Bring on Mrs Darwin perhaps ... ?

Not sure how many of you have been keeping up with the world news but there's this very bizarre case that came up of a man who canoed out to sea some years ago, never to be seen again, who turned up at a police station in the UK at the end of last year - for reasons known only to himself.

This is now the story of the court case surrounding the bizarre fraud incident .....

Canoe wife 'acted out emotions'



The wife, lovely lady that she is, 'stood by her man', and when he 'returned from the dead', she was overcome with emotion!!

..... BUT .... turns out she had been standing by collecting the insurance and hanging out in Panama with him all along, and the most fantastic thing about the whole story is that she is currently in court and says she's innocent !!

Er .... Right lady, that's the way to do it !!

- You see, you don't need to be a politician to lie through your teeth. You can just be a little old housewife. But my goodness, she did it so well and for 5 years, and it was only the husband who blew the whole thing out of the water it seems.

You see, that's a serious case of a missed vocation in life - she could have been a lecturer in Politics at some top Kenyan University.

Our politicians this end need someone like that to brush up on their 'downright lying' techniques! In fact, Mrs Darwin could be extremely useful as the spokesman for our Parliament right now don't you think?

Just in the last 7 days, we've had our Finance Minister dumped in the big sticky stuff and consequently shuffling to the side, swiftly followed by the Immigration Minister who has been jolly naughty issuing work permits when he was told not to, and then today it's Uhuru Kenyatta's turn of being accused of dodgy nominations when he was briefly ensconced in the Minister for Local Government posting.

Meanwhile out of the office everyone is gearing up for the 2012 succession - and why not indeed.

We are not yet 6 months into this one and it's turning out to be a complete disaster with lots of grown men bickering and throwing mud pies at each other and absolutely nothing actually being done, and I don't suppose it'll get any better in the next 4 years so "Hell Yea", let's start campaigning for 2012 and until then, the country can all go and rot!

It all seems to be about HOT potatoes ...

PARLIAMENT, INQUIRY COMMISSIONS OR COURT CASES

Please note that if you are involved in ANY of the forementioned gatherings, please make sure that under NO circumstances should you plead GUILTY, and that wherever possible you should hand the blame to the closest person to you!


I have set out some examples for you to follow for those who need clarification;


PARLIAMENT

- Someone somewhere will inevitably catch you handling vast amounts of rather dirty cash at some stage during your tenure in parliament. If you are caught with such before getting teh chance to get down to the drycleaners and give it a quick launder, then just tell everyone that you know nothing about it being illegal and (if all else fails), "BUT, the Prime Minister knew!" (- that is if you are from the ODM camp). THose from the PNU camp must replace that line with the following;
"BUT, the President knew!"
Then you shall categorically state that you would die first and then resign, and the following day you can stay home stating you have "step aside for the good of others" but - TAKE NOTE - "have NOT resigned!"


ANY COMMISSION OF INQUIRY

- Whatever questions are asked of you, and in fact even if none are asked at all, you must repeat this phrase;
"It was most definitely ALL the authority's fault!"
If of course, you happen to be from said authorites, go with the alternative;
"I knew absolutely nothing about it, but BE ASSURED I shall look into it and make sure the perpertrators are taken to book for it."
(no matter what the inquiry has been set up for by the way, the same phrases apply)


COURT CASES

- Most especially those involving colonial aristocrats being tried for murder.
Try the following sentence to completely divert everybodies mind, change the game plan, and of course get someone else to take the blame (after two years of going in and out of court);
"I couldn't possibly have done it. The only other witness to the event, who has of course stuck up for me all this time, but can I say he just hasn't been to visit enough, therefore HE obviously did it !!"



Right, so, we all sorted then chaps??
Whatever happens do not DROP the potato, just pass it on as quickly as possible!!

Fluffy Chick ...

Today I’m fluffing about in a state of ‘fluffiness’. I think it is because it rained all night and my brain is still damp, However I shall write, if only to entertain myself – who I of course find incredibly amusing (being the founder of the ‘Self Appreciation Society”, which is about to recruit a further 210 members of the Kenyan parliament.

'Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress..
But I repeat myself.'
--Mark Twain

This is the state of our politics today, those who didn’t make the cabinet are still all arguing about who DIDN’T get which job, and those that did get a job in the cabinet are putting out warnings to the “graft watchdog” on all contracts that have been awarded in their ‘new’ departments in the previous five years that didn’t directly involve any members of their immediate family.

All Military officers have been given a 20% reduction in their meager salaries in order to help out the IDP’s whereas all the MP’s sit pretty with their hefty pay packets, which is totally and utterly outrageous.

The only serious issue that seems to be coming out of headline news is that The Prime Minister will not be getting his 30 Million Shillings Mercedes this month as the government is “Lacking funds”!!

- OH THE SHAME ………

Saying that, it turns out I too have been humiliated, not by an entire country however that won’t buy me a new car, but by cyberspace itself.

I have just received this message through my email:-

Hi Mzunguchick !
You know that you have a "bimbo"?
Its important to take care of it! She dead now! But you can save her again!

Thank Christ she is – now get her to learn the English language before she dare live again; anyone saying “She dead now” deserves to die quite frankly!

Here in Kenya we use sophisticated English do you mind – stuff like;

“See over there *point with chin*;
It’s that ka-guy, sindio?”

“Wewe, Pleeeease, I’m rushing, just pick it, halafu come.”

You see so what’s with the ‘She Dead Now’???

Then I’ve got some message from Facebook telling me that my “hatchlings are unhappy” because apparently I haven’t been feeding the little blighters!

So there you go, what kind of a mother am I killing off Bimbo’s and hatchlings I hear you cry, but no matter, I caught up with some blog reading (as you do when you should be working), and I’ve found the book for me, so all’s well.

It’s a picture book aimed at 4 to 8 year olds entitled “My Beautiful Mommy” that’s all about plastic surgery and “aims to explain why mom (argh!) is getting a flatter tummy and a ‘prettier’ nose – note the American spelling there because surely there is NO other country in the entire world who could come out with such a book and …. Shockingly … actually sell copies.

The fact of course that I already exist as “Beautiful Mummy” to my one and only 8 year old son with attitude is neither here nor there – did I ever tell you about his poor eyesight?? Only kidding, his eyes are perfect I’ll have you know, he can make out every detail on the Disney’s channel's “Brandy and Mr. Whiskers.”

Actually I got told off on Sunday by my son’s 8 year old best friend who told me that I should only allow him to watch TV for an hour in an evening when there was no school the next day, so that meant only twice a week on Friday and Saturday evening – because that’s all he’s allowed! The fact that he comes round to our house most days after school and switches our TV on is probably totally irrelevant in his world!

So there you go, even dissed as a bad mother by the neighbours 8 year old – things aren’t good.

But it’s ok, I have figured out the solution to 8 year old attitude …..

it’s called the threat of boarding school and works a treat let me tell you

– highly recommended.

I’m sure some child psychologists would view this as child cruelty but seriously I will carry this out if my orders are not obeyed to the letter let me tell you.

I too shall one day become Prime Minister and shall be known as;

“SHE WHO MUST BE OBEYED”

from the “DEPARTMENT OF HOME AFFAIRS”,

and take note, I shall be ordering my Mercedes now before any of you smart Alec’s get any more ideas about not affording another one.

The police haven’t had a pay cut yet – what’s wrong with you ????. …..

Our "Grand Coalition" government is at 'stalemate' ..

Well after all the ‘how to lose some kilos’ advice I was offered, I thought I’d better get to it. Then in this last couple of days on the British news, there is a story that has really caught my eye.

There’s been lots of talk of this website called Miss Bimbo, which is aimed at 9 to 16 year old girls, in which they are told to buy their virtual characters breast enlargement surgery and to keep them “waif thin” with diet pills, and it really made me think ….

It’s not 9 to 16 year olds that should be worried about the kind of rubbish it promotes, such as who’s got the trendiest hair do, clothes and skinniest body (with or without plastic surgery), but it should be shut down and immediately relaunched as a 25+ years old only site and it’ll be an instant hit !

I mean you only need read the front page of the site;

Become the hottest, coolest most famous bimbo ever!
Become the most famous, beautiful, sought after bimbo across the globe!
• Find your own cool place to live.
• Find a fun job to pay for your needs and all the clothes a Bimbo could possibly want.
• Date that famous hottie you've had your eye on and show the Bimbo world the social starlet you are!
• Even resort to meds or plastic surgery. Stop at nothing to become the reigning bimbo!

I’ll join up, get myself some diet pills, plastic surgery and some designer clothes and I’ll be all set to reface you bloggers out there as I resurface as Miss Bimbo Chick 2008, and I know you’ll all be dead impressed !



...... Then I took a look at our own headlines this morning;


"Parties want Annan to resolve stalemate"
“PNU and ODM blame each other after deadlock over how to share key posts”, and
“MP’s take a 3 week break” from Parliament - the "big house with no business to transact”,

and it got me thinking ……..

We could start an internet game here just for all our Kenyan Members of Parliament to give them something useful to do whilst they take yet another break, and it could perhaps stop their bickering and renewed threats of mass action. They could earn ‘power points’ instead of ‘bimbo attitude points’. They could even earn themselves cash, but only by completing different challenges online, and then they could be granted different ministries as per their outcomes of the various challenges.

Normal everyday people such as ourselves would think up the challenges and WE would decide WHO deserves each ministry – whether from the PNU or the ODM camp, it would be OUR choice!

You could have the solving of security problems challenge where you could resettle all the IDP’s safely back into their own homes without any further tribalism around to drive them out again, and if you won the challenge you could be awarded the MINISTRY OF INTERNAL SECURITY.

If you rebuilt streets that were totalled during the troubles such as those in Kisumu, you could perhaps garner yourself the MINISTRY OF HOUSING & DEVELOPMENT, and if you could persuade all foreign embassies to remove their travel warnings and accept you as an ‘honest type’, you could perhaps win yourself the MINISTRY OF FOREIGN AFFAIRS……
(Then again, it may be tricky for any one of our 200+ MP’s to win that challenge, I’m not sure ‘honesty’ is quite up their street.)

The MINISTRY OF EDUCATION will only be got by putting in some decent plans for free education that don’t relate to the nonsense of “building funds”, but actually genuinely give free schooling. Then the MINISTRY OF LOCAL GOVERNMENT would be given to someone who can actually prove that a plan of keeping the matatu’s out of the city centre and giving the contract of shuttle services to a few ‘friendly’ companies (and NOT ‘at a price’) will actually help the traffic congestion and will not just be a way to make an extra buck on the side and meanwhile heaping yet more costs onto the common wanainchi.

They could earn themselves Mercedes, security details, take away girlfriends and even extra salaries but instead of all this coming out of our hard earned taxes, it could be all virtual cash and controlled by virtual bankers (– such as me of course who will take up the MINISTRY OF FINANCE), who shall allow only necessary provisions for drawings of real cash by paying ALL MP’s bills direct.

Although all ‘virtual’ and ‘online’, these MP’s would be earning themselves a ton, have Mercs stashed at each of their various residences, and a ‘sweetie’ housed in the Penthouse suite at the Nairobi Safari Club.

All this will do their street credibility wonders, the real cash would still lie in the Central Bank coffers and would not actually be spent on these Members of Parliament and their fictitious expenses, but could be finally used properly on real projects that would have been thought up originally as challenges on line with proper input coming from real Kenyans living real lives and not those living in their posh mansions surrounded by cotton wool and not having a real clue as to what the rest of Kenya is actually going through.

I reckon this game has the potential to most definitely sort the men from the boys (or the women from the girls for that matter), and get our country finally back on the right track!

And if, by the way there was a problem with the adjudication of the whole event, (we’d be sure not to have the ECK involved in any online tallying!), there wouldn’t be calls of mass action but instead online internet hours would be limited to the side seen as not behaving themselves! That way, our MPs would need to complete their challenges more competently in less time, therefore actually making use of their brains for once perhaps for something more useful than finding out which clothes to pack for their next ‘retreat’.

Excellent plan don’t you think?

I think we should go ahead with it immediately.

We’ll call it whowantstobeaminister.co.ke

Right, first things first;
“Hands up, Who wants to be President??”

MP’s Stashing Cash

I just read this post by a fab friend over at Sukuma Kenya about our MP’s latest “lets feed ourselves first scheme”, which is about ‘the plans of treasury to siphon off billions of shillings out of public coffers into the MP’s retirement kitty.’

Surely, this has come as no surprise to any of us. I mean, ultimately, why do any of these people vie for a seat in parliament anyway ….



“Er, cash of course …. What else is there ?”

“Sorry, helping the country and its people, are you kidding?”

“Don’t be ridiculous now. Those promises of help are just words spoken on campaign trails in order to get elected. Surely, you don’t actually expect me to seriously achieve any of them, do you?”

“Ohhhhh, You Do?”

“Ah, interesting point, I’ll have to have an all expenses trip to the coast with all my other overpaid friends to consult on that one.”

"I'll get back to you............."

All these people take whopping bank loans in order to finance their ‘campaigning’ (– or paying of the people to vote for you.) They know full well that they will be able to pay the money back extremely quickly once they're elected and once they’ve worked out which approved local project that they promised they can siphon the cash off from.

Towards the end of the last parliament when the MP’s panicked on realising they may just be on their way out the door, they rushed themselves through a bill approving each of them a cool 5Million shilling (around US$75,000), handshake on retirement.

It was the one day in the entire 5 years of that parliament sitting that attendance was over 90%! Mmmmm, Funny that!

Now we have a new bunch of fresh faces sitting in the house, it has dawned on them that many of the ‘old faces’ were voted out and the chances are (seeing as most of them are totally unqualified, inexperienced and incompetent to hold such positions in government anyway), they too will be voted out 5 years from now.

So, first things first.

'Best get our retirement fund organized and then we can get on with the trivial thing of running the country.'

'You know siphoning off cash isn’t so easy these days with all those ‘transparency’ chaps looking over your shoulder, and you never know the day they may finally actually catch up with you.'

Rumour has it, that interviews for the vacant post of Executive Director for the Kenya Chapter of Transparency International are currently being conducted and that doesn’t bode well if you’re newly elected and not quite au fait with how to tap as much cash as possible off every project you’re involved in.

Once these MP’s have spent 5 years earning their 800 thousand shillings + (around $12,000 +) per month, you know there’s always going to be that small problem of then being able to sustain themselves in the manner to which they have become accustomed, and you surely can’t expect them to ever accept to being everyday wanainchi like the rest of us ever again.

Face it, they’re now someone don’t you know, and by the way ….

“WHO ARE YOU?”

All seems very friendly !

Well, yesterday Parliament was finally opened with some extra pomp and flair and what a jolly friendly affair it turned out to be.


Kibaki arrived in his usual style with red carpets and a jolly long motorcade with roads blocked and traffic tailed back out into the suburbs. Even Raila arrived in a much more dignified manner in his Lexus with the goons in the Navy Mercedes way behind so no chance of them showing him up again!

There was lots of hugging, 'opposition' MP's finally sat together, and there seemed to be a lot of laughter. There was some scheming of course - but that can't be helped I'm sure (- I mean you can only be elected to parliament if you can prove you're totally two faced - I think that's a prerequistite), and of course there was some unofficial closing of the eyes and nodding of the heads as the regulars dropped off to sleep.

Kibaki's speech was all about peace and reconciliation - but the words were written by someone somewhere knowing the International Press would be watching Kibaki yesterday, as the English language used in his speech had lots of jolly big words that Kibaki stammered over (much to the amusement of the Parliament), and at the end of the day - it all sounded like an insincere load of crap actually.

But anyway, we have to hope that whatever the words said, what he meant was "We shall work as a team and put Kenya back onto its feet."

Lucy Kibaki was suspiciously missing from the grand occasion. The official press report says she is at home recovering from an unspecified illness, rumours in the press say she doesn't like Raila's wife and therefore refused to appear and share pleasantries with the women. Personally I think that after the shenanigans of the past couple of months and all the court cases that are now pending against her, I should think our dear President has had quite enough of giving out goats and has had her locked up in a padded room and thrown away the key!!

Anyway today I shall have faith in my country and its new beginnings and shall block the past from my mind ..........
for the next one hour anyway just so that I can relax and have a coffee and think happy thoughts.........
THEN, I shall be back on the warpath. (I hear there's some serious accusations on the BBC about our politicians that I must get round to reading and ripping into.)

Do have a jolly good day yourselves too thinking happy thoughts because its FURIHDAY, thoughts are free and kidding ourselves that life is perfect is a fun thing to do once in a while. It costs nothing and seems to flush out the cobwebs.

As my son told me this morning as I crawled out of my bed with a pounding headache and after no sleep at all as an alarm had been going off continuously all night right outside my bedroom window, save for the couple of minutes every few hours when the guard tried to reset the damn thing, and it stopped briefly;

"Well Mum, at least you had 120 seconds of quiet sometime in the night!"
- He's right, I should be thankful.

The party kicks off early .....

We have just currently done the third round of voting for position of the speaker for the house in the Kenyan parliament. They did not get a two thirds majority that is required for voting in of the speaker in the first two rounds so now in this, the third and final round, there is only 2 candidates left, from an original five that started (although the other three only garnered a couple of votes each anyway), and now it is just about a simple majority between Francis Ole Kaparo (the government's man) and Kenneth Marende (ODM's man).

In the first round the results were Marende 104, Kaparo 99.
Second round was Marende 104, Kaparo 102.
Now they are currently in the process of the third round which has only Marende and Kaparo contesting and now we are aruguing.

First of all we had 3 'spoiled' votes but after much arguing between the two sides they decided two of those spoilt were for Marende and 1 was Kaparo's.

Then we got total votes of only 205 (when there are 207 voting)!

Results finally in Kaparo 101, Marende 105.

The house has gone wild!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'll keep you updated.

No news as yet ....

Well parliament is in session. I have heard no shooting or tear gas throwing yet coming from town but I do understand there are more police than pedestrians on the streets so not sure that anyone will get away with too much at this stage.

A couple of rumours have come out of the slums saying there is a few troublemakers taunting police but generally we're all on a wait and see.

Will post again later with the latest once they're out!