Monday, March 31, 2008

Elections in Zim now tied . . . ?

Funnily enough latest 'official' rather delayed figures show they're . . . Er . . . Neck and neck!

Ooooh . . . Don't suppose any Kenyans have a slight deja vu feeling right now?

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Sunday, March 30, 2008

Update on Zim elections

Word is that Morgan Tsvangarai from the opposition MDC party is claiming outright victory in the presidential, parliamentary and civic elections.

The official word is there will be no official word until tomorrow on the results.

It's so exciting for them. I do hope the opposition has won and this is not what happened here in Kenya where people jumped the gun and the 'official' results then caused an outbreak of chaos when they didn't correspond.

Zimbabwe is an amazing country and does not deserve the treatement it's currently getting.

I'm most definitely keeping my fingers crossed for them, if only to hope that they can show that democracy does have a place in Africa and that power hungry politicians should not be allowed to steal that from its people!

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Saturday, March 29, 2008

Turns out our Electoral process has got nothing on Zimbabwe’s…

This morning Zimbabwe goes to the polls and from Kenya, the land of successfully dodgy elections, I think we should be wishing all Zimbabweans jolly good luck.

Independent polls put the opposition in a landslide victory position but the only ‘genuine’ poll that has come out from the Zimbabwe’s government shows President Mugabe with a 57% lead.

Mmmmm, how convenient when he needs 50% to keep ruling the country.

This morning on the international news, Robert Mugabe was quoted as saying that he has “a sense of honesty”, and he would not be able to “sleep with his conscience” if he’d cheated on the elections, and why does he need to anyway seeing as the “people” are on his side!

Don’t suppose anyone’s got a spare prescription of sleeping pills they can send him?

But hey, who am I to judge his ideas on “Free and Fair Elections”. The fact that it is common knowledge that at least 50,000 dead people are on the electoral roll, those voters registered that may swing the oppositions way haven’t been told which polling station they have been registered at, television sets, generators and vehicles have been bought for various government officials in the past couple of weeks, oh, and rather a lot of people on the ‘correct side of the fence’ have had their salaries miraculously raised for the coming month. Surely none of this has anything at all to do with the voting process. Coincidence works in mysterious ways don’t you know?

Anyway just to make sure they do have a peaceful day, Mugabe has ensured that all polling stations are full of his own policemen, because heaven forbid the opposition supporters may cause any nonsense, like voting for anyone but the President himself, at least the police are in place to sort it out.

‘Independent’ observers have been brought in of course, but only from countries with which President Mugabe enjoys a spot of free trading. He’ll have none of those anti-Mugabe EU colonialist lot because they’re a totally uncontrollable bunch what with their “human rights” nonsense, and “stop starving the people who don’t vote for you” rubbish. I mean for goodness sake, why should he be feeding people who are against his regime? Let those ones fend for themselves!

I do hope he invited Kenya’s electoral commission down there for a spot of observing. I understand they are a very reliable bunch of fellows with cases of making sure the “right man” wins………

Oh, shame, sorry Mr Mugabe, we can’t help you out there, I understand we’ve got a spot of bother our end and they’re all under investigation in an international independent enquiry.

Oh well, at least there’ll be none of that twaddle for you Zimbabweans when the President wins. It’ll just be business as usual and all those colonialists and their mumbo jumbo rights concerns can get knotted.

Personally I think if I was a Zimbabwean I might just not bother getting out of bed today as chances are it’ll not be worth paying that 10 Million dollar bus fare to get yourself down the polling station.

But then again, miracles are known to have happened – even in Africa.

(Perhaps not in Kenya I may add, but still….)

So I shall sit here watching the news and wait for the official results – perhaps not with baited breath – but I shall await the results all the same, and perhaps keep my toes crossed that someone somewhere may have the audacity to help knock Robert Mugabe off his pedestal and beat him in these elections.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Our "Grand Coalition" government is at 'stalemate' ..

Well after all the ‘how to lose some kilos’ advice I was offered, I thought I’d better get to it. Then in this last couple of days on the British news, there is a story that has really caught my eye.

There’s been lots of talk of this website called Miss Bimbo, which is aimed at 9 to 16 year old girls, in which they are told to buy their virtual characters breast enlargement surgery and to keep them “waif thin” with diet pills, and it really made me think ….

It’s not 9 to 16 year olds that should be worried about the kind of rubbish it promotes, such as who’s got the trendiest hair do, clothes and skinniest body (with or without plastic surgery), but it should be shut down and immediately relaunched as a 25+ years old only site and it’ll be an instant hit !

I mean you only need read the front page of the site;

Become the hottest, coolest most famous bimbo ever!
Become the most famous, beautiful, sought after bimbo across the globe!
• Find your own cool place to live.
• Find a fun job to pay for your needs and all the clothes a Bimbo could possibly want.
• Date that famous hottie you've had your eye on and show the Bimbo world the social starlet you are!
• Even resort to meds or plastic surgery. Stop at nothing to become the reigning bimbo!

I’ll join up, get myself some diet pills, plastic surgery and some designer clothes and I’ll be all set to reface you bloggers out there as I resurface as Miss Bimbo Chick 2008, and I know you’ll all be dead impressed !

...... Then I took a look at our own headlines this morning;

"Parties want Annan to resolve stalemate"
“PNU and ODM blame each other after deadlock over how to share key posts”, and
“MP’s take a 3 week break” from Parliament - the "big house with no business to transact”,

and it got me thinking ……..

We could start an internet game here just for all our Kenyan Members of Parliament to give them something useful to do whilst they take yet another break, and it could perhaps stop their bickering and renewed threats of mass action. They could earn ‘power points’ instead of ‘bimbo attitude points’. They could even earn themselves cash, but only by completing different challenges online, and then they could be granted different ministries as per their outcomes of the various challenges.

Normal everyday people such as ourselves would think up the challenges and WE would decide WHO deserves each ministry – whether from the PNU or the ODM camp, it would be OUR choice!

You could have the solving of security problems challenge where you could resettle all the IDP’s safely back into their own homes without any further tribalism around to drive them out again, and if you won the challenge you could be awarded the MINISTRY OF INTERNAL SECURITY.

If you rebuilt streets that were totalled during the troubles such as those in Kisumu, you could perhaps garner yourself the MINISTRY OF HOUSING & DEVELOPMENT, and if you could persuade all foreign embassies to remove their travel warnings and accept you as an ‘honest type’, you could perhaps win yourself the MINISTRY OF FOREIGN AFFAIRS……
(Then again, it may be tricky for any one of our 200+ MP’s to win that challenge, I’m not sure ‘honesty’ is quite up their street.)

The MINISTRY OF EDUCATION will only be got by putting in some decent plans for free education that don’t relate to the nonsense of “building funds”, but actually genuinely give free schooling. Then the MINISTRY OF LOCAL GOVERNMENT would be given to someone who can actually prove that a plan of keeping the matatu’s out of the city centre and giving the contract of shuttle services to a few ‘friendly’ companies (and NOT ‘at a price’) will actually help the traffic congestion and will not just be a way to make an extra buck on the side and meanwhile heaping yet more costs onto the common wanainchi.

They could earn themselves Mercedes, security details, take away girlfriends and even extra salaries but instead of all this coming out of our hard earned taxes, it could be all virtual cash and controlled by virtual bankers (– such as me of course who will take up the MINISTRY OF FINANCE), who shall allow only necessary provisions for drawings of real cash by paying ALL MP’s bills direct.

Although all ‘virtual’ and ‘online’, these MP’s would be earning themselves a ton, have Mercs stashed at each of their various residences, and a ‘sweetie’ housed in the Penthouse suite at the Nairobi Safari Club.

All this will do their street credibility wonders, the real cash would still lie in the Central Bank coffers and would not actually be spent on these Members of Parliament and their fictitious expenses, but could be finally used properly on real projects that would have been thought up originally as challenges on line with proper input coming from real Kenyans living real lives and not those living in their posh mansions surrounded by cotton wool and not having a real clue as to what the rest of Kenya is actually going through.

I reckon this game has the potential to most definitely sort the men from the boys (or the women from the girls for that matter), and get our country finally back on the right track!

And if, by the way there was a problem with the adjudication of the whole event, (we’d be sure not to have the ECK involved in any online tallying!), there wouldn’t be calls of mass action but instead online internet hours would be limited to the side seen as not behaving themselves! That way, our MPs would need to complete their challenges more competently in less time, therefore actually making use of their brains for once perhaps for something more useful than finding out which clothes to pack for their next ‘retreat’.

Excellent plan don’t you think?

I think we should go ahead with it immediately.

We’ll call it

Right, first things first;
“Hands up, Who wants to be President??”

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Kenya Today . .

As usual our government has its priorities skewed . . .

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Sunday, March 23, 2008

Who needs enemies ……?

Well yesterday I decided it was about that time in the year when I should remove my lardy arse from its dent that its settled into in the sofa and get it out there and back onto a horse seeing as I haven’t actually sat on one for over a month and polo season will be once more upon us in a few weeks time.

So off I went down to the stables feeling all self righteous that I had at last decided to get some exercise in and what greeted me – but streams of abuse!!

First of all I was asked the usual “Habari ya kupotea?” which literally translates as “How are you since you’ve been lost?” – and is obviously a polite version of “Where the bloody hell have you been?”

Anyway of course I replied with the usual excuses,

“I’ve been so busy at work” – Pathetic

“I’ve been away” – Lies

And what I should have said; “Actually I’m just a lazy git” – which of course would have been the ultimate truth but being the oh so pathetic girl that I am – best not mention the truth, but flower it with poor excuses and white lies!

Well there was nothing like poor excuses and white lies in return when I got on those horses let me tell you.

First of all – I realised they’d grown in the last few weeks (although of course they’re not supposed to do that at their age, they most definitely have), as I found it rather a long way up to raise my leg to get it in those stirrups let me tell you. In fact I haven’t had my leg up that high in months!!

Then off I toddled onto the ground, stick in hand to whack a few balls. Well there’s another thing that’s obviously changed in the last few months – the bloody ball has shrunk – I’m sure they thought I wanted a game of ping pong and had brought me something that seemed golf ball sized from all the way up there on top of the horse and my judgement was a little off shall we say!

Anyway after a few hits it seems my eyes adjusted to the size of the ball and it grew with every stroke back to the normal size of a polo ball which was great. My horses however were another story as, after their time off eating lots and doing little exercise, they have all turned it into 'Trojan horse' and proceeded to tow me from one end of the ground to the other!

The whole affair caused great hilarity amongst the syces (grooms to those of you not from these parts), and they all sat on the sidelines in hysterics.

When I finally made it back to the sideline myself, red faced and puffing and gracefully exited my horse by swinging my leg gracefully over the back of the saddle, and promptly collapsing into a heap on the floor, the syces were full of advice.

The smallest of them started it off – obviously it was a case of ‘smallest first and if he gets damned then the rest of us can keep our mouths shut’, so the small fellow says to me;

“That horse has a lot of energy doesn’t it?”

Er – understatement of the year, and he continues,

“You know, perhaps you should go home and do some press ups and then you might be able to stop him.”

– Oh Ok, thanks fellow, that’s fab – perhaps I could have done that spot of advice a little earlier before the horse ripped my shoulder out of its socket, but hey thanks, nice one….

Then the second bravest syce pipes up;

“Perhaps if you went for a run you might have a bit more energy.”

– Er, yea, right, ok, ....

But no they hadn’t quite finished with me yet, and the third guy takes his turn;

“Yes, and if you lost some few kilos of weight, the horse might become a little speedier too!!”

Well, bloody thanks a lot. So to sum it up I’m a fat git who should be doing a few press ups and running to the stables so that I give the horses backs a bit of a break, and to stop the excessive hilarity I seem to be causing in the pony lines ..........

Actually, I laughed so loud, and it made me realise. If a friend had said any of those things to me I’d have been mortified and probably told them to “Bugger Off” – in of course my bestest English mind! But for these guys, they haven’t said all those words to hurt my feelings, but they are just being brutally honest, and really that’s how we all should be, and for that I think they’re all fab.

I’m telling you, if you want a 100% honest opinion on whether your bum looks big in that – ask one of the syces, because I can assure you, they will tell you how it is, not what you want to hear perhaps, but the candid facts.

Damn, I should have popped down those stables long ago. I needed the wake up call of the fact that I’m a fat lazy git because unless someone gives it to me straight, my mind is a fabulous thing and can hide the good old honest truth from me for weeks with that thing going on in my head with the angelic part and the devil part and I’ll just hear what I want to hear!

My internal head conversations generally go something like;

Little Devil: “Christ Woman, look at the bleeding size of you, you fat git. Get off your backside and stop eating for goodness sake”

Little Angel: “Gosh, the big wardrobe* seems to be getting a little tight, I must look into changing our washing powder as this variety seems to shrink everything. Another chocolate biscuit anyone?”

*Just a quick note on ‘the big wardrobe’. It’s a phenomenon that occurs amongst most women that verifies the need for double the wardrobe space of any man, and it’s that we have ‘fat clothes’ and ‘thin clothes’. The thin clothes are for when you’re feeling thin, fit and fabulous and the fat clothes are for when you’re feeling bloated, irritable and downright bloody moody quite frankly. In my house the thin clothes haven’t had much of an outing recently, and even the fat ones are getting decidedly tight which means best I do exactly what the syces told me and stop eating crap, do some press ups and go for a run, because I cannot possibly justify, or for that matter afford, an even larger fat wardrobe right now just through the effects of my extreme laziness.

… Hmmmm,

“Chuck us those crisps will you, there’s a doll.”!!

Friday, March 21, 2008

Happy Fluffy Bunny & Chocolate Day ......

Can you believe I'm in the office all alone working on some project or other that has to be redone 35 million times before it 'sounds right' - I mean for goodness sake, I've been told all the information is there and correct but "it is more the way it is presented".... anal bunch of b..... Ooooooooh, sorry about that, got myself all worked up there for a second.

(And for anyone out there who knows me, you'll know that the way this project is about to be presented (if I am made to redo it a FOURTH time), is slapped around the chops let me tell you ...)

Meanwhile I have a smashing bunch of workmen in the room next door smashing a dirty great hole through the outside wall into the next door building. (Damn people obviously missed out on the 'TAKE EASTER WEEKEND OFF' memo - even though my entire office staff seemed to have conveniently slotted that memo into front page memory and are absolutely nowhere to be found - sensible lot!)

I of course, am sitting here peering through the dust with my head pounding and my heart jealous that everyone else in on their 'hols', so I've switched the volume up full blast on my computer and am singing along to this .......

Join me and Have a Jolly Fab Easter and may I wish you lots of chocolate bunnys and eggs and other yummy things ........

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Just checking if I'm actually sane .....

Driving along in the car this afternoon i noticed this lovely creeper hanging over the wall of one of the houses I passed on my way to the school to pick up my son.

Sorry about the slightly fuzzy picture but I was driving remember and this is taken with my phone, but this is the creeper I spotted with its gorgeous orange flowers ....

(NOTE TO SELF - Try and keep the eyes on the road whilst driving - saves money as you tend not to hit so many cars in front of you in the backside if you're actually looking in a forward direction.)

Anyway - sorry to divert there for a second but I just realised that I remember something about that in the highway code - something about keeping your eyes on the road ahead rather than watching the passers by on the pavement and admiring passing architecture, as this tends to lead to the increase in road accident statistics - which believe me in this country - need NO encouragement.

But, as I was saying, i noticed this very pretty creeper with bright orange flowers on the side of the road, and I had one of those 'flashback' moments to my childhood that brought a smile to my face, and that was - the taste of those pretty orange flowers!!

I remember vividly fighting with other kids over those flowers at boarding school as we never got any sweet things and we always seemed to have sugar cravings - and those bright orange flowers are 'honeysuckles'. If you take out the middle of the flower (it'll probably be the stamen I should imagine - not entirely sure though as I think I might have nodded off in that part of biology lesson - the excitement of the different parts of flowers I always found totally overwhelming), but if you take that middley bit out and suck on it it is jolly jolly sweet and yummy, and then that got me thinking......

I haven't eaten any grass recently.....

No, stop right there, NOT that wacky backy type of grass, but the good old plain green stuff that horses, cows and other animals tend to snack upon, you know like this stuff ......

Anyway you see that light green bit of grass that I've so brilliantly taken a photo of (- its the fuzzy, out of focus bit, in case you're not sure what I'm on about), well that bit of the grass is really juicy and sweet and yummy too.

And then that really got me thinking,

"Christ alive, do you think they didn't actually feed us in boarding school or do you think I'm just slightly insane?"

Mmmmm, I think I'll leave you to decide that one ..................

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

New Kenya begins . .

Parliament has just broken up and has passed the bills to set Kenya's first coalition government.

Deep breath in, big sigh of relief, and let's get on with it . . .

Bring it on !

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Monday, March 17, 2008

This is my Monday .....

Arrrghh ..............

......... I do hope you're faring better !

Saturday, March 15, 2008

MP’s Stashing Cash

I just read this post by a fab friend over at Sukuma Kenya about our MP’s latest “lets feed ourselves first scheme”, which is about ‘the plans of treasury to siphon off billions of shillings out of public coffers into the MP’s retirement kitty.’

Surely, this has come as no surprise to any of us. I mean, ultimately, why do any of these people vie for a seat in parliament anyway ….

“Er, cash of course …. What else is there ?”

“Sorry, helping the country and its people, are you kidding?”

“Don’t be ridiculous now. Those promises of help are just words spoken on campaign trails in order to get elected. Surely, you don’t actually expect me to seriously achieve any of them, do you?”

“Ohhhhh, You Do?”

“Ah, interesting point, I’ll have to have an all expenses trip to the coast with all my other overpaid friends to consult on that one.”
"I'll get back to you............."

All these people take whopping bank loans in order to finance their ‘campaigning’ (– or paying of the people to vote for you.) They know full well that they will be able to pay the money back extremely quickly once they're elected and once they’ve worked out which approved local project that they promised they can siphon the cash off from.

Towards the end of the last parliament when the MP’s panicked on realising they may just be on their way out the door, they rushed themselves through a bill approving each of them a cool 5Million shilling (around US$75,000), handshake on retirement.
It was the one day in the entire 5 years of that parliament sitting that attendance was over 90%! Mmmmm, Funny that!

Now we have a new bunch of fresh faces sitting in the house, it has dawned on them that many of the ‘old faces’ were voted out and the chances are (seeing as most of them are totally unqualified, inexperienced and incompetent to hold such positions in government anyway), they too will be voted out 5 years from now.

So, first things first.
'Best get our retirement fund organized and then we can get on with the trivial thing of running the country.'

'You know siphoning off cash isn’t so easy these days with all those ‘transparency’ chaps looking over your shoulder, and you never know the day they may finally actually catch up with you.'
Rumour has it, that interviews for the vacant post of Executive Director for the Kenya Chapter of Transparency International are currently being conducted and that doesn’t bode well if you’re newly elected and not quite au fait with how to tap as much cash as possible off every project you’re involved in.

Once these MP’s have spent 5 years earning their 800 thousand shillings + (around $12,000 +) per month, you know there’s always going to be that small problem of then being able to sustain themselves in the manner to which they have become accustomed, and you surely can’t expect them to ever accept to being everyday wanainchi like the rest of us ever again.

Face it, they’re now someone don’t you know, and by the way ….


Thursday, March 13, 2008

A change of profession perhaps ....

As I sit here at home basking in the glory of our 'New Kenya', the power in my house is flashing on and off, on and off at regular 3 second intervals.

Mmmm, so this is what we have to look forward to.

Oh, Goody!

I have had to switch all electrics off and most of the lights and the few that remain on... and off ... on .. and off ... on - you get the point - are driving me a little insane. It's like being at a 70's disco with an incredibly dull tune playing so the strobes are in 'bored' mode.

Actually after yesterday's little episode of your man in the states, the marvellous governor Eliot Spitzer, aka "Client 9", allegedly paying thousands of dollars to some "'petite brunette' only known as 'Kristen'", for 'services rendered' we assume, I'm thinking of changing the light bulb on my verandah to a red one to see if I too could perhaps get lucky and have some sad politician pay me tons of cash so that I can also become rich and famous and give up the day job! Seeing as the damn lights won't stop flashing, I might as well put them to good use wouldn't you say.

Latest news from

When the Emperors Club VIP said it was sending Kristen, a call girl described as a "petite, very pretty brunette," Client 9 was pleased. "Great, OK, wonderful," he said, according to an affidavit. Client 9, later revealed to be New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer, was caught arranging the liaison on a federal wiretap. It was the beginning of the end for him.

Also you'll be jolly pleased to know that our 'Prime Minister Designate' was assigned 120 security guards today to watch over his every move 24 hours a day. They have apparently all undergone 'day and night two week intensive training', including 'crash courses on how to jump in to moving cars, where to position themselves in public places and how to walk with the VIP they would be protecting.'

""You will not see any member of the PM escort jumping out of a moving car like a tout. They will all be professional", added the senior police officer."

So you see, if I practise my moves for jumping in and out of moving vehicles without taking off into the car park at high speed, avoiding tripping over the curb and not diving head first back into the moving Merc - I should be in with a damn good chance of a position there perhaps - and especially as the lucky buggers were all given a whole 10,000 Kenya Shillings each (the equivalent of a measly US$150 ish) to kit themselves out in new suits, ties and collared shirts, I'm sure some second hand mitumba clothes sales market did some stonking trade this afternoon as with that kind of cash they surely wouldn't be shopping in 'real' shops with new clothes on sale!
So there's yet another opportunity for me - second hand clothes sales down the market.

Mr Kenyatta, the Minister for Local Government, I hear has been an absolute honey and put the daily rental down to 50/- a day for a stall at the smashing new multi-million shilling Muthurwa Hawker’s Market that no one has any intention of occupying it seems, (even though it is only 25/- at all other City Council run trader markets). Then of course you need to get past the 'Mungiki' (a gang of self styled thugs that are trying to run the show by their own rules and also need to be paid 'a small fee'), to get yourselves a slot, and of course actually find some customers as most of them are still hanging out in the Central Business District and won't go near the market for fear of their own personal security.

Well, Well, How lucky am I?
It seems the 'New Kenya' is our oyster.
- that is of course if I don't go completely deranged before morning with these flashing lights surrounding me doing my head in!

Christ Alive, Where's the 'Hedex Extra Strength' when you need it?

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Scandal – Kenya vs USA

Breaking news on CNN this morning when I woke up was;

“Sex Scandal Threatens Key Democrat”.

“New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, a key backer of Hilary Clinton, who rose to prominence by rooting out corruption, was facing calls to resign Tuesday over allegations that he paid thousands of dollars to a prostitute.”

Here in Kenya “Political Gossip” from one of our local dailies went like this;

“An MP from Western Province was held briefly Friday night when he was soliciting for sex. Police pounced on the MP at a parking lot with a half naked girl. The girl admitted the MP was just sampling the goods before they reached an agreement on the price. The policemen held the MP for one hour before they released him after he paid a substantial amount of money.”

Hmmmm, spot the difference and similarities between the stories.

For similarities, I have;

1. Turns out all men of power have to buy sex in order to get any at all!

2. Corruption is most definitely everywhere, no matter what the 'good guys' say.
3. You will eventually be caught out.
4. When you do happen to get caught, do what you can to get out of it smelling of roses.

... and the only difference I can see is that in Kenya no one really gives a damn for a small scandal anyhow, as 'Who are you?' unless you have a spot of 'take-away' going on somewhere, and if that means buying it, and then buying the silence of the cops so they don't let onto your wife - so be it!
If, the press gets hold of the story, it's not really an issue, you can just go with -

"You know you cannot believe a thing these journos write dahling,

they cannot tell one MP from another.

They are all just tribalists !"

The only thing I do advise to the Governor in the States is, perhaps he should have also done a little ‘sampling’ before parting with his cash ! Apparantly, that's the done thing to do :-)

Monday, March 10, 2008

Apparently It's all about golf ............

Yesterday was the final day of the 'Tusker Kenya Open Golf Championship', the only gold tournament we have here yearly that is on the international circuit - so quite the big deal for us.

Anyway, it was a rather 'honourable' affair with both Messer’s Kibaki and Odinga showing up to follow the final holes and how jolly cordial it was too (although I’m not sure why anyone couldn’t have provided them both with a peaked cap or a pair of shades?!)

We all know Kibaki is rather fond of the game and apparently some other Kenyans got quite into another type of golf over the past few weeks - although not with the correct etiquette that is expected of golfers generally the world over.

It seems Raila has decided that now he is 'Prime Minister Designate' - perhaps it’s about time he learnt a thing or too about the 'gentlemen's sport'. - Probably because he's just been told that the meaning of the word, (GOLF - Gentlemen only, ladies forbidden), and he's thought it a brilliant plan to get away from his wife for the afternoon. It would certainly explain a lot as to why Kibaki's such a fanatic about the game .......

After the tournament was over Kibaki and Raila both sat together and both gave a small speech. Kibaki started and read from cards as usual and talked of peace and reconciliation, and he didn’t stumble too badly over it which was a bonus (perhaps because the word ‘ethnicity’ was kept out of it for the international audience). Then Raila followed with an amusing tale comparing Kenya to the game of golf and how they took their eye off the ball, landed in the bunker and it has taken the pair of them to get it out ‘using the right club’!

Personally I think he should have used a quote from Robert Lynd ~ It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place this world is when one is playing golf.

The killings here in Kenya haven't gone away and continue sporadically. Just over the last few days at least 10 people have lost their lives. In Laikipia district they say it is all about cattle rustling and in the Burnt Forest area it is still an unsolved land issue, so as the politicians get friendly and have a lovely day out, Kenyans are still practising their pyromaniac skills and houses are burning and lives being lost, and as much as we are discouraged from using the taboo ‘tribal’ word, I do wish someone would talk me through the fact that even the parliamentarians are now on a mission about getting ‘one of their own people’ into the more powerful ministries.

However, one thing that I do personally think is positive is perhaps now that we have one Kikuyu and one Luo at the top end in positions of extreme supremacy, perhaps the untrustworthiness between the tribes may actually turn to benefit Kenyans as surely they will be watching each other very closely to make sure the right thing is seen to be done.

Sunday, March 9, 2008

Food for Thought for International Women's Day

Yesterday was International Women's Day and so therefore today my post is dedicated to the woman's struggle and the nonsense that we ladies have to put up with because we are, well women!

I think this is really quite a vital subject that relates to the woman's form and that I really felt worth covering today of all days as it is of course a truly international issue, and that is the subject of name badges.

Now did you know that according to independent research, companies whose employees wear name badges are perceived by the public as more friendly, helpful and professional - and employees themselves say their name badges help promote a sense of pride and improve customer care.

“Marvellous”, you say, but can I tell you that yesterday at lunch I observed something quite disturbing that I felt needs much more research with regards to employees and their name badges.

Have you noticed that waitresses tend to attach their name badges to their shirt on the left hand side pocket, and in absence of a pocket – then on the part of the shirt where one would expect to find the pocket perhaps. This is fine for those less well endowed ladies but for those with a little more going in the fun bag department, this does mean of course perching this name badge in an extremely prominent place basically slap bang in the middle of their left tit.

Now you may think that this is all very well and dandy, but there is one major problem here. What I observed is that in customers who are perhaps a little more elderly than the average, they seem not to be quick enough to catch the name on the badge in the usual polite cursory glance, and therefore tend to enquire of said waiting staff their title, and what happens next is really quite startling!

Instead of the waitress just answering “Betty”, “Faith”, or whatever else her name may be, it seems the done thing is to thrust said badge at the questioning person, which means of course thrusting one’s left breast straight into the sight line of probing old bloke!

Now this is all very well to give said old chap an eyeful but what on earth will it do to his heart, or for that matter his digestive system right before he’s about to order his lunch?

But here’s the thing – if these waitresses don’t wear their badge on their left boob, then where on earth else is there to wear it which could be deemed relatively ‘safe’?

I mean, right bosom has obviously the same drawback as the left and so that’s no good, middle of the shirt is even less secure as it would mean thrusting entire cleavage. Wearing the badge any lower down the shirt is blatantly uncouth as making eye contact with ladies you don’t know somewhere around waist level or below is certainly not well-mannered, and so therefore the only alternative I can see is by sticking the badge on their forehead, but I don’t quite see that doing the waitresses self-esteem much good and you might as well stick a dunce cap on their head.

So you see, research is most definitely lacking in this sector, and I really feel it’s my ethical duty to do something about this. I think I shall write a 100+ page proposal (they love a lot of paper these chaps), that I shall distribute about all the NGO’s in these parts in order for someone to give me some funding so that I can continue with this investigation.

I mean certainly this debate relates to public health and women's rights, (both of which I’ve found is a great thing if you’re looking for a spot of donor money), and it is most definitely a deserving cause wouldn’t you think.

Also, at the end of the day, they’d surely rather give me money than wasting it on giving it out to some clandestine government project so that all those politicians can waste it on their fancy houses, four wheel drives and bodyguards who haven’t yet learnt how to get out of a car properly.

Friday, March 7, 2008

All seems very friendly !

Well, yesterday Parliament was finally opened with some extra pomp and flair and what a jolly friendly affair it turned out to be.

Kibaki arrived in his usual style with red carpets and a jolly long motorcade with roads blocked and traffic tailed back out into the suburbs. Even Raila arrived in a much more dignified manner in his Lexus with the goons in the Navy Mercedes way behind so no chance of them showing him up again!

There was lots of hugging, 'opposition' MP's finally sat together, and there seemed to be a lot of laughter. There was some scheming of course - but that can't be helped I'm sure (- I mean you can only be elected to parliament if you can prove you're totally two faced - I think that's a prerequistite), and of course there was some unofficial closing of the eyes and nodding of the heads as the regulars dropped off to sleep.

Kibaki's speech was all about peace and reconciliation - but the words were written by someone somewhere knowing the International Press would be watching Kibaki yesterday, as the English language used in his speech had lots of jolly big words that Kibaki stammered over (much to the amusement of the Parliament), and at the end of the day - it all sounded like an insincere load of crap actually.

But anyway, we have to hope that whatever the words said, what he meant was "We shall work as a team and put Kenya back onto its feet."

Lucy Kibaki was suspiciously missing from the grand occasion. The official press report says she is at home recovering from an unspecified illness, rumours in the press say she doesn't like Raila's wife and therefore refused to appear and share pleasantries with the women. Personally I think that after the shenanigans of the past couple of months and all the court cases that are now pending against her, I should think our dear President has had quite enough of giving out goats and has had her locked up in a padded room and thrown away the key!!

Anyway today I shall have faith in my country and its new beginnings and shall block the past from my mind ..........
for the next one hour anyway just so that I can relax and have a coffee and think happy thoughts.........
THEN, I shall be back on the warpath. (I hear there's some serious accusations on the BBC about our politicians that I must get round to reading and ripping into.)

Do have a jolly good day yourselves too thinking happy thoughts because its FURIHDAY, thoughts are free and kidding ourselves that life is perfect is a fun thing to do once in a while. It costs nothing and seems to flush out the cobwebs.

As my son told me this morning as I crawled out of my bed with a pounding headache and after no sleep at all as an alarm had been going off continuously all night right outside my bedroom window, save for the couple of minutes every few hours when the guard tried to reset the damn thing, and it stopped briefly;

"Well Mum, at least you had 120 seconds of quiet sometime in the night!"
- He's right, I should be thankful.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Raila's new security detail ....

This was an article in one of our newspapers this morning, which detailed Raila's new found status as "Might be PM if it goes through Parliament Thursday", and his upgraded security detail, and apart from making me think;
"Oh Goody, yet another way for you people to waste my hard earned cash",
it reminded me of the most spectacular performance that I saw last night on the news.

"Raila gets taste of power"

".. the feel of power is already there, with the hawk-eyed security officers drawn from the Recce Unit of the General Service Unit, ".." who dangled from their chase cars in the typical antics they perform when the President arrives for functions."

Well can I tell you, "dangled" was the operative word.

Obviously being new to the power of having '25' Mercedes and '90' highly armed personnel in posh suits following him about, Raila didn't quite carry the whole arrival thing off as slickly as he perhaps should have.

On the news, they showed a video of the arrival of both Kibaki and Raila at Harambee House for their meeting yesterday with the 'full security detail'.

It starts off with Kibaki's motorcade.

First Merc slows down and as it comes to a stop two chaps hop out of the back and then rush back down the line of Mercs and open the door for Kibaki.

Then Raila's turn.

The motorcade appears, navy blue Merc in front as Kibaki's but before the driver has a chance to slow down the back doors fly open and two fellows jump out of the back before the car comes to a standstill. One ends up running off into the car park as he can't stop and the other one nearly falls on his face on the pavement.

I laughed so hard!

I think they forgot to tell the new security detail that those jokers who hang out of the car doors when they are arriving somewhere, do actually wait for it to almost come to a standstill before they hit the ground running !!

Then when Raila was leaving we got a similar cartoon ......

You see that fellow on the left of this picture. Well he misjudged his timing in the whole performance a little.

As the two goons on either side of the Merc jumped into the back seats, the whole motorcade sped up, and the fellow on the left nearly got left behind and had to dive head first into the front seat. It was priceless.

I think they must have missed their lessons in how to get into and out of a moving car without looking completely foolish !!

- Never mind, perhaps if they're lucky and ask nicely, Najib Balala (from the 'Pentagon' team who rode to the venue with Raila), will give them a few tips as I must say I did notice how well he hopped out of the back of the Lexus !!

............ Probably because he waited for it to STOP - You never know!

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

I think GADO read my mind !

This is the cartoon by 'Gado' in The Daily Nation this morning.
It sums up what worries me rather a lot.
Is this really the 'change' we were expecting?,
and is it the change that we really wanted?
- Shared parliaments, no opposition, and more ministries created to satisfy the power hungry and share the wealth amongst the elected big wigs?
What happened to the average Kenyan who was promised a new life if he cast his vote appropriately?

I do hope to god that it all works out.

I do suppose we have no choice but to stick with George Michael;

"'Cause I gotta have faith ........... !"

- I would have like to have given you a bit of hip swinging as well to go with the song, but you'll have to forgive me as I'm afraid I'm a little creaky this morning after overdoing it at last weeks celebratory dancing session !

Sunday, March 2, 2008

Kofi Annan finally gets to go home

Well Mr Annan finally left us this morning. I bet Mr Kibaki is mightily relieved to see the back of him as he’ll probably feel that he won’t get harassed into anymore giving way now.

Kofi got waved off by a pile of dignitaries, a lot of farewell singing and a Civil servant who gave him a white cockerel, “a gift he said represented ordinary poor Kenyans who suffered most during the nearly two months of violence sparked by last year's disputed presidential elections results.”

Well, I wonder what Kenya Airways will say about that little number packed in his luggage! Lets hope it wasn’t an overnight flight or the pilot’s going to get an awful shock when he’s about to land at his next destination and the cockerel starts crowing. He’ll probably think it’s a warning signal that one of the engines is shutting down! Anyway, I suppose if it doesn’t survive the plane journey they’ll always be a chance of fresh chicken and chips at the other end, so there’s a bonus for the man!

I bet he was really glad he came now and spent over one month of his life listening to grown men and women bickering whilst people were slaughtered around their feet, because at least, after the one and a half months away from home, he’s got something to show for all his hard work.

Personally I feel a little bit frightened, a bit like a small child who’s been left alone for the first time without their parents and isn’t quite sure what might happen next, but has no choice but to keep faith with their surroundings and hope that everything will turn out just fine, exactly like their parents assured them it would.

The talks will continue under the leadership of a Nigerian former minister Oluyemi Adeniji who is to take over from Mr Annan as chairman of negotiations between PNU and ODM, but in theory this is to now handle the small print, but you know what they say; “Always be careful of the small print and make sure you read it VERY carefully”.

Anyway let’s hope that they don’t argue too much over it and it all stays friendly.

I’m sorry I don’t have a prize winning cockerel to give to Mr Annan to show my appreciation for what he has done for us but I do hope he can accept my thanks anyway. Ta Ta ...

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Saturday, March 1, 2008

I've so missed out.

Oh bloody buggery bollocks, I’ve damn well gone and missed my chance.

Oooooooh gosh, sorry about all the jolly bad words I’ve slipped in there. Lucky my son doesn’t read this or all that blasphemy would have cost me a small fortune.

Anyway, back to the point ………..

Yesterday was the 29th of February, and what does that mean?
Huh, Huh, huh, anyone know? ………….

Now don’t get smart with me and tell me that it's a day that only comes along once every four years and what a jolly lucky day it must therefore be for anyone who was born on the 29th as they finally get to celebrate again. I suppose it must be a bit of a bummer that, having a birthday only once every four years – I mean, think of all the pressies you miss out on for the other three years in between when you don’t get a birthday – Mind you, it must keep you young!

Whoops, there I go, off on yet another tangent …..

Now, where was I – Oh yes, what I missed out on yesterday.

Welllllll, it was of course the one day that occurs every four years that a lady is morally correct to ask a man to marry her!! – and I was, it seems, asleep can you believe.

Bum, bum, bum (Whoops, there goes another few quid to my son’s swear fund!) – but really, with all the charming chaps that swing by here, I could have perhaps finally found myself a perfect suitor.

I mean, apart from the lurkers – who of course will miss out on the fact they too could have hooked up with the ‘Mzungu Chick’ – and don’t come begging now let me tell you, you are far too late in the day to try and tempt me into asking your hand in marriage, I mean I have queues of suitors lined up in my comments box.

For a start I could have asked the lovely Mr Bananas – he’s always commenting on the fact that a little more flesh is a lovely thing – so he’s obviously a perfect suitor and I can tuck into another packet of Malteasers without guilt rather than rushing about on that treadmill that’s gathering dust in my spare room and shouts at me every time I pass “Come on you lazy git, plug me in and get running!” – Evil machine I tell you. In fact I might put it on ebay and see if I can get a couple of quid for the evil thing. - Might put people off that they’ll have to buy an airfare to Nairobi to pick it up and the baggage allowance might not cover it – resulting in a few quid excess – so could perhaps make it a rather costly affair – but well worth it can I say!!

I could have perhaps asked the equally lovely Mr Sneeze – I mean you always hear the Irish are trying their best to emigrate elsewhere – so he may be up for a trip to deepest darkest Africa.

Then there’s Zed who sounds like a smashing chap, The Lone Ranger – I was always partial to a bit of a cowboy, and there seems to be lots of inspiring chaps called ‘Anonymous’. I’ve spotted Ty – who with a name like that could probably swing either way, but I feel is most definitely a suitor. There’s even a few who drop by with sensible names that don’t sound at all like people who should live in my head, like William, Peter and Jason.

I could go on, but actually there is absolutely no point whatsoever as its now March the 1st and I’ve missed my slot, and will now have to wait another four years before I’ll get another chance, and by then I’ll be far too old and if I do happen to get down on one knee will more than likely never get up again!!

Ho Hum. Well it’s probably a good thing, I do like the fact that all these smashing people out there in cyberspace can live in my head.

Cyberpets are so much more fun don’t you think ??!