What a FAB idea!”

Apparently the baby was 7 months old and labelled as ‘Nearly New’. I laughed so hard. The Germans however did NOT. They immediately sent the mother for psychiatric help and took the baby into care!!

I mean, Yes, I do believe it takes a special kind of person to actually go ahead and advertise their baby for sale on eBay, and for just one Euro do you mind, but please tell me of one parent in this world who at some time or another in their child’s life – even if it was just for a split second – didn’t think that they may actually even pay someone to take them away, and to gain one whole Euro in exchange would be a bargain actually!!

Personally I would have added in a line;
"Toys included".

Like I said it probably takes a slightly warped person to really carry it off, but the parents did try to explain that it was done as a joke and they really would never have gone ahead with it. But Oh No, the German authorities would have none of it.

Don’t tell me that people who do deal in any form of child trade – which I will be the first to condemn wholeheartedly let me tell you – would ever in a million years genuinely traffic children by advertising on eBay for goodness sake.

Now this is headlines on every news channel, and all I can say is I hope eBay is making some great marketing sales out of this. My first retort as 'Marketing Director' for them would be to put out a great ad amplifying the fact that you would be bloody amazed what you can buy on eBay these days!!

You're probably all jumping up and down at your computers by now going "Oh My God, what type of woman is this Mzungu Chick", but perhaps you might look at the fact that ALL parents in the entire world probably need a little psychiatric help from time to time when it's all going pear shaped at their house, and yes, more than likely they'll never dare say it OUT LOUD, because of course to all of us, our own children are the most perfect little darlings that ever walked this earth, and we'll all be the first to tell you such. But once in a while, the thought of jumping off the fridge freezer to get away from the noise, the guilt and the continuous heartache known as 'parenthood' doesn't seem like such a crazy idea.

At least this has taught me one small lesson in life;

For Goodness Sake, whatever you're thinking, don't let those thoughts escape out of your head!

Personally I think we should all get a grip, and SMILE ! :)

Need to gain a few pounds? ... Have a workshop!

2008-05-22T22:13:00.003+03:00

For the past two days I have been in a workshop together with a bunch of other company staff for a spot of ‘strategic planning’.

Well, can I just say that in all truth, all we have really done for the past two days is strategically plan how to stuff our faces. Coming out after two days of meal to meal activity, I’m a little confused on what actually we really did achieve besides putting on 3 kilos each – which funnily enough, in my case, was completely unnecessary.

I hear of lots of skinny people, both blokes and women, complaining if you please, that they can’t put on weight. It’s easy people, attending a workshop can guarantee you will sit perfectly still for a minimum of 12 hours per day with the only exercise involved being lifting your hand to your mouth, and perhaps unwrapping your next sweetie!

The general programme looks something like this;

8.00 Tea/coffee with fruits, donuts, sticky buns, banana bread

10.00 Tea/coffee with biscuits, more sticky buns, and yet more banana bread

12.30 Lunch (minimum 3 courses, but at least 5 available). Start with soup and bread, followed by a variety of cold meats, cheeses and salads, main course of meat, fish and chicken plus rice, potatoes and the compulsory overcooked vegetables, followed by fruit salad, various colours of chocolate mousse, profiteroles and oodles of cream, cheese and biscuits and yet another cup of coffee for good measure. All this interspersed with chocolate éclairs and Murray mints on the tables in the meeting – just in case you’re feeling a little peckish by any small chance! – And all this before dinner of course (which is another extravagant affair consisting of at least 7 courses), and all replicated for 2 days in a row!!

(Oh, and of course there is a little bit of chatting in between the meals which is what apparently they call the point of being there!)

This is me after attending my 2 day workshop!
So NOT recommended - Best stay in the office and get some real work done.

They just don’t warn you about these things at Weight Watchers let me tell you. I saw nothing in the plan when I joined up about warning you of the dangers of attending a workshop. They go on about eating out and getting a take away, and what to do if you’re at a party, what foods to enjoy and which to avoid, but NOT a word about how to eat (OR not to more appropriately), at a workshop.

It is a little secret that I have been hiding from you all, but after all your comments of how, what and the way forward on loosing a few pounds after I put a picture in all of your heads of some horses knees buckling under the weight of lil’ ol’ me jumping on board, I felt soooo guilty I ended up joining up with Weight Watchers can you believe.

The local branch of the group is actually run by a very good friend of mine, so luckily I have been saved the total embarrassment of ‘going public’ with my fatness and have been able to catch up with the whole thing on the quiet.

I did actually suggest to her that I certainly did not have a weight problem but actually a terrible issue with my washing powder and it was shrinking all of my clothes.

Coincidentally she totally understood my plight as she too had been having the same problem with her washing too, and it of course had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that both of us seem to be able to empty the fridge of its contents down our necks at frequent intervals!

Well, here’s the thing. Week One – get weighed, realise that is of course a terrible start as her scales weigh over by about 10 kilos which is so not fair and not a positive way to go. I did try and protest – but found out in a hurry that that is a complete waste of words – as she’d heard it all before. So, once you’ve been weighed and totally humiliated by the numbers, you are then handed a bunch of books which tell you what you should be eating or more appropriately NOT eating and then sent on your way to starve for the rest of your life, until of course, you then attend a workshop ….. ARGH!

Can you believe I’d lost 4 bloody kilos, my horses were slightly relieved that things were finally looking up, and now I’ve gone and stuffed the whole thing!!

Oh well, best look forward. Tomorrow is another day. I shall start all over again on the ‘let’s starve’ regime known as ‘Weight Watchers’, and before you know it I shall be just a wee slip of a chick once more, and all my clothes will once again fit as they should and I can stop writing the rude letters to the washing powder manufacturers for shrinking everything!

Oooooh can’t wait. Roll on tomorrow.

Normal service has been resumed ...

2008-05-20T08:47:00.004+03:00

Well, after my break in bed for a week missing out on the world around me, reading the papers and listening to the news over the last few days makes me feel all warm inside knowing that out here in the big wide world nothing has changed.

Last week all the internally displaced Kenyans were asked to return home (and very kindly given an armed escort - just in case they decided they did not wish to return to their burnt homes and ravaged farms).

The civil service was put onto the list of "Who will we steal money from in order to afford the compulsory armed escort to take the internally displaced home?", along of course with the army.

Our government very kindly donated this money to the IDPs (Internally Displaced Persons), and made sure only to take it from those with a salary below the $300 per month line, so that all those above that line - such as of course the MPs who desperately need their cash (in order to have those smashing homecoming parties of their own!), and so therefore all those with the salaries of the $10,000 minimum PLUS expenses per month - didn't have theirs touched.

Like to keep it fair and equal in the government you know. If you've got nothing in life, then best give some of that away to those with less than nothing and then the big boys can sleep better at night!

What I really DO NOT understand is how the hell these people can seriously think that all Kenyans are that unfazed by this whole divide. Surely over the month of January, it became very obvious to everyone - including the outside world - that Kenyans are very unhappy with their lot and this incredible divide we have of the 'haves' and the 'have nots' has to come to an end, and solutions have to be worked out to lessen this gap. But no, imagine after all that bloodshed our politicians have the audacity to sweep it under the carpet pretty quick smart, blame it on someone else, and then get on with "Business As Usual"......

Why are we taking this???

You know there's a brilliant publication that has come out in the last week that outlines all this unfairness. It is called "Wajibu" and is produced by a few Kenyans who are really fighting for the rights of ALL of us. (If you click on that link, one of the members of the 'task force' that produced the magazine tells you how to get hold of a copy.)

The magazine identifies itself as "A journal of social and ethical conduct", and it highlights all these issues that our country has been through over these last few months, what we are still going through, and has some great articles on how ordinary Kenyans see the way forward from here.

What it does show is that there is definitely "Optimism about the possibility of a new Kenya", but it really is about time that our current politicians stopped their 'business as usual' and got on with developing this sanguinity.

As the editorial in the front of this journal quotes;
"This Kenya can only happen if all of us take our responsibility as citizens seriously and if our politicians strive to be the kind of leaders who put the welfare of the nation AHEAD of lust for power and greed for material benefits."

So let's go for it people, 'normal service' is not OK with us any longer.
Let's go with Obama on this one (seeing as he really is a Kenyan in American clothing!), and tell our government what we really want .....

"Change we can believe in"!

There IS light at the end of the tunnel after all ...

2008-05-18T17:15:00.006+03:00

Sorry for the lack of drivel from me in the last few days. It isn't often that I'm quiet, but I've been slightly busy.

I finally raised my head from the pillow Thursday without throwing up or spinning around, and with only a slight head knock, which was such a bonus after 10 days of 'explosive head syndrome'.

Decided I’d better venture into the office and peep round the door and see how big my ‘In-tray’ had grown. (I was thinking that if it perhaps looked like something resembling Kilimanjaro, I could get hold of the bomb squad to send in first to blow up the pile until it got down to a more manageable size.)

Anyway, it turned out my staff know me better than I thought, and although a fairly large amount of paper waited for my signature, it looked kind of bearable and so in I snuck. (Great word that - ‘snuck’ – total lie however, as chances of me sneaking in anywhere are incredibly slim, with my big mouth and clip clop high heeled boots that I love wearing!)

Anyway back to the point (if there is one of course) – the staffed foxed me good and proper, and as I tried to make the level of the pile head downwards they just kept topping it up!

I did pretty well though, and had almost reached the bottom before my head went into shock – although this time it was more likely to have been a stress related headache rather than the dreaded lurgy of mine resurfacing, but still, - the head did get to a stage where it couldn’t look at another bit of paper. So I bailed out, and went and met a friend for a coffee instead (as you do of course when you’re supposed to be at work… I think it’s known as ‘networking’ – it’s fabulous – I highly recommend it!)

So got through Thursday and was so excited that finally I got to speak to people again, and not just those who exist in my head in outerspace as, as much as you lot are rather fabulous of course, I can't seem to excercise the mouth as well, and as you may have gathered from the amount of garbage I can spit out on this thing, I am one who’s quite keen for a bit of a chat!

Friday I actually put on a skirt in celebration. Celebration for the fact of course that it was already Furihday (Can I just say I do like these 2 day working weeks), secondly, I finally got to ‘shoot the breeze’ , and, most importantly, the small detail that my head did not finally feel like it wanted to explode …..Yay!!

Now you may think that the donning of a skirt is no big deal, but that’s because you haven’t seen me in my general attire of black trousers or blue jeans. And what a sensation it caused let me tell you. In our office they wanted to declare a public holiday in honour of me wearing said skirt, because they all know that usually I only dust those legs of mine off once a year for such an occasion and that’s in honour of Christmas Day! (being of course that my kind of skirts are hardly 3 inches on the ‘micro’ side but more like 3 feet on the ‘make sure it’s all covered’ side – meaning the dusting off of the legs is of no consequence whatsoever, and I’m not quite sure what all the fuss is about, but nevertheless, ‘the chick in a skirt’, always causes a stir.)

It was though, like all my Christmases had come at once.

No more looking through the ‘Book of Death’ every hour telling me the same useless bit of information …”Go and see your doctor NOW”, for every symptom I had. No more playing Bingo online and feeling like I should be parking a Zimmer frame at the front door for special outings, and finally real conversations with real people that weren’t incredibly hairy and rushed about on four legs panting a lot !

(Sounds like I got stuck in an old people’s home reading that … but I meant my dogs, who although pretty damn smart let me tell you, are bit of a bore when it comes to conversations concerning the price of cheese in Outer Mongolia. It seems their interests are closer to home, and conversations are slightly limited and tend to deal with topics such as;

“Will you feed me?”,

“Can we go for a walk?”,

“Drive in the car perhaps?”, or

“I’m sure someone mentioned food.”)

So you see, I’m back, and full of nonsense yet again.

‘There is light at the end of the tunnel after all’ ……..

Woo Hoo .......

As you might gather, I am slightly bored of all this ..

2008-05-12T17:13:00.005+03:00

Being sick in bed and all, one tends to become quite morbid it seems.

You go throught the inevitable “Oh my god, am I dying? Is this really it?” through “Should I be writing my will?” and onto “Lets look through the great book of death and see what illness I’ve really got that's going to kills me off, because this loooong named virus just doesn’t sound serious enough to do me in surely!!

So out comes the book of death (it’s known as the Medical Encyclopaedia to most), and I systematically go through the symptoms, as you do.

.. explosive head…

…drunk feeling without actually opening the gin bottle

.. explosive bottom (sorry – probably far too much information there)

And what do I have …..

Oooh – it’s a ‘Consult your doctor’ illness – God, how dull.

I know, I’ll go one better and Google “explosive head” on the internet …

- how about this for useful?

How To Tell If Your Head's About To Blow Up

Ah – well, it seems that if my skull was going to internally combust, it probably would have done so by now, so that’s not very helpful.

So, this is the most significant thing that I seem to be able to come up with entitled “explosive head”

Actually I ended up laughing so hard my head hurt more than it has all day – so probably not that useful but then I came across an awfully valuable site totally heaving with useless information and I thought I should share a couple of these titbits as they seem rather pertinent right now!

Did you know???? from www.livescience.com

Your Stomach Secretes Corrosive Acid

There's one dangerous liquid no airport security can confiscate from you: It's in your gut. Your stomach cells secrete hydrochloric acid, a corrosive compound used to treat metals in the industrial world. It can pickle steel, but mucous lining the stomach wall keeps this poisonous liquid safely in the digestive system, breaking down lunch.

(which goes far in explaining that dangerous smell I’ve got hanging out in here – aren’t you all glad you didn’t drop by to visit!)

Body Position Affects Your Memory

Can't remember your anniversary, hubby? Try getting down on one knee. Memories are highly embodied in our senses. A scent or sound may evoke a distant episode from one's childhood. The connections can be obvious (a bicycle bell makes you remember your old paper route) or inscrutable. A recent study helps decipher some of this embodiment. An article in the January 2007 issue of Cognition reports that episodes from your past are remembered faster and better while in a body position similar to the pose struck during the event.

(I can confirm that this is true when one has been lying in bed for days – it seems you can’t remember a bloody thing you’ve done – or not – ah, perhaps that’s the point – you see, What memory?)

..and with all that, I seem to have forgotten the point of all this ....

Politics the world over ......

2008-05-11T10:52:00.004+03:00

This is politics the world over summed up perfectly by our man in The Standard today ....

I've got a real illness after all ...

2008-05-09T21:19:00.005+03:00

Ok, so it turns out my hormones are in perfect working order and I haven’t got a ‘bloke’ illness at all but a genuine one with a really loooong name that I can’t possibly pronounce but it most definitely sounds like I should be in my bed!

So I am, and am incredibly bored I might add. Even the thrill of watching TV all day has not inspired me in the slightest and I haven’t even switched it on. I have an awful worry that I may be catching that “TV’s a load of bollix” disease and next thing you know, I’ll be stopping my satellite subscription …….

Whoops, sorry, it’s Ok Disney Channel, I promise not to cancel my satellite subscription and bankrupt you as my son wouldn’t allow it and would go on strike, and seeing as Disney Channel is what I use to bribe him to get anything done in this house – I simply couldn’t do that to myself!!

You see, I shouldn’t be worrying about politics – or not – and how much our mate Raila has spent of our hard earned cash, on his fabulous welding goggles that he’s been sporting since his trip round the world for an eye op. Instead I should be writing a blog on “How to effectively bribe your children” and “How to be an absolutely FAB parent”, and of course my favourite of the day “How to waste 24 hours on the internet WITHOUT taking a break” - except of course for the odd pee and frequent ‘raid the fridge’ stops!!

You see, that’s what happens when you end up with an unpronounceable virus that makes you feel like you’re drunk as a skunk without the expense of buying lots of gin.

It’s bloody marvellous actually and I highly recommend it….

The only other time I felt like this was when I dislocated my shoulder and the surgeon gave me a pethadine injection and then proceeded to climb on top of me, stick his knee in my shoulder and have the nurse yank my arm in the other direction!!

Luckily he had given me the pethadine first – not because of the pain – but the fact that I wasn’t compus mentos enough to really think about how ethical it was that the orthopaedic surgeon was actually sitting on me.

Really, I should have sued and then I’d be a rich chick by now and wouldn’t have to spend my sickly days surfing for jobs!

Oh woe is me I tell you, and with that, I shall love you and leave you, and hope that tomorrow I may wake up slightly more sane and perhaps start talking a little more sense.

But then again .......

Seems I have a sickness of sorts ...

2008-05-07T15:34:00.008+03:00

I am writing this post from the comfort of my bed can you believe, squinting through one eye and typing with a few fingers – that are making a lot of mistakes I might add!

It seems I’ve come over ‘all blokey’, and just can’t cope.

You know the sort of ‘all blokey’ sickness – where you’ve got to moan and groan a lot like a man with a sore toe and make sure you drag the sympathy out of those all around you, and get waited on hand and foot. Not the woman kind of sickness where, no matter what, you just keep on going.

Perhaps I've got a hormone imbalance, or perhaps it's a kind of transvestite thing that's creeping up on me. I'd better start emailing yer man Ronaldo for a spot of advice!

...... and by the way, don't all you chaps out there reading this get all defensive and shoot straight down to the comment box trying to justify yourselves (or Ronaldo for that matter).

Us women have heard it all before :)

I don’t understand it. I hardly ever get sick, yet since Monday evening I have had a splitting headache with frequent head spin and it just does not seem to want to go away.

Went to bed Monday night feeling like I was completely drunk, yet the fact that I haven’t had a drink for years didn’t quite make up for it. Woke up Tuesday morning feeling like I had been run over by a large double decker bus during the night, but being a girl – and NOT a bloke, I crawled out of my bed at 5.30am, had some breakfast, argued with my son, took him to school, and then ….

Faded rapidly and headed straight back to bed where I stayed for the rest of the day.

This morning I definitely didn’t feel normal, but hey what’s normal these days, and I most definitely felt a lot better than yesterday. So, crawled out of bed yet again, dropped my son at school, sorted out some stuff that had gotten messed up yesterday whilst I was sleeping, and then headed for the office, and there I sat – being a little slow I may add – but I caught up on my emails and signed the usual 3 Million bits of little paper that accumulate when you take the day off, and then ….. my head decided that no matter how many pain killers I got down my neck – it was going to pop anyway.

So decided best I leave the office quick before I leave a mess up the walls with explosive grey matter and the like, and shoot off down to the Surgery to see if they could conjure me up some miracle cure or just perhaps sellotape my head back together if things got out of hand, but oh no, …..

“Oooh, I’m so sorry madam that your head may explode in the next 30 minutes however I’m afraid that the doctors are all fully booked for the next three weeks. But perhaps if you’re really, really dying, I could squeeze you in with someone at 12.30 tomorrow.”

But hold on, I may be dead by tomorrow – and then what you going to do??

Huh Huh Huh ???

I had no idea that scheduling yourself being sick was an ‘in advance’ thing to be done and one mustn’t descend on the doctor once you're already ill and get yourself an appointment without giving notice waaaaay ahead.

I think I missed a memo somewhere – thought you got sick first, then planned to see the doc. Didn’t realise you were supposed to do it the other way round.

You see – I should have asked a bloke!! He He !!

What it's really like in "The Ladies" loo ...

2008-05-06T11:09:00.004+03:00

This is dedicated to women everywhere who have to deal with any public rest rooms/toilets (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!), and it finally explains to the men what really does take us so long.

When you have to visit a public toilet, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the cubicle doors. Every cubicle is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the cubicle. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!

The dispenser for the modern 'seat covers' (invented by someone's Mum, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your bag on the door hook, if there was one, so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mum would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!) down with your pants and assume ' The Stance.

In this position, your aging, toneless, thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but having not taken time to wipe the seat or to lay toilet paper on it, you hold 'The Stance.'

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser.

In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, 'Dear, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!' Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your bag (the bag around your neck, that now you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do, so you crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work.

The door hits your bag, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest and you and your bag topple backward against the tank of the toilet.

'Occupied!' you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, while losing your footing altogether and sliding down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.

You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, 'You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get.

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl and spraying a fine mist of water that covers your bum and runs down your legs and into your shoes.

The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force and you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a sweet wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can't figure out how to operate the taps with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting

You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it?)

You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, 'Here, you just might need this.

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and left the men's toilet. Annoyed, he asks, 'What took you so long and why is your bag hanging around your neck?

Just a thought ........

2008-05-02T10:02:00.007+03:00

At the beginning of the week, when it was announced that our newly ensconced Prime Minister would be flying out of the country for a spot of scheduled surgery and probably would not be back before the weekend, it crossed my mind that it was a little odd that Raila would not be around for such a big celebration as Labour Day, especially seeing as he has only just been sworn in and this would be the first proper state occasion at which to show off the new coalition and the new peace for Kenya.

BUT then, our dear President took to the podium and announced that for a second year in a row there would be no review of the minimum wage. He explained this was to protect businesses that were suffering from the post election chaos, and that the wanainchi shouldn't worry about the over inflated cabinet that was swallowing all the cash, because if we want peace that is a price we have to pay.

Then I realised how CONVENIENT it was that Honourable Raila Odinga was not part of this news, knowing full well I assume, that it would go down with our people like a lead balloon. Surely this means that in the future, if needs be (and chances are they will), he can turn around and say he had nothing to do with the decision not to raise the minimum wage and 'What on earth was Kibaki thinking?'

Thing is, if this is supposedly a 'coalition' government, does that not mean that with such major decisions as whether or not to review the minimum wage should surely have been discussed between them .... Ama ?

"Mmmm, yes, think I too might have opted for the laser eye surgery than be party to what was obviously going to be a bit of a crap day out .."

Also interesting don't you think, that our President blames the wanainchi for the chaos and says therefore we should pay the bill for it, knowing full well that ultimately POVERTY is what has got us to this awful position in the first place, and all he is doing is sinking us further into the mud by this decision.

Do you think these people will ever actually see the daylight, or will they conveniently sit aloft in their grand towers until the end of time?

Is this what it's all about ....

2008-04-30T10:53:00.006+03:00

This is what felt like waking up this morning ......

Mmmmm ............
I'm kind of wondering what is the point.
Anyone got any bright ideas?
Ooooh, here's one ......

Do you think it's the weather??

Turns out this is more likely what is causing the severe depression.
........ News alert just in from the BBC within the last hour......

Kenya cash shortfall over cabinet

- have a read, and you too will know EXACTLY how I feel!!

And we’re worried about politics ….

2008-04-25T11:31:00.006+03:00

Here in Kenya, our fabulous coalition government couldn’t get through yet another day without arguing. This time it was about protocol, the PM got to speak before the VP, suggesting apparently, that the VP is therefore more senior than the PM. The President, it seemed, couldn’t have really cared less who spoke when, how, and about what, and had a jolly old time testing out his own incredible speech skills when it was his turn, with the best part of it all being played repeatedly on every news slot available.

It went something like this;

“You See, You See, You Sssseeeeee!”

Actually I didn’t see it at all, and it took me three times of watching the news byte to get what he was on about which was evidently all about being “One Kenya, One People”. Nice thought Mr Kibaki, I like it a lot, but I’m afraid I still don’t quite see it.

Down in Zimbabwe, Uncle Bob seems to have succeeded in having the entire world turn against him – Oh, apart from Thabo Mbeki of course, who obviously has some sort of strange deal going on with the man. I wouldn’t be surprised if it went something like;

MUGABE : “Listen Tabs, stick with me and once we’re through this small hiccup and they’ve all calmed down about the beatings and starvation, I’ll change the law so that I’m President for life and then we’ll put South Africa and Zimbabwe together, kick out all your white farmers and take over the world!”

THABO MBEKI : “Mmmm, yeah, good one Bob. I mean what the hell does the rest of the world know anyway. They think HIV causes AIDS and everything. Come on now. All those Western fellows thinking they have the upper hand on us Africans eh. We’ll show them!”

But meanwhile across in the Congo, they have much larger troubles to deal with
- or not - as the case may be.

Lynchings in Congo as penis theft panic hits capital

Police in Congo have arrested 13 suspected sorcerers accused of using black magic to steal or shrink men's penises after a wave of panic and attempted lynchings triggered by the alleged witchcraft.

Rumours of penis theft began circulating last week in Kinshasa, Democratic Republic of Congo's sprawling capital of some 8 million inhabitants. They quickly dominated radio call-in shows, with listeners advised to beware of fellow passengers in communal taxis wearing gold rings.

Well surely now, all you blokes out there should be panicking for those sorcerers are known for flying about and the Congo’s not too far from here I’ll have you know.

Clearly you ought to be scouring the matatus and Citi Hoppers for all those wearing gold rings. I mean you don’t want some sorcerer nipping off with your willy now when you’re not looking.

For goodness sake, Mugabe may be a dictator, Mbeki a complete wimp, and all the Kenyan leaders collectively a bunch of money grabbers who can’t sort out the IDP mess, but what does any of that matter when here right under our very noses we have much more crucial problems.

All the women are laughing shamelessly at all the men, and undoubtedly all the men's main source of concern right now is;

- “Where have all the willys gone”

….. Ooooh I feel a song coming on !

How unfair is that ... ?

2008-04-24T09:12:00.004+03:00

Simply couldn't resist sharing this -

Just saw this article on Reuters ;

"Police officer sacked for sex on the job"

A police officer was forced to resign on Wednesday for having sex with a prostitute at a building he had been sent to investigate to see if it was a brothel.

It made me laugh as it highlights so well the differences between us all.

Here in Kenya this policeman would have been applauded for such behaviour and probably ended up with a jolly big bonus (apart from whatever he got from the lady in question of course).

I mean how can you fire a guy for such meticulous investigation techniques?

Fluffy Chick ...

2008-04-22T12:26:00.003+03:00

Today I’m fluffing about in a state of ‘fluffiness’. I think it is because it rained all night and my brain is still damp, However I shall write, if only to entertain myself – who I of course find incredibly amusing (being the founder of the ‘Self Appreciation Society”, which is about to recruit a further 210 members of the Kenyan parliament.

'Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress..
But I repeat myself.'
--Mark Twain

This is the state of our politics today, those who didn’t make the cabinet are still all arguing about who DIDN’T get which job, and those that did get a job in the cabinet are putting out warnings to the “graft watchdog” on all contracts that have been awarded in their ‘new’ departments in the previous five years that didn’t directly involve any members of their immediate family.

All Military officers have been given a 20% reduction in their meager salaries in order to help out the IDP’s whereas all the MP’s sit pretty with their hefty pay packets, which is totally and utterly outrageous.

The only serious issue that seems to be coming out of headline news is that The Prime Minister will not be getting his 30 Million Shillings Mercedes this month as the government is “Lacking funds”!!

- OH THE SHAME ………

Saying that, it turns out I too have been humiliated, not by an entire country however that won’t buy me a new car, but by cyberspace itself.

I have just received this message through my email:-

Hi Mzunguchick !
You know that you have a "bimbo"?
Its important to take care of it! She dead now! But you can save her again!

Thank Christ she is – now get her to learn the English language before she dare live again; anyone saying “She dead now” deserves to die quite frankly!

Here in Kenya we use sophisticated English do you mind – stuff like;

“See over there *point with chin*;
It’s that ka-guy, sindio?”

“Wewe, Pleeeease, I’m rushing, just pick it, halafu come.”

You see so what’s with the ‘She Dead Now’???

Then I’ve got some message from Facebook telling me that my “hatchlings are unhappy” because apparently I haven’t been feeding the little blighters!

So there you go, what kind of a mother am I killing off Bimbo’s and hatchlings I hear you cry, but no matter, I caught up with some blog reading (as you do when you should be working), and I’ve found the book for me, so all’s well.

It’s a picture book aimed at 4 to 8 year olds entitled “My Beautiful Mommy” that’s all about plastic surgery and “aims to explain why mom (argh!) is getting a flatter tummy and a ‘prettier’ nose – note the American spelling there because surely there is NO other country in the entire world who could come out with such a book and …. Shockingly … actually sell copies.

The fact of course that I already exist as “Beautiful Mummy” to my one and only 8 year old son with attitude is neither here nor there – did I ever tell you about his poor eyesight?? Only kidding, his eyes are perfect I’ll have you know, he can make out every detail on the Disney’s channel's “Brandy and Mr. Whiskers.”

Actually I got told off on Sunday by my son’s 8 year old best friend who told me that I should only allow him to watch TV for an hour in an evening when there was no school the next day, so that meant only twice a week on Friday and Saturday evening – because that’s all he’s allowed! The fact that he comes round to our house most days after school and switches our TV on is probably totally irrelevant in his world!

So there you go, even dissed as a bad mother by the neighbours 8 year old – things aren’t good.

But it’s ok, I have figured out the solution to 8 year old attitude …..

it’s called the threat of boarding school and works a treat let me tell you

– highly recommended.

I’m sure some child psychologists would view this as child cruelty but seriously I will carry this out if my orders are not obeyed to the letter let me tell you.

I too shall one day become Prime Minister and shall be known as;

“SHE WHO MUST BE OBEYED”

from the “DEPARTMENT OF HOME AFFAIRS”,

and take note, I shall be ordering my Mercedes now before any of you smart Alec’s get any more ideas about not affording another one.

The police haven’t had a pay cut yet – what’s wrong with you ????. …..

The Chick's Sunday Political Commentary....

2008-04-20T15:37:00.003+03:00

Politics in Kenya is increasingly depressing, but looking at the international news, I'm not entirely convinced that half the world is any better.

All that aside, here's a brief run down of where I see we're at right now.

You will be pleased to know that we are not currently under ‘Mungiki’ law in Nairobi at the moment and things have returned to the normal. I say we are not under Mungiki rule, but I’m sure the matatus are paying their ‘daily protection fees’ for operating and in those areas where Mungiki are the majority I’m sure that everyone is back to paying to walk to their house in safety, etc. as before but overall they have stopped holding the country hostage to their demands at this stage as Raila said last Thursday that he was prepared to talk to them and they have said that for now they will back off.

The saddest thing is in our country today is that we just brush it under the carpet, pay them off for now and hope they keep quiet for a while so that the government can get on with its inherent task of raping the country.

Kofi Annan is about at the moment and even he knows the score.

He has suggested that the ‘negotiation team’ has far from completed their task. Although they have finally named a cabinet, there are still the major issues of why this country blew up in the first place and how are they going to sort out those land issues and poverty issues, now all conveniently put on the back burner whilst everyone rushes round insisting on being addressed as “Mweshimiwa”!

Talk is that Raila wants everything out in the open for all to see what’s happening and how decisions for the country will be made, but then why is it that;

a) Raila has never explained what actually went on with his secret cabinet negotiations rendezvous, and how did he give in to the highly inflated numbers in the cabinet?

b) Thursday he said he would talk to the Mungiki so that they called off Friday’s ‘general strike’ that they were trying to hold, and yet since Thursday not a peep about it as if the trouble last week never existed.

I’m sorry but I know the favourite saying at the moment is “It’s not business as usual”, but seriously chaps, tell me what isn’t business as usual with the same old hidden scams going on left, right and centre and the press quiet about it all.

I’m not sure that anyone is willing to listen to Kofi Annan anymore as it seems that as far as those big boys are concerned, yes, they’re very grateful thank you for bringing us away from the brink of all out civil war, but as for all our inherent problems that got us there in the first place, well let them simmer for a few years and when we have another general election in 2012 the country can go through this whole nightmare once again because all those current “Mweshimiwa’s” will have voted themselves for a stonking retirement package, raped the country for as much as they can possibly get away with, achieved nothing with regards to the great poverty divide and any serious land issues, and then they’ll all leg it and leave it to a new bunch of ‘wanna be’s’ to fight it out.

Meanwhile food prices soar and shortages loom worldwide, and with our recent violence and displacement of farmers, these are more threatening to Kenya and the great rich/poor divide than ever before. Yet personally, I haven’t yet heard any talk of what the government may intend on doing about it anytime soon.

Now What ......

2008-04-17T12:07:00.003+03:00

The latest episode that has become the saga of our lives here in Kenya is now that we are being held hostage by gangs of thugs (- apart from those of our coalition government of course, although all being sworn in quite happily today with Uncle Kofi standing by, are still arguing - sorry, negotiating), but by a well known terror gang known as the 'Mungiki'.

I have mentioned them before as over the last few months, they have been shockingly brazen about revealing themselves and brandishing their weapons and tactics about, and this latest episode even has them holding press conferences.

What is slightly worrying here is that the police insist they are in control of the whole thing. Eric Kiraithe, the police spokesman, has been marvelous as always, and has told all Kenyans to get their arses back on the street and stop getting so excited about a few hundred pyromaniacs roaming the streets with their box of matches in one hand and machete in the other threatening people.

“But Hey Mr. Kiraithe, Pray do tell,

If it was your brother living in Muranga town innocently running a little shop making a few thousand shillings a day, who was then told “Open your shop today and the consequences are a ten thousand shilling fine (which he could not possibly afford), or being beheaded, would you be still telling him to get his arse downtown and open those doors?”

The government somehow does not seem overly concerned about the whole affair. I'm not quite sure if it's because they're still smarting over who missed out on being in the incredibly inflated cabinet that we can ill afford, or if its that they're too busy getting in their wish list on which car, house, office desk, etc they would like to have purchased for them now that they are all so incredibly important! But whichever it is, they do not seem excessively bothered by how many Kenyans have been burnt alive or executed, and how much more property has been destroyed just in the last few days.

I was talking to someone in the morning who lives in Dandora. Now personally I would have said that Dandora was really one of the better areas of Nairobi in which to live. Rents are far from being the cheapest and it is most definitely not a ‘bad’ area of town with minimal violence, thuggery or anything else going down there – even in the post-election skirmishes - but now it seems Dandora is not the place you wish to be calling “home” anymore.

Now it seems that if you live in Dandora, first of all, you’ll be lucky if you can find transport at all, as all the matatus (or mini buses) that run around the area into and out of town have been warned off the roads, and those that are operating are charging over 150/- (over US$2) per trip, which when most wanainchi make not much over that in a day is not exactly conducive to bother going to work at all. Then she tells me that all the ladies in the area have been given leaflets telling them what to wear.

It must be a skirt and the length must reach below the knee.

Penalty for not following the dress code is a humiliating stripping and public beating.

Last night, SMS’s were sent round all over saying that you must leave the city centre by 7.30pm or you shall be killed. Then this morning new SMS’s stated that all those who work in the Industrial Area should not go into work.

It’s all just fear mongering but hey how much is your life worth, and is it worth ignoring these warnings because by doing so ‘Eric Kiraithe’ says you’re doing the right thing ??

The public demands from the Mungiki are that they are mourning the death of the wife of their leader (who is currently inside being entertained at the country’s expense), who was shot last week together with her driver, and they believe the police were involved and should be brought to book for it, and that they want some police force group that has been formed to crack down on them all, to be disbanded.

However, the leaflets now circulating on the ground ‘explaining’ this reign of terror go with a slightly different, yet more realistic reasoning, and that is that the ‘Mungiki’ say they have not been paid their ‘protection’ monies from various government ministers for the last few months. They had no part in the general election and therefore gained no rewards from that, and now that the Kikuyu’s have not taken a majority in the parliament and just to prove how powerful they are, they are going to paralyse operations in Kenya just to show that ‘all is not normal’ just because a cabinet has been named and all is ‘apparently well’.

They also explain that they are the ancestors of the ‘Mau Mau’ and that they brought independence to Kenya and therefore all the land gained from the colonials is rightfully theirs and they now wish to be handed over.

In this leaflet, there were apparently some ministers actually named of who they generally receive money from quite regularly, and reading it seems to me to make quite a few other discrepancies in our world here add up a lot better.

I personally will keep that bit of gossip to myself as like a true Kenyan I like to do some serious stirring of the pot and then keep all the best meat for me !!

I should title this ... and here we go again!

2008-04-14T15:59:00.002+03:00

Just to please you all after our joyous little occassion of festivities yesterday after the naming of the extremely large cabinet of over 100 ministers (with 40 ministries and god knows how many assistants for each), and now with a heavy head I'm afraid this is what we've woken up with today ......

Dear Friends:

Following the skirmishes that were reported this morning, this is the current security update as at 1130 hrs from KK Security:

Situation in Nairobi
Runda / Ruaka / Ndenderu – The situation has normalized and public transport has resumed.

Thika Road – Police have the situation under control. Public transport has resumed. A security crackdown is underway in Mathare North.

Kikuyu – Transit goods trucks have blocked the road out of Kikuyu leading to traffic blockages. The trucks had their tyres deflated at Gitaru. Police are working to clear the road. Public transport has been disrupted. There are reports of roadblocks at Feed the Children Junction and at Dagoretti.

Kariobangi / Dandora / Juja Rd area – The area is a hot-bed of Mungiki activities and there have been reports of vehicles burnt. Police patrols have been intensified and there are reports of a security operation against Mungiki in the area.

Githurai / Zimmermann / Kahawa West – In the morning, the roads had been blocked. There was gunfire as police cleared the road. The situation has normalized and there are police roadblocks. Public transport has resumed.

Enterprise Rd – There were running battles between the Police and the Mungiki in the morning and there were gunshots heard, so far the situation has calmed down as it’s a game of hide and seek.

Situation across other Towns

At least 10 suspected Mungiki have been gunned down by police across Nairobi, Central and Rift Valley provinces. Nine have been killed by police, two by Mungiki.

In Makadara a man was hacked to death overnight.
In Kariobangi estate two suspects burning cars were shot dead.
On Kirinyaga road, another suspect was killed
In Eldoret, two suspects have been shot dead.
Naivasha recorded one death. Another was killed on the Nairobi-Nakuru road.
Two suspects were killed in both Ruiru and Murang’a.
Thirty vehicles and a petrol station were set ablaze in Embakasi.
In Nakuru, two vehicles were set ablaze in Bahati by Mungiki who barricaded the Nakuru-Nyahururu road.

Cause of Disturbances
Mungiki are reported to be protesting against the killing of jailed sect leader Maina Njenga’s wife and his driver last week. The protests are also to pressurize the government to release the sect leader from prison. This morning, a group calling itself the Kenya National Youth Alliance claimed responsibility for the disturbances.

More reports to follow as they come

Here we go

2008-04-13T17:50:00.000+03:00

Best unpack your best frocks and put on your dancing shoes - we have a cabinet!

I'm sure they'll find something else to argue about on Tuesday when they finally get Parliament underway but for now, it's a huge step forward and let's just be thankful for that.

Sadly, as expected, it is a well inflated cabinet of 40 members which is completely unnecessary but if that is the only way we can have peace right now, then I'm afraid it is a price we must pay.

The Vice President did not change, and the two deputy PM's are Uhuru Kenyatta who also got the Trade docket and Musalia Mudavadi got the other deputy PM slot along with Uhuru Kenyatta's much disputed Ministry for Local Government.

A few selected other posts we're security that stayed with Saitoti, finance stayed with Kimunya, foreign affairs is Wetangula.

Then lands went to Orengo, tourism is with Balala, Ruto got agriculture and environment and mineral resources went to Michuki, so let's hope he doesn't do a Goldenburg TOO on us!

There is of course the other 30 odd that I haven't got into but basically the main bones of contention are all listed here, and all I have to say now is . . .

Thanks, I'll have a cold one!

Cheers!

Sent from my BlackBerry®

Here we go . . .

2008-04-13T16:12:00.000+03:00

Hey ho, here we go! . . Apparently anyhow. Just standing by with live TV waiting for big boys to unveil new cabinet.

Will keep you posted. . .

Sent from my BlackBerry®

Perhaps the Italians have got it right ...

2008-04-11T10:47:00.004+03:00

First things first.

If I receive yet another email about the bloody obvious or anything else equally unhelpful
– like ....

”make your girlfriend worship you by adding some more inches to your shaft”,

“14 different ways to crush pain and inflammation” or

“decrease your cellulite, lose body fat and increase your libido”

…….. Oooh, Oooh, Oooh, hold on, I didn’t delete that one did I?
Damn, Damn, Damn….,

I shall resort to this ………

But just as I was about to lob the computer out of the first floor window, some inspiration appeared on my screen in the form of a “Reuters News Alert”.

Listen to this,

“Porn star unveils Italy campaign weapon – her bottom”…..…..

But of course, what else is essential is any political office, besides a nice, pert bottom ??

I read on ….

Targeting her male fan base, the veteran of Italy's adult entertainment industry (porn star Milly D'Abbraccio) has plastered images of her derriere all around the Eternal City in a bid to win a seat in Rome's city hall.

If elected, D'Abbraccio wants to create a red light area with strip clubs, erotic discos and sex shops called "Love City" just kilometres away from the Vatican. "It would be something cute, clean -- nothing to do with prostitution," said the actress whose films include "The Kiss of the Cobra" and "Paolina Borghese, Imperial Nymphomaniac".

"People don't want to see these politicians' faces anymore," she told Reuters in an interview from her Rome apartment.

As for experience, D'Abbraccio acknowledges she is a political novice but she did play a powerful lawmaker in an adult film called "L'Onorevole".

"I played the part of the speaker of the lower house of parliament, who got very hot and then let herself go," she said.

Excellent, she sounds like an exceedingly special candidate for any political agenda, with her ‘cute’ and ‘clean’ ideas ….

Ms D’Abbraccio for President I say.

At least it’ll be much more entertaining than this lot we’ve got ourselves stuck with over here I’m sure, and I’d rather my taxes were wasted on ‘erotic discos’ and ‘strip clubs’ than wasted lining some fat oaf’s personal pockets!

I’ve no idea why any Universities bother to teach any courses at all in “Politics”, as obviously the only qualification it takes to enter into any political assembly worldwide is to be a complete twit. And the bigger the twit you are, the higher up the political ladder you are likely to climb!

Nothing to say . .

2008-04-10T09:23:00.000+03:00

I really haven't forgotten you people out there in the big wide world looking for updates on the situation here in Kenya, but really there is nothing to say.

Yesterday there was no real trouble or rioting and all tear gas cannisters seemed to have stayed in their boxes which was rather good but as for our politicians they have achieved . . Mmmm . . Actually f*** all!

It seems this coalition business is never going to really work out and general consensus is heading towards the way of sorting out the electoral commission and have a rerun for the presidential seat, but who really knows.

Kenyans are not amused, but we look across at our cousins in Zimbabwe and thank god that at least we are not in their shoes. For it looks like their elections have turned out to be even more of a farce than ours and by the looks of things Uncle Bob shall just continue with business as usual and really couldn't give a damn what anyone thinks - especially his fellow Zimbabweans.

So here in Kenya we live in exhausted limbo waiting to see what move our 'great leaders' have to make next, but meanwhile just getting on with our lives, dealing with rising inflation and hoping that one day we may have our beautiful country back together in one piece of normality.

So far though, it is a remote hope, although I have to say that I personally do believe that eventually all will be well.

I have faith, (and all body parts crossed of course!)

Sent from my BlackBerry®

Can you believe this is how far we've got in 100 days ....

2008-04-08T15:44:00.004+03:00

This is a report from Reuters News Alert, and this is a picture from this morning in Nairobi, Kenya - TODAY, the 8th APRIL 2008 !! I have to say that this is quite unbelievable, but sadly, totally true ....

Kenya opposition suspends talks, protests flare

Tue 8 Apr 2008, 11:16 GMT

NAIROBI (Reuters) - Kenya's opposition suspended talks with President Mwai Kibaki's party on Tuesday and police fired teargas to disperse opposition supporters protesting at deepening deadlock over a power-sharing cabinet.

Kibaki and his rival Raila Odinga traded blame on Monday after a disagreement over how to share ministries delayed the naming of the cabinet for the second time in two days.

"We have resolved that negotiations ... be suspended until (Kibaki's party) fully recognises the 50/50 power-sharing arrangement and the principle of portfolio balance," Anyang' Nyong'o, secretary-general of Odinga's Orange Democratic Movement, told a news conference.

The protests in Nairobi's Kibera slum were the biggest since Kibaki and Odinga reached a power-sharing deal in February to end a crisis that killed at least 1,200 people after Kibaki's disputed re-election in December.

"People are burning tyres and shouting. Police are firing teargas and also firing into the air ... I think there are over 100 protesters," said witness Justine Mokua.

TEMPERATURE RISING

The tough words from both sides have revived fears for political progress and modest economic recovery in Kenya.

"I believe the temperature is rising among Kenyans and so I pray things won't get out of control," said John Mwangi, a 50-year-old businessman in Nairobi.

Most of the disagreement centres on a handful of ministries that Odinga's ODM said Kibaki's Party of National Unity (PNU) had promised to give up.

Odinga, the country's prime minister-designate, said he was ready to discuss the cabinet again with Kibaki once there was "clarity" over the disputed ministries. Kibaki said he was ready to conclude the process at the earliest possible opportunity.

"The reason they want them is because there's money there," she said. "If there is a corruption-free government it shouldn't matter who has what. It seems everybody is bent on securing something for themselves and that's what makes us upset."

Mmmm, 'corruption' - you don't say!

.... and then this from our own Nation Media Alerts:

Message from PNU MP's to ODM: Drop conditions and resume talks, Kibaki hands not tied by current Cabinet, ready for lean Govt - or even fresh elections.

It really sounds like we are not just stepping backwards, but running at high speed !

Political Cartoon in Kenya's Daily Nation today ..

2008-04-07T15:04:00.003+03:00

(For those of you who may be unfamiliar, the ECK is the "Electoral Commission of Kenya" who royally cocked up our own results back in December, and are currently under investigation.)

This cartoonist 'Kenny' sums it up perfectly, no other words needed ........

Let's talk about ME !!

2008-04-06T12:12:00.004+03:00

I'm fed up with talking about the mad Uncle Bob arsing about in Zimbabwe, and our "coalition" here in Kenya that cannot even agree on Step One - "Let's name the government", which by the way, has extremely little chance of being named today as promised, so instead let's talk about ME ....

As you know, I have moved! I'm over the stress of it all, settled in and so so happy in my new home that I thought I'd share and make you all into 'jolly green giants' - and that won't be the nice, sweet, tasty little pea varieties either, but the hairy green eyed monsters that come from extreme jealously and you will all look hideous. I of course will look fabulous, and win the "My God, isn't she the lucky one" competition hands down!

So here goes. I shall invite you into a sneak peak at my new home - not the inside because that's just got walls (lovely coloured ones though, none of that 'off-white' nonsense for me!), and floors (oooh, actually lovely wooden ones throughout!), and corridors and stuff, and the fact that the entire house I have just moved out of could fit in the living room in this one, is neither here nor there! Instead I have decided to let you look round the garden because it is absolutely stunning and in fact I'm thinking of having tours (for a price of course, I am a Kenyan!), like they do around those National Trust homes in the UK, but for you lot (seeing as you're me mates and all), I'll let you look round for free!

We'll start with the view from where I'm sitting right this minute....

Then we'll move onto the house ........ well a bit of it anyway (you know the sneak preview - gosh don't you love it), without revealing all .....

Then this is the garden (or the middle of it anyhow) .......

Oooh look, we even have a visitor .............. (Mmmm, you'll probably notice the beautiful weather we're having .... Oooooh that was spiteful as I do know the weather, especially in the Northern Hemisphere right now, is shocking ! )

and you'll see even my little men are smiling and playing us a tune

............. All is Well !

(Of course as long as I never step out of my gate again and back into the real world it is anyway.)

Uncle Bob

2008-04-06T07:43:00.000+03:00

According to a Zimbabwe newspaper this morning, President Robert Mugabe has demanded a recount of the votes due to 'miscalculations' and 'discrepancies' . . . .

Er . . . Sorry, but did I miss something?

First of all they haven't even released the official results, and also Mugabe is the same fellow who appointed the electoral commission in the first place and they are all supposed to be his henchmen, so surely if his own commission can't fiddle the results enough to have him win, isn't it about time he put his hands up and got the hell out of there???

You've got to admit that it is totally outrageous that the international community can just stand by and watch without rushing in with a straight jacket for the guy !

Sent from my BlackBerry®

Breaking news out of Zimbabwe

2008-04-04T19:51:00.000+03:00

It seems that Uncle Bob's party, the Zanu PF are contesting 16 of the parliamentary seats with claims that the opposition party had 'bribed' election officials!

If the Zanu PF takes those 16 seats back, it means they then have the majority!

Also the party is reporting that there will be a run off election for the Presidency, ss according to them there is no majority.

Oooooh, what a surprise . . . . Er . . . NOT!

So as predicted all over, Mugabe is totally barking mad, and is going to keep fighting and flattening the people and basically couldn't give a flying fart what Zimbos really think!
Power is a strange thing! It seems that it cooks the brain cells and renders those with it totally unable to make rational decisions.

I'll let you know if I hear more . . . .

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Been a bit quiet …..

2008-04-03T18:55:00.003+03:00

It’s not like to keep my big mouth shut for so long, but I have been moving house, - which 9 out of 10 dog owners agree is highly stressful!

Anyway I have survived the ordeal and can now report that every last box has been unpacked and every last picture has been hung up on the various walls, and although my back hurts, my legs hurt and my arms feel like I’ve been heavyweight boxing (oooooh nice pun J), I am so very proud of my little self for getting it all sorted so that I can finally sit down and get down to some serious blogging.

Have been trying to keep up with the Zimbabwe elections – as you may have gathered from my hurried few words I’ve sent in from my Blackberry.

I have been a little concerned about their plight after seeing what happened to us lot here in Kenya after what we all felt was an extremely peaceful election, and now look at the mess we are involved in, and I might add, are STILL in the process of fighting our way out of.

Although we have light our end, we are yet to be basking in its full warmth, like we felt we would be by now. Coalition governments are not all that bed of roses that Kofi Annan seemed to promise us all.

Kenya is still waiting to sort out that little problem that we call “The Cabinet” that is supposed to be running this place. Both sides seem to be blatting each others decisions on who, what, and even how, and all this nonsense that is being bandied about as to how many members this cabinet should have is becoming a bit of a joke, as once again, our marvellous elected ministers fight over which position they can have and how much of our money they can get for the title!

The latest news we have on that front is that “the cabinet shall be named on Sunday” – according to the latest Nation media update. Actually, it’s not the first ‘breaking news update’ we’ve had through in the past couple of weeks telling us that they are on the verge of naming the cabinet, so I’m not quite sure how seriously we should be taking this last bulletin.

As for the situation in Zimbabwe, I saw a brilliant interview on one of the international news channels, I forget which one, but it was a journalist interviewing one of Mugabe’s staunch supporters who is currently ‘Minister for the Totally Blind and Corrupt’ – or something like that – and he was arguing that all those reports coming out of Zimbabwe about Mugabe and the opposition leader Morgan Tsvangirai having talks were just a bunch of “April fool’s jokes” and “who says that just because the Zanu-PF party had perhaps lost the majority in parliament – it was according to this knowledgeable fellow – only by 96 to 93 seats so would have no bearing at all on the Presidential result !!

Also the most remarkable thing being reported about 3 of the parliamentary seats that have been won, is that the chaps with the winning votes had recently died.

So it seems not only do they have a bunch of phantom dead voters, even the candidates can be corpses too ! (Mind you, if you’ve ever watched the Parliamentary proceedings live from any country in the world, and watched them all sleeping, I’m sure it wouldn’t really make much difference if a few turned up in coffins.)

So my headline of April 1^st of “Will He? Won’t He?” still looks very current. Latest news on the All Africa website says “they are having talks”, and yet according to the incumbents “”It’s all a load of rubbish made up by colonialist Westerners trying to assert their influence on Africa.” So it still looks a lot like very much a ‘wait and see’ situation.

Personally I wouldn’t be surprised if they declare the Presidential result as less than a 50% majority on either side, have a run off with the two of them (which chances are Tsvangirai shall win hands down), but in the meantime Mugabe will have weaselled himself some kind of a deal where he can live out his days in a secluded life of luxury in Zimbabwe where those ‘colonialists’ won’t be able to take him to task for the incredibly suffering he has caused his people.

Whichever way it goes I do hope that Zimbabwe had learnt one thing from Kenya, suppression of the majority does not get you very far, and I also hope that if Uncle Bob has any slight semblance of decency left, it will be to succumb to the inevitable, sooner rather than later.

Will he? Won't he?

2008-04-01T22:37:00.000+03:00

Conflicting reports are coming out of Zimbabwe with rumours of talks taking place between the opposition and Mugabe's party about him stepping down.

Other reports say this is not true and is absolute rubbish.

What do you reckon. . . . .

"April Fools" . . ?

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Elections in Zim now tied . . . ?

2008-03-31T20:14:00.000+03:00

Funnily enough latest 'official' rather delayed figures show they're . . . Er . . . Neck and neck!

Ooooh . . . Don't suppose any Kenyans have a slight deja vu feeling right now?

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Update on Zim elections

2008-03-30T14:18:00.000+03:00

Word is that Morgan Tsvangarai from the opposition MDC party is claiming outright victory in the presidential, parliamentary and civic elections.

The official word is there will be no official word until tomorrow on the results.

It's so exciting for them. I do hope the opposition has won and this is not what happened here in Kenya where people jumped the gun and the 'official' results then caused an outbreak of chaos when they didn't correspond.

Zimbabwe is an amazing country and does not deserve the treatement it's currently getting.

I'm most definitely keeping my fingers crossed for them, if only to hope that they can show that democracy does have a place in Africa and that power hungry politicians should not be allowed to steal that from its people!

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Turns out our Electoral process has got nothing on Zimbabwe’s…

2008-03-29T15:48:00.002+03:00

This morning Zimbabwe goes to the polls and from Kenya, the land of successfully dodgy elections, I think we should be wishing all Zimbabweans jolly good luck.

Independent polls put the opposition in a landslide victory position but the only ‘genuine’ poll that has come out from the Zimbabwe’s government shows President Mugabe with a 57% lead.

Mmmmm, how convenient when he needs 50% to keep ruling the country.

This morning on the international news, Robert Mugabe was quoted as saying that he has “a sense of honesty”, and he would not be able to “sleep with his conscience” if he’d cheated on the elections, and why does he need to anyway seeing as the “people” are on his side!

Don’t suppose anyone’s got a spare prescription of sleeping pills they can send him?

But hey, who am I to judge his ideas on “Free and Fair Elections”. The fact that it is common knowledge that at least 50,000 dead people are on the electoral roll, those voters registered that may swing the oppositions way haven’t been told which polling station they have been registered at, television sets, generators and vehicles have been bought for various government officials in the past couple of weeks, oh, and rather a lot of people on the ‘correct side of the fence’ have had their salaries miraculously raised for the coming month. Surely none of this has anything at all to do with the voting process. Coincidence works in mysterious ways don’t you know?

Anyway just to make sure they do have a peaceful day, Mugabe has ensured that all polling stations are full of his own policemen, because heaven forbid the opposition supporters may cause any nonsense, like voting for anyone but the President himself, at least the police are in place to sort it out.

‘Independent’ observers have been brought in of course, but only from countries with which President Mugabe enjoys a spot of free trading. He’ll have none of those anti-Mugabe EU colonialist lot because they’re a totally uncontrollable bunch what with their “human rights” nonsense, and “stop starving the people who don’t vote for you” rubbish. I mean for goodness sake, why should he be feeding people who are against his regime? Let those ones fend for themselves!

I do hope he invited Kenya’s electoral commission down there for a spot of observing. I understand they are a very reliable bunch of fellows with cases of making sure the “right man” wins………

Oh, shame, sorry Mr Mugabe, we can’t help you out there, I understand we’ve got a spot of bother our end and they’re all under investigation in an international independent enquiry.

Oh well, at least there’ll be none of that twaddle for you Zimbabweans when the President wins. It’ll just be business as usual and all those colonialists and their mumbo jumbo rights concerns can get knotted.

Personally I think if I was a Zimbabwean I might just not bother getting out of bed today as chances are it’ll not be worth paying that 10 Million dollar bus fare to get yourself down the polling station.

But then again, miracles are known to have happened – even in Africa.

(Perhaps not in Kenya I may add, but still….)

So I shall sit here watching the news and wait for the official results – perhaps not with baited breath – but I shall await the results all the same, and perhaps keep my toes crossed that someone somewhere may have the audacity to help knock Robert Mugabe off his pedestal and beat him in these elections.

Our "Grand Coalition" government is at 'stalemate' ..

2008-03-27T15:31:00.007+03:00

Well after all the ‘how to lose some kilos’ advice I was offered, I thought I’d better get to it. Then in this last couple of days on the British news, there is a story that has really caught my eye.

There’s been lots of talk of this website called Miss Bimbo, which is aimed at 9 to 16 year old girls, in which they are told to buy their virtual characters breast enlargement surgery and to keep them “waif thin” with diet pills, and it really made me think ….

It’s not 9 to 16 year olds that should be worried about the kind of rubbish it promotes, such as who’s got the trendiest hair do, clothes and skinniest body (with or without plastic surgery), but it should be shut down and immediately relaunched as a 25+ years old only site and it’ll be an instant hit !

I mean you only need read the front page of the site;

Become the hottest, coolest most famous bimbo ever!
Become the most famous, beautiful, sought after bimbo across the globe!
• Find your own cool place to live.
• Find a fun job to pay for your needs and all the clothes a Bimbo could possibly want.
• Date that famous hottie you've had your eye on and show the Bimbo world the social starlet you are!
• Even resort to meds or plastic surgery. Stop at nothing to become the reigning bimbo!

I’ll join up, get myself some diet pills, plastic surgery and some designer clothes and I’ll be all set to reface you bloggers out there as I resurface as Miss Bimbo Chick 2008, and I know you’ll all be dead impressed !

...... Then I took a look at our own headlines this morning;

"Parties want Annan to resolve stalemate"
“PNU and ODM blame each other after deadlock over how to share key posts”, and
“MP’s take a 3 week break” from Parliament - the "big house with no business to transact”,

and it got me thinking ……..

We could start an internet game here just for all our Kenyan Members of Parliament to give them something useful to do whilst they take yet another break, and it could perhaps stop their bickering and renewed threats of mass action. They could earn ‘power points’ instead of ‘bimbo attitude points’. They could even earn themselves cash, but only by completing different challenges online, and then they could be granted different ministries as per their outcomes of the various challenges.

Normal everyday people such as ourselves would think up the challenges and WE would decide WHO deserves each ministry – whether from the PNU or the ODM camp, it would be OUR choice!

You could have the solving of security problems challenge where you could resettle all the IDP’s safely back into their own homes without any further tribalism around to drive them out again, and if you won the challenge you could be awarded the MINISTRY OF INTERNAL SECURITY.

If you rebuilt streets that were totalled during the troubles such as those in Kisumu, you could perhaps garner yourself the MINISTRY OF HOUSING & DEVELOPMENT, and if you could persuade all foreign embassies to remove their travel warnings and accept you as an ‘honest type’, you could perhaps win yourself the MINISTRY OF FOREIGN AFFAIRS……
(Then again, it may be tricky for any one of our 200+ MP’s to win that challenge, I’m not sure ‘honesty’ is quite up their street.)

The MINISTRY OF EDUCATION will only be got by putting in some decent plans for free education that don’t relate to the nonsense of “building funds”, but actually genuinely give free schooling. Then the MINISTRY OF LOCAL GOVERNMENT would be given to someone who can actually prove that a plan of keeping the matatu’s out of the city centre and giving the contract of shuttle services to a few ‘friendly’ companies (and NOT ‘at a price’) will actually help the traffic congestion and will not just be a way to make an extra buck on the side and meanwhile heaping yet more costs onto the common wanainchi.

They could earn themselves Mercedes, security details, take away girlfriends and even extra salaries but instead of all this coming out of our hard earned taxes, it could be all virtual cash and controlled by virtual bankers (– such as me of course who will take up the MINISTRY OF FINANCE), who shall allow only necessary provisions for drawings of real cash by paying ALL MP’s bills direct.

Although all ‘virtual’ and ‘online’, these MP’s would be earning themselves a ton, have Mercs stashed at each of their various residences, and a ‘sweetie’ housed in the Penthouse suite at the Nairobi Safari Club.

All this will do their street credibility wonders, the real cash would still lie in the Central Bank coffers and would not actually be spent on these Members of Parliament and their fictitious expenses, but could be finally used properly on real projects that would have been thought up originally as challenges on line with proper input coming from real Kenyans living real lives and not those living in their posh mansions surrounded by cotton wool and not having a real clue as to what the rest of Kenya is actually going through.

I reckon this game has the potential to most definitely sort the men from the boys (or the women from the girls for that matter), and get our country finally back on the right track!

And if, by the way there was a problem with the adjudication of the whole event, (we’d be sure not to have the ECK involved in any online tallying!), there wouldn’t be calls of mass action but instead online internet hours would be limited to the side seen as not behaving themselves! That way, our MPs would need to complete their challenges more competently in less time, therefore actually making use of their brains for once perhaps for something more useful than finding out which clothes to pack for their next ‘retreat’.

Excellent plan don’t you think?

I think we should go ahead with it immediately.

We’ll call it whowantstobeaminister.co.ke

Right, first things first;
“Hands up, Who wants to be President??”

Kenya Today . .

2008-03-25T10:16:00.000+03:00

As usual our government has its priorities skewed . . .

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Who needs enemies ……?

2008-03-23T19:12:00.004+03:00

Well yesterday I decided it was about that time in the year when I should remove my lardy arse from its dent that its settled into in the sofa and get it out there and back onto a horse seeing as I haven’t actually sat on one for over a month and polo season will be once more upon us in a few weeks time.

So off I went down to the stables feeling all self righteous that I had at last decided to get some exercise in and what greeted me – but streams of abuse!!

First of all I was asked the usual “Habari ya kupotea?” which literally translates as “How are you since you’ve been lost?” – and is obviously a polite version of “Where the bloody hell have you been?”

Anyway of course I replied with the usual excuses,

“I’ve been so busy at work” – Pathetic

“I’ve been away” – Lies

And what I should have said; “Actually I’m just a lazy git” – which of course would have been the ultimate truth but being the oh so pathetic girl that I am – best not mention the truth, but flower it with poor excuses and white lies!

Well there was nothing like poor excuses and white lies in return when I got on those horses let me tell you.

First of all – I realised they’d grown in the last few weeks (although of course they’re not supposed to do that at their age, they most definitely have), as I found it rather a long way up to raise my leg to get it in those stirrups let me tell you. In fact I haven’t had my leg up that high in months!!

Then off I toddled onto the ground, stick in hand to whack a few balls. Well there’s another thing that’s obviously changed in the last few months – the bloody ball has shrunk – I’m sure they thought I wanted a game of ping pong and had brought me something that seemed golf ball sized from all the way up there on top of the horse and my judgement was a little off shall we say!

Anyway after a few hits it seems my eyes adjusted to the size of the ball and it grew with every stroke back to the normal size of a polo ball which was great. My horses however were another story as, after their time off eating lots and doing little exercise, they have all turned it into 'Trojan horse' and proceeded to tow me from one end of the ground to the other!

The whole affair caused great hilarity amongst the syces (grooms to those of you not from these parts), and they all sat on the sidelines in hysterics.

When I finally made it back to the sideline myself, red faced and puffing and gracefully exited my horse by swinging my leg gracefully over the back of the saddle, and promptly collapsing into a heap on the floor, the syces were full of advice.

The smallest of them started it off – obviously it was a case of ‘smallest first and if he gets damned then the rest of us can keep our mouths shut’, so the small fellow says to me;

“That horse has a lot of energy doesn’t it?”

Er – understatement of the year, and he continues,

“You know, perhaps you should go home and do some press ups and then you might be able to stop him.”

– Oh Ok, thanks fellow, that’s fab – perhaps I could have done that spot of advice a little earlier before the horse ripped my shoulder out of its socket, but hey thanks, nice one….

Then the second bravest syce pipes up;

“Perhaps if you went for a run you might have a bit more energy.”

– Er, yea, right, ok, ....

But no they hadn’t quite finished with me yet, and the third guy takes his turn;

“Yes, and if you lost some few kilos of weight, the horse might become a little speedier too!!”

Well, bloody thanks a lot. So to sum it up I’m a fat git who should be doing a few press ups and running to the stables so that I give the horses backs a bit of a break, and to stop the excessive hilarity I seem to be causing in the pony lines ..........

Actually, I laughed so loud, and it made me realise. If a friend had said any of those things to me I’d have been mortified and probably told them to “Bugger Off” – in of course my bestest English mind! But for these guys, they haven’t said all those words to hurt my feelings, but they are just being brutally honest, and really that’s how we all should be, and for that I think they’re all fab.

I’m telling you, if you want a 100% honest opinion on whether your bum looks big in that – ask one of the syces, because I can assure you, they will tell you how it is, not what you want to hear perhaps, but the candid facts.

Damn, I should have popped down those stables long ago. I needed the wake up call of the fact that I’m a fat lazy git because unless someone gives it to me straight, my mind is a fabulous thing and can hide the good old honest truth from me for weeks with that thing going on in my head with the angelic part and the devil part and I’ll just hear what I want to hear!

My internal head conversations generally go something like;

Little Devil: “Christ Woman, look at the bleeding size of you, you fat git. Get off your backside and stop eating for goodness sake”

Little Angel: “Gosh, the big wardrobe* seems to be getting a little tight, I must look into changing our washing powder as this variety seems to shrink everything. Another chocolate biscuit anyone?”

*Just a quick note on ‘the big wardrobe’. It’s a phenomenon that occurs amongst most women that verifies the need for double the wardrobe space of any man, and it’s that we have ‘fat clothes’ and ‘thin clothes’. The thin clothes are for when you’re feeling thin, fit and fabulous and the fat clothes are for when you’re feeling bloated, irritable and downright bloody moody quite frankly. In my house the thin clothes haven’t had much of an outing recently, and even the fat ones are getting decidedly tight which means best I do exactly what the syces told me and stop eating crap, do some press ups and go for a run, because I cannot possibly justify, or for that matter afford, an even larger fat wardrobe right now just through the effects of my extreme laziness.

… Hmmmm,

“Chuck us those crisps will you, there’s a doll.”!!

Happy Fluffy Bunny & Chocolate Day ......

2008-03-21T11:52:00.007+03:00

Can you believe I'm in the office all alone working on some project or other that has to be redone 35 million times before it 'sounds right' - I mean for goodness sake, I've been told all the information is there and correct but "it is more the way it is presented".... anal bunch of b..... Ooooooooh, sorry about that, got myself all worked up there for a second.

(And for anyone out there who knows me, you'll know that the way this project is about to be presented (if I am made to redo it a FOURTH time), is slapped around the chops let me tell you ...)

Meanwhile I have a smashing bunch of workmen in the room next door smashing a dirty great hole through the outside wall into the next door building. (Damn people obviously missed out on the 'TAKE EASTER WEEKEND OFF' memo - even though my entire office staff seemed to have conveniently slotted that memo into front page memory and are absolutely nowhere to be found - sensible lot!)

I of course, am sitting here peering through the dust with my head pounding and my heart jealous that everyone else in on their 'hols', so I've switched the volume up full blast on my computer and am singing along to this .......

Join me and Have a Jolly Fab Easter and may I wish you lots of chocolate bunnys and eggs and other yummy things ........

Just checking if I'm actually sane .....

2008-03-19T17:11:00.007+03:00

Driving along in the car this afternoon i noticed this lovely creeper hanging over the wall of one of the houses I passed on my way to the school to pick up my son.

Sorry about the slightly fuzzy picture but I was driving remember and this is taken with my phone, but this is the creeper I spotted with its gorgeous orange flowers ....

(NOTE TO SELF - Try and keep the eyes on the road whilst driving - saves money as you tend not to hit so many cars in front of you in the backside if you're actually looking in a forward direction.)

Anyway - sorry to divert there for a second but I just realised that I remember something about that in the highway code - something about keeping your eyes on the road ahead rather than watching the passers by on the pavement and admiring passing architecture, as this tends to lead to the increase in road accident statistics - which believe me in this country - need NO encouragement.

But, as I was saying, i noticed this very pretty creeper with bright orange flowers on the side of the road, and I had one of those 'flashback' moments to my childhood that brought a smile to my face, and that was - the taste of those pretty orange flowers!!

I remember vividly fighting with other kids over those flowers at boarding school as we never got any sweet things and we always seemed to have sugar cravings - and those bright orange flowers are 'honeysuckles'. If you take out the middle of the flower (it'll probably be the stamen I should imagine - not entirely sure though as I think I might have nodded off in that part of biology lesson - the excitement of the different parts of flowers I always found totally overwhelming), but if you take that middley bit out and suck on it it is jolly jolly sweet and yummy, and then that got me thinking......

I haven't eaten any grass recently.....

No, stop right there, NOT that wacky backy type of grass, but the good old plain green stuff that horses, cows and other animals tend to snack upon, you know like this stuff ......

Anyway you see that light green bit of grass that I've so brilliantly taken a photo of (- its the fuzzy, out of focus bit, in case you're not sure what I'm on about), well that bit of the grass is really juicy and sweet and yummy too.

And then that really got me thinking,

"Christ alive, do you think they didn't actually feed us in boarding school or do you think I'm just slightly insane?"

Mmmmm, I think I'll leave you to decide that one ..................

New Kenya begins . .

2008-03-18T21:16:00.000+03:00

Parliament has just broken up and has passed the bills to set Kenya's first coalition government.

Deep breath in, big sigh of relief, and let's get on with it . . .

Bring it on !

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This is my Monday .....

2008-03-17T14:54:00.003+03:00

Arrrghh ..............

......... I do hope you're faring better !

MP’s Stashing Cash

2008-03-15T18:35:00.004+03:00

I just read this post by a fab friend over at Sukuma Kenya about our MP’s latest “lets feed ourselves first scheme”, which is about ‘the plans of treasury to siphon off billions of shillings out of public coffers into the MP’s retirement kitty.’

Surely, this has come as no surprise to any of us. I mean, ultimately, why do any of these people vie for a seat in parliament anyway ….

“Er, cash of course …. What else is there ?”

“Sorry, helping the country and its people, are you kidding?”

“Don’t be ridiculous now. Those promises of help are just words spoken on campaign trails in order to get elected. Surely, you don’t actually expect me to seriously achieve any of them, do you?”

“Ohhhhh, You Do?”

“Ah, interesting point, I’ll have to have an all expenses trip to the coast with all my other overpaid friends to consult on that one.”

"I'll get back to you............."

All these people take whopping bank loans in order to finance their ‘campaigning’ (– or paying of the people to vote for you.) They know full well that they will be able to pay the money back extremely quickly once they're elected and once they’ve worked out which approved local project that they promised they can siphon the cash off from.

Towards the end of the last parliament when the MP’s panicked on realising they may just be on their way out the door, they rushed themselves through a bill approving each of them a cool 5Million shilling (around US$75,000), handshake on retirement.

It was the one day in the entire 5 years of that parliament sitting that attendance was over 90%! Mmmmm, Funny that!

Now we have a new bunch of fresh faces sitting in the house, it has dawned on them that many of the ‘old faces’ were voted out and the chances are (seeing as most of them are totally unqualified, inexperienced and incompetent to hold such positions in government anyway), they too will be voted out 5 years from now.

So, first things first.

'Best get our retirement fund organized and then we can get on with the trivial thing of running the country.'

'You know siphoning off cash isn’t so easy these days with all those ‘transparency’ chaps looking over your shoulder, and you never know the day they may finally actually catch up with you.'

Rumour has it, that interviews for the vacant post of Executive Director for the Kenya Chapter of Transparency International are currently being conducted and that doesn’t bode well if you’re newly elected and not quite au fait with how to tap as much cash as possible off every project you’re involved in.

Once these MP’s have spent 5 years earning their 800 thousand shillings + (around $12,000 +) per month, you know there’s always going to be that small problem of then being able to sustain themselves in the manner to which they have become accustomed, and you surely can’t expect them to ever accept to being everyday wanainchi like the rest of us ever again.

Face it, they’re now someone don’t you know, and by the way ….

“WHO ARE YOU?”

A change of profession perhaps ....

2008-03-13T19:29:00.008+03:00

As I sit here at home basking in the glory of our 'New Kenya', the power in my house is flashing on and off, on and off at regular 3 second intervals.

Mmmm, so this is what we have to look forward to.

Oh, Goody!

I have had to switch all electrics off and most of the lights and the few that remain on... and off ... on .. and off ... on - you get the point - are driving me a little insane. It's like being at a 70's disco with an incredibly dull tune playing so the strobes are in 'bored' mode.

Actually after yesterday's little episode of your man in the states, the marvellous governor Eliot Spitzer, aka "Client 9", allegedly paying thousands of dollars to some "'petite brunette' only known as 'Kristen'", for 'services rendered' we assume, I'm thinking of changing the light bulb on my verandah to a red one to see if I too could perhaps get lucky and have some sad politician pay me tons of cash so that I can also become rich and famous and give up the day job! Seeing as the damn lights won't stop flashing, I might as well put them to good use wouldn't you say.

Latest news from cnn.com

The governor's gal

When the Emperors Club VIP said it was sending Kristen, a call girl described as a "petite, very pretty brunette," Client 9 was pleased. "Great, OK, wonderful," he said, according to an affidavit. Client 9, later revealed to be New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer, was caught arranging the liaison on a federal wiretap. It was the beginning of the end for him.

Also you'll be jolly pleased to know that our 'Prime Minister Designate' was assigned 120 security guards today to watch over his every move 24 hours a day. They have apparently all undergone 'day and night two week intensive training', including 'crash courses on how to jump in to moving cars, where to position themselves in public places and how to walk with the VIP they would be protecting.'

""You will not see any member of the PM escort jumping out of a moving car like a tout. They will all be professional", added the senior police officer."

So you see, if I practise my moves for jumping in and out of moving vehicles without taking off into the car park at high speed, avoiding tripping over the curb and not diving head first back into the moving Merc - I should be in with a damn good chance of a position there perhaps - and especially as the lucky buggers were all given a whole 10,000 Kenya Shillings each (the equivalent of a measly US$150 ish) to kit themselves out in new suits, ties and collared shirts, I'm sure some second hand mitumba clothes sales market did some stonking trade this afternoon as with that kind of cash they surely wouldn't be shopping in 'real' shops with new clothes on sale!

So there's yet another opportunity for me - second hand clothes sales down the market.

Mr Kenyatta, the Minister for Local Government, I hear has been an absolute honey and put the daily rental down to 50/- a day for a stall at the smashing new multi-million shilling Muthurwa Hawker’s Market that no one has any intention of occupying it seems, (even though it is only 25/- at all other City Council run trader markets). Then of course you need to get past the 'Mungiki' (a gang of self styled thugs that are trying to run the show by their own rules and also need to be paid 'a small fee'), to get yourselves a slot, and of course actually find some customers as most of them are still hanging out in the Central Business District and won't go near the market for fear of their own personal security.

Well, Well, How lucky am I?

It seems the 'New Kenya' is our oyster.

- that is of course if I don't go completely deranged before morning with these flashing lights surrounding me doing my head in!

Christ Alive, Where's the 'Hedex Extra Strength' when you need it?

Scandal – Kenya vs USA

2008-03-11T18:46:00.004+03:00

Breaking news on CNN this morning when I woke up was;

“Sex Scandal Threatens Key Democrat”.

“New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, a key backer of Hilary Clinton, who rose to prominence by rooting out corruption, was facing calls to resign Tuesday over allegations that he paid thousands of dollars to a prostitute.”

Here in Kenya “Political Gossip” from one of our local dailies went like this;

“An MP from Western Province was held briefly Friday night when he was soliciting for sex. Police pounced on the MP at a parking lot with a half naked girl. The girl admitted the MP was just sampling the goods before they reached an agreement on the price. The policemen held the MP for one hour before they released him after he paid a substantial amount of money.”

Hmmmm, spot the difference and similarities between the stories.

For similarities, I have;

1. Turns out all men of power have to buy sex in order to get any at all!

2. Corruption is most definitely everywhere, no matter what the 'good guys' say.

3. You will eventually be caught out.

4. When you do happen to get caught, do what you can to get out of it smelling of roses.

... and the only difference I can see is that in Kenya no one really gives a damn for a small scandal anyhow, as 'Who are you?' unless you have a spot of 'take-away' going on somewhere, and if that means buying it, and then buying the silence of the cops so they don't let onto your wife - so be it!

If, the press gets hold of the story, it's not really an issue, you can just go with -

"You know you cannot believe a thing these journos write dahling,

they cannot tell one MP from another.

They are all just tribalists !"

The only thing I do advise to the Governor in the States is, perhaps he should have also done a little ‘sampling’ before parting with his cash ! Apparantly, that's the done thing to do :-)

Apparently It's all about golf ............

2008-03-10T20:43:00.009+03:00

Yesterday was the final day of the 'Tusker Kenya Open Golf Championship', the only gold tournament we have here yearly that is on the international circuit - so quite the big deal for us.

Anyway, it was a rather 'honourable' affair with both Messer’s Kibaki and Odinga showing up to follow the final holes and how jolly cordial it was too (although I’m not sure why anyone couldn’t have provided them both with a peaked cap or a pair of shades?!)

We all know Kibaki is rather fond of the game and apparently some other Kenyans got quite into another type of golf over the past few weeks - although not with the correct etiquette that is expected of golfers generally the world over.

It seems Raila has decided that now he is 'Prime Minister Designate' - perhaps it’s about time he learnt a thing or too about the 'gentlemen's sport'. - Probably because he's just been told that the meaning of the word, (GOLF - Gentlemen only, ladies forbidden), and he's thought it a brilliant plan to get away from his wife for the afternoon. It would certainly explain a lot as to why Kibaki's such a fanatic about the game .......

After the tournament was over Kibaki and Raila both sat together and both gave a small speech. Kibaki started and read from cards as usual and talked of peace and reconciliation, and he didn’t stumble too badly over it which was a bonus (perhaps because the word ‘ethnicity’ was kept out of it for the international audience). Then Raila followed with an amusing tale comparing Kenya to the game of golf and how they took their eye off the ball, landed in the bunker and it has taken the pair of them to get it out ‘using the right club’!

Personally I think he should have used a quote from Robert Lynd ~ It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place this world is when one is playing golf.

The killings here in Kenya haven't gone away and continue sporadically. Just over the last few days at least 10 people have lost their lives. In Laikipia district they say it is all about cattle rustling and in the Burnt Forest area it is still an unsolved land issue, so as the politicians get friendly and have a lovely day out, Kenyans are still practising their pyromaniac skills and houses are burning and lives being lost, and as much as we are discouraged from using the taboo ‘tribal’ word, I do wish someone would talk me through the fact that even the parliamentarians are now on a mission about getting ‘one of their own people’ into the more powerful ministries.

However, one thing that I do personally think is positive is perhaps now that we have one Kikuyu and one Luo at the top end in positions of extreme supremacy, perhaps the untrustworthiness between the tribes may actually turn to benefit Kenyans as surely they will be watching each other very closely to make sure the right thing is seen to be done.

Food for Thought for International Women's Day

2008-03-09T07:39:00.007+03:00

Yesterday was International Women's Day and so therefore today my post is dedicated to the woman's struggle and the nonsense that we ladies have to put up with because we are, well women!

I think this is really quite a vital subject that relates to the woman's form and that I really felt worth covering today of all days as it is of course a truly international issue, and that is the subject of name badges.

Now did you know that according to independent research, companies whose employees wear name badges are perceived by the public as more friendly, helpful and professional - and employees themselves say their name badges help promote a sense of pride and improve customer care.

“Marvellous”, you say, but can I tell you that yesterday at lunch I observed something quite disturbing that I felt needs much more research with regards to employees and their name badges.

Have you noticed that waitresses tend to attach their name badges to their shirt on the left hand side pocket, and in absence of a pocket – then on the part of the shirt where one would expect to find the pocket perhaps. This is fine for those less well endowed ladies but for those with a little more going in the fun bag department, this does mean of course perching this name badge in an extremely prominent place basically slap bang in the middle of their left tit.

Now you may think that this is all very well and dandy, but there is one major problem here. What I observed is that in customers who are perhaps a little more elderly than the average, they seem not to be quick enough to catch the name on the badge in the usual polite cursory glance, and therefore tend to enquire of said waiting staff their title, and what happens next is really quite startling!

Instead of the waitress just answering “Betty”, “Faith”, or whatever else her name may be, it seems the done thing is to thrust said badge at the questioning person, which means of course thrusting one’s left breast straight into the sight line of probing old bloke!

Now this is all very well to give said old chap an eyeful but what on earth will it do to his heart, or for that matter his digestive system right before he’s about to order his lunch?

But here’s the thing – if these waitresses don’t wear their badge on their left boob, then where on earth else is there to wear it which could be deemed relatively ‘safe’?

I mean, right bosom has obviously the same drawback as the left and so that’s no good, middle of the shirt is even less secure as it would mean thrusting entire cleavage. Wearing the badge any lower down the shirt is blatantly uncouth as making eye contact with ladies you don’t know somewhere around waist level or below is certainly not well-mannered, and so therefore the only alternative I can see is by sticking the badge on their forehead, but I don’t quite see that doing the waitresses self-esteem much good and you might as well stick a dunce cap on their head.

So you see, research is most definitely lacking in this sector, and I really feel it’s my ethical duty to do something about this. I think I shall write a 100+ page proposal (they love a lot of paper these chaps), that I shall distribute about all the NGO’s in these parts in order for someone to give me some funding so that I can continue with this investigation.

I mean certainly this debate relates to public health and women's rights, (both of which I’ve found is a great thing if you’re looking for a spot of donor money), and it is most definitely a deserving cause wouldn’t you think.

Also, at the end of the day, they’d surely rather give me money than wasting it on giving it out to some clandestine government project so that all those politicians can waste it on their fancy houses, four wheel drives and bodyguards who haven’t yet learnt how to get out of a car properly.

All seems very friendly !

2008-03-07T09:46:00.001+03:00

Well, yesterday Parliament was finally opened with some extra pomp and flair and what a jolly friendly affair it turned out to be.

Kibaki arrived in his usual style with red carpets and a jolly long motorcade with roads blocked and traffic tailed back out into the suburbs. Even Raila arrived in a much more dignified manner in his Lexus with the goons in the Navy Mercedes way behind so no chance of them showing him up again!

There was lots of hugging, 'opposition' MP's finally sat together, and there seemed to be a lot of laughter. There was some scheming of course - but that can't be helped I'm sure (- I mean you can only be elected to parliament if you can prove you're totally two faced - I think that's a prerequistite), and of course there was some unofficial closing of the eyes and nodding of the heads as the regulars dropped off to sleep.

Kibaki's speech was all about peace and reconciliation - but the words were written by someone somewhere knowing the International Press would be watching Kibaki yesterday, as the English language used in his speech had lots of jolly big words that Kibaki stammered over (much to the amusement of the Parliament), and at the end of the day - it all sounded like an insincere load of crap actually.

But anyway, we have to hope that whatever the words said, what he meant was "We shall work as a team and put Kenya back onto its feet."

Lucy Kibaki was suspiciously missing from the grand occasion. The official press report says she is at home recovering from an unspecified illness, rumours in the press say she doesn't like Raila's wife and therefore refused to appear and share pleasantries with the women. Personally I think that after the shenanigans of the past couple of months and all the court cases that are now pending against her, I should think our dear President has had quite enough of giving out goats and has had her locked up in a padded room and thrown away the key!!

Anyway today I shall have faith in my country and its new beginnings and shall block the past from my mind ..........
for the next one hour anyway just so that I can relax and have a coffee and think happy thoughts.........
THEN, I shall be back on the warpath. (I hear there's some serious accusations on the BBC about our politicians that I must get round to reading and ripping into.)

Do have a jolly good day yourselves too thinking happy thoughts because its FURIHDAY, thoughts are free and kidding ourselves that life is perfect is a fun thing to do once in a while. It costs nothing and seems to flush out the cobwebs.

As my son told me this morning as I crawled out of my bed with a pounding headache and after no sleep at all as an alarm had been going off continuously all night right outside my bedroom window, save for the couple of minutes every few hours when the guard tried to reset the damn thing, and it stopped briefly;

"Well Mum, at least you had 120 seconds of quiet sometime in the night!"
- He's right, I should be thankful.

Raila's new security detail ....

2008-03-05T13:26:00.007+03:00

This was an article in one of our newspapers this morning, which detailed Raila's new found status as "Might be PM if it goes through Parliament Thursday", and his upgraded security detail, and apart from making me think;
"Oh Goody, yet another way for you people to waste my hard earned cash",
it reminded me of the most spectacular performance that I saw last night on the news.

"Raila gets taste of power"

".. the feel of power is already there, with the hawk-eyed security officers drawn from the Recce Unit of the General Service Unit, ".." who dangled from their chase cars in the typical antics they perform when the President arrives for functions."

Well can I tell you, "dangled" was the operative word.

Obviously being new to the power of having '25' Mercedes and '90' highly armed personnel in posh suits following him about, Raila didn't quite carry the whole arrival thing off as slickly as he perhaps should have.

On the news, they showed a video of the arrival of both Kibaki and Raila at Harambee House for their meeting yesterday with the 'full security detail'.

It starts off with Kibaki's motorcade.

First Merc slows down and as it comes to a stop two chaps hop out of the back and then rush back down the line of Mercs and open the door for Kibaki.

Then Raila's turn.

The motorcade appears, navy blue Merc in front as Kibaki's but before the driver has a chance to slow down the back doors fly open and two fellows jump out of the back before the car comes to a standstill. One ends up running off into the car park as he can't stop and the other one nearly falls on his face on the pavement.

I laughed so hard!

I think they forgot to tell the new security detail that those jokers who hang out of the car doors when they are arriving somewhere, do actually wait for it to almost come to a standstill before they hit the ground running !!

Then when Raila was leaving we got a similar cartoon ......

You see that fellow on the left of this picture. Well he misjudged his timing in the whole performance a little.

As the two goons on either side of the Merc jumped into the back seats, the whole motorcade sped up, and the fellow on the left nearly got left behind and had to dive head first into the front seat. It was priceless.

I think they must have missed their lessons in how to get into and out of a moving car without looking completely foolish !!

- Never mind, perhaps if they're lucky and ask nicely, Najib Balala (from the 'Pentagon' team who rode to the venue with Raila), will give them a few tips as I must say I did notice how well he hopped out of the back of the Lexus !!

............ Probably because he waited for it to STOP - You never know!

I think GADO read my mind !

2008-03-04T09:11:00.003+03:00

This is the cartoon by 'Gado' in The Daily Nation this morning.
It sums up what worries me rather a lot.
Is this really the 'change' we were expecting?,
and is it the change that we really wanted?
- Shared parliaments, no opposition, and more ministries created to satisfy the power hungry and share the wealth amongst the elected big wigs?
What happened to the average Kenyan who was promised a new life if he cast his vote appropriately?

I do hope to god that it all works out.

I do suppose we have no choice but to stick with George Michael;

"'Cause I gotta have faith ........... !"

- I would have like to have given you a bit of hip swinging as well to go with the song, but you'll have to forgive me as I'm afraid I'm a little creaky this morning after overdoing it at last weeks celebratory dancing session !

Kofi Annan finally gets to go home

2008-03-02T17:22:00.007+03:00

Well Mr Annan finally left us this morning. I bet Mr Kibaki is mightily relieved to see the back of him as he’ll probably feel that he won’t get harassed into anymore giving way now.

Kofi got waved off by a pile of dignitaries, a lot of farewell singing and a Civil servant who gave him a white cockerel, “a gift he said represented ordinary poor Kenyans who suffered most during the nearly two months of violence sparked by last year's disputed presidential elections results.”

Well, I wonder what Kenya Airways will say about that little number packed in his luggage! Lets hope it wasn’t an overnight flight or the pilot’s going to get an awful shock when he’s about to land at his next destination and the cockerel starts crowing. He’ll probably think it’s a warning signal that one of the engines is shutting down! Anyway, I suppose if it doesn’t survive the plane journey they’ll always be a chance of fresh chicken and chips at the other end, so there’s a bonus for the man!

I bet he was really glad he came now and spent over one month of his life listening to grown men and women bickering whilst people were slaughtered around their feet, because at least, after the one and a half months away from home, he’s got something to show for all his hard work.

Personally I feel a little bit frightened, a bit like a small child who’s been left alone for the first time without their parents and isn’t quite sure what might happen next, but has no choice but to keep faith with their surroundings and hope that everything will turn out just fine, exactly like their parents assured them it would.

The talks will continue under the leadership of a Nigerian former minister Oluyemi Adeniji who is to take over from Mr Annan as chairman of negotiations between PNU and ODM, but in theory this is to now handle the small print, but you know what they say; “Always be careful of the small print and make sure you read it VERY carefully”.

Anyway let’s hope that they don’t argue too much over it and it all stays friendly.

I’m sorry I don’t have a prize winning cockerel to give to Mr Annan to show my appreciation for what he has done for us but I do hope he can accept my thanks anyway. Ta Ta ...

Thank You !