The Art of Matatu Driving – Part I

For all those aspiring learner drivers out there desperately wishing to gain their fortune driving a Mathree, i thought i should publish you a series of tips on how to make it in the driving world if you want to be taken seriously.





Stage ONE: As soon as you have taken possession of said vehicle;

a) Disable the speed governor – it is only installed in order to get the mat through inspection and is quite an unnecessary feature on your vehicle now;
b) Disconnect the brake lights – you don’t want anyone behind you knowing you’re going to stop for goodness sake, that would take all the fun out of it for those drivers following you on the road;
c) Remove one half of all of the seat belts – preferably the side where they should buckle in as the passengers can just drape the one side on their laps for effect and taking out the other side means less weight in the vehicle, and also for those who don’t actually have a seat, it means sharing lap straps with the neighbour is much easier, which of course is essential if you’re going to get those extra peeps in.
d) Have MOLOLINE painted on the front of your vehicle so that the traffic cops let you through without blinking, but do make sure you’re travelling at least at 110kph as you approach any police check or they’ll realise you’ve faked the sign

Stage TWO: Get it on the road;

a) Put enough fuel to get you to the stage from which you want to start your pick up service – preferably right outside your parking spot so no fuel is needed, and then save the rest of any spare cash you have on you to pay to the mungiki at the terminus to help you through living to the next day.
b) As soon as you can persuade some passengers to get in – usually nicely done with a lot of noise and a small bit of threatening about how you know where they live and you have “friends”should do it – collect some cash and then send one of the prospective peeps down to the nearest petrol station to get yourself a kasmall kibuyu of fuel to get you out of the stage and onto the main road. When you run out of fuel in the middle of the highway it seems people are so much more co-operative about shelling out their cash for fuel in a hurry.

Stage THREE; Now you’re moving, these are critical manoeuvres that should be followed at ALL times;

a) Remember never to pull over to pick up passengers, and do NOT use designated bus stops at any time – these are for buses! If you see someone standing on the side of the road, flash your lights, beep the horn and then stop dead in the middle of the road and shout for them to get in.
b) If you see more people 50 metres up the road, don’t stress, floor it and then jam the brakes on 50 metres up the road to make sure you pick them up to.
c) Continue this procedure every 50 metres or so until the mat is jam packed. All seats must be full, floor space taken and at least 3 people should be hanging out the door before you should even think about heading towards wherever these suckers want to go. You’ll have them so tightly jammed in now that they won’t have a choice but to stay with you now!
d) Always remember to indicate to the right if pulling over left or if seeing hot chick on right that you need to then stop and harass.

Finally do some serious protesting to get this new chap out and our man Hussein Ali back in so Michuki rules stay out!

I so thought that chick was hiding something ..

It turns out that you cannot trip up our star Kenyan athlete without having serious balls ...........

Caster Semenya in hiding after tests reveal she has 'internal testes'

Goodness girlfriend, turns out the lippy and nail varnish really didn't work - Pole :(

We will not let Caster Semenya go quietly

For Kenyans, we actually have a BIG problem with this issue of Semenya.
Forget the fact that she's a little butch and has a seriously deep voice.......

She dared to stand on the head of one of our own !!!!!!!!!!!!

You know, you need to understand one fundamental thing about the Kenyan people. We may be continuously trampled upon by our own government and a bunch of crooks who call themselves 'politicians' daily, but we will, under no circumstances, allow a foreigner to think they can just trip us up and walk over us into a winning position, because i can tell you one thing for nothing - We will NOT accept.

So ''Miss'' Semenya, you may get yourself a girly makeover and be on some campaign to prove to the world that you're a girl, (as word has it that ''apparently, wearing sequins and painting one's nails are proof one is, indeed, truly female), but just know ONE thing. - We couldn't actually care less which side you are batting for, we just know that if you hadn't tripped up our own Janet Jepkoskei - testosterone or no testosterone she would have kicked your butt baby!

Jepkoskei may have shaken herself off and come back for the final - because that's what it is to be Kenyan - (we do the shaking off and coming back to perfection on a daily basis) - but the poor girl wasn't given a chance to become any place but second as she had to spend her whole race watching out for those large Semenya thighs heading her way for a tripping rerun!

P.S. Please honestly tell me if you believe this is anything but a bloke dressed up in female clothing and a bad weave!

Kenyan humour ....

This short clip illustrates what a fabulous sense of humour the MAJORITY of Kenyans have and what sadly those minority 'Anonymous' types seem to be lacking.

For the rest of you, enjoy ........... this is brilliant!

Fellow Kenyans, Give up the tribal politics!

Its politics, politicians and policies round our parts at the moment. It seems you cannot have a conversation lasting more than about 5 minutes without touching on the subject, so I thought perhaps I should post my 5 cents worth – although as a mzungu chick in this part of the world my opinion may not be worth much, I still have the same rights as every other Kenyan – and that includes my right to vote – whichever way that may be.

I read an excellent article in the press in one of the dailies which was a comment on the issue of politics and tribalism.

First of all can I say, I’d like to totally agree with the fellow who said that all those who felt he should vote with his tribe should basically ‘Get Stuffed’! A Kikuyu guy wrote the comment stating that the fact that although a fellow Kyuk has been in power, this has not altered his life (or any other Kikuyu for that matter) any different from any other Kenyan. Likewise in our constituency we’ve had a Luo in power for the past however long and there are no Luo’s I know of around here that have benefited – or not as the case may be – any more than the next guy whichever tribe they may be from.

Majimboism (the latest buzz word in the politicking factions) – according to the proposed constitution – is the decentralization of government with more power to the people, and although this sounds great on paper, Kenyans extremely tribalist roots will suggest they get their own tribes in and all others out! .. and the case of sharing out the cash to run each constituency will be a whole debate of its own …

Fair? … – I doubt it!

A colleague in the office told me of a scam that was going on throughout the last general election that had a gang of goons going around the villages telling the voters they felt wouldn’t swing Kibaki’s way that if they put an X in the box for Kibaki, it would mean that you didn't want him for president.

- Nice way to garner some votes wouldn’t you say!

Voting on tribal lines has become so ensconced in the Kenyan culture, you’re a Kikuyu – then obviously you vote for the Kyuk, a Luo for the Jaluo and a Kamba for the Kao – the others just get conned into voting for whoever the goons who get to them first tell them to vote for.

Please fellow Kenyans, let’s wake up and smell the roses. Let's vote for those with the best policies, those that will make our great country move forward and upward as it deserves to do.

Great things happening to save Kenya’s fragile environment

Since the Blog Action Day came up, I’ve been looking about to see what I should write about on this day. Of course, growing up and living in Kenya means that it I am passionate about the place, and I’d really like to be able to share that in some small way with the rest of the world. I picked on tourism as it is one of the top four foreign exchange earners in this country and it is vital that we conserve our tourism and that we encourage visitors to come to Kenya and see our beautiful country but also have respect for it too.

Statistics show that spending by tourists makes up 12% of our economy and about half a million Kenyans depend on the travel industry for a living so it is absolutely vital that we take care of it.
Kenyans are generally well aware of this fact and are most definitely making more of an effort with regards to sustainable tourism development and promoting practices that will conserve Kenya’s natural environment and improve livelihoods of associated communities.

Ecotourism Kenya is a civil society organization that is now doing exactly that and pursues its vision of making Kenya’s tourism sustainable by:-

• Managing the Eco-rating Scheme, a certification system for tourism accommodation facilities in Kenya
• Managing the Eco-warrior Award, an annual award that recognizes outstanding tour operators, accommodation providers and community groups in Kenya
• Conducting educational and training programs for stakeholders in the tourism industry, with an emphasis on community groups
• Conducting surveys and research on ecotourism and sustainable tourism
• Providing advisory and consultancy services in areas of research, planning, management and policy development on issues relating to ecotourism
• Supporting communities implementing community based tourism initiatives
• Maintaining a database of ecotourism initiatives in Kenya

So now you’ve all got a taste for the great things that we are trying to do for our country please come and visit us and put in your contribution to saving our beautiful environment.

For the most eco-friendly safaris, go to www.ecotourism.org and search through the tourism accommodation facilities on their site that have been certified in the Eco-rating scheme.

The South African’s THINK they’re invading! ....BUT they are so NOT!

Today I had a strange stab of tribalism, or perhaps not tribalism as such as Kenyanism!
I got a call from a company known as East African something or other who needed me to do some handing out of promotional stuff and I asked that if I did them that favour then could I expect some ad in the new magazine or suchlike.
The Kenyan girl I was speaking with said that would be a great idea, and she’ll get the lady who deals with advertising to give me a call.
Well, later on some South African lady calls me and starts off by telling me I’ve been in touch with some fellow I’ve never heard of and that she hears i want to buy ad space off her!
I did try and explain that it wasn’t quite like that, and that I had been talking to a very nice ‘Kenyan chick’ and why.
So this snooty South African woman tells me that they make no such deals and I should pay top whack for my advertising space.
Well my Kikuyu side kicked in with a vengeance: ( - Just call me Njambi!)
“Hey lady – I think you missed the point here entirely – I’m doing you a favour!!’ – I mean sorry, but why would I do something for nothing – this is no NGO we’re talking here and who the hell does some smart arse South African think she is to have the audacity to talk to anyone like that anyway. Please note, the South Africans ‘MAY’ think they are smarter than us Kenyans – but they are SO NOT!!
It made me think back to an article in the press a couple of weeks ago saying how so many South African companies fail dismally in Kenya. It’s because these people talk to us like we’re completely stupid and try and bulldoze us.
People – you need to wake up – Kenyans are proud people and have no wish to be spoken to like idiots by anyone.
“We know our own minds thank you and have done perfectly well without you so far. So, thanks but no thanks for the help. Go back where you came from until you learn that we are all perfectly civilized and did not just swing in from the bush thank you, and we can stick up for ourselves quite nicely!!”

The 'Makaren'!

Here in Kenya there is an incredible number of tribes. I read somewhere it numbers 52 with the Kikuyu's (or Kyuks as more commonly known round these parts) are 21% of the population with the Luo's (or Jaluas) coming in at 14%. The other 65% is shared amongst the other 50 tribes in various proportions with some having much greater percentages than others.

We all profess not to be tribal in any way and yet that's what its all about. I'd say though it is definitely quite a jovial thing - the tribal class - especially these days amongst the educated - Just this morning i got a classic from one of my colleagues.

"Hey, i had to eat chicken and chips for breakfast this morning as a neighbour had brought it round for me last night and i had already eaten. But if i leave it in the fridge - well, i know my houseboy - he's a luyha - and he'll certainly deal with it and it won't be there in the evening for sure!!'
Had a great joke through about a jaluo (Luo) and his shiny designer 'sous' (or shoes to anyone else), and then of course you have the Kaos (or the Kamba's) and their love of anything colourful.

For me, the mzungu chick, Kenyan ID in hand, yet of no fixed 'shags', tribe is a tricky issue.

(By the way - 'shags' is the village where your family hail from).

However i was labelled the other day, and told my tribe must be the 'Makaren' - a bunch of Mzungus (pale faces) all at least 3rd generation Kenyans and all living in the district of Karen in the outskirts of Nairobi.

Am thinking of setting up a political party of such 'Makaren's'. It could be known as the 'lete chai tafadhali' party and all the old bats from the Mau mau era could jump up and down and smack those round the head who don't vote for them, with their walking sticks (as they generally do anyhow when things don't quite go their way!!)

Seriously though, I'm thinking of defecting already - rather would join the hoo ndi emm party (Orange Democratic Movement ODM). Although i'm not sure they'll get any more done than little old ladies making lots of noise and waving their walking sticks.

Well, you know Raila is really a 'Makaren' anyhow being neighbours in the estate and all, the only difference between us, is that his 'shags' are a little further north!!

It's great to be Kenyan!

I was following a pick up down the road today packed to the brim with metal chaffing dishes – you know those big metal trays they use to keep food warm at functions.
Anyway, in usual Kenyan fashion, they were pilled to the hills and then tied on with the odd piece of string – like they may just all hang on to each other because the string is really just a formality. Well, funnily enough, they didn’t!!
One came flying off the back of the pick up and straight into the road in front of me – luckily enough it bounced once in front of me and then shot across the road rather than straight into my car blowing its radiator or windscreen or something else nasty! – I miraculously dodged it and it took off into the oncoming traffic and the fellow heading in the opposite direction slammed on the brakes and stopped right in front of it.
He of course got seriously hooted at and abused – and ignoring all, got out of his car, picked it up, stopped an oncoming car and handed it over so that everyone could now give chase!
I was already flashing and hooting at the pick up, and although they slowed down, they probably just thought ‘Mad Woman Driver!’ and kept going!! Then a huge 4x4 came by at high speed also hooting and flashing with the passenger leaning out the window shouting to the guy driving the pick up, so that finally made him pull over. I then also pulled over to explain to them why I had been hooting and flashing so wildly and then there came another car behind us and gave him back his dish.
We had all driven a good kilometre by then probably – but what’s so great in this fine country of ours is the help that everyone gave them. It just shows – if we’d been in the UK or perhaps some other European country – everyone would have just diverted round the dish and kept going I’m sure!
Here everyone did their bit to help these people out because, as we all know, chances are that if they arrived at where ever they were headed to without the dishes all accounted for - someone would have to pay - and that is something we all know about and yet can ill afford to pay for.
Today it’s great to be Kenyan!