Talks have NOT collapsed BUT they have been suspended .....

Hmmmmm ......
Sorry, but what the f*** does that mean?


Kofi: "I'm suspending these talks and shall now directly engage Kibaki and Raila to find a way forward and speed up the finding of a solution to this crisis."

ODM: "It's not our fault the talks have stalled, it's their fault."

PNU: "No, No, you've been pushing and pushing. It's your fault, not ours!"



The International community has threatened 'serious actions' against the country yet again, and Mutula Kilonzo has responded with "This is a Kenyan problem that will be sorted by Kenyans and we do not need to be pressured by anyone on the outside."

He might as well have said "Up yours Condi and friends, we can f*** this up perfectly well on our own without you pushing us thank you."

Personally I have absolutely nothing to add as it has become far too depressing for more words, and on the evening news, they are going with;

"Let's have a big discussion about how horribly, horribly wrong it will all go if the talks fail."

Smashing peeps, thanks for that. Think I might pass and have an early night instead if you don't mind.

Condi's here !

"Tell Martha I can't come to her heaven,

and say Hi to Obama's Granma!"

Go Condi, Go Condi,
Ooooh Ooooh Ooooh,
Go Condi, Go Condi,
Ooooh Ooooh Ooooh,

& I shall dance,
& I shall cheer,
& I shall clap,
& I shall breathe deeply,
& I shall use swear words,
& I shall cry,
& I shall drink,
& I shall pass out,
& I shall wake tomorrow,
& say …..

Go Condi, Move along and stop causing trouble!!

(actually she hasn’t said anything yet, so I shall give her the benefit of the doubt that she will honestly achieve anything at all and shall await further press briefings!)

I thought I'd do a Kofi on you!

Seeing as the delightful Mr Annan has told us to have a news blackout for the next 48 to 72 hours on what on earth is going on with our mediation and all, I thought I should oblige, but you know me, I just can't seem to keep my big gob shut so here I am anyway blathering on as usual.

What I love about Kenyans is we so can't keep a secret. We were having bets yesterday in the office of how long it would take us to find out the "secret location" of the retreat where all the mediators have retired to because it isn't possible to keep anything quiet round these parts let me tell you!

Well, I think they did well considering. We only got the news yesterday evening through a friend's friend's friend's colleague - you know how it is - that they're at a very nice little lodge in Tsavo West. I'll say no more - and if you work it out for yourselves, "I know absolutely nothing!", and you never heard it from me.


Who? Where? What are you on about?

You know how I think Mr Annan's such a doll and I shall not betray him further! But can I just say that does it really matter where they are holed up anyway as surely no-one is allowed in at all and the telephones are probably down anyway, I mean this is Kenya for goodness sake!

And another thing, they'd better sort it before they step foot back into town or I'll change my mind on that Mr Annan and I shall not be volunteering to have his babies after all!

Enough of that gossiping now, let's talk about something far more interesting. Let's talk about ME!

I have taken a few days off work, seeing as it's half term and all and I shall be flying out to a secret retreat all of my own tomorrow, not sadly with a sweetheart on my arm for Vaseline's day, but with my small boy and my camera. I will be sure to take lots and lots of fab pictures of where I am and then post them over here so that you will all be incredibly jealous and drool a lot and I will once again put your faith back into our beautiful home, insist you all book flights and I shall personally organise your itineraries forthwith!

Catch you tomorrow from my 'secret' destination.

I suppose we can't have everything.

Today in Kenya there is some good news and some not so good filling our media.

Listening to the news updates, we are definitely going in the right direction I think with regards to the mediation talks and a little 'Whoop' may not be out of place just now - but perhaps a quiet one, in case all those little chicks don't hatch as hoped.

Mr. Annan says that the media shouldn't conjure up any rumours and the ups and downs seen by all of the parties - one day shaking hands and the next spitting, is all 'mood swings' that are 'totally normal' in negotiations and we really shouldn't speculate over what we are seeing, but must all wait to hear what we are told and not listen to 'leaks'.

So there, that's told us hey! Kofi Annan should have been born a woman I reckon - he's so au fait with mood swings and one minute everyone's speaking and the next not. He's so not cut out to be a bloke - he actually 'understands' all these ununderstandables. If he wasn't quite so old and grey, I may have even offered to have his children, he's so fab! Mind you, saying that, I think that continuously cool, calm demeanour may do me in in the end - I mean I like a little bit of spunk in a man, and he's distinctly lacking that, but he is doing such a marvellous job with these stubborn thugs of ours,

I just can't help but admire the man, and think I may just have to slot him right up there with my heroes along with Indiana Jones and Darth Vader!

Meanwhile, in some parts of Kenya there are some militia groups that have taken to telling women what to wear can you believe. It turns out that low cut tops, mini-skirts and trousers are no longer to be worn by ladies in the areas around Nakuru, Naivasha and Limuru, and any women caught wearing such things have been known to be stripped naked in the streets and robbed and beaten.

It is absolutely ridiculous. I totally agree that there may be perhaps some people (especially those regularly on our screens such as young Britney here), really should have a better dress sense as lumpy legs are not really the most attractive things to look at on a sunny Saturday afternoon but come on, we do not live in the dark ages.

Lucy Oriang' from the Daily Nation summed it up well I thought in her commentary with this;

"Nothing can be more immoral than killing a human being just because they belong to a different community.

Isn't it ironical that the very same people who have blood on their hands should take the moral high ground over what women choose to wear?"

The 4 point peace plan according to Mr Annan

Before I start my post today will all those reading this, please place their tongues firmly in their cheeks before I begin (or you just won’t get my points, and I could get arrested!)

Well Kofi Annan did his bit of mediation yesterday with the ‘Big 6’ (3 from each sides of the opposition), and said that they had an agreed an AGENDA !

Whoopee and well done boys (and girls). That’s only taken you the best part of this week – best you take the weekend off don’t you think – Oh you will, OK then don’t mind us whilst everyone gets on with a spot of lynching, shooting, hacking, looting and burning then!

Funnily enough, that is what’s been going on for most of our Saturday in and around Western Kenya. So far I’ve heard of at least four killed and hundreds of homes burnt up in the Western areas around Eldoret and Kericho, and yet another few hundred people are now displaced.

So how exactly has Mr Annan helped us so far?

Well, it seems the agenda is a four-point plan (or a 44 point plan if you listen to the latest media reports, but I'll go with the 4),with short-term and long-term issues that need to be sorted. The short term ones are;

First is to take ‘immediate action’ to stop the violence and restore fundamental rights and liberties – these include the right to life (which is always a bit of a bonus), the freedom of the press in their reporting of events (which would be nice as perhaps less rumour mongering would be in order), and the right of assembly (which may mean we’re in for a spot more rallying which will be smashing – literally probably!)
But here’s the first catch. I never realised ‘immediate action’ would mean, well lets have the weekend and a bit of time out seeing as we worked for a whole 10 hours yesterday so we need at least 48 off for good behaviour, and we’ll return Monday after both parties have battered each other with more abuse and more innocent Kenyans are robbed and killed, and then we can settle down with a cup of coffee and get back to business.

Secondly is ‘immediate measures’ – of course you know what they mean by ‘immediate’, it’s as explained above – is to address the humanitarian crisis. Of course, those IDPs (internally displaced people for those of you new to this humanitarian speak, which I was actually before the beginning of January 2008!), can just starve a little longer whilst the Red Cross struggles with security on the roads trying their damndest to help to feed, clothe and give these people shelter. But not to worry, as we highlighted earlier, we’ll be back to the cozy boardroom in the Serena Hotel with our coffee and biscuits working on that, first thing Monday.

Thirdly on the four-point agenda is how to overcome the political crisis.

Ah, now this one could be slightly trickier seeing as Kibaki has just told the African Union conference that basically Raila can ‘get stuffed’ if he thinks he’s going to get any kind of justice with regards to the election because of course Kibaki says that he won fair and square and if Raila has an issue with that, then best he gets himself down to those law courts and have that smashing bunch of chaps that he personally appointed as judges, sort it out.

And the last agenda point concerned long term issues such as unemployment, poverty and land reforms.

The mediation team (or ‘facilitation’ team as Kibaki insists it is), have all assured us that the first three points in this agenda will be resolved between 7 and 15 days from the start of the dialogue on January 28th. So seeing as we’ve had lots of time off and now a bit of a weekend, in my book we are supposed to be looking at things being sorted starting Monday the 4th February (which already looks completely unlikely as they will only just be getting stuck back into the coffee and biccies by then back in the boardroom), and Monday 11th February.

– so perhaps they best they stop faffing about and get on with it wouldn’t you say?!?!?!

Daily Nation Headlines today.

Front page headlines in the 'Daily Nation' are;
"Six killed as Annan arrives for crisis talks" - which to me means;
a) Kofi Annan has finally appeared, and
b) No-one really gives a damn, as the different tribes in the different regions have already decided who shall live where and if you disagree, they will burn your house down, and if they catch you, you will be hacked to death ........

Good Luck Mr. Annan, you're certainly going to need it.