Friday, November 30, 2007

Serious Christmas Shopping !

Someone's definitely way up on me with his Christmas shopping, and damn fine idea in principle I thought .... Check this out .......

Thief makes off with 180 Guinness kegs

DUBLIN (Reuters) - A thief made off with 180 kegs of Guinness beer after smoothly driving into the Dublin brewery which makes the black stout and snatching a trailer load of drink, police said on Thursday.
The incident took place on Wednesday at the Guinness brewery on the banks of Dublin's River Liffey where Ireland's trademark tipple has been brewed for almost 250 years.
The lone raider's haul also contained 180 kegs of Budweiser and 90 barrels of Carlsberg lager, police said.

"A man drove into the yard in a truck and took a trailer containing the drink which has an estimated value of 64,000 euros (46.000 pounds)," a police spokesman said.
(Reporting by Jonathan Saul)
© Reuters 2007. All Rights Reserved.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Christmas shopping online

I’ve been looking through online shopping sites (– as you do of course when you’re at work and it is nearly December!! – I mean what else is that company paid for 24hour internet connection in aid of I ask you?)

Anyway, as I was saying, - I’ve been shopping and its absolutely fab – I’ve seen gorgeous things for me – lots of them and I want them all - although I really can’t afford them and sadly won’t be finding anyone else who could perhaps be persuaded to buy them for me – but no matter I’m actually supposed to be shopping for my son…….

No, better rephrase that – seeing as I’m at work
– I’m not of course supposed to be shopping for anyone –

but I was browsing interesting work related things and ……

“Oops look I happened to drop into the Amazon site”

– “Goodness me, now how did that happen??”

“Oh, well, now that I’m here – best make the most of it don’t you think?”

SO here I am doing a spot of Amazon shopping and I’m looking for a Playstation game that my son’s been going on about so I type in ‘BIONICLE PLAYSTATION’ into the ‘SEARCH’
…. And what pops up……………

Your search "bionicle playstation" did not match any products.
However, Amazon recommends….

Well how fab is that? – Some little robot that programmed the search engine must have a superb sense of humour.
Actually I was so impressed I decided that I really should own this book so I hit “BUY IT”, and of course then you get the ‘Perfect Partner’ recommendation which was even more impressive…

Well that’s it – I’m sold!!
Have added both to my ‘Wish List’ which of course I will then buy for myself!!

Oh damn – wasn’t I supposed to be small boy shopping?

Monday, November 26, 2007

The Monday Blues!

Wit, charm and anything else remotely resembling sanity seems to have totally escaped me today.

I’m just mad mad mad at the world – I think it must be the weather – its bloody raining again!

I can’t actually find anything really that I should be annoyed by but I so don’t want to be here at work, I so don’t want to be in this life – I want a new one – this one totally sucks!

Work is soooooooooooooooo boring today – I have absolutely no interest in anything.

Do you think it’s the weather, the depression or my age catching up with me?
Perhaps it’s a combination of the 3.

There’s a great blog I follow called ‘Running in Wellies’ and can you believe that poor woman has to deal with months of the year without even seeing the sun to speak of and yet here I am after 24 hours of rain whining like a baby!

My body is so not configured for cold and wet – it only does hot and dry.

Am thinking of emigrating – I wonder what the Gulf is like at this time of year – do they do rain there or just hot, dry and sandy? I think I could do with a bit of hot, dry and sandy.

If I was a celebrity – Do you think someone might come and get me out of here!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Preparing for a brighter future!

If this is us preparing for a brighter future - what hope do we have really?

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

My Dilemma

It seems that i am in a terrible dilemma at the moment. It may sound awfully bizarre to most women out there and perhaps totally normal for most men (I'm not really sure)- but i have this complete obsession about cars!

I have a perfectly good, functioning vehicle which actually i absolutely love and have no complaints about whatsoever. It fits my son and me in perfectly, (including the odd friend), and if you put the back seats down the two large hounds fit in quite nicely as well, but I just can't seem to shake this want I have for a new car!

It doesn't even have to be a 'new out of the showroom with that gorgeous smell' new, but just new to me. And all the ones on the road that I just obsess about when driving about town are enormous, diesel 4x4 machines.

I mean, what on earth do i need some enormous 8 seater fuel guzzling monster for? .. I can't really work it out but I just love them.

Now if I was my shrink (who of course I don't dare tell about my car obsession as I'll get labelled as over-compensating for something or other! - and I really don't need to hear that out loud!),
I would analyse this obsession thoroughly, so I thought I'd just do that for myself, so here goes ...............

Reasons for wanting an extremely large off road beast ...

1. The enormous amount of seats available mean that my son and I can pretend we have lots of friends in which to fill all those seats with and go places!

2. I can charge into the traffic at high speed and people will quake with fear in my wake!

3. I can fill the extremely large boot with extra hounds, or perhaps a small horse!

4. We can look like we do camping at weekends (although i feel i have a distinct allergy to canvas - at least we can look the part!)

5. When i get a puncture i can get some gorgeous hunk and his hi-lift jack to help me out
......... In fact that one sounds like such a good idea - I might just drive around town with a bunch of nails in my glove box in case of drop dead gorgeous man driving by!!

Truthfully, I think this obsession is a case of feeling bloody old and refusing point blank to accept that i may be officially 'middle aged'........... or perhaps it's just a distinct lack of sex ............

................... ER ......................... PROBABLY BOTH!

My Dating Days!!

Thought this little Andy Capp strip kind of summed up my dating days! ..........

....... it seems i've had far too many 'What-was-i-thinking-versary's' myself !!

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Great news for curvy women!

Now can I just say I have come across the most fab news I’ve heard in a long time about how marvellous it is to be well endowed in the bottom department!

It turns out some people (who don’t have too much else to do in life it seems) have done some research that shows that women with large hips are more intelligent than those with apple shaped or linear bodies!!

They say it’s probably a result of higher levels of Omega 3 fatty acids, (but I reckon its more likely that we store our brain cells in our bottoms and therefore have far more space for brains!!)

Now I’m very sorry if you’re stunning and sylph like but best you get some more fish oils down your necks girlfriends as us large arsed girlies are damn clever can I tell you – we might not fit into a size 8 or anything resembling ‘gorgeous’, but hey, we’ve got brains and ………… wait for it ……… we also produce cleverer children!!!

And as for fashion – turns out you don’t need a skinny arse for that one either as another study (from the University of the Bloody Obvious of Business) has shown that women have abandoned their skimpy underwear for …………….. CONTROL PANTS! Yes, control pants are the highest seller across the board according to John Lewis and Marks & Spencers with a staggering number of 5 pairs per minute being sold in the UK in the past 6 months!

And although some boring spoilsport Professor who teaches medicine at Cranfield University said 'the restrictive garments could cause breathing problems, heartburn and stomach ulcers' – I’d say ‘Pants!’ to him and get down to M&S underwear department to stock up on some smashing 'Bridget Jones' big knickers!

Turns out there is a god after all – and I reckon she must be a woman – I mean who else would give us big bums to make us more intelligent, and decide control pants are the latest fashion accessory!?!?!?

All my dreams have finally come true!

Friday, November 9, 2007

Happy IVGLDSW Day!

Today is International Very Good Looking, Damn Smart Woman's Day!

Please send this page to someone you think fits this description. (You do not of course need to send it back to me as I have already received it from a Very Good Looking, Damn Smart Woman! )

And remember this motto to live by:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO what a ride!'

Have a wonderful day !

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Kudos for Lady Justice!

This is an article from one of our Dailies in Nairobi.

"A woman admitted in court to immobilising her husband by taking away his artificial leg and crutches to force him to give her money.
The accused, was said to have committed the offence on November 4th in Thika.
She said her husband sold a plot for Shs 300,000/- and refused to part with some of the money for domestic uses.
She told the court that she took the move since she knew that the husband would squander the money.
The Chief Inspector who led the prosecution said a quarrel had ensued after the man refused to account for the proceeds from the sale of the plot.
Thika Chief Magistrate released the accused and ordered her to take the artificial leg and crutches back to the husband."

The Chief Inspector who took the woman to court was, of course, a man, and the Chief Magistrate who let her go, a woman!

Now who really thinks she was being unreasonable anyway? Wouldn’t it what any good self respecting wife would have done for a bit of housekeeping money in any part of the world! I think ‘kudos’ to her really – just a bit of a bummer the policeman got involved and locked her up because I think it would of worked a treat otherwise!!

Monday, November 5, 2007

Nursery Rhyme Updates - very UN PC versions!

I was sent these through these great nursery rhymes this morning and just had to share!
Please note these are absolutely 'SO NOT' politically correct ......... but i think they're jolly fab anyhow!!


(I of course shall be off just now to pick my son up from school and rehearse him through these for class tomorrow!)

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won a grand with Claims Direct.

It's Raining, It's Pouring.
Oh shit, it's Global Warming.

Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and everywhere that Mary went
the boys could see her thighs.

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man 'What have u got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simple Simon
"Pies you dickhead."

Mary had a little lamb
it ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its arse
and turned its wool to nylon.

Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
he kissed them too cause he was gay.

Jack and Jill Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
and grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

World News: Barmaid fined for crushing beer cans between breasts!

I just love this article i picked up from one of our dailies this morning:

"'Barmaid crushes beer cans between breasts:'
CANBERRA. An Australian barmaid has been fined for crushing beer cans between her bare breasts while an off-duty colleague has been fined for hanging spoons from her friend's nipples, police said...............”

I don’t mean to offend anyone but I think it sounded like a fab night out to me and I can’t believe that these days you get fined for having a laugh! And, by the way, it does sound like she was doing her bit for saving the planet by crushing those cans ready for recycling!
She should have been thanked NOT fined!

And hell, we all know; "If you've got it - Flaunt it!"

... No wonder I never go out any more ……. the consequences are just too expensive!!