Friday, April 25, 2008

And we’re worried about politics ….

Here in Kenya, our fabulous coalition government couldn’t get through yet another day without arguing. This time it was about protocol, the PM got to speak before the VP, suggesting apparently, that the VP is therefore more senior than the PM. The President, it seemed, couldn’t have really cared less who spoke when, how, and about what, and had a jolly old time testing out his own incredible speech skills when it was his turn, with the best part of it all being played repeatedly on every news slot available.

It went something like this;

“You See, You See, You Sssseeeeee!”

Actually I didn’t see it at all, and it took me three times of watching the news byte to get what he was on about which was evidently all about being “One Kenya, One People”. Nice thought Mr Kibaki, I like it a lot, but I’m afraid I still don’t quite see it.

Down in Zimbabwe, Uncle Bob seems to have succeeded in having the entire world turn against him – Oh, apart from Thabo Mbeki of course, who obviously has some sort of strange deal going on with the man. I wouldn’t be surprised if it went something like;

MUGABE : “Listen Tabs, stick with me and once we’re through this small hiccup and they’ve all calmed down about the beatings and starvation, I’ll change the law so that I’m President for life and then we’ll put South Africa and Zimbabwe together, kick out all your white farmers and take over the world!”

THABO MBEKI : “Mmmm, yeah, good one Bob. I mean what the hell does the rest of the world know anyway. They think HIV causes AIDS and everything. Come on now. All those Western fellows thinking they have the upper hand on us Africans eh. We’ll show them!”

But meanwhile across in the Congo, they have much larger troubles to deal with
- or not - as the case may be.

Lynchings in Congo as penis theft panic hits capital

Police in Congo have arrested 13 suspected sorcerers accused of using black magic to steal or shrink men's penises after a wave of panic and attempted lynchings triggered by the alleged witchcraft.

Rumours of penis theft began circulating last week in Kinshasa, Democratic Republic of Congo's sprawling capital of some 8 million inhabitants. They quickly dominated radio call-in shows, with listeners advised to beware of fellow passengers in communal taxis wearing gold rings.

Well surely now, all you blokes out there should be panicking for those sorcerers are known for flying about and the Congo’s not too far from here I’ll have you know.

Clearly you ought to be scouring the matatus and Citi Hoppers for all those wearing gold rings. I mean you don’t want some sorcerer nipping off with your willy now when you’re not looking.

For goodness sake, Mugabe may be a dictator, Mbeki a complete wimp, and all the Kenyan leaders collectively a bunch of money grabbers who can’t sort out the IDP mess, but what does any of that matter when here right under our very noses we have much more crucial problems.

All the women are laughing shamelessly at all the men, and undoubtedly all the men's main source of concern right now is;

- “Where have all the willys gone”

….. Ooooh I feel a song coming on !


nuttycow said...

Isn't Mbeki married to Bob's sister or something?

odegle said...

about the PM and president .. give them time they will get there. Zim, mugabe, there must something terribly wrong with that nation as a whole!

seinlife said...

Instead of lynching the penis shrinkers send them en mass to Goma with free reign to practice their trade on all those warring rapist....that should keep everyone happy!(well except the rapists of course LOL)

Expatmum said...

I think you should complete the Willy song for your next post!


Nuttycow - I've never heard that before

Odegle - I agree, let's give them time and hope. Most definitely Mugabe has lost the plot.

Seinlife - Now that is an excellent plan. In fact I think we should import some of those sorcerers here and sort these fellows out.

Expatmum - ooooh, don't tempt me :-)

Gorilla Bananas said...

Penis theft is a hard one to swallow! But shrinkage it quite possible if the right person is staring at the owner.

aims said...

OMG! What next?

Kenyan Halisi said...

Methinks mzunguchick you're sounding more and more bitter, with a white angle to it. Your blog from yesterday, on castigating Kenyan men,"who congratulate themselves on rape" and today, putting that "stealing whtie people's land" (let's forget millions of Africans were killed or had their land stolen by BOTH the white man and Mugabe, they're nothing compared to white land. You sound like western media home to roost on this blog, complete with a superior Eurocentricism. P.s I'm teh one taht regarded you an "original Kenyan" in your first or second post. But that's it for me for your blog, you got the attention, you immeditely turned it into a white thing already, didn't expect toooo much anyway. Adios! Hang with the inferior-feeling Africans who know not much, and down with you.
Kenyan Halisi.

Kenya Milele said...

Land reform issues should start with the thousands of hectares owned by "Kenyans of British descent"...I don't know what this means cos to me, they a simple British citizens who own our land. We have thousands of University graduates who hold degrees in Agriculture who are capable of running these white owned farms. How many Kenyans or Africans own their land? I'm glad Mugabe took the white owned farms but did not steal cos how do you steal what's your? The only failure was for him not put the farms in good use.
Stop insulting our leaders and our men. Mbeki will not be dictated by the west what to do. Apartheid era is gone and no one will ever dance to the west again.


Kenya halisi & Kenya milele - I'm so sorry that both of you seem to have completely misunderstood this post and (apparantly) the one before too. I am far from a bitter Eurocentric but you are all entitled to your shallow opinions and lack of sense of humour. Next time I shall start my post with "If you have no sense of humour then please do NOT read on!"

But thanks very much to both of you for great fodder for my next post.

Anonymous said...

I think kenya milele and kenya halisi are are just confused, how on earth can somebody not understand humour.I am kikuyu,and always make fun with our obsession with miguda and ngombe ya giredi and the pick-up for thara!.Kenyans always make fun of their ethnic backgrounds and the fun of seeing things in cultural stereotype.the two guys above are just plain tribalists trying to defend their obsolete 19th century nationalism.We have a right to live in any country and take any citizenship we want.1 am yet to here americans complain that Obama wants to take a job reserved for 10th generation americans or such.
MC usijali hawa ma-haters.keep up with the blog.


Njoroge - Thanks very much for your comment. I totally agree that the absolute majority of Kenyans have a superb sense of humour, and no matter what race, tribe or religion that you come from, we all live in one world.

Anonymous said...

I would just like to point out to milele and halisi that Malaysia gained independence at the same time as Kenya and its economy is booming. The same could not be said for Kenya right now. Perhaps they should look at the benefits that overseas/outside investors bring to a country (be they white, or any colour). If Kenya is to benefit in a similar way, then concentrate on attracting these investors, rather than scaring them away with antagonistic comments.

From what I read in Muzungu Chick's blog she is a fellow Kenyan who is laughing WITH not AT her fellow Kenyans! Find your sense of humour and laugh with her!

Dad Mzungu said...

I have travelled a lot in Kenya just lately, mainly on public transport, and although my experience of Kenya and Kenyans is still limited, those people I know well and those I have met just fleetingly are friendly and humorous, always ready to have a laugh, even at their own expense.
Total strangers on matatus, shuttles and buses will share a joke with the mzungu.
So I say to Kenyans, don't lose your sense of humour - it will ruin you!
Dad Mzungu

Baba W&M said...

It's very sad how stereotyping and bigotry raise their ugly heads so quickly. Kenya milele and Kenya halisi are the kind of fodder that politicians all over Africa feed upon. And unfortunately while we waste so much energy and so many lives dwelling on such issues, the more important business of growing countries and people falls behind.

Kenya Plus said...

...Actually I agree with Halisi and Milele. I have lived abroad about twenty years nowI ahve noticed when watching the enws/visiting, that Africans that have never gone anywhere, and can never tell when a white person is speaking to them as an equal, or when they are talking 'down' to your. Granted, the blog has kind of a humourous angle to it (hey, I've enjoyed a few articles myself), but only Kenyans who've lived abroad can tell the slight 'message to bear' white angle it has to it, humour or no homour.
Enjoy folks..
Btw, is mzungu chick deleting negative comments? My friend Sophie just posted two and they disappeared?? Way to go girl.

Kenya Plus 2 said...

Oh, and 'Anon' -

you must be deaf and blind (but even then..) not to know that Obama has Secret Service for protection since he put his name on teh presidential campaign roll. You must be utterly cut-off from this world not to have heard of the death threats he has received,including a 'suspicious' house fire - was it two months ago? Yes, you must be in a hole to not know that those are not particular to him either, that millions of African Americans go through that everyday, living at point 0...
Have you even talked to Kenyans living in the US??! I am frankly SHOCKED by your ignorance on the above, I really am.Have you HEARD ANYTHING??!
Well, bye, gotta go rest now from this.

Milima na Mabonde said...

@ Dad Mzungu
Good advice...
..but no one asked for it. :).
Question is, does the mzungu possess an authentic snse of humour as the Kenyan? :D.


@Baba W&M - well said.

@Kenya Plus - I have deleted no comments so your friend Sophie didn't post them here but she is very welcome to.

I must say I really like to be surrounded by well balanced types such as yourself - Chip on each shoulder! I think that's what living in the States does to you.

Anyway everyone is entitled to an opinion and - by the way -

Anonymous said...

Fuck off bitch