Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Fluffy Chick ...

Today I’m fluffing about in a state of ‘fluffiness’. I think it is because it rained all night and my brain is still damp, However I shall write, if only to entertain myself – who I of course find incredibly amusing (being the founder of the ‘Self Appreciation Society”, which is about to recruit a further 210 members of the Kenyan parliament.

'Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress..
But I repeat myself.'
--Mark Twain

This is the state of our politics today, those who didn’t make the cabinet are still all arguing about who DIDN’T get which job, and those that did get a job in the cabinet are putting out warnings to the “graft watchdog” on all contracts that have been awarded in their ‘new’ departments in the previous five years that didn’t directly involve any members of their immediate family.

All Military officers have been given a 20% reduction in their meager salaries in order to help out the IDP’s whereas all the MP’s sit pretty with their hefty pay packets, which is totally and utterly outrageous.

The only serious issue that seems to be coming out of headline news is that The Prime Minister will not be getting his 30 Million Shillings Mercedes this month as the government is “Lacking funds”!!


Saying that, it turns out I too have been humiliated, not by an entire country however that won’t buy me a new car, but by cyberspace itself.

I have just received this message through my email:-

Hi Mzunguchick !
You know that you have a "bimbo"?
Its important to take care of it! She dead now! But you can save her again!

Thank Christ she is – now get her to learn the English language before she dare live again; anyone saying “She dead now” deserves to die quite frankly!

Here in Kenya we use sophisticated English do you mind – stuff like;

“See over there *point with chin*;
It’s that ka-guy, sindio?”

“Wewe, Pleeeease, I’m rushing, just pick it, halafu come.”

You see so what’s with the ‘She Dead Now’???

Then I’ve got some message from Facebook telling me that my “hatchlings are unhappy” because apparently I haven’t been feeding the little blighters!

So there you go, what kind of a mother am I killing off Bimbo’s and hatchlings I hear you cry, but no matter, I caught up with some blog reading (as you do when you should be working), and I’ve found the book for me, so all’s well.

It’s a picture book aimed at 4 to 8 year olds entitled “My Beautiful Mommy” that’s all about plastic surgery and “aims to explain why mom (argh!) is getting a flatter tummy and a ‘prettier’ nose – note the American spelling there because surely there is NO other country in the entire world who could come out with such a book and …. Shockingly … actually sell copies.

The fact of course that I already exist as “Beautiful Mummy” to my one and only 8 year old son with attitude is neither here nor there – did I ever tell you about his poor eyesight?? Only kidding, his eyes are perfect I’ll have you know, he can make out every detail on the Disney’s channel's “Brandy and Mr. Whiskers.”

Actually I got told off on Sunday by my son’s 8 year old best friend who told me that I should only allow him to watch TV for an hour in an evening when there was no school the next day, so that meant only twice a week on Friday and Saturday evening – because that’s all he’s allowed! The fact that he comes round to our house most days after school and switches our TV on is probably totally irrelevant in his world!

So there you go, even dissed as a bad mother by the neighbours 8 year old – things aren’t good.

But it’s ok, I have figured out the solution to 8 year old attitude …..

it’s called the threat of boarding school and works a treat let me tell you

– highly recommended.

I’m sure some child psychologists would view this as child cruelty but seriously I will carry this out if my orders are not obeyed to the letter let me tell you.

I too shall one day become Prime Minister and shall be known as;



and take note, I shall be ordering my Mercedes now before any of you smart Alec’s get any more ideas about not affording another one.

The police haven’t had a pay cut yet – what’s wrong with you ????. …..


Gorilla Bananas said...

I think you'd be better as Queen rather than PM. These silly men need to be squashed by a great mama elephant. I'm talking about the power of your spirit rather than the size of your bum.

Dad Mzungu said...

Hi Fluffy Mzungu

If I had a vote in Kenya, I would vote for you. As it is, I sit here in the UK, watching the happenings (or lack of) in and around parliament. I despair, I really do.
But then, our government seems to be trying its hardest to lose the next election. Personally, I don't care, but when a government is in this mode, it is not governing.
And then there is Uncle Bob. What is that maniac on? Whatever it is, as the people's future representative, please make sure that Kibaki/Raila don't get their hands on it!
I feel so sorry for the PM. Fancy being (almost) in charge of a country that can't even afford to buy him a car. But then, what's wrong with a Corolla? There seems to be enough of them in Nairobi. I'm sure one could be found for him.

aims said...

America's obsession with fake beauty is totally astounding and embarrasing! I just took a break from reading blogs and plucked the hairs off of chin - by myself!! What would they think on the other side of the border! Gasp!

seinlife said...

Yikes .. i hope no keyboards were harmed in the process of making this piece!

Anonymous said...

Nigesh soo kobole nikaget msosi:-) Au sio?

Kenya1 said...

Manze kenyan English, if we can call it that, defies classification. There seem to be no rules on how it is structured, which words are "borrowed" and assimilated, and from which language, how long a given word will stay in vogue before its a no-no etc etc, But when you hear it; you'll know

Anonymous said...

I just spoke to someone in Eldoret. The displaced people around there are living the most miserable of lives.

It’s heartbreaking. While our politicians continue to talk about rewarding themselves for God knows what.


Baba W&M said...

mmm... did the boarding school threat. After consultations with other 9 year olds, boarding school was deemed cool. Now I am asked "when am I going to boarding school"


Mr Bananas - I'm glad I have the spirit of an elephant as well as the bottom :-)

DM - Don't worry about our PM - I'm sure he'll survive temporarily in one of his VX's.

Aims - OH MY GOODNESS GIRL - The shame! Plucking your own facial hair without shelling out cash - it's shocking!!

Seinlife - Not too many keyboards, just a couple of mice got squashed!

Anonymous - Pole. Hakuna chumes? Basi, njoo kwangu kwa msosi.

Kenya1 - Sivio.

Chocolateeurydice - that's Kenya today.

Baba W&M - Damn, I'm looking for the same reaction in my son. Think I'll have him chat to your kids about how cool boarding school is, and then he can go next week no worries there!

Anonymous said...

Uganda's former ruler Idi Amin Dada gave himself the titles: His Excellency, President for Life, Field Marshal Al Hadji Doctor, Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Seas, the Last King of Scotland and Conqueror of the British Empire in Africa in General and Uganda in Particular.
Its hard for me to see any difference between Amin and Mugabe....Birds of a feather....

Primal Sneeze said...

We Paddy's are getting in on the act, according to Breaking News.IE. Too little, too late?


Anonymous - you're probably very right about Mugabe. He'll have those MDC supporters heads in his fridge before long.

Primal - Hey, it's the thought that counts! Actually can I say Irish Aid is doing a fab job and I must say I feel very sorry for all the aid agencies trying to do their best but not getting far because of our arguing politicians refusing to actually make a proper plan!