I've got a real illness after all ...

Ok, so it turns out my hormones are in perfect working order and I haven’t got a ‘bloke’ illness at all but a genuine one with a really loooong name that I can’t possibly pronounce but it most definitely sounds like I should be in my bed!

So I am, and am incredibly bored I might add. Even the thrill of watching TV all day has not inspired me in the slightest and I haven’t even switched it on. I have an awful worry that I may be catching that “TV’s a load of bollix” disease and next thing you know, I’ll be stopping my satellite subscription …….

Whoops, sorry, it’s Ok Disney Channel, I promise not to cancel my satellite subscription and bankrupt you as my son wouldn’t allow it and would go on strike, and seeing as Disney Channel is what I use to bribe him to get anything done in this house – I simply couldn’t do that to myself!!

You see, I shouldn’t be worrying about politics – or not – and how much our mate Raila has spent of our hard earned cash, on his fabulous welding goggles that he’s been sporting since his trip round the world for an eye op. Instead I should be writing a blog on “How to effectively bribe your children” and “How to be an absolutely FAB parent”, and of course my favourite of the day “How to waste 24 hours on the internet WITHOUT taking a break” - except of course for the odd pee and frequent ‘raid the fridge’ stops!!

You see, that’s what happens when you end up with an unpronounceable virus that makes you feel like you’re drunk as a skunk without the expense of buying lots of gin.

It’s bloody marvellous actually and I highly recommend it….

The only other time I felt like this was when I dislocated my shoulder and the surgeon gave me a pethadine injection and then proceeded to climb on top of me, stick his knee in my shoulder and have the nurse yank my arm in the other direction!!

Luckily he had given me the pethadine first – not because of the pain – but the fact that I wasn’t compus mentos enough to really think about how ethical it was that the orthopaedic surgeon was actually sitting on me.

Really, I should have sued and then I’d be a rich chick by now and wouldn’t have to spend my sickly days surfing for jobs!

Oh woe is me I tell you, and with that, I shall love you and leave you, and hope that tomorrow I may wake up slightly more sane and perhaps start talking a little more sense.

But then again .......

Just a thought ........

At the beginning of the week, when it was announced that our newly ensconced Prime Minister would be flying out of the country for a spot of scheduled surgery and probably would not be back before the weekend, it crossed my mind that it was a little odd that Raila would not be around for such a big celebration as Labour Day, especially seeing as he has only just been sworn in and this would be the first proper state occasion at which to show off the new coalition and the new peace for Kenya.

BUT then, our dear President took to the podium and announced that for a second year in a row there would be no review of the minimum wage. He explained this was to protect businesses that were suffering from the post election chaos, and that the wanainchi shouldn't worry about the over inflated cabinet that was swallowing all the cash, because if we want peace that is a price we have to pay.

Then I realised how CONVENIENT it was that Honourable Raila Odinga was not part of this news, knowing full well I assume, that it would go down with our people like a lead balloon. Surely this means that in the future, if needs be (and chances are they will), he can turn around and say he had nothing to do with the decision not to raise the minimum wage and 'What on earth was Kibaki thinking?'

Thing is, if this is supposedly a 'coalition' government, does that not mean that with such major decisions as whether or not to review the minimum wage should surely have been discussed between them .... Ama ?



"Mmmm, yes, think I too might have opted for the laser eye surgery than be party to what was obviously going to be a bit of a crap day out .."

Also interesting don't you think, that our President blames the wanainchi for the chaos and says therefore we should pay the bill for it, knowing full well that ultimately POVERTY is what has got us to this awful position in the first place, and all he is doing is sinking us further into the mud by this decision.

Do you think these people will ever actually see the daylight, or will they conveniently sit aloft in their grand towers until the end of time?

The Chick's Sunday Political Commentary....

Politics in Kenya is increasingly depressing, but looking at the international news, I'm not entirely convinced that half the world is any better.

All that aside, here's a brief run down of where I see we're at right now.

You will be pleased to know that we are not currently under ‘Mungiki’ law in Nairobi at the moment and things have returned to the normal. I say we are not under Mungiki rule, but I’m sure the matatus are paying their ‘daily protection fees’ for operating and in those areas where Mungiki are the majority I’m sure that everyone is back to paying to walk to their house in safety, etc. as before but overall they have stopped holding the country hostage to their demands at this stage as Raila said last Thursday that he was prepared to talk to them and they have said that for now they will back off.

The saddest thing is in our country today is that we just brush it under the carpet, pay them off for now and hope they keep quiet for a while so that the government can get on with its inherent task of raping the country.

Kofi Annan is about at the moment and even he knows the score.

He has suggested that the ‘negotiation team’ has far from completed their task. Although they have finally named a cabinet, there are still the major issues of why this country blew up in the first place and how are they going to sort out those land issues and poverty issues, now all conveniently put on the back burner whilst everyone rushes round insisting on being addressed as “Mweshimiwa”!

Talk is that Raila wants everything out in the open for all to see what’s happening and how decisions for the country will be made, but then why is it that;

a) Raila has never explained what actually went on with his secret cabinet negotiations rendezvous, and how did he give in to the highly inflated numbers in the cabinet?

b) Thursday he said he would talk to the Mungiki so that they called off Friday’s ‘general strike’ that they were trying to hold, and yet since Thursday not a peep about it as if the trouble last week never existed.

I’m sorry but I know the favourite saying at the moment is “It’s not business as usual”, but seriously chaps, tell me what isn’t business as usual with the same old hidden scams going on left, right and centre and the press quiet about it all.

I’m not sure that anyone is willing to listen to Kofi Annan anymore as it seems that as far as those big boys are concerned, yes, they’re very grateful thank you for bringing us away from the brink of all out civil war, but as for all our inherent problems that got us there in the first place, well let them simmer for a few years and when we have another general election in 2012 the country can go through this whole nightmare once again because all those current “Mweshimiwa’s” will have voted themselves for a stonking retirement package, raped the country for as much as they can possibly get away with, achieved nothing with regards to the great poverty divide and any serious land issues, and then they’ll all leg it and leave it to a new bunch of ‘wanna be’s’ to fight it out.

Meanwhile food prices soar and shortages loom worldwide, and with our recent violence and displacement of farmers, these are more threatening to Kenya and the great rich/poor divide than ever before. Yet personally, I haven’t yet heard any talk of what the government may intend on doing about it anytime soon.

Apparently It's all about golf ............

Yesterday was the final day of the 'Tusker Kenya Open Golf Championship', the only gold tournament we have here yearly that is on the international circuit - so quite the big deal for us.

Anyway, it was a rather 'honourable' affair with both Messer’s Kibaki and Odinga showing up to follow the final holes and how jolly cordial it was too (although I’m not sure why anyone couldn’t have provided them both with a peaked cap or a pair of shades?!)

We all know Kibaki is rather fond of the game and apparently some other Kenyans got quite into another type of golf over the past few weeks - although not with the correct etiquette that is expected of golfers generally the world over.

It seems Raila has decided that now he is 'Prime Minister Designate' - perhaps it’s about time he learnt a thing or too about the 'gentlemen's sport'. - Probably because he's just been told that the meaning of the word, (GOLF - Gentlemen only, ladies forbidden), and he's thought it a brilliant plan to get away from his wife for the afternoon. It would certainly explain a lot as to why Kibaki's such a fanatic about the game .......

After the tournament was over Kibaki and Raila both sat together and both gave a small speech. Kibaki started and read from cards as usual and talked of peace and reconciliation, and he didn’t stumble too badly over it which was a bonus (perhaps because the word ‘ethnicity’ was kept out of it for the international audience). Then Raila followed with an amusing tale comparing Kenya to the game of golf and how they took their eye off the ball, landed in the bunker and it has taken the pair of them to get it out ‘using the right club’!

Personally I think he should have used a quote from Robert Lynd ~ It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place this world is when one is playing golf.

The killings here in Kenya haven't gone away and continue sporadically. Just over the last few days at least 10 people have lost their lives. In Laikipia district they say it is all about cattle rustling and in the Burnt Forest area it is still an unsolved land issue, so as the politicians get friendly and have a lovely day out, Kenyans are still practising their pyromaniac skills and houses are burning and lives being lost, and as much as we are discouraged from using the taboo ‘tribal’ word, I do wish someone would talk me through the fact that even the parliamentarians are now on a mission about getting ‘one of their own people’ into the more powerful ministries.

However, one thing that I do personally think is positive is perhaps now that we have one Kikuyu and one Luo at the top end in positions of extreme supremacy, perhaps the untrustworthiness between the tribes may actually turn to benefit Kenyans as surely they will be watching each other very closely to make sure the right thing is seen to be done.

All seems very friendly !

Well, yesterday Parliament was finally opened with some extra pomp and flair and what a jolly friendly affair it turned out to be.


Kibaki arrived in his usual style with red carpets and a jolly long motorcade with roads blocked and traffic tailed back out into the suburbs. Even Raila arrived in a much more dignified manner in his Lexus with the goons in the Navy Mercedes way behind so no chance of them showing him up again!

There was lots of hugging, 'opposition' MP's finally sat together, and there seemed to be a lot of laughter. There was some scheming of course - but that can't be helped I'm sure (- I mean you can only be elected to parliament if you can prove you're totally two faced - I think that's a prerequistite), and of course there was some unofficial closing of the eyes and nodding of the heads as the regulars dropped off to sleep.

Kibaki's speech was all about peace and reconciliation - but the words were written by someone somewhere knowing the International Press would be watching Kibaki yesterday, as the English language used in his speech had lots of jolly big words that Kibaki stammered over (much to the amusement of the Parliament), and at the end of the day - it all sounded like an insincere load of crap actually.

But anyway, we have to hope that whatever the words said, what he meant was "We shall work as a team and put Kenya back onto its feet."

Lucy Kibaki was suspiciously missing from the grand occasion. The official press report says she is at home recovering from an unspecified illness, rumours in the press say she doesn't like Raila's wife and therefore refused to appear and share pleasantries with the women. Personally I think that after the shenanigans of the past couple of months and all the court cases that are now pending against her, I should think our dear President has had quite enough of giving out goats and has had her locked up in a padded room and thrown away the key!!

Anyway today I shall have faith in my country and its new beginnings and shall block the past from my mind ..........
for the next one hour anyway just so that I can relax and have a coffee and think happy thoughts.........
THEN, I shall be back on the warpath. (I hear there's some serious accusations on the BBC about our politicians that I must get round to reading and ripping into.)

Do have a jolly good day yourselves too thinking happy thoughts because its FURIHDAY, thoughts are free and kidding ourselves that life is perfect is a fun thing to do once in a while. It costs nothing and seems to flush out the cobwebs.

As my son told me this morning as I crawled out of my bed with a pounding headache and after no sleep at all as an alarm had been going off continuously all night right outside my bedroom window, save for the couple of minutes every few hours when the guard tried to reset the damn thing, and it stopped briefly;

"Well Mum, at least you had 120 seconds of quiet sometime in the night!"
- He's right, I should be thankful.

Raila's new security detail ....

This was an article in one of our newspapers this morning, which detailed Raila's new found status as "Might be PM if it goes through Parliament Thursday", and his upgraded security detail, and apart from making me think;
"Oh Goody, yet another way for you people to waste my hard earned cash",
it reminded me of the most spectacular performance that I saw last night on the news.



"Raila gets taste of power"

".. the feel of power is already there, with the hawk-eyed security officers drawn from the Recce Unit of the General Service Unit, ".." who dangled from their chase cars in the typical antics they perform when the President arrives for functions."

Well can I tell you, "dangled" was the operative word.

Obviously being new to the power of having '25' Mercedes and '90' highly armed personnel in posh suits following him about, Raila didn't quite carry the whole arrival thing off as slickly as he perhaps should have.

On the news, they showed a video of the arrival of both Kibaki and Raila at Harambee House for their meeting yesterday with the 'full security detail'.

It starts off with Kibaki's motorcade.

First Merc slows down and as it comes to a stop two chaps hop out of the back and then rush back down the line of Mercs and open the door for Kibaki.

Then Raila's turn.

The motorcade appears, navy blue Merc in front as Kibaki's but before the driver has a chance to slow down the back doors fly open and two fellows jump out of the back before the car comes to a standstill. One ends up running off into the car park as he can't stop and the other one nearly falls on his face on the pavement.

I laughed so hard!

I think they forgot to tell the new security detail that those jokers who hang out of the car doors when they are arriving somewhere, do actually wait for it to almost come to a standstill before they hit the ground running !!

Then when Raila was leaving we got a similar cartoon ......

You see that fellow on the left of this picture. Well he misjudged his timing in the whole performance a little.

As the two goons on either side of the Merc jumped into the back seats, the whole motorcade sped up, and the fellow on the left nearly got left behind and had to dive head first into the front seat. It was priceless.

I think they must have missed their lessons in how to get into and out of a moving car without looking completely foolish !!

- Never mind, perhaps if they're lucky and ask nicely, Najib Balala (from the 'Pentagon' team who rode to the venue with Raila), will give them a few tips as I must say I did notice how well he hopped out of the back of the Lexus !!

............ Probably because he waited for it to STOP - You never know!

I think GADO read my mind !

This is the cartoon by 'Gado' in The Daily Nation this morning.
It sums up what worries me rather a lot.
Is this really the 'change' we were expecting?,
and is it the change that we really wanted?
- Shared parliaments, no opposition, and more ministries created to satisfy the power hungry and share the wealth amongst the elected big wigs?
What happened to the average Kenyan who was promised a new life if he cast his vote appropriately?

I do hope to god that it all works out.

I do suppose we have no choice but to stick with George Michael;

"'Cause I gotta have faith ........... !"

- I would have like to have given you a bit of hip swinging as well to go with the song, but you'll have to forgive me as I'm afraid I'm a little creaky this morning after overdoing it at last weeks celebratory dancing session !

Talks have NOT collapsed BUT they have been suspended .....

Hmmmmm ......
Sorry, but what the f*** does that mean?


Kofi: "I'm suspending these talks and shall now directly engage Kibaki and Raila to find a way forward and speed up the finding of a solution to this crisis."

ODM: "It's not our fault the talks have stalled, it's their fault."

PNU: "No, No, you've been pushing and pushing. It's your fault, not ours!"



The International community has threatened 'serious actions' against the country yet again, and Mutula Kilonzo has responded with "This is a Kenyan problem that will be sorted by Kenyans and we do not need to be pressured by anyone on the outside."

He might as well have said "Up yours Condi and friends, we can f*** this up perfectly well on our own without you pushing us thank you."

Personally I have absolutely nothing to add as it has become far too depressing for more words, and on the evening news, they are going with;

"Let's have a big discussion about how horribly, horribly wrong it will all go if the talks fail."

Smashing peeps, thanks for that. Think I might pass and have an early night instead if you don't mind.

Is this what Kenyans are reduced to?

Found this picture in one of our local dailies this morning with this caption;

“A man having fun at the Thompson Falls in Nyahururu yesterday. The falls attract many tourists but has in recent weeks recorded low numbers of visitors. The drop has been attributed to post-election violence.”

So there you go folks, just shows there’s bugger all news to report and Kenyans have nothing better to do than practice their levitating skills and hope someone takes a picture and puts it in the paper to waste some space!

Just to prove how far we haven’t got with these discussions, this is a little excerpt taken from the leading story in The Daily Nation newspaper this morning; “Kibaki’s proposals on how to end poll crisis” as how they all stand as of yesterday.

“According to a statement by the Presidential Press Service, the President was willing to work together and share responsibilities in Government with members of the ODM. The President, however, cautioned that any political solution that will be proposed must be in tandem with the current constitution.

………………………….

The Government side, which was expected to table its written proposal of a coalition government in which President Kibaki retained his positions as the Head of Government and Head of State with a readiness to appoint a non-executive Prime Minister, came up with a different suggestion.

They submitted that President Kibaki was declared the winner of the 2007 Presidential elections and sworn in office according to the Constitution and should be recognised by ODM as the legitimate winner of the polls.

...........................................

Now we’re going to have a little challenge.

Who can spot the difference between what is being said as of yesterday and what was being said 6 weeks ago when this row all kicked off and our country was put into this political stalemate?

Anyone who can find a difference deserves a fat reward, (not of course from me, as I, as usual, am totally broke and the 57/= that I have in the bank currently will not get you much further than buying yourself a packet of chewing gum – well perhaps of course not quite a whole packet as that would be 60/= but almost a packet of chewing gum).

But back to the point – what have these negotiating teams actually achieved, and does anyone know if Kofi Annan is perhaps looking for a house to buy so he can settle in Kenya for the next 5 years whilst he sorts this out, as he’s promised not to leave us in the lurch?

I only hope he didn’t have his fingers crossed behind his back when he made that promise.

Summary of Ms Rice's trip.

Well, there we have it .....

Condi came, Condi saw and Condi demanded that this whole mess be sorted yesterday.

The government said 'Nice legs, Condi, but we ain't doing anything that's not in our current constitution.', summed up here nicely in the New York Times, by the delectable Mrs Karua;-

“We will not bow down to dictation,” Martha Karua, the minister of justice and constitutional affairs, said in an interview Monday night, after sitting in on a two-hour meeting between Ms. Rice and President Mwai Kibaki “We can listen to all our friends. We can engage with them. But the decision ultimately will be ours.”

and the ODM camp said; "Lovely hair do, I'll have my wife talk to you for some tips."

Condi replied "If you sort it quickly boys, the US of A will give you lots and lots of cash!", and "Can you please play nicely."

Kibaki said; "Nice legs, but I'm not relinquishing power to anyone honey!"

Raila said; "Stuff this for a laugh, you're just a 'mama' for goodness sake, let me call Gaddafi!"

You'd think listening to all this rubbish that we hadn't got anywhere at all in the past 6 weeks .... "Oh, I see, apparently we haven't!"

Oh, For F***’s Sake !

Sorry for the outburst here but it’s all I could say to sum up the weekend’s news.
Listen to this;

FRIDAY 8th FEBRUARY

Deal will create joint government in Kenya

Kenya's ruling party and opposition have agreed to form a power-sharing government in an effort to end weeks of bloodshed that have engulfed the country since a deeply flawed election, an opposition lawmaker said Friday.

Former U.N. leader Kofi Annan will lead the talks to forge a unified government in Kenya.

The two sides were still discussing who would lead the government and what roles each party would play, said William Ruto, a lawmaker from the opposition Orange Democratic Movement.

"We have finally agreed that there is a problem in the country and neither side can proceed on its own," Ruto said. "We have agreed to form a joint government. Details of that government, its time and how to share it are under discussions."

Ok, so then we went “Woo Hoo” and did a little jolly jig about the room, but then;

SATURDAY 9th FEBRUARY

Don’t rush into power sharing, Kalonzo warns

Vice-President Kalonzo Musyoka has said the government was committed to the ongoing dialogue, but warned against rushing into a power-sharing agreement.

Mr Musyoka, who was speaking in Nairobi after arriving from a four-day visit to the US and Britain, said that a power-sharing agreement may not necessarily deal with the causes of the current crisis.

The VP asserted that the government is negotiating in good faith, but added that the political solution being sought must address issues such as who really won the election, and may also need to provide a legal solution.

So the jig slowed and we went “Eh, er, what on earth does he mean?”, and then Sunday’s paper’s came out and we had;

SUNDAY 10th FEBRUARY

We will stop at nothing but the presidency, says Pentagon

ODM has reaffirmed its commitment to the ongoing mediation but declared it would go for nothing short of the presidency.

Party leader, Mr Raila Odinga, led 43 MPs in stating they would not relent in efforts to capture the presidency, which was allegedly stolen from them.

Speaking during the burial of the slain former Ainamoi MP, David Kimutai Too, in Kericho District, on Saturday, the MPs reiterated their commitment to the mediation talks.

They also said they would not betray the trust Kenyans have entrusted on them.

"We have accepted to talk with PNU but we assure our supporters we will not settle for a solution that betrays their cause," Raila said.

He said ODM was aware that millions of Kenyans who voted for him and the party MPs would not accept to be short-changed by PNU in the talks.

Raila also urged Kenyans to give Mr Kofi Annan’s team a chance to resolve the political crisis.
He added that Kibaki and other PNU leaders were resisting pressure to relinquish power which, he said, they acquired illegally.

"If Kenyans managed to successfully fight the British Empire and freed the country from the colonial yoke, Kibaki and his foot soldiers will be defeated and when all is settled, this whole thing will look like a storm in a tea cup," he said.

Raila also said normalcy would not return unless justice was done, adding that mediation efforts should be based on peace and justice.

Ruto said nothing would stop ODM and its followers from getting justice.

"Change comes through struggle and ODM supporters should not relent in their fight for their deserved victory," said the Eldoret North MP.

He said they adequately represented ODM supporters at the Kofi Annan-led mediation talks. He assured that the party would have a say in the final decision.

But, but, but, I'm sorry are these the same people talking here? Did I completely miss a memo somewhere that says "Say one thing to the press and another to Mr Annan, and things will be marvellous and squishy and don't worry about a thing, we are so sorting it here!"

Do we look like complete morons ?

I'm afraid I'm going to have to stick with my hero Mr Annan and ignore the bloody lot of them until someone says something that might just be put into writing and might actually be taken seriously! Until then I'm going to put my dark glasses on, read nothing, put my fingers in my ears and go "LA LA LA LA" really really loud!

Of course with my big mouth, I couldn't possibly say nothing.

In fact just to start off with the "La, La, La" stories, I've got a good one for you;

You remember the fellow Imanyara who got into a spot of bother with the dear lady Lucy Kibaki, who by the way, did not shoot her son Jimmy in the foot - apparently - Mmm, OK Jimmy, that's cool.

Well, according the Meru elders from Immanyara's tribe, who held a bit of a pow wow over the whole thing, they have asked that Immanyara hold off from his court case for the minute and let the elders deal with the nonsense in their tribal traditions.

Well that means, they are going to call on Mr. Kibaki at State House and demand that he pays them one goat for not controlling his missus. In their tradition, it is very 'unbecoming' of a woman to be going round throwing punches - whether they land or not, they add - and it is up to the husband of said woman to pay the consequences, therefore they would like Mr. Kibaki to hand over one goat forthwith! If he refuses to see the elders or to hand over said goat, then apparently Immanyara is free to go ahead with his court case with the full permission of the Meru elders!

Good luck with the goat Lucy ! He He !

The future of Kenya sits on Kofi Annan's shoulders.

It all looks fairly worrying for Mr Annan I'm afraid. This is the front page headline in one of our local dailies today, The Standard, plus a small extract from the article;


"Disputed election too hot for rivals to handle

Finally, the hotly disputed presidential votes tally, responsible for the post-election falling out which touched off mayhem on a scale never witnessed before in independent Kenya, found its way to the mediation talks table.

They began on the presidential election dispute by looking at the state of affairs now and how to resolve the problem. Proper talks, however, begin today.

Like hot bricks, ODM is said to have dropped the matter of the allegedly stolen presidential election complete with alleged evidence and a raft of demands for electoral reforms.

Sources also intimated that the issue of a transitional government briefly featured, forcing an immediate stalemate.

For the first time, the two teams ate lunch separately."

Now ask me how I'm feeling today after reading this? ...
No, you're right - don't bother. I think I am beyond depression and just feel numb with despair.

Absolutely everyone is already talking about Annan's mediation in a way that sounds like they're giving up hope that it will work on the one hand, and on the other they all seem to be saying If Annan gives up or leaves us now, there will be outright civil war here in Kenya.

Old Kofi was looked incredibly stressed when I saw him being interviewed by the press last night, but I'm not surprised. The whole world's eyes are firmly focused on him now, and have rested the future of Kenya on his shoulders. I bet he wishes he stayed in his bed with that flu after all and hadn't bothered to come here in the first place.

Now he has got into talking about the real reason they are all there - the disputed election - all the parties sitting around the table have turned from pussy cats into raging bulls and there seems that there will be no let up by either side.

Outside of the talks the government is pretending everything is just 'hunky dory' and obviously feel if they can keep the pretense on for long enough, the rest of Kenya will be bored of it all and just give up and leave Kibaki be. Personally I think this would be a huge mistake for Kenya and its democracy. I don't believe in taking sides but I do believe that everyone has a right to be heard and curretnly the government (who cannot give security to anyone at all in Kenya right now) is not listening to anyone and for that they are wrong. I am not saying they must agree or disagree but they must at least give people a chance and these fake talks are just that - fake.

I think Raila is right when he says that the government, and especially Kibaki, is not taking these talks seriously at all, and I think the government is just partaking in order to pacify us Kenyans. But really, does he think we do not have brains and cannot think for ourselves. I do understand Kenyans are tired of fighting and are so keen to have this whole situation resolved but can that ever happen now with all the hate stirred up to such an extent.

I read something recently that said that perhaps Kenyans had always harboured this hatred and it just took this spark to ignite it all. I think they are right to a small extent as the majority of Kenyans had always had different feelings towards different tribes but I'm not sure that 'hatred' is the right word. It is just like in Great Britain where you have the Irish, Scottish, Welsh and English, but does it mean that absolutely hate each other - even though they have some cracking jokes against one another. However, it wasn't that long ago that they were battling so perhaps we are not so incredibly 'backward' as the first world likes to think. Don't forget we are behind in most of the education, technology, etc that the first world has to offer, but isn't that the whole point here - do Kenyans not also deserve to find a way to get to that same place? And is not the key to that place DEMOCRACY?

I would love to hear others views on this. I don't need a bunch of 'hate speech' because I shall most definitely delete it, but I would like to know what people really think of these discussions and who do we really want as our President right now. Is it still Raila or Kibaki, or perhaps Kofi Annan would be a better bet as he's completely impartial. Perhaps another Kenyan such as Marende - the speaker for parliament - who although he was an ODM MP, from what little I have seen of him since he was voted in as speaker, he did seem to speak as the independant that he has been supposedly voted in to be - but is he really? I don't know. What do you think?

If I get a lot of responses to this BIG question - I might set up a forum to which we can all contribute - or is there one already set up somewhere to which we can all be directed? I really think intelligent opinions of what Kenyans, or anyone else with a genuine interest in what happens to Kenya, really think could perhaps be forwarded to the mediators in case Mr Annan does bail on us, or just because I think they should perhaps know what the 'real' Kenyan thinks, not just the big wigs and the 'bags of money' CEO's with big business interests who, don't ever forget, will always have an alternative place to go and live, unlike the rest of us who have no choice but to stay in this our beloved home country of Kenya, and want to live once again in a land of peace and unity without fear.

It's time to look beyond Kenya today ....

Here is a small sample of our local daily headlines;

"Residents distress cry as blood spills on the mountain side"
"Road blocks manned by murderous gangs"
"More property burnt in border chaos"
"Food shortages as fleeing families crowd camps"
"Militia rules Mt Elgon"
"Man killed in attack raid at trading centre"
"Kenya Red Cross say more than 1,000 people killed in post-election crisis"


- and sadly, this has been the same for the last one month, but then I logged onto the BBC website to see if perhpas they may have cheerier news across the seas and boy do they .....
Well, well, look at this ;


High heels 'may improve sex life'
Wearing higher heels - may improve your pelvic floor muscles and in doing so boost your sex life, a study suggests.


and .......

Pelvic floor exercises 'help men too'

Pelvic floor exercises have long been recommended for women - now researchers say they could help men too.

The exercises were found to help men with erectile dysfunction as much as taking in Viagra.

Well people how terrific is that? Best we get the Honorable Mwai Kibaki and his rival, the Honorable Raila Odinga into a pair of high heels sharpish as they always say a distinct lack of sex makes men incredibly grumpy, so this must surely be the key. Boost their sex lives and then they will become much more agreeable.

I'll just nip down to the Nairobi Serena Hotel and let Mr Annan know that they should all be tarting round in heels, get themselves a little more sex, a little less viagra, and we could all live happily ever after.

Oh yes, yes, yes, I am so excited - i'm off to choose for them .......





Now I think Kibaki will look fab in these.












And these will go perfectly with Raila's ODM colours don't you think ........

The whole of Kenya sits in despair

I sit here in my office trying desperately hard to focus on the computer screen through watery eyes and a pounding head.

Turns out I’ve got a touch of flu – not the 'Man Flu’ kind that would have me huddling under my duvet sipping hot tea, but the ‘Womanly’ type which means I’ve taken some dawa (medicine to the rest of you), and am sipping lemon and honey tea at my desk during my lunch hour, after dropping my son at school, accomplishing a full mornings work, and and all the rest of my single working mother duties. (Eat your heart out Kofi !)

Sadly there is no news from our end. All is quiet outside. (By the way, when I say ‘quiet’, I mean no gunshots or marauding protesters). We have heard nothing on the local news apart from in Eldoret where the hospitals are now paralysed as the majority of the doctors and nurses have fled for their own safety and the few remaining staff are totally overwhelmed and unable to cope. I’m sure this scene is consistent throughout most of the Rift Valley and Western Kenya by now.

The local media is full of ‘ancestral homes‘ and ‘ethnic origins’ and the words ‘tribe’, ‘tribal’ and ‘tribalism’ seem to have been banned from the pages under the suspicions of inciting violence.

The international media seems to think that the Kikuyu’s – Kibaki’s tribe – are the main victims in all of this but I’m afraid people they are very wrong, ALL Kenyans are the victims.

In the central provinces (which is Kibaki strongholds), they've hardly had a mention, as things seem to be fairly calm there and there seems to be less murder and burning of property as in other areas, but there is still ethnic cleansing going on. All non-Kikuyu’s have been driven out of their homes in fear and are living in police station compounds all over Central Kenya, and those that try desperately hard to stay on in their homes and ignore the threats cannot survive as everyone boycotts their business and refuses to sell them food to eat, so they have no choice but to join the others in the camps.

So even without the horrific violence, there are many thousands of other Kenyans just living with threats hanging over their heads, and looking around the Western regions and seeing the death and destruction, can they even dream of trying to ‘hang in there’ when those are the same threats they are faced with?

If Kibaki’s government is really a legitimate government in all this, why is not protecting Kenyans? He seems to be doing fine in State House there, with his god knows how many fenced and guarded acres of land around him but what of the 36 Million + other people living in this country, can we really say we feel safe in our houses at night – that is of course if we are still lucky enough to have a roof over our head. What is this government exactly doing for us? It certainly does not seem to be protecting its citizens in any form at all and why is it now being seen as biased towards certain tribes, er sorry, “ethnic origins” is what I meant ( – we’ve gone off the word ‘tribe’ remember!)

Depending which district the police are operating in depends on how much force they are willing to use (translate that as how many live rounds they should fire directly at the people). But this has become a Catch 22 situtation as now the police have actually become targets in certain areas of the country, especially after the MP Mr Too was killed by a policeman after being involved in a tragic ‘love triangle’.

Now that the police have lost control, our country is being ruled entirely by gangs and gang culture is the only thing keeping half the wanainchi alive ironically.

You pay some thug to guarantee your safety from the main road where the bus drops you off up to your house. You pay another thug so that you can sleep through the night knowing your home won’t be torched before morning. You pay again whilst you go to work to make sure your house is safe from looters ‘shopping’ throughout the day, and you even pay an excess on your bus fare as the buses coming into your area of town have to pay a toll to gangs of thugs at makeshift roadblocks and so therefore the bus drivers pass that cost onto you.

I certainly do not wish to come across as partial to one party or the other, I just want to make a point that a lot of the international press are missing that it is not only the people in the Rift Valley and Western Kenya that are suffering through all this, every single Kenyans life is in torment in some form or another.

But is this really a life – or is this just some kind of sick existence ?

And here's a slight update I have just been sent through my SMS right now from Nation Media: South Africa's RAMAPHOSA withdraws from Annan team after Government side rejects him.

- so there's a smashing start to our week then!

Perhaps it's all a conspiracy theory after all...

Nothing makes sense any more. The leaders are talking, (well when it's not the weekend of course, or time for tea or lunch, or any other excuse from breaking up the meeting of telling lies to each other just to keep Mr. Annan happy), and yet it seems, we are really going nowhere fast.

The media reported on Friday; "Annan Team pledges end to violence in 7 days", but by today, they've gone back to "Ethnic clashes are continuing in Western Kenya, where tribal rivalry has stoked mob attacks, even after the country's opposing political forces reached an agreement", and "Kenya's Rift Valley burns despite talks of peace", and "Militiamen armed with clubs, sharpened sticks and machetes patrolled roads in Kenya's Rift Valley on Sunday, while scores of people fled."

So in a gallant effort to steer myself away from the continuously depressing local news I did a bit of surfing of the web, and much to my delight, actually came across a theory that looks quite plausible to our very own crisis at home.


"According to BBC Reporter David Icke, reptilian humanoids are the force behind a worldwide conspiracy directed at manipulation and control of humanity. He contends that most of the world's leaders, from William Jefferson Clinton, Hillary Rodham Clinton, Barack Obama and George W. Bush to members of the British royal family, are in fact related to the 7-foot (2.1 m) tall, blood-drinking reptilians from the star system Alpha Draconis.

According to an interview with David Icke, Christine Fitzgerald, a confidante of the late Diana, Princess of Wales, claims that Diana told her that the Royal Family were reptilian aliens, and that they could shapeshift. David Icke and others have claimed that U.S. President George W. Bush and his family are part of this same bloodline. "

Well, of course, that's it!

Turns out our very own Mr. Kibaki and Mr. Odinga are probably just reptilian beings from some star-system or other and keep shapeshifting from nice guy politicians to machete wielding marauding gangsters in their spare time in order to take over the minds and bodies of all Kenyans and ship them back to the planet NARC.

That would make perfect sense of splitting all the ethnic groups up and transporting them into IDP camps, so they'll be easier to pick up en masse. And then once the two aliens have completely destroyed our beautiful country, trashed its economy and ostracised all of its people, they can ship in a bunch of jolly green giants and they'd all live happily ever after in the battered, burnt out lunar landscape that will be all that is left behind if we keep this up.

Sorry about all this. I think all the stress and complete unknown of what on earth to expect tomorrow is catching up with me and I am slowly, but very surely, losing what little sanity I had left to lose. I do hope there's at least a spare space at Mathare Mental Hospital for me - I don't mind sharing a bed if I have to.

The 4 point peace plan according to Mr Annan

Before I start my post today will all those reading this, please place their tongues firmly in their cheeks before I begin (or you just won’t get my points, and I could get arrested!)

Well Kofi Annan did his bit of mediation yesterday with the ‘Big 6’ (3 from each sides of the opposition), and said that they had an agreed an AGENDA !

Whoopee and well done boys (and girls). That’s only taken you the best part of this week – best you take the weekend off don’t you think – Oh you will, OK then don’t mind us whilst everyone gets on with a spot of lynching, shooting, hacking, looting and burning then!

Funnily enough, that is what’s been going on for most of our Saturday in and around Western Kenya. So far I’ve heard of at least four killed and hundreds of homes burnt up in the Western areas around Eldoret and Kericho, and yet another few hundred people are now displaced.

So how exactly has Mr Annan helped us so far?

Well, it seems the agenda is a four-point plan (or a 44 point plan if you listen to the latest media reports, but I'll go with the 4),with short-term and long-term issues that need to be sorted. The short term ones are;

First is to take ‘immediate action’ to stop the violence and restore fundamental rights and liberties – these include the right to life (which is always a bit of a bonus), the freedom of the press in their reporting of events (which would be nice as perhaps less rumour mongering would be in order), and the right of assembly (which may mean we’re in for a spot more rallying which will be smashing – literally probably!)
But here’s the first catch. I never realised ‘immediate action’ would mean, well lets have the weekend and a bit of time out seeing as we worked for a whole 10 hours yesterday so we need at least 48 off for good behaviour, and we’ll return Monday after both parties have battered each other with more abuse and more innocent Kenyans are robbed and killed, and then we can settle down with a cup of coffee and get back to business.

Secondly is ‘immediate measures’ – of course you know what they mean by ‘immediate’, it’s as explained above – is to address the humanitarian crisis. Of course, those IDPs (internally displaced people for those of you new to this humanitarian speak, which I was actually before the beginning of January 2008!), can just starve a little longer whilst the Red Cross struggles with security on the roads trying their damndest to help to feed, clothe and give these people shelter. But not to worry, as we highlighted earlier, we’ll be back to the cozy boardroom in the Serena Hotel with our coffee and biscuits working on that, first thing Monday.

Thirdly on the four-point agenda is how to overcome the political crisis.

Ah, now this one could be slightly trickier seeing as Kibaki has just told the African Union conference that basically Raila can ‘get stuffed’ if he thinks he’s going to get any kind of justice with regards to the election because of course Kibaki says that he won fair and square and if Raila has an issue with that, then best he gets himself down to those law courts and have that smashing bunch of chaps that he personally appointed as judges, sort it out.

And the last agenda point concerned long term issues such as unemployment, poverty and land reforms.

The mediation team (or ‘facilitation’ team as Kibaki insists it is), have all assured us that the first three points in this agenda will be resolved between 7 and 15 days from the start of the dialogue on January 28th. So seeing as we’ve had lots of time off and now a bit of a weekend, in my book we are supposed to be looking at things being sorted starting Monday the 4th February (which already looks completely unlikely as they will only just be getting stuck back into the coffee and biccies by then back in the boardroom), and Monday 11th February.

– so perhaps they best they stop faffing about and get on with it wouldn’t you say?!?!?!

Calm is a strange thing ....

So far today, there has been no news alerts, security alerts or anything else and it's almost 11.00 in the morning - it's really very exciting actually.

There is a strange unease in the air - as we just don't seem to be used to this calm, and by now have usually heard of some trouble somewhere in the country kicking off by this time of the morning.

I do hope we can do a whole 24 hours like this - that would be a first for a while and would be extremely welcome. So many people are homeless as tribe has gone against tribe, neighbour against neighbour, just because of the difference in their names. The red cross has been struggling to get up to the likes of the more North Western regions because of the continuous trouble on the roads, so lets hope that today is the day they get lucky and get some aid up those ways.

Yesterday, after the little get together of the warring parties and the mediator Kofi Annan, they all stood about for a spot of tea and a small relaxed chat. Jolly good show, you'd say, but actually the fact that Raila and Kibaki could not look each other in the eye was really quite telling, and when Kofi Annan insisted they shook hands for all the jolly nice press people who'd turned up, the look on their faces said it all.

Joseph King'ang'i had it so right on the Classic FM breakfast show he's on in the morning with Maina Kageni. He said you could imagine Raila saying; "Lete mkono haraka!", (Bring your hand quickly!) and Kibaki saying "W aaa c h aaaa, W aaa c h aaaa!" (Leave it, Leave it!)

He said if they had had to shake hands for more than the one minute that they did, bones would have been broken. It was not a handshake as more of a gripping contest!

Conjecture from the Mzungu Chick

There is of course much speculation all over with regards to the violence we are experiencing here in Kenya, and seeing as we’re all going in for a bit of conjecture, I thought I’d add my own in too as I’ve been thinking about exactly this for ages.

I had a comment on a recent post that said that if the elections had been completely transparent then this violence would not have happened at all, and another train of thought is that this violence is tribal and has been simmering for years and has now erupted into what we are experiencing now.

Personally I think both views hold some truth in them.

I do believe that this current outbreak of tribal violence that we are seeing right now would not have started if the elections had been seen to be free, fair and totally transparent. This certainly did not happen and although it was all geared to go that way, with all of the big media houses having agents all around the country who were ringing in the results as they were provisionally released at a constitutional level, they seemed to be keeping a running tally that showed Raila with a large lead on the first day of counting with a slimmer lead on the second day when the Central province results were coming in (which is as expected), but they still had Raila in the lead until people started getting excited about the process taking so long and not all of the official results being released at the ECK tallying with the ones being provisionally released at provincial level.

That was then the media seemed to stop releasing results. In some provinces came allegations of rigging and some trouble which caused them to stop counting altogether. Then there was the closed door overnight retallying that took place with representatives of both Raila and Kibaki’s party, and although there were still questions there, it seems Samuel Kivuitu, the Chairman of the ECK, (or so he said and then later retracted), was pressurised into releasing a result, and was told what he would release, and it didn’t correspond to anything that the media had been collating along the way.

Just before Kivuitu announced the ‘final’ tally of the Presidential results, all of the media was thrown out of the KICC, which was at the time, the Electoral Commissions headquarters. John Muchuki, who was the former Internal Security Minister, had issued a written order to shut down all TV and radio stations in the country which was not acted against, although the live broadcast ban came into affect and is still in situ today, although it has been blatantly flouted a few times in the past couple of days by some of the TV stations and to no consequence to them.

Now the violence that is currently gripping this country is, whether we like it or not, tribal conflict. It is tribe against tribe, and I think the reason we are in shock here is that we have never before seen this tribal violence spread from the villages where in some areas it has been a constant threat long before these elections. What I think we are amazed by is that it has spread into major towns where various different ethnic tribes have lived in peace for many years, but ultimately, it has become a question of perceived inequality between the tribes, that has simmered under the surface for many years.

Nick Wadhams, a journalist based here in Nairobi, has written this post today

http://nwadhams.typepad.com/nwadhams/2008/01/age-old-rivalri.html

outlining most of this and, like he says, tribal conflict and electoral violence has been going on for years and is not new to us. What is new to us though is this targeting of the large towns in all this, starting with Kisumu, spreading to Eldoret – which then the government thought be removing all the Kikuyu’s from that town it would ease the tension. But surely it has done the opposite, who should decide that one tribe should move and why the Kikuyu’s? Now the Kikuyu’s want revenge and they are taking it out on the other tribes in Nakuru which is where they were taken and where now they must hold a majority. Today this has spread down as far as Naivasha, and here in Nairobi it has been going on within the slums sporadically throughout the past four weeks.

As references in Nick Wadhams post says, Kikuyu’s are perceived as to have taken the lions share over the past few years with a Kikuyu in charge in the form of Kibaki, and the Luo’s now feel it is their turn to garner some of this wealth and have their people in power and reap some of these rewards. Because of the way the final results in the Presidential election were released in such a clandestine manner, and the fact that up until that point, the media had Raila leading the race. Of course the people who voted for Raila feel cheated, and that means it has turned into a war of Luo vs. Kikuyu with all the other tribes taking their sides as per how the majority of their tribesmen were perceived to have voted.

One thing is, that a lot of people are tending to ignore at this stage, is that some of this violence had already broken out before the results were announced in Western Kenya which tells me that the Luo’s thought they had won and the looting and chaos that erupted in Kisumu started with those people trying to get a head start on the wealth that they felt was coming to them with a Raila win. People were then killed when the police opened fire as they could not control the situation any more. Perhaps if Raila had then been declared the winner and would have been then in charge of the police, it may be that people would have let those police killings go, as it has happened many times before. As Kibaki won, it was then seen that those police were acting directly on Kibaki’s orders and then it became a case of Kikuyu’s (as the police, no matter what tribe they actually were from, were in Kibaki’s hands in their opinion, so therefore acting on behalf of a Kikuyu,) vs. the other tribes.

What this shows is that having a President of whatever tribe giving out various government posts and therefore (how it generally ends up), unequal distribution of funds to his cronies, certain tribes feel missed out in this distribution of wealth and this has to change before we will ever get anywhere surely.

It most definitely ends up being all about money and who benefits. Whatever they decide to do and however it is done, the most important thing in all this is that a long term plan of sorting out this incredible inequality between Kenyans needs to be most definitely be on top of the agenda. And whatever is done, it must be done so in a totally transparent way, so that Kenyans can feel that those big wigs are actually thinking of them and not just themselves, as per usual.

Which way forward for Kenya?

Every day we wake up, we have to have some kind of optimism deep in our hearts that makes us want to drag ourselves out of bed and continue with this endless uncertainty that we have to live with, as it seems we no longer have a clue what each day may bring.

Just Thursday I met up with one of ex-staff who lives in Nakuru and when I asked her if everything was ok up her way, she said “Yes, she was very well, and where she lives they had had no trouble at all and it was only further north from her where things were bad.” Imagine what it was like for her waking up Friday morning, luckily still in Nairobi, but to hear that total mayhem had broken out in her home town and that she no longer had a home to return to.

One of my regular readers has his parents and younger sisters living in Nakuru town and had been trying all day Friday to get in touch with them but to no avail and was in turmoil. He finally got hold of his father and he left me this comment this afternoon that I hope he doesn’t mind that I share with you all as it really tells you what exactly is happening on the ground in Nakuru right now;

“nakuru is in a bad way. what people saw is scary. what they didn't is scarier i am told. mungiki have been sent up there to revenge. the luo and luhya are joining up with kalenjin militia(yes that word) who now have AKs and have also descended on the city. that i am told is the reason the army is out there. So both groups proceeded to wreck havoc in their tried and tested modus operandi…mungiki decapitating people in the town centre and kalenjins burning perceived kikuyu estates to flush out kyuks who were then either stoned, shot at with arrows and AKs. The one difference is the estates that were wiped out-bangladesh and githima (near total junction) are lower middle class estates. So it’s not just a slum problem as in nbi. and far as I know there are lots of asians in the former and lots of non kyuks in the latter-just collateral damage I suppose. where my parents live most of our neighbours are kyuks. Sitting ducks? needless to say my dad and us out here are kinda scared but we’ll keep praying.”

(To fill you in a little here to explain some of what he has been told – ‘mungiki’ are a Kikuyu gang that is well known for murder, extortion and racketeering, and ‘kyuks’ is the sheng name for the Kikuyu tribe of people.)

Kofi Annan went out early this morning and flew over the Nakuru, Eldoret and Molo areas in the western regions of Kenya where there has been the most trouble. He held a press conference when he got back into Nairobi and said he was heartbroken by what he saw. He said there were “gross and systematic human rights abuses” and he urged the government “to do all it can to increase security and ensure those responsible for perpetuating these acts are held to account.” He also asked the government to seek redress for the victims of this violence, compensate them and assist them to return to their homes. (All great ideas but surely we need to know which direction is forward first?)

On Thursday when Kofi Annan finally got Kibaki and Raila to meet face to face, I understand that one of the only things they really all agreed on was that the force used by the police in order to try and quell this violence was excessive. I now hear that in Nakuru the residents were complaining that the police did nothing to help save their homes and their people but just stood by and watched.

The thing is that, although I am certainly not endorsing the way the police have been reacting to try and control the violence that has been going on, I’m not really sure what they are now expected to do in these situations. I totally agree that in the beginning when there were protests, they really where mainly peaceful and I do believe the police did most definitely fire live rounds unnecessarily and innocent people lost their lives when they certainly shouldn’t have. But now this is completely different surely. I understand from a friend’s driver the other day who was in a bus being escorted by police, that when they were attacked by a mob of about 200 wielding machetes and bows and arrows, even when the police opened fire on them, they couldn’t care less and just kept running at them and actually hacked to death two passengers before the bus could get away.

So now the police are afraid to open fire, tear gas does nothing to disperse these people as they have all learnt that (apparently – please do NOT try this at home), if you put Vicks Vapour Rub under your eyes, it combats the effects of the tear gas, if they use their batons to beat anyone, chances are if they are that close to these perpetrators, they will be hacked to death or shot with a poisoned arrow, so how on earth do they stop this continuous murder?

What slightly worries me also, although I should probably not let thoughts like this come out of my head, lest they come true, but surely not all of the police force or army voted Kibaki for President, and if that is the case, there must be some disgruntlement within the ranks of who is right and who is wrong in all of this. Now if those who do disagree get together and fight back, what happens then?

Goodness I should stop all this speculating and not let these thoughts escape from the recesses of my brain, but hey if I can’t tell you lot, who can I say it to?

Please always remember that whatever I write here is just what I hear and what I think and I cannot verify anything apart from what I have seen with my own eyes (as I’m not sure the press always get its 100% either). It is entirely my own opinion and you may agree or disagree as you wish as I would like to say that as Kenyans, we shall live in a democracy no matter what these b…….s do to us!

Whatever you can do, I can do better.

Well after a whole 24 hours of not a single tear gas canister being fired – in the centre of Nairobi anyhow – there was a turn of events. Not a good one sadly, although the angel Annan is expected to land any time now so perhaps he will be a small light in a dark place (not sure I’m convinced but I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt for now and at least give him a chance to open his mouth). But today the PNU supporters decided it was far too quiet for their liking and seeing as it seems the ODM supporters seem to have gone back to work today, well then now it must be their turn surely for a spot of demonstrating – I mean, at the end of the day we are all fighting for democracy aren’t we, and we don’t want those Ninja Turtles getting too comfy sitting about in their posh padded outfits, best put them to good use - so they took to the streets.

PNU supporters today demonstrated about the ODM demonstrators demonstrating.
Er – Work that one out! ‘

All answers on a postcard to;

“What on earth were they thinking”,
Democracy Headquarters,
Parliament Building,
Nairobi City Centre.

Well, once the PNU supporters had had their say and a few cans of tear gas and a volley of bullets fired at them, they dispersed in order for all the newly sworn in Members of Parliament to be able to get down to the cash office to pick up their small salaries and allowances that they were ‘due’ for January.

Seeing as they actually had to attend parliament for the one whole day this month, and admittedly a long day, especially if your name began with something like ‘Y’ as they swore the MP’s in, in alphabetical order and the last ones were still going through the motions at 1.30 in the morning. And naturally we completely understand that during that 12 hours of so that they had to sit in ‘the house’, they did actually have to get off their backsides at least 4 times for a bit of a vote, oh and then of course the one time they had to go and swear in to a government that none of them seem to believe in, and yes, all the shouting that had to be done as well.

But it’s OK people, you take the full January salary for that one day as we completely understand what a incredibly stressful day it was for you all, so best you have Kshs 300,000/- as your basic salary just for being so, well, er, basic really, and then realising that can’t possibly keep you in the manner in which you wish to become accustomed, well then you can get yourself another 60,000/- for entertainment, 70,000/- for your rent, 250,000/- for vehicle maintenance (as of course we realise how much those damn helicopter spare parts can be), 40,000/- committee attendance allowance (whatever that is), and another 50,000/- constituency allowance.

Then of course in case the 750,000/- or so is not enough don’t you worry about a thing because there’s another 3.3Million shillings loan standing by for you so that you can buy that flash Mercedes you’ve always fancied, and then of course another 10Million, available for a house, all interest free obviously.

(By the way the shilling hangs out around 65 to the US dollar these days so we’re talking a salary of around US$11,500 or so with US$50,000 for the car loan and just over US$150,000 for the house loan.)

No wonder there is (so far anyway – likely to be many more before the end of the week) cases already in court where MP’s are challenging constituency election results, I mean with that sort of money at stake, monthly ………..

Sorry, just realised I’ve got to rush ………….
- Did I not tell you I was disputing the MP’s seat for the “MyGodThat’sALotOfCash” constituency………
I must get to court!