Kenya's by-election results

Good Morning Viewers ......

Sorry to disappoint you but I am still here and still have lots to say!!

As you may (or may not) know, we had some few by-elections yesterday of which the results are being released as we speak.

Sadly, because of the demise of two prominent members of parliament being killed in the tragic accident on Tuesday afternoon, it seems that, unsurprisingly, voters were kind of dejected, and voter turn out was quiet and numbers reported low.

Anyway today it seems in great Kenyan traditional electioneering spirit, things are livening up especially in the Kilgoris constituency - which is not entirely unexpected, that's for sure. It was always a tribal contest from the beginning with the most prominent two contestants advocating that the other would throw their fellow tribesmen off the land there.

We have one candidate from the Maasai tribe and one from the Kipsigis and both have been telling anyone who will listen that whatever happens - if you are a Maasai, you must stick with the Maasai, and the Kipsigis the same which actually is the reason why we never had any results that stuck the first time round, because with this kind of hate campaigning going on, whoever loses is very obviously going to have his fellow tribesman protest.

The latest I have on the Nation's (Kenyan daily by the way) update site was that Konchellah has won the seat and followed five minutes later by;
FRESH SKIRMISHED IN KILGORIS AS 14 HOUSES AND A CAR ARE SET ABLAZE. TENSION REPORTED IN MANY PARTS OF THE CONSTITUENCY.

And there we have it, those pyromaniacs are back on the case, and already things are looking bad. We have to hope that the huge numbers of police that had deployed to the area get a grip very quickly on the situation and that these skirmishes will be plugged soonest.

Meanwhile the Wajir North seat has been won by ODM, (although over half way through results showed the KANU candidate leading), Ainamoi is also ODM with Langat clinching the seat, Emuhaya has been won by Otichillo, and now Waititu of PNU has just been reported to have won Embakasi from Esther Passaris of ODM (- so that's the Embakasi street lighting project out the window then!)

I'm sure this will NOT be the last of it, as we all know Samuel Kivuitu of the Electoral Commission of Kenya (ECK) is such a reliable kind of a fellow, I can't see anyone actually agreeing to these results if he has anything to do with it! Seeing as there are already reports in all of today's Dailies with regards to nonsense at the polls, chances are things may heat up a little yet.

Meanwhile here in town it's ..... BUDGET DAY


(Not sure of the definition of the Kenyan economy but currently it looks slightly fictional I feel!)

I'll keep you posted as and when I hear of anything ....

Can you believe this is how far we've got in 100 days ....

This is a report from Reuters News Alert, and this is a picture from this morning in Nairobi, Kenya - TODAY, the 8th APRIL 2008 !! I have to say that this is quite unbelievable, but sadly, totally true ....

Kenya opposition suspends talks, protests flare

Tue 8 Apr 2008, 11:16 GMT

NAIROBI (Reuters) - Kenya's opposition suspended talks with President Mwai Kibaki's party on Tuesday and police fired teargas to disperse opposition supporters protesting at deepening deadlock over a power-sharing cabinet.

Kibaki and his rival Raila Odinga traded blame on Monday after a disagreement over how to share ministries delayed the naming of the cabinet for the second time in two days.

"We have resolved that negotiations ... be suspended until (Kibaki's party) fully recognises the 50/50 power-sharing arrangement and the principle of portfolio balance," Anyang' Nyong'o, secretary-general of Odinga's Orange Democratic Movement, told a news conference.

The protests in Nairobi's Kibera slum were the biggest since Kibaki and Odinga reached a power-sharing deal in February to end a crisis that killed at least 1,200 people after Kibaki's disputed re-election in December.

"People are burning tyres and shouting. Police are firing teargas and also firing into the air ... I think there are over 100 protesters," said witness Justine Mokua.

TEMPERATURE RISING

The tough words from both sides have revived fears for political progress and modest economic recovery in Kenya.

"I believe the temperature is rising among Kenyans and so I pray things won't get out of control," said John Mwangi, a 50-year-old businessman in Nairobi.

Most of the disagreement centres on a handful of ministries that Odinga's ODM said Kibaki's Party of National Unity (PNU) had promised to give up.

Odinga, the country's prime minister-designate, said he was ready to discuss the cabinet again with Kibaki once there was "clarity" over the disputed ministries. Kibaki said he was ready to conclude the process at the earliest possible opportunity.

"The reason they want them is because there's money there," she said. "If there is a corruption-free government it shouldn't matter who has what. It seems everybody is bent on securing something for themselves and that's what makes us upset."

Mmmm, 'corruption' - you don't say!

.... and then this from our own Nation Media Alerts:

Message from PNU MP's to ODM: Drop conditions and resume talks, Kibaki hands not tied by current Cabinet, ready for lean Govt - or even fresh elections.

It really sounds like we are not just stepping backwards, but running at high speed !

Our "Grand Coalition" government is at 'stalemate' ..

Well after all the ‘how to lose some kilos’ advice I was offered, I thought I’d better get to it. Then in this last couple of days on the British news, there is a story that has really caught my eye.

There’s been lots of talk of this website called Miss Bimbo, which is aimed at 9 to 16 year old girls, in which they are told to buy their virtual characters breast enlargement surgery and to keep them “waif thin” with diet pills, and it really made me think ….

It’s not 9 to 16 year olds that should be worried about the kind of rubbish it promotes, such as who’s got the trendiest hair do, clothes and skinniest body (with or without plastic surgery), but it should be shut down and immediately relaunched as a 25+ years old only site and it’ll be an instant hit !

I mean you only need read the front page of the site;

Become the hottest, coolest most famous bimbo ever!
Become the most famous, beautiful, sought after bimbo across the globe!
• Find your own cool place to live.
• Find a fun job to pay for your needs and all the clothes a Bimbo could possibly want.
• Date that famous hottie you've had your eye on and show the Bimbo world the social starlet you are!
• Even resort to meds or plastic surgery. Stop at nothing to become the reigning bimbo!

I’ll join up, get myself some diet pills, plastic surgery and some designer clothes and I’ll be all set to reface you bloggers out there as I resurface as Miss Bimbo Chick 2008, and I know you’ll all be dead impressed !



...... Then I took a look at our own headlines this morning;


"Parties want Annan to resolve stalemate"
“PNU and ODM blame each other after deadlock over how to share key posts”, and
“MP’s take a 3 week break” from Parliament - the "big house with no business to transact”,

and it got me thinking ……..

We could start an internet game here just for all our Kenyan Members of Parliament to give them something useful to do whilst they take yet another break, and it could perhaps stop their bickering and renewed threats of mass action. They could earn ‘power points’ instead of ‘bimbo attitude points’. They could even earn themselves cash, but only by completing different challenges online, and then they could be granted different ministries as per their outcomes of the various challenges.

Normal everyday people such as ourselves would think up the challenges and WE would decide WHO deserves each ministry – whether from the PNU or the ODM camp, it would be OUR choice!

You could have the solving of security problems challenge where you could resettle all the IDP’s safely back into their own homes without any further tribalism around to drive them out again, and if you won the challenge you could be awarded the MINISTRY OF INTERNAL SECURITY.

If you rebuilt streets that were totalled during the troubles such as those in Kisumu, you could perhaps garner yourself the MINISTRY OF HOUSING & DEVELOPMENT, and if you could persuade all foreign embassies to remove their travel warnings and accept you as an ‘honest type’, you could perhaps win yourself the MINISTRY OF FOREIGN AFFAIRS……
(Then again, it may be tricky for any one of our 200+ MP’s to win that challenge, I’m not sure ‘honesty’ is quite up their street.)

The MINISTRY OF EDUCATION will only be got by putting in some decent plans for free education that don’t relate to the nonsense of “building funds”, but actually genuinely give free schooling. Then the MINISTRY OF LOCAL GOVERNMENT would be given to someone who can actually prove that a plan of keeping the matatu’s out of the city centre and giving the contract of shuttle services to a few ‘friendly’ companies (and NOT ‘at a price’) will actually help the traffic congestion and will not just be a way to make an extra buck on the side and meanwhile heaping yet more costs onto the common wanainchi.

They could earn themselves Mercedes, security details, take away girlfriends and even extra salaries but instead of all this coming out of our hard earned taxes, it could be all virtual cash and controlled by virtual bankers (– such as me of course who will take up the MINISTRY OF FINANCE), who shall allow only necessary provisions for drawings of real cash by paying ALL MP’s bills direct.

Although all ‘virtual’ and ‘online’, these MP’s would be earning themselves a ton, have Mercs stashed at each of their various residences, and a ‘sweetie’ housed in the Penthouse suite at the Nairobi Safari Club.

All this will do their street credibility wonders, the real cash would still lie in the Central Bank coffers and would not actually be spent on these Members of Parliament and their fictitious expenses, but could be finally used properly on real projects that would have been thought up originally as challenges on line with proper input coming from real Kenyans living real lives and not those living in their posh mansions surrounded by cotton wool and not having a real clue as to what the rest of Kenya is actually going through.

I reckon this game has the potential to most definitely sort the men from the boys (or the women from the girls for that matter), and get our country finally back on the right track!

And if, by the way there was a problem with the adjudication of the whole event, (we’d be sure not to have the ECK involved in any online tallying!), there wouldn’t be calls of mass action but instead online internet hours would be limited to the side seen as not behaving themselves! That way, our MPs would need to complete their challenges more competently in less time, therefore actually making use of their brains for once perhaps for something more useful than finding out which clothes to pack for their next ‘retreat’.

Excellent plan don’t you think?

I think we should go ahead with it immediately.

We’ll call it whowantstobeaminister.co.ke

Right, first things first;
“Hands up, Who wants to be President??”

It's all going horribly, horribly wrong.

This photo I took yesterday at the camp on Juja Road in Nairobi.

Since early this morning and news of the ODM MP for Embakasi being murdered last night, things are kicking off all over Nairobi.

In Kibera slums I have a report of at least 2 killed so far, in Mathare youths are fighting, and in Umoja the market has been burnt to the ground. In Karen, an up market suburb of Nairobi, Mungiki gangs are reported to have stormed the shopping centre. The police and army personnel have been reported to be heading that way trying to quell the trouble.

Ngong road, which is the road from Karen and Ngong area into Nairobi is blocked with gangs fighting at the moment.

The story is that gangs from Kibera which are the ODM supporters have headed up Ngong Road to fight the Mungiki (which are the Kikuyu's), who are coming in from the Dagoretti and Kikuyu areas just a few kilometres north of Nairobi.

This is what I've heard mainly through word of mouth so nothing verified at this stage but incredibly worrying. Nairobi is a city of at least 14 Million people. If it gets out of hand here who on earth has the power to stop it? No-one is listening to the calls of the MP's.

Any more of this and surely they will have no choice but to declare a State of Emergency?

God, I hope not.

Someone sent me through the most horrific photos this morning I have ever seen, of people burnt alive in their houses and a mother killed with her own two year old watching. What kind of people could do this to each other. I know I keep saying this, but what on earth has happened to our country and our people?

Whatever you can do, I can do better.

Well after a whole 24 hours of not a single tear gas canister being fired – in the centre of Nairobi anyhow – there was a turn of events. Not a good one sadly, although the angel Annan is expected to land any time now so perhaps he will be a small light in a dark place (not sure I’m convinced but I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt for now and at least give him a chance to open his mouth). But today the PNU supporters decided it was far too quiet for their liking and seeing as it seems the ODM supporters seem to have gone back to work today, well then now it must be their turn surely for a spot of demonstrating – I mean, at the end of the day we are all fighting for democracy aren’t we, and we don’t want those Ninja Turtles getting too comfy sitting about in their posh padded outfits, best put them to good use - so they took to the streets.

PNU supporters today demonstrated about the ODM demonstrators demonstrating.
Er – Work that one out! ‘

All answers on a postcard to;

“What on earth were they thinking”,
Democracy Headquarters,
Parliament Building,
Nairobi City Centre.

Well, once the PNU supporters had had their say and a few cans of tear gas and a volley of bullets fired at them, they dispersed in order for all the newly sworn in Members of Parliament to be able to get down to the cash office to pick up their small salaries and allowances that they were ‘due’ for January.

Seeing as they actually had to attend parliament for the one whole day this month, and admittedly a long day, especially if your name began with something like ‘Y’ as they swore the MP’s in, in alphabetical order and the last ones were still going through the motions at 1.30 in the morning. And naturally we completely understand that during that 12 hours of so that they had to sit in ‘the house’, they did actually have to get off their backsides at least 4 times for a bit of a vote, oh and then of course the one time they had to go and swear in to a government that none of them seem to believe in, and yes, all the shouting that had to be done as well.

But it’s OK people, you take the full January salary for that one day as we completely understand what a incredibly stressful day it was for you all, so best you have Kshs 300,000/- as your basic salary just for being so, well, er, basic really, and then realising that can’t possibly keep you in the manner in which you wish to become accustomed, well then you can get yourself another 60,000/- for entertainment, 70,000/- for your rent, 250,000/- for vehicle maintenance (as of course we realise how much those damn helicopter spare parts can be), 40,000/- committee attendance allowance (whatever that is), and another 50,000/- constituency allowance.

Then of course in case the 750,000/- or so is not enough don’t you worry about a thing because there’s another 3.3Million shillings loan standing by for you so that you can buy that flash Mercedes you’ve always fancied, and then of course another 10Million, available for a house, all interest free obviously.

(By the way the shilling hangs out around 65 to the US dollar these days so we’re talking a salary of around US$11,500 or so with US$50,000 for the car loan and just over US$150,000 for the house loan.)

No wonder there is (so far anyway – likely to be many more before the end of the week) cases already in court where MP’s are challenging constituency election results, I mean with that sort of money at stake, monthly ………..

Sorry, just realised I’ve got to rush ………….
- Did I not tell you I was disputing the MP’s seat for the “MyGodThat’sALotOfCash” constituency………
I must get to court!

The latest 411

The 411 right now (by the way, I know no explanation needed for any Kenyans out there – but to the rest of you – it’s the latest word on the street), is that Kofi Annan and Graca Machel, (the wife of one of the world’s best known statesman Nelson Mandela), will arrive in Kenya on Tuesday for spot of mediating, and Raila has announced that Kenyans will stop demonstrating for now.

Well, before you all jump up and down shouting “Whoopee”, can I just tell you that on Tuesday when Kofi contracted ‘man-flu’ and couldn’t make it, the 411 was that old Graca was still on her way. Tuesday came and went with little sign of Mrs Mandela but “Not to worry”, we were told, “She will come on Wednesday”, but no sign of the lady yet again, so then they went for Thursday. So when they say she will be coming next Tuesday together with Kofi Annan, I’m not sure that we should go holding our breath or rushing out to the shops to buy a bumper pack of ‘man-size’ tissues in case Mr Annan tries to pull a sickie on us for a second time, I really think that we shall just have to wait and see, with perhaps a little glimmer of hope in our hearts at best.

In the papers yesterday, it said that Raila has called for a boycott of all Kenyan companies that are supporters of Kibaki’s regime. (This apparently is his new tactic rather than rushing about in a cloud of tear gas).

He started off naming Brookside Milk (who rumour has it has fired all non-Kikuyu staff, but I cannot verify that at all), then Citi Hoppa buses, (as again, ‘rumour has it’ – (by the way we Kenyans are very good at rumour mongering so please do not believe everything you read or hear, just lap it up and make your own conclusions with the facts – that is of course if you find any out along the way, and by the way if you do – please fill me in too.)

Anyway, as I was saying, Citi Hoppa buses are also to be boycotted, as they are rumoured to have carried PNU supporters and police about Kenya and were somehow involved in the rigging process as the company is owned by a pro PNU fellow.

The third company listed in the boycotting was Equity Bank, but then Raila says in the newspapers today that he never mentioned Equity Bank, as it turns out that shareholders include international bodies. - (More than likely he found out half his henchmen had cash tied up in the bank and panicked that they may never see it again!)

What I don’t quite understand is how boycotting any company will help his cause in the slightest. All he seems to be doing surely is hurting the common wanainchi (those on that poverty line), of which we have 20+ Million in this country, and those were the ones he promised to make life so much better for in his manifesto, and that was why they all voted for him in the first place.

Saw an interview this morning on the news with the ‘Chairman of the ODM Party in London’, who when questioned on this boycotting business said that it was necessary to cripple the Kenyan economy as it would be only way to hurt the PNU stronghold. When asked about what it would do to the Kenyans who are living in abject poverty as it is, his reply was, “In any fight for democracy, there has to be fall out.”!

Well, “Excuse me Honey, but will that be you suffering whilst you sit pretty in London with all your stashed cash you’ve made along the way?” ……… Mmm, Guess not then!

The party kicks off early .....

We have just currently done the third round of voting for position of the speaker for the house in the Kenyan parliament. They did not get a two thirds majority that is required for voting in of the speaker in the first two rounds so now in this, the third and final round, there is only 2 candidates left, from an original five that started (although the other three only garnered a couple of votes each anyway), and now it is just about a simple majority between Francis Ole Kaparo (the government's man) and Kenneth Marende (ODM's man).

In the first round the results were Marende 104, Kaparo 99.
Second round was Marende 104, Kaparo 102.
Now they are currently in the process of the third round which has only Marende and Kaparo contesting and now we are aruguing.

First of all we had 3 'spoiled' votes but after much arguing between the two sides they decided two of those spoilt were for Marende and 1 was Kaparo's.

Then we got total votes of only 205 (when there are 207 voting)!

Results finally in Kaparo 101, Marende 105.

The house has gone wild!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'll keep you updated.

So far we have quiet on the eastern front.

So far, so good - although of course i shouldn't speak too soon - but generally it seems that voting is peaceful throughout the country.

There were a few little set backs in the morning when some of the polling stations opened very late, due to various reasons such as the polling clerks not turning up or the polling register gone missing. Then up to fifteen of the wards (at last count), had to cancel their civic elections as some of the candidates were missing from the ballot paper. But no matter it seems, as in those areas they could still vote for their parliamentary candidate and the most important matter to hand - the presidency so they all seemed to be fairly satisfied with that.

It got slightly tricky in Langata, (an area in Nairobi), when Raila Odinga (one of the main two candidates up for the presidential seat), arrived at his local polling station to vote - at a pre-advertised, nice civilised hour of the day, with lots of pomp and ceremony - and his name was left out of the electoral register.

Anyway a couple of phone calls were made and a lot of shouting was done, and then an irate Mr Odinga leapt into his car and sped up to the Kenyatta Conference Centre where the election commission is holed up and jumped up and down outside their offices demanding to see somebody in charge.

He was then duly informed that the situation would be immediately rectified, (and not to get his knickers in such a twist), and that the electoral roll with his name on would be printed out 'tout suite' and by the time he got back to his polling station would be ready and waiting for him, and off he sped again, with a convoy of about 12 vehicles, one of which narrowly missed a rather bemused electoral official who was trying to chase after the cars to give them what i can only assume was the print out of the missing page with Mr Odinga's name on it.

So apart from that little mishap, and a couple of the electoral rolls for different regions ending up being sent in the completely wrong direction - such as the one for an area at the coast ending up in Kajiado - which is a town in the far north of Kenya and one of the polling registers that was supposed to go to Eldoret ending up in Naivasha, (around 200kms south of where it should have been), things seem to be going fairly well.

So its fingers crossed and see what happens as the day draws to a close.

Things looking a little tricky here on the Kenyan front.

Well rallying for the elections is officially over as it is illegal for any politicians to be hold rallies on Christmas Day or Boxing Day.

They seemed to have solved this however by going to church and having a quick preach there instead - just in case anyone hasn't yet got the point.

Talking to friends yesterday and listening to all the news stories that are flowing hot and fast now as we run up to the last few hours before voting, things I think could turn a little tricky.

It seems that the opposition party with Raila in charge is getting ahead in the polls and yet the incumbent president Mwai Kibaki I've heard has got a few little tricks up his sleeve.

I am assured seeing as there are so many international observers in situ that the chances of rigging are slim but I'm far too cynical and am far from convinced. I have been told by someone who is a member of Kibaki's youth group that they have got half a million voters on the register that are actually dead - so they are taking those votes as guaranteed for Kibaki!

I'm really not sure how it works and if they can get away with this extra half a million votes, but in a nation where there is less than 14 Million voters registered and of that number the people who will actually vote on the day will certainly not be anywhere near 100%, then this half a million extra people who don't actually exist are really going to count - if these Kibaki fellows get them slotted in?

Personally I can't see Kibaki not rigging it if he needs to seeing as he is still the one currently sitting in State House, has appointed the election commission personally, and I understand has made the KICC - which is where the election commission is based and from where they will announce the final results - off limits to everyone for the next few days. (The opposition party has already started jumping up and down about rigging already and we haven't even opened the polling stations yet.)

My worry is that i think there will be some serious trouble if Kibaki wins, as it will immediately be seen as unfair - although if the polls are right, these main two are actually still quite close - the opposition keeps dismissing those polls as a load of rubbish unless they are confirmed as having a large majority. And I can't see Kibaki not winning at this stage with whatever means he has to.

I do hope I'm over-reacting here, and that things will be peaceful, and whoever wins will do so fairly and squarely, but right now I'm not entirely convinced.

I'll keep you posted!

Electioneering and Corruption ....

Now I’ve got a bit of ‘food for thought’ for all you chaps and chapesses out there.

To give you a bit of background – we have 3 main contenders vying for the Presidency of Kenya right now. There’s Mwai Kibaki – current president – political party PNU, whose slogan is “Kazi Iendelee”, which basically means “The work continues”. Then we have Raila Odinga – political party ODM (Orange Democratic Movement) whose slogan is “Raila Tosha”, which basically translates as ‘Raila, That’s it’ or ‘Raila is enough’, and whose party is symbolised by one orange. He’s a fellow who used to be in the same party as Kibaki and played a very significant part in getting Kibaki elected 5 years ago but got himself fired from government a while back for going against the president in some issue or other. Then finally we have Kalonzo Musyoka – a very well educated, well spoken fellow who used to be in the same party as Raila but they parted company when they couldn’t agree on who should vie for the top job so he’s now the ODM Kenya party symbolised by one and a half oranges and hasn’t got much hope of getting in as according to the polls, his rating stands somewhere round the 10% mark so he’s not really being counted by the masses as much of a contender.

We’ve got serious campaigning going down with the run up to elections on the 27th December and in our “honest” see through electioneering that we have around here, basically there is a lot of cash changing hands.

You can get paid as part of ‘rent a crowd’ at any campaign rally, which is great for all those out of work slum dwellers who generally have nothing to their name – they rush from rally to rally picking up cash and a new wardrobe of whichever party nominees t-shirt they may be handing out, plus a bunch of posters they can use as wallpaper in their shacks – so it’s quite a worthwhile job really, (although sadly after the 27th it won’t last, and the rich will keep their money, and the poor will continue to be incredibly poor.)

The other way of making yourself some money is to turn up on election day for a bit of a vote where they will be loads of goons hanging around every polling station, handing out money to get you to vote for their party.

Talking to a bunch of people today – not your wealthy ‘drive cars and live in nice houses’ types but general ‘wanainchi’ – which are your everyday fellows – bit of a job, (if they’re lucky), probably a room goes with it and they earn around 8 to 10 thousand shillings a month – which is somewhere between 70 to 90 Euros. Anyway I wanted to know the general opinion with regards to how they think the election may go as according to the pollsters it's a very tight race between the top two. Turns out most of them are on Raila’s side as they think he’s the ‘Robin Hood’ type and will be the best for all those on the poverty line (and very much below it). There’s a few that say they would rather Kibaki keeps going for another 5 years and continues with whatever work he has started, because no matter how much we wish to complain about the current president, there is no doubt that he has done quite a lot of good for this country – he could have done a hell of a lot more that’s for sure, but at least he has made some few beneficial changes.

The argument between the two (as Kalonzo seems not to feature in their books), is that Kibaki is a Kikuyu and being the largest tribe in Kenya is seen as holding all the money for himself and his fellow Kikuyu’s and for that reason is creating tribalism. Raila, on the other hand, has been rushing round making friends with all the different tribes (and seeing as we have 52 different tribes in this country, it is probably a very wise strategy) and he has already slotted a few of them into his clique – known as the ‘Pentagon’ and is promising to install them all into prominent parliamentary positions.

I can understand how this distinction has come about between the two of them, but I’m not sure that it’s entirely true and here’s the dilemma …….

A lot of the fellows I spoke to say they are god fearing Christians and for that reason they will not take the cash to vote for someone that they have no wish to have in parliament.

But what I say is ‘Why not take the cash – see it as a Christmas gift – then go and vote for whoever you believe in.’
– Is that wrong when you have nothing and people are willing to hand over bank notes even though they cannot follow you into the polling booth and see who you really stick your cross by? Would you still call that corruption or just a case of taking from the rich if they’re so intent on handing it out anyway??

Now, there’s some food for thought wouldn’t you say!

I'm gonna get me a Nobel prize!

Turn's out there's an alternative to the real Nobel Laureates called the 'Ig Nobel Prizes' that are given out for marking achievements that 'first make people laugh, and then make them think.'

The Ig Nobel prizes were created by AIR (Annals of Improbable Research), and are intended to celebrate the unusual, honour the imaginative, and spur peoples interest in science, medicine and technology. (I'm not sure if they spur my interest in the sciences and suchlike but they most certainly spur my sense of humour. They are superb.)

..... and some of the winners of this years awards are:

The Ig Nobel peace prize which went to the US Air Force's Wright Laboratory in Ohio for its 1994 plan to develop a weapon that would make enemy soldiers sexually irresistable to one another, an idea later dubbed the "gay bomb". (This is great as they can all have a 'love in' instead of blowing each other's heads off.)

The Ig Nobel aviation prize was given out for a study showing that a hamster-sized dose of Viagra can help the rodents recover from jet-lag. (Very useful i think when travellling with one's hamster to far off places - as one generally does of course!)

The Ig Nobel prize in medicine went to Brian Witcombe, a radiologist at Gloucestershire Royal NHS Trust for his study of sword swallowing and its side effects. The most common problem for sword swallowers he found is "sword throat," a soreness that develops when they are learning the trick. But Witcombe and Meyer could find no documented fatalities caused by swallowing swords – excluding internet reports of people who swallowed neon tubes, spear guns, or jackhammers. "The big question is why the hell they do it," Witcombe says.

- "Absolutely Sunshine - If you could find out WHY they did it, you could probably earn yourself another award!"

The Chemistry Prize went to Mayu Yamamoto of the International Medical Center of Japan for producing synthetic vanilla from cow dung. (- must remember to pass that one onto all farming friends of mine and get them out there picking up that valuable dung, ditch the dairy business and get into vanilla processing.)

Linguistics – This Ig Nobel prize went to Juan Toro, Josep Trobalon, and Núria Sebastián-Gallés of the University of Barcelona for a paper titled "Effects of backward speech and speaker variability in language discrimination by rats". They found that rats could recognize the rhythmic differences between Dutch and Japanese sentences, but not if the words were replayed backwards! ....... (No, really!!! ........ Note in diary: Must remember to play all linguistic tapes to rats forwards so as not to confuse them.)

Biology – Johanna van Bronswijk of the Eindhoven University of Technology earned the Ig Nobel biology prize by vacuuming up insects, mites, spiders, crustaceans, bacteria, and fern spores from Dutch mattresses, to survey all the tiny beasties lurking in the average bed. - Now that really sounds like good fun! Get the hoovers out girls - finally a use for them at last!

So now i've run through what a bunch of supposedly sensible people out there get up to of an evening, it's my turn.........

Thinking of submitting the following:

Medicine: Research into the longest time a 2 year old can play with a piece of lego without getting it stuck up their nose.

Linguistics: Teach Golden Retriever and Rottweiler some new words besides 'Woof, Woof and of course Woof!', and study which one of them has the best English accent.

Peace: Give everyone in Kenya 1 and a half oranges and a banana and teach them all how to make fruit salad rather than throwing them at each other! This will give them all a chance to have a banana for the PNU, an orange for ODM and an orange and a half for ODM Kenya - these being the symbols for the 3 main parties vying for the Presidential elections here in Kenya.