Federer should take a leaf .....

Perhaps Roger Federer should take a leaf out of the bestseller;

"HOW TO GUARANTEE YOURSELF A WIN" by Uncle BOB !

It must be the weather

You know over here in these parts, winter has truly set in with temperatures dropping to 11 degrees in the morning (Shocking isn’t it I know), and actually I am sure that one of these mornings I shall awake to snow falling on my roof.

I'm sure all of you out there in the West are shouting at your screens just now, going; "Christ Alive, these people have NO idea of the meaning of the world 'cold'!", but hey, It’s the same every year here. We always complain of the cold at this time of year, and that we can’t believe how shocking it is, BUT then it’s the same again next year, and funnily enough the year after as well!! That’s the thing about weather I suppose – it never seems to be ‘just right’!! (although I must say I definitely hear less complaints when it’s nice and warm.)

Anyway, this cold seems to be freezing the brains of our politicians not only in Southern States such as Zimbabwe where Uncle Bob is still skipping about whistling a care free tune, although it seems he has slightly changed tack, i.e. He’s ready to talk to the opposition about some form of coalition government, (after last week telling them all to “Go Hang”).

I’m sure however this is only because he’s seen how it works here, Kibaki is still the President, he has his own chosen sidekick at number 2, and Raila is relegated to third in line, which seems to mean that no matter how much he jumps up and down and makes noise only Kibaki’s decisions count in the end.

So down in Zim, its business “as Unusual as always”, and here in Kenya it’s pretty much the same.

Our dear Minister for Finance, the Honorable Amos Kimunya has got himself into a spot of bother with the whole Grand Regency Hotel deal. Apparently the hotel was sold last week to Libyans for 2.8Billion, and then …..Oh, no, apparently that wasn’t QUITE right and it was sold to some Kenyan registered company (known as Arab African Investment) for rather a lot less, namely 1.85Billion.

Mmmmmmm ………

Meanwhile back in Parliament, a motion of ‘no confidence’ was carried last night on Kimunya ( – I really am not sure that releasing his “Transparency” report on procurement and disposals procedures was such a good idea at the beginning of the week when his very own procedures outline the fact that in matters such as the disposal of an asset such as The Grand Regency Hotel, he had stated that more than one valuation must be done,

(and he, er …., seem to have, er …. Forgot?)

…. and today news is just in says that the Kibaki has called off the cabinet meeting scheduled or this morning, "with no reason given", that had promised to clarify EXACTLY what in the hell happened with this whole deal of the Grand Regency, so nothing's changed here either.

Looks like our Mr. Kimunya might just have the right qualifications for a hot position in Mugabe’s government, so I shouldn’t think he need worry too much !!

Zimbabwe ...... er, votes ??

Well, Zimbabwe went to the polls yet again today to vote for their, er, "candidate of choice", in the Presidential run off.

The competition was fierce, Mugabe was quietly confident and expressed hope for a clear majority. The voters rushed to the polling stations, (mostly with men in uniform carrying guns chasing them, which meant rushing was definitely in order), and those that tried their best NOT to go to the polls were persuaded otherwise with rather large rungus and machetes!

So there we have it, Mugabe's idea of a smooth run off, in which he is the ONLY candidate and chances are rather high (apparently), that he shall be declared the outright winner before the weekend is over ..........

AND THAT PEOPLE, IS WHAT IS KNOWN AS "DEMOCRACY" IN ZIMBABWE.

Perhaps this cartoon from the paper and this joke I was sent through the email sums it up better than I can .......

"Mugabe dies and goes to heaven.
When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list
and he does not belong in heaven. Mugabe must go to hell.

So Mugabe goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty
welcome and tells him to make himself at home.

Then Mugabe notices that he left his luggage in heaven
and tells Satan, who says 'No problem,
I'll send a couple of little devils to get your stuff.'


When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked
St.Peter is having lunch - and they start debating what to do.
Finally one comes up with the idea that they should go over the wall
and get the luggage.


As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them,
and one angel says to the other,
'My Lord, look at that! Mugabe has been in hell no
more than ten minutes and we're already getting refugees!'"

.... And from Here !

This is yesterday's cartoon from The Standard;



The caption reads; "See, He's scared I'm going to beat him in a free and fair fight!", and it was pointed out to me by one of my commentators (- you see, I DO get nice ones as well!)

I hear that Tsvangirai has officially given a letter into the electoral commission resigning from Friday's run-off, but not to worry, as Uncle Bob hasn't missed a beat and is campaigning full on for his one horse race!

What Zim looks like from here ...

How I see it is that it is absolutely no surprise that Morgan Tsvangirai has pulled out of the Zimbabwe run off election that is scheduled for the end of the week, because surely with Mugabe openly saying he'll never let him win, torturing any opposition supporters he can get his hands on and meanwhile locking up the MDC leader at every given opportunity he can, the fellow is bollixed if he participates in the run off and .. well, frankly, bollixed if he doesn't, so what to do?

I understand he is currently holed up in the Dutch Embassy, and meanwhile All Africa news reports that the Justice Minister in Zim's response is as follows;


The Justice Minister described Tsvangirai's decision as a nullity saying: "This is the 11th time that Tsvangirai has threatened to withdraw from the presidential run off and on each occasion I have challenged him to put it in writing as required by law."

He told The Herald newspaper that "Zanu PF is not treating the threats seriously."

"It is a nullity. We are proceeding with our campaign to romp to victory on Friday," Chinamasa said.


It sounds a bit like a scrap behind the bike sheds to me!

Gado, the Kenyan cartoonist, summed it up perfectly months ago with this cartoon:


Robert Mugabe couldn't honestly give a flying fart what anyone thinks. For some obscure reason, the world seems to be leaning on Thabo Mbeki to get the fellow to see some sense, but let's get real here people, Mbeki is not the man for this job. He'll never rock the boat with the neighbours no matter how much pressure he's put under - rumour has it our end that the two are somehow related for goodness sake.

So really it's "Na, Na, Na, Na, Na" for the whole lot of them. Mugabe will win and will stop at absolutely nothing to do so.

And we’re worried about politics ….

Here in Kenya, our fabulous coalition government couldn’t get through yet another day without arguing. This time it was about protocol, the PM got to speak before the VP, suggesting apparently, that the VP is therefore more senior than the PM. The President, it seemed, couldn’t have really cared less who spoke when, how, and about what, and had a jolly old time testing out his own incredible speech skills when it was his turn, with the best part of it all being played repeatedly on every news slot available.

It went something like this;

“You See, You See, You Sssseeeeee!”

Actually I didn’t see it at all, and it took me three times of watching the news byte to get what he was on about which was evidently all about being “One Kenya, One People”. Nice thought Mr Kibaki, I like it a lot, but I’m afraid I still don’t quite see it.

Down in Zimbabwe, Uncle Bob seems to have succeeded in having the entire world turn against him – Oh, apart from Thabo Mbeki of course, who obviously has some sort of strange deal going on with the man. I wouldn’t be surprised if it went something like;

MUGABE : “Listen Tabs, stick with me and once we’re through this small hiccup and they’ve all calmed down about the beatings and starvation, I’ll change the law so that I’m President for life and then we’ll put South Africa and Zimbabwe together, kick out all your white farmers and take over the world!”

THABO MBEKI : “Mmmm, yeah, good one Bob. I mean what the hell does the rest of the world know anyway. They think HIV causes AIDS and everything. Come on now. All those Western fellows thinking they have the upper hand on us Africans eh. We’ll show them!”

But meanwhile across in the Congo, they have much larger troubles to deal with
- or not - as the case may be.

Lynchings in Congo as penis theft panic hits capital

Police in Congo have arrested 13 suspected sorcerers accused of using black magic to steal or shrink men's penises after a wave of panic and attempted lynchings triggered by the alleged witchcraft.

Rumours of penis theft began circulating last week in Kinshasa, Democratic Republic of Congo's sprawling capital of some 8 million inhabitants. They quickly dominated radio call-in shows, with listeners advised to beware of fellow passengers in communal taxis wearing gold rings.

Well surely now, all you blokes out there should be panicking for those sorcerers are known for flying about and the Congo’s not too far from here I’ll have you know.

Clearly you ought to be scouring the matatus and Citi Hoppers for all those wearing gold rings. I mean you don’t want some sorcerer nipping off with your willy now when you’re not looking.

For goodness sake, Mugabe may be a dictator, Mbeki a complete wimp, and all the Kenyan leaders collectively a bunch of money grabbers who can’t sort out the IDP mess, but what does any of that matter when here right under our very noses we have much more crucial problems.

All the women are laughing shamelessly at all the men, and undoubtedly all the men's main source of concern right now is;

- “Where have all the willys gone”

….. Ooooh I feel a song coming on !

Political Cartoon in Kenya's Daily Nation today ..

(For those of you who may be unfamiliar, the ECK is the "Electoral Commission of Kenya" who royally cocked up our own results back in December, and are currently under investigation.)

This cartoonist 'Kenny' sums it up perfectly, no other words needed ........

Let's talk about ME !!

I'm fed up with talking about the mad Uncle Bob arsing about in Zimbabwe, and our "coalition" here in Kenya that cannot even agree on Step One - "Let's name the government", which by the way, has extremely little chance of being named today as promised, so instead let's talk about ME ....

As you know, I have moved! I'm over the stress of it all, settled in and so so happy in my new home that I thought I'd share and make you all into 'jolly green giants' - and that won't be the nice, sweet, tasty little pea varieties either, but the hairy green eyed monsters that come from extreme jealously and you will all look hideous. I of course will look fabulous, and win the "My God, isn't she the lucky one" competition hands down!

So here goes. I shall invite you into a sneak peak at my new home - not the inside because that's just got walls (lovely coloured ones though, none of that 'off-white' nonsense for me!), and floors (oooh, actually lovely wooden ones throughout!), and corridors and stuff, and the fact that the entire house I have just moved out of could fit in the living room in this one, is neither here nor there! Instead I have decided to let you look round the garden because it is absolutely stunning and in fact I'm thinking of having tours (for a price of course, I am a Kenyan!), like they do around those National Trust homes in the UK, but for you lot (seeing as you're me mates and all), I'll let you look round for free!

We'll start with the view from where I'm sitting right this minute....

Then we'll move onto the house ........ well a bit of it anyway (you know the sneak preview - gosh don't you love it), without revealing all .....

Then this is the garden (or the middle of it anyhow) .......


Oooh look, we even have a visitor .............. (Mmmm, you'll probably notice the beautiful weather we're having .... Oooooh that was spiteful as I do know the weather, especially in the Northern Hemisphere right now, is shocking ! )


and you'll see even my little men are smiling and playing us a tune


............. All is Well !

(Of course as long as I never step out of my gate again and back into the real world it is anyway.)

Been a bit quiet …..

It’s not like to keep my big mouth shut for so long, but I have been moving house, - which 9 out of 10 dog owners agree is highly stressful!

Anyway I have survived the ordeal and can now report that every last box has been unpacked and every last picture has been hung up on the various walls, and although my back hurts, my legs hurt and my arms feel like I’ve been heavyweight boxing (oooooh nice pun J), I am so very proud of my little self for getting it all sorted so that I can finally sit down and get down to some serious blogging.

Have been trying to keep up with the Zimbabwe elections – as you may have gathered from my hurried few words I’ve sent in from my Blackberry.

I have been a little concerned about their plight after seeing what happened to us lot here in Kenya after what we all felt was an extremely peaceful election, and now look at the mess we are involved in, and I might add, are STILL in the process of fighting our way out of.

Although we have light our end, we are yet to be basking in its full warmth, like we felt we would be by now. Coalition governments are not all that bed of roses that Kofi Annan seemed to promise us all.

Kenya is still waiting to sort out that little problem that we call “The Cabinet” that is supposed to be running this place. Both sides seem to be blatting each others decisions on who, what, and even how, and all this nonsense that is being bandied about as to how many members this cabinet should have is becoming a bit of a joke, as once again, our marvellous elected ministers fight over which position they can have and how much of our money they can get for the title!

The latest news we have on that front is that “the cabinet shall be named on Sunday” – according to the latest Nation media update. Actually, it’s not the first ‘breaking news update’ we’ve had through in the past couple of weeks telling us that they are on the verge of naming the cabinet, so I’m not quite sure how seriously we should be taking this last bulletin.

As for the situation in Zimbabwe, I saw a brilliant interview on one of the international news channels, I forget which one, but it was a journalist interviewing one of Mugabe’s staunch supporters who is currently ‘Minister for the Totally Blind and Corrupt’ – or something like that – and he was arguing that all those reports coming out of Zimbabwe about Mugabe and the opposition leader Morgan Tsvangirai having talks were just a bunch of “April fool’s jokes” and “who says that just because the Zanu-PF party had perhaps lost the majority in parliament – it was according to this knowledgeable fellow – only by 96 to 93 seats so would have no bearing at all on the Presidential result !!

Also the most remarkable thing being reported about 3 of the parliamentary seats that have been won, is that the chaps with the winning votes had recently died.

So it seems not only do they have a bunch of phantom dead voters, even the candidates can be corpses too ! (Mind you, if you’ve ever watched the Parliamentary proceedings live from any country in the world, and watched them all sleeping, I’m sure it wouldn’t really make much difference if a few turned up in coffins.)

So my headline of April 1^st of “Will He? Won’t He?” still looks very current. Latest news on the All Africa website says “they are having talks”, and yet according to the incumbents “”It’s all a load of rubbish made up by colonialist Westerners trying to assert their influence on Africa.” So it still looks a lot like very much a ‘wait and see’ situation.

Personally I wouldn’t be surprised if they declare the Presidential result as less than a 50% majority on either side, have a run off with the two of them (which chances are Tsvangirai shall win hands down), but in the meantime Mugabe will have weaselled himself some kind of a deal where he can live out his days in a secluded life of luxury in Zimbabwe where those ‘colonialists’ won’t be able to take him to task for the incredibly suffering he has caused his people.

Whichever way it goes I do hope that Zimbabwe had learnt one thing from Kenya, suppression of the majority does not get you very far, and I also hope that if Uncle Bob has any slight semblance of decency left, it will be to succumb to the inevitable, sooner rather than later.

Turns out our Electoral process has got nothing on Zimbabwe’s…

This morning Zimbabwe goes to the polls and from Kenya, the land of successfully dodgy elections, I think we should be wishing all Zimbabweans jolly good luck.

Independent polls put the opposition in a landslide victory position but the only ‘genuine’ poll that has come out from the Zimbabwe’s government shows President Mugabe with a 57% lead.

Mmmmm, how convenient when he needs 50% to keep ruling the country.

This morning on the international news, Robert Mugabe was quoted as saying that he has “a sense of honesty”, and he would not be able to “sleep with his conscience” if he’d cheated on the elections, and why does he need to anyway seeing as the “people” are on his side!

Don’t suppose anyone’s got a spare prescription of sleeping pills they can send him?

But hey, who am I to judge his ideas on “Free and Fair Elections”. The fact that it is common knowledge that at least 50,000 dead people are on the electoral roll, those voters registered that may swing the oppositions way haven’t been told which polling station they have been registered at, television sets, generators and vehicles have been bought for various government officials in the past couple of weeks, oh, and rather a lot of people on the ‘correct side of the fence’ have had their salaries miraculously raised for the coming month. Surely none of this has anything at all to do with the voting process. Coincidence works in mysterious ways don’t you know?

Anyway just to make sure they do have a peaceful day, Mugabe has ensured that all polling stations are full of his own policemen, because heaven forbid the opposition supporters may cause any nonsense, like voting for anyone but the President himself, at least the police are in place to sort it out.

‘Independent’ observers have been brought in of course, but only from countries with which President Mugabe enjoys a spot of free trading. He’ll have none of those anti-Mugabe EU colonialist lot because they’re a totally uncontrollable bunch what with their “human rights” nonsense, and “stop starving the people who don’t vote for you” rubbish. I mean for goodness sake, why should he be feeding people who are against his regime? Let those ones fend for themselves!

I do hope he invited Kenya’s electoral commission down there for a spot of observing. I understand they are a very reliable bunch of fellows with cases of making sure the “right man” wins………

Oh, shame, sorry Mr Mugabe, we can’t help you out there, I understand we’ve got a spot of bother our end and they’re all under investigation in an international independent enquiry.

Oh well, at least there’ll be none of that twaddle for you Zimbabweans when the President wins. It’ll just be business as usual and all those colonialists and their mumbo jumbo rights concerns can get knotted.

Personally I think if I was a Zimbabwean I might just not bother getting out of bed today as chances are it’ll not be worth paying that 10 Million dollar bus fare to get yourself down the polling station.

But then again, miracles are known to have happened – even in Africa.

(Perhaps not in Kenya I may add, but still….)

So I shall sit here watching the news and wait for the official results – perhaps not with baited breath – but I shall await the results all the same, and perhaps keep my toes crossed that someone somewhere may have the audacity to help knock Robert Mugabe off his pedestal and beat him in these elections.

Zimbabwe drops even further into despair

It seems Zimbabwe is dropping further and further into despair with the latest devaluation on the currency as those on the ground say all that will do is spur the black market inflation further and send the currency into a further spiral with expected black market rates of 600,000 Zim dollars to the US$ being the next port of call, as soon as the beginning of next week.

Even those farmers and other businesses struggling to hang in there - how on earth are they or their workers expected to now survive?

I read an article published just a few days ago where the Zim government says that encouraging tourists back into the country will help them solve their problems ... and what exactly will encourage these tourists to flood in? Perhaps they could do some marketing to the dieting community to go and visit a starving country and meanwhile starve themselves - as there certainly won't be any possible way of feeding those tourists surely. It's an absolutely ridiculus situation and one of which the world despairs of the beautiful once economically spectacular African country.

If Mugabe feels this is the way forward to a socialist society surely he is very much mistaken, and I understand that currently the only reason the country is surviving at all is because of the millions of Zimbabweans who no longer live in Zimbabwe but work outside of the country and send their money back.

Seriously, this is getting ridiculus - What on earth possesses the guy to destroy his own country? And such a beautiful one at that.

Zimbabwe - the land of plenty starves

Haven't written in a few days as have been away.
I went to stay on a farm with some friends just east of Harare in Zimbabwe near a town called Marondera.
It was an awesome trip.
It probably sounds quite strange to an outsider but I have always always wanted to visit Zimbabwe. I have no idea what it is that draws me there but I had never been until this weekend and although it seems desolate right now, you can see how it was once such a prosperous country and I absolutely love it.
At this time of year it seems days are dry and hot and evenings chilly. The colours on the trees are beautiful reds, oranges and goldens and shimmer in the winter sunshine. They tell me it is the harshest winter they have had for 60 years and everywhere is incredibly dry - bush fires are all over and burn brightly in the evening dusk. There are so few people around for it to affect anyone too much but that also means they are allowed to burn on as there in nobody to put those fires out. Rumour has it that 6 Million Zimbabweans have left (shocking - considering the population was only around 12 Million to start with!)
This mass migration really shows. Everywhere we drove is endless acres of abandoned farms. Mugabe's bright idea of chucking off the whites and giving the land to the blacks has worked out a treat! The war veterans took the land over - 'Thanks very much' - whilst the owners were told to leave, generally without more than a few hours notice, then the veterans came in and pillaged. Compensation was apparently offered to most of these farmers at of course the government's discretion. One quarter of this value was to be given on leaving the farm and the other three quarters over a period of 10 years. Most of the farmers (or all those I have knowledge of anyhow) did not take this compensation and therefore, although maybe living in another country right now far far away from Zim, they still hold the title deeds to their properties and pray that one day Mugabe will move on and someone else will take his place and give them back their land.
The war veterans were given perfectly good working farms for nothing - with better farming technology and equipment than you would find in the rest of Africa - and what was their next trick?!? - Sell it all - the tractors, the irrigation equipment, the fertilizer and the seeds, then winter set in there was nothing to eat on the land (as no one had actually tending the farming side of things) and then they just walked away. It is a terrible terrible tragedy - and although Mugabe puts it down to black and white - it really shouldn't be that way.
I do agree that the white Zimbabweans may be still a little backward in their way of looking at the world and do treat some of their menial workers with a little less respect than the majority of the world would agree with, but generally a little more education in respect for each other would of done it - rather than this anti-white movement that's going on.
Inflation is well read about the world over. Until you actually set foot in the country it really is almost impossible to imagine what is going on there though. The latest report I read was that inflation is running at 8000%. All I know is that since Mugabe slashed the prices for goods by 50% no-one could afford to sell anything and the shop shelves lie empty. Every day lives now seem to consist of queuing. Queue for bread, queue for sugar, queue for soap (if you're lucky enough to find a soap queue!), etc.
I went into the main supermarket in Marondera (once an obviously affluent town as I noticed a BMW showroom in the middle of town - it didn't have a roof or doors or windows as some lucky war veteran had obviously already sold those on, but it showed that not so long ago, there was money in this town), and there on those rows and rows of supermarket shelves was a lot of nothing. It seems if you're out for a bar of chocolate, a can of Heinz soup, or a half litre of dettol, then you're in luck. If you want some basic staples such as bread, butter, flour, etc. then forget it and go home - there isn't a chance of anything like that. And fuel is almost become a swear word - it just isn't available and what is, is only on the black market.
Where we stayed in the farm they were almost self sufficient and also fed most of their workers as much as possible (which I understand is quite illegal), and therefore we were really quite comfortable. What's so strange about being there is when you can actually buy stuff it is so cheap compared to our country, one fifth of the price it seems - but then salaries are one fifth too.
Gosh I could go on and on about the hardships that these people are dealing with as once there was some serious wealth (compared to us lot anyhow) and life was obviously rather comfortable for those with that cash. I must say I do see what Mugabe is trying to do but he really has gone completely overboard - it seems the power went to his head and he no longer sees clearly as the people suffering the most are those he was trying to originally help - the simple man - his 'war veterans'.
And after all this can I just say I absolutely loved the place and would live there tomorrow if given half a chance.