Damn, they're clever these politicians ....

I stand in awe.

Parliament sat yesterday and had a jolly loud debate about what to do about our striking students. And what did they decide was the solution, (besides of course their bright idea of bringing back caning - because of course those annoying "human rights" fellows won't like that one bit!), so no, no, the smashing Minister of Education, the ever so clever "PROFESSOR" (no less) Sam Ongeri announced 'new regulations to stem the wave of unrest in our Secondary Schools' as follows .........

1. No secondary school student will henceforth be allowed to carry a mobile phone to school, and
2. Purchase of school buses with TV sets, DVD players and music systems have been banned.

Phew - glad you've sorted that out then. Don't you worry about those kids exams or the fact that you totally and utterly screwed up the KCSE results for last year. As long as none of them carries a mobile phone or listens to any music on the way to school, all of course shall be well!!

YAY, ALL HAIL THE PROF !!

Bring on Mrs Darwin perhaps ... ?

Not sure how many of you have been keeping up with the world news but there's this very bizarre case that came up of a man who canoed out to sea some years ago, never to be seen again, who turned up at a police station in the UK at the end of last year - for reasons known only to himself.

This is now the story of the court case surrounding the bizarre fraud incident .....

Canoe wife 'acted out emotions'



The wife, lovely lady that she is, 'stood by her man', and when he 'returned from the dead', she was overcome with emotion!!

..... BUT .... turns out she had been standing by collecting the insurance and hanging out in Panama with him all along, and the most fantastic thing about the whole story is that she is currently in court and says she's innocent !!

Er .... Right lady, that's the way to do it !!

- You see, you don't need to be a politician to lie through your teeth. You can just be a little old housewife. But my goodness, she did it so well and for 5 years, and it was only the husband who blew the whole thing out of the water it seems.

You see, that's a serious case of a missed vocation in life - she could have been a lecturer in Politics at some top Kenyan University.

Our politicians this end need someone like that to brush up on their 'downright lying' techniques! In fact, Mrs Darwin could be extremely useful as the spokesman for our Parliament right now don't you think?

Just in the last 7 days, we've had our Finance Minister dumped in the big sticky stuff and consequently shuffling to the side, swiftly followed by the Immigration Minister who has been jolly naughty issuing work permits when he was told not to, and then today it's Uhuru Kenyatta's turn of being accused of dodgy nominations when he was briefly ensconced in the Minister for Local Government posting.

Meanwhile out of the office everyone is gearing up for the 2012 succession - and why not indeed.

We are not yet 6 months into this one and it's turning out to be a complete disaster with lots of grown men bickering and throwing mud pies at each other and absolutely nothing actually being done, and I don't suppose it'll get any better in the next 4 years so "Hell Yea", let's start campaigning for 2012 and until then, the country can all go and rot!

Fluffy Chick ...

Today I’m fluffing about in a state of ‘fluffiness’. I think it is because it rained all night and my brain is still damp, However I shall write, if only to entertain myself – who I of course find incredibly amusing (being the founder of the ‘Self Appreciation Society”, which is about to recruit a further 210 members of the Kenyan parliament.

'Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress..
But I repeat myself.'
--Mark Twain

This is the state of our politics today, those who didn’t make the cabinet are still all arguing about who DIDN’T get which job, and those that did get a job in the cabinet are putting out warnings to the “graft watchdog” on all contracts that have been awarded in their ‘new’ departments in the previous five years that didn’t directly involve any members of their immediate family.

All Military officers have been given a 20% reduction in their meager salaries in order to help out the IDP’s whereas all the MP’s sit pretty with their hefty pay packets, which is totally and utterly outrageous.

The only serious issue that seems to be coming out of headline news is that The Prime Minister will not be getting his 30 Million Shillings Mercedes this month as the government is “Lacking funds”!!

- OH THE SHAME ………

Saying that, it turns out I too have been humiliated, not by an entire country however that won’t buy me a new car, but by cyberspace itself.

I have just received this message through my email:-

Hi Mzunguchick !
You know that you have a "bimbo"?
Its important to take care of it! She dead now! But you can save her again!

Thank Christ she is – now get her to learn the English language before she dare live again; anyone saying “She dead now” deserves to die quite frankly!

Here in Kenya we use sophisticated English do you mind – stuff like;

“See over there *point with chin*;
It’s that ka-guy, sindio?”

“Wewe, Pleeeease, I’m rushing, just pick it, halafu come.”

You see so what’s with the ‘She Dead Now’???

Then I’ve got some message from Facebook telling me that my “hatchlings are unhappy” because apparently I haven’t been feeding the little blighters!

So there you go, what kind of a mother am I killing off Bimbo’s and hatchlings I hear you cry, but no matter, I caught up with some blog reading (as you do when you should be working), and I’ve found the book for me, so all’s well.

It’s a picture book aimed at 4 to 8 year olds entitled “My Beautiful Mommy” that’s all about plastic surgery and “aims to explain why mom (argh!) is getting a flatter tummy and a ‘prettier’ nose – note the American spelling there because surely there is NO other country in the entire world who could come out with such a book and …. Shockingly … actually sell copies.

The fact of course that I already exist as “Beautiful Mummy” to my one and only 8 year old son with attitude is neither here nor there – did I ever tell you about his poor eyesight?? Only kidding, his eyes are perfect I’ll have you know, he can make out every detail on the Disney’s channel's “Brandy and Mr. Whiskers.”

Actually I got told off on Sunday by my son’s 8 year old best friend who told me that I should only allow him to watch TV for an hour in an evening when there was no school the next day, so that meant only twice a week on Friday and Saturday evening – because that’s all he’s allowed! The fact that he comes round to our house most days after school and switches our TV on is probably totally irrelevant in his world!

So there you go, even dissed as a bad mother by the neighbours 8 year old – things aren’t good.

But it’s ok, I have figured out the solution to 8 year old attitude …..

it’s called the threat of boarding school and works a treat let me tell you

– highly recommended.

I’m sure some child psychologists would view this as child cruelty but seriously I will carry this out if my orders are not obeyed to the letter let me tell you.

I too shall one day become Prime Minister and shall be known as;

“SHE WHO MUST BE OBEYED”

from the “DEPARTMENT OF HOME AFFAIRS”,

and take note, I shall be ordering my Mercedes now before any of you smart Alec’s get any more ideas about not affording another one.

The police haven’t had a pay cut yet – what’s wrong with you ????. …..

Perhaps the Italians have got it right ...

First things first.

If I receive yet another email about the bloody obvious or anything else equally unhelpful
– like ....

”make your girlfriend worship you by adding some more inches to your shaft”,

“14 different ways to crush pain and inflammation” or

“decrease your cellulite, lose body fat and increase your libido”

…….. Oooh, Oooh, Oooh, hold on, I didn’t delete that one did I?
Damn, Damn, Damn….,

I shall resort to this ………

But just as I was about to lob the computer out of the first floor window, some inspiration appeared on my screen in the form of a “Reuters News Alert”.

Listen to this,

“Porn star unveils Italy campaign weapon – her bottom”…..…..

But of course, what else is essential is any political office, besides a nice, pert bottom ??

I read on ….

Targeting her male fan base, the veteran of Italy's adult entertainment industry (porn star Milly D'Abbraccio) has plastered images of her derriere all around the Eternal City in a bid to win a seat in Rome's city hall.

If elected, D'Abbraccio wants to create a red light area with strip clubs, erotic discos and sex shops called "Love City" just kilometres away from the Vatican. "It would be something cute, clean -- nothing to do with prostitution," said the actress whose films include "The Kiss of the Cobra" and "Paolina Borghese, Imperial Nymphomaniac".

"People don't want to see these politicians' faces anymore," she told Reuters in an interview from her Rome apartment.

As for experience, D'Abbraccio acknowledges she is a political novice but she did play a powerful lawmaker in an adult film called "L'Onorevole".

"I played the part of the speaker of the lower house of parliament, who got very hot and then let herself go," she said.

Excellent, she sounds like an exceedingly special candidate for any political agenda, with her ‘cute’ and ‘clean’ ideas ….

Ms D’Abbraccio for President I say.

At least it’ll be much more entertaining than this lot we’ve got ourselves stuck with over here I’m sure, and I’d rather my taxes were wasted on ‘erotic discos’ and ‘strip clubs’ than wasted lining some fat oaf’s personal pockets!

I’ve no idea why any Universities bother to teach any courses at all in “Politics”, as obviously the only qualification it takes to enter into any political assembly worldwide is to be a complete twit. And the bigger the twit you are, the higher up the political ladder you are likely to climb!

Must have accessory for all politicians !

Essential bit of kit for all Kenyan politicians to check out their care factor for the week.






Nope, didn't think so...
Still don't give a f….!

Fellow Kenyans, Give up the tribal politics!

Its politics, politicians and policies round our parts at the moment. It seems you cannot have a conversation lasting more than about 5 minutes without touching on the subject, so I thought perhaps I should post my 5 cents worth – although as a mzungu chick in this part of the world my opinion may not be worth much, I still have the same rights as every other Kenyan – and that includes my right to vote – whichever way that may be.

I read an excellent article in the press in one of the dailies which was a comment on the issue of politics and tribalism.

First of all can I say, I’d like to totally agree with the fellow who said that all those who felt he should vote with his tribe should basically ‘Get Stuffed’! A Kikuyu guy wrote the comment stating that the fact that although a fellow Kyuk has been in power, this has not altered his life (or any other Kikuyu for that matter) any different from any other Kenyan. Likewise in our constituency we’ve had a Luo in power for the past however long and there are no Luo’s I know of around here that have benefited – or not as the case may be – any more than the next guy whichever tribe they may be from.

Majimboism (the latest buzz word in the politicking factions) – according to the proposed constitution – is the decentralization of government with more power to the people, and although this sounds great on paper, Kenyans extremely tribalist roots will suggest they get their own tribes in and all others out! .. and the case of sharing out the cash to run each constituency will be a whole debate of its own …

Fair? … – I doubt it!

A colleague in the office told me of a scam that was going on throughout the last general election that had a gang of goons going around the villages telling the voters they felt wouldn’t swing Kibaki’s way that if they put an X in the box for Kibaki, it would mean that you didn't want him for president.

- Nice way to garner some votes wouldn’t you say!

Voting on tribal lines has become so ensconced in the Kenyan culture, you’re a Kikuyu – then obviously you vote for the Kyuk, a Luo for the Jaluo and a Kamba for the Kao – the others just get conned into voting for whoever the goons who get to them first tell them to vote for.

Please fellow Kenyans, let’s wake up and smell the roses. Let's vote for those with the best policies, those that will make our great country move forward and upward as it deserves to do.

International Day for the Eradication of Poverty.

Kibera slums - where one in 3 Nairobians live.

Today is International Day for the Eradication of Poverty, and as much as i sometimes wonder what all those UN types round our parts get up to half the time, I do believe that somehow, some of the time, they do actually do something useful and for once I'd like to stand up with them.

I've stuck in a link at the side of my blog in which you can all join up and support the Global Call to Action Against Poverty - a worldwide alliance that is committed to forcing the world leaders to live up their promises they made at the dawn of the Millennium, to the world’s poor.

The leaders pledged a world where all children complete their elementary education; a world where people have access to safe drinking water, and families are protected from deadly diseases like malaria; a world where nations work together to cut greenhouse gas emissions that contribute to global warming. Above all, our leaders promised a world where people are no longer condemned to a life of extreme and egregious poverty.

This year, International Day for the Eradication of Poverty falls just after the midpoint in the race to reach those commitments -- ( the Millennium Development Goals, as they are known) -- by the target date of 2015. The Day provides an important opportunity to take stock of progress, and it seems that although the proportion of people globally living on less than a dollar a day has fallen, progress has been uneven, and some regions -- particularly sub-Saharan Africa -- are not on track to redeem even a single one of these grand promises.

- Well, that's us folks - the sub-Saharan ones that are stuffing up their statistics, and yet we are surrounded by do-gooders and UN types, so something somewhere must be going on although i'm not sure how its gone so horribly wrong. Although i can't profess to be able to save the world, i would like to think that somehow we can all do something somewhere to save my fellow citizens.

Ban Ki-Moon suggests Governments to become more accountable to their citizens in their efforts to achieve the Millennium Goals - nice try Mr Moon but you're obviously not an African politician as those around these parts are keen on inflating the banana and orange market, meanwhile making empty promises, that seem to fill nothing but their own pockets!

He then goes on to say: "Above all, it requires a true partnership for development -- one in which rich countries do their part in delivering resources and productive employment opportunities through market access, so as to enable the poor to take control of their lives. " - Now, here i could not agree more. We do not need more and more food aid, we need more and more opportunities to give the poor in order to enable them to take control of their own lives and not to have to live on handouts for ever.

Bravo Ban Ki-Moon - and i do hope our politicians also take a little more notice and stop with the empty promises.

Oh Whoops!

Just had to share this one - it's a classic.

BBC News just reported that an RAF jet dropped a 14kg bomb 'by accident' and now they've lost it.

'..................... But hey don't worry chaps - its not live so don't worry about a thing!! But if you do happen to come across it perhaps you should give us a quick tinkle so that we can come and pick it up and perhaps not best to touch it because ....er .... Well, you never know!!'

Brilliant!

What hope is there for us and our arguing politicians when over there in the posh world they lose bombs by accident!!

Never mind - Am sure it'll turn up sometime!