And we’re worried about politics ….

Here in Kenya, our fabulous coalition government couldn’t get through yet another day without arguing. This time it was about protocol, the PM got to speak before the VP, suggesting apparently, that the VP is therefore more senior than the PM. The President, it seemed, couldn’t have really cared less who spoke when, how, and about what, and had a jolly old time testing out his own incredible speech skills when it was his turn, with the best part of it all being played repeatedly on every news slot available.

It went something like this;

“You See, You See, You Sssseeeeee!”

Actually I didn’t see it at all, and it took me three times of watching the news byte to get what he was on about which was evidently all about being “One Kenya, One People”. Nice thought Mr Kibaki, I like it a lot, but I’m afraid I still don’t quite see it.

Down in Zimbabwe, Uncle Bob seems to have succeeded in having the entire world turn against him – Oh, apart from Thabo Mbeki of course, who obviously has some sort of strange deal going on with the man. I wouldn’t be surprised if it went something like;

MUGABE : “Listen Tabs, stick with me and once we’re through this small hiccup and they’ve all calmed down about the beatings and starvation, I’ll change the law so that I’m President for life and then we’ll put South Africa and Zimbabwe together, kick out all your white farmers and take over the world!”

THABO MBEKI : “Mmmm, yeah, good one Bob. I mean what the hell does the rest of the world know anyway. They think HIV causes AIDS and everything. Come on now. All those Western fellows thinking they have the upper hand on us Africans eh. We’ll show them!”

But meanwhile across in the Congo, they have much larger troubles to deal with
- or not - as the case may be.

Lynchings in Congo as penis theft panic hits capital

Police in Congo have arrested 13 suspected sorcerers accused of using black magic to steal or shrink men's penises after a wave of panic and attempted lynchings triggered by the alleged witchcraft.

Rumours of penis theft began circulating last week in Kinshasa, Democratic Republic of Congo's sprawling capital of some 8 million inhabitants. They quickly dominated radio call-in shows, with listeners advised to beware of fellow passengers in communal taxis wearing gold rings.

Well surely now, all you blokes out there should be panicking for those sorcerers are known for flying about and the Congo’s not too far from here I’ll have you know.

Clearly you ought to be scouring the matatus and Citi Hoppers for all those wearing gold rings. I mean you don’t want some sorcerer nipping off with your willy now when you’re not looking.

For goodness sake, Mugabe may be a dictator, Mbeki a complete wimp, and all the Kenyan leaders collectively a bunch of money grabbers who can’t sort out the IDP mess, but what does any of that matter when here right under our very noses we have much more crucial problems.

All the women are laughing shamelessly at all the men, and undoubtedly all the men's main source of concern right now is;

- “Where have all the willys gone”

….. Ooooh I feel a song coming on !

A change of profession perhaps ....

As I sit here at home basking in the glory of our 'New Kenya', the power in my house is flashing on and off, on and off at regular 3 second intervals.

Mmmm, so this is what we have to look forward to.

Oh, Goody!

I have had to switch all electrics off and most of the lights and the few that remain on... and off ... on .. and off ... on - you get the point - are driving me a little insane. It's like being at a 70's disco with an incredibly dull tune playing so the strobes are in 'bored' mode.

Actually after yesterday's little episode of your man in the states, the marvellous governor Eliot Spitzer, aka "Client 9", allegedly paying thousands of dollars to some "'petite brunette' only known as 'Kristen'", for 'services rendered' we assume, I'm thinking of changing the light bulb on my verandah to a red one to see if I too could perhaps get lucky and have some sad politician pay me tons of cash so that I can also become rich and famous and give up the day job! Seeing as the damn lights won't stop flashing, I might as well put them to good use wouldn't you say.

Latest news from cnn.com

The governor's gal

When the Emperors Club VIP said it was sending Kristen, a call girl described as a "petite, very pretty brunette," Client 9 was pleased. "Great, OK, wonderful," he said, according to an affidavit. Client 9, later revealed to be New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer, was caught arranging the liaison on a federal wiretap. It was the beginning of the end for him.

Also you'll be jolly pleased to know that our 'Prime Minister Designate' was assigned 120 security guards today to watch over his every move 24 hours a day. They have apparently all undergone 'day and night two week intensive training', including 'crash courses on how to jump in to moving cars, where to position themselves in public places and how to walk with the VIP they would be protecting.'

""You will not see any member of the PM escort jumping out of a moving car like a tout. They will all be professional", added the senior police officer."

So you see, if I practise my moves for jumping in and out of moving vehicles without taking off into the car park at high speed, avoiding tripping over the curb and not diving head first back into the moving Merc - I should be in with a damn good chance of a position there perhaps - and especially as the lucky buggers were all given a whole 10,000 Kenya Shillings each (the equivalent of a measly US$150 ish) to kit themselves out in new suits, ties and collared shirts, I'm sure some second hand mitumba clothes sales market did some stonking trade this afternoon as with that kind of cash they surely wouldn't be shopping in 'real' shops with new clothes on sale!

So there's yet another opportunity for me - second hand clothes sales down the market.

Mr Kenyatta, the Minister for Local Government, I hear has been an absolute honey and put the daily rental down to 50/- a day for a stall at the smashing new multi-million shilling Muthurwa Hawker’s Market that no one has any intention of occupying it seems, (even though it is only 25/- at all other City Council run trader markets). Then of course you need to get past the 'Mungiki' (a gang of self styled thugs that are trying to run the show by their own rules and also need to be paid 'a small fee'), to get yourselves a slot, and of course actually find some customers as most of them are still hanging out in the Central Business District and won't go near the market for fear of their own personal security.

Well, Well, How lucky am I?

It seems the 'New Kenya' is our oyster.

- that is of course if I don't go completely deranged before morning with these flashing lights surrounding me doing my head in!

Christ Alive, Where's the 'Hedex Extra Strength' when you need it?