Fluffy Chick ...

Today I’m fluffing about in a state of ‘fluffiness’. I think it is because it rained all night and my brain is still damp, However I shall write, if only to entertain myself – who I of course find incredibly amusing (being the founder of the ‘Self Appreciation Society”, which is about to recruit a further 210 members of the Kenyan parliament.

'Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress..
But I repeat myself.'
--Mark Twain

This is the state of our politics today, those who didn’t make the cabinet are still all arguing about who DIDN’T get which job, and those that did get a job in the cabinet are putting out warnings to the “graft watchdog” on all contracts that have been awarded in their ‘new’ departments in the previous five years that didn’t directly involve any members of their immediate family.

All Military officers have been given a 20% reduction in their meager salaries in order to help out the IDP’s whereas all the MP’s sit pretty with their hefty pay packets, which is totally and utterly outrageous.

The only serious issue that seems to be coming out of headline news is that The Prime Minister will not be getting his 30 Million Shillings Mercedes this month as the government is “Lacking funds”!!

- OH THE SHAME ………

Saying that, it turns out I too have been humiliated, not by an entire country however that won’t buy me a new car, but by cyberspace itself.

I have just received this message through my email:-

Hi Mzunguchick !
You know that you have a "bimbo"?
Its important to take care of it! She dead now! But you can save her again!

Thank Christ she is – now get her to learn the English language before she dare live again; anyone saying “She dead now” deserves to die quite frankly!

Here in Kenya we use sophisticated English do you mind – stuff like;

“See over there *point with chin*;
It’s that ka-guy, sindio?”

“Wewe, Pleeeease, I’m rushing, just pick it, halafu come.”

You see so what’s with the ‘She Dead Now’???

Then I’ve got some message from Facebook telling me that my “hatchlings are unhappy” because apparently I haven’t been feeding the little blighters!

So there you go, what kind of a mother am I killing off Bimbo’s and hatchlings I hear you cry, but no matter, I caught up with some blog reading (as you do when you should be working), and I’ve found the book for me, so all’s well.

It’s a picture book aimed at 4 to 8 year olds entitled “My Beautiful Mommy” that’s all about plastic surgery and “aims to explain why mom (argh!) is getting a flatter tummy and a ‘prettier’ nose – note the American spelling there because surely there is NO other country in the entire world who could come out with such a book and …. Shockingly … actually sell copies.

The fact of course that I already exist as “Beautiful Mummy” to my one and only 8 year old son with attitude is neither here nor there – did I ever tell you about his poor eyesight?? Only kidding, his eyes are perfect I’ll have you know, he can make out every detail on the Disney’s channel's “Brandy and Mr. Whiskers.”

Actually I got told off on Sunday by my son’s 8 year old best friend who told me that I should only allow him to watch TV for an hour in an evening when there was no school the next day, so that meant only twice a week on Friday and Saturday evening – because that’s all he’s allowed! The fact that he comes round to our house most days after school and switches our TV on is probably totally irrelevant in his world!

So there you go, even dissed as a bad mother by the neighbours 8 year old – things aren’t good.

But it’s ok, I have figured out the solution to 8 year old attitude …..

it’s called the threat of boarding school and works a treat let me tell you

– highly recommended.

I’m sure some child psychologists would view this as child cruelty but seriously I will carry this out if my orders are not obeyed to the letter let me tell you.

I too shall one day become Prime Minister and shall be known as;

“SHE WHO MUST BE OBEYED”

from the “DEPARTMENT OF HOME AFFAIRS”,

and take note, I shall be ordering my Mercedes now before any of you smart Alec’s get any more ideas about not affording another one.

The police haven’t had a pay cut yet – what’s wrong with you ????. …..

Our "Grand Coalition" government is at 'stalemate' ..

Well after all the ‘how to lose some kilos’ advice I was offered, I thought I’d better get to it. Then in this last couple of days on the British news, there is a story that has really caught my eye.

There’s been lots of talk of this website called Miss Bimbo, which is aimed at 9 to 16 year old girls, in which they are told to buy their virtual characters breast enlargement surgery and to keep them “waif thin” with diet pills, and it really made me think ….

It’s not 9 to 16 year olds that should be worried about the kind of rubbish it promotes, such as who’s got the trendiest hair do, clothes and skinniest body (with or without plastic surgery), but it should be shut down and immediately relaunched as a 25+ years old only site and it’ll be an instant hit !

I mean you only need read the front page of the site;

Become the hottest, coolest most famous bimbo ever!
Become the most famous, beautiful, sought after bimbo across the globe!
• Find your own cool place to live.
• Find a fun job to pay for your needs and all the clothes a Bimbo could possibly want.
• Date that famous hottie you've had your eye on and show the Bimbo world the social starlet you are!
• Even resort to meds or plastic surgery. Stop at nothing to become the reigning bimbo!

I’ll join up, get myself some diet pills, plastic surgery and some designer clothes and I’ll be all set to reface you bloggers out there as I resurface as Miss Bimbo Chick 2008, and I know you’ll all be dead impressed !



...... Then I took a look at our own headlines this morning;


"Parties want Annan to resolve stalemate"
“PNU and ODM blame each other after deadlock over how to share key posts”, and
“MP’s take a 3 week break” from Parliament - the "big house with no business to transact”,

and it got me thinking ……..

We could start an internet game here just for all our Kenyan Members of Parliament to give them something useful to do whilst they take yet another break, and it could perhaps stop their bickering and renewed threats of mass action. They could earn ‘power points’ instead of ‘bimbo attitude points’. They could even earn themselves cash, but only by completing different challenges online, and then they could be granted different ministries as per their outcomes of the various challenges.

Normal everyday people such as ourselves would think up the challenges and WE would decide WHO deserves each ministry – whether from the PNU or the ODM camp, it would be OUR choice!

You could have the solving of security problems challenge where you could resettle all the IDP’s safely back into their own homes without any further tribalism around to drive them out again, and if you won the challenge you could be awarded the MINISTRY OF INTERNAL SECURITY.

If you rebuilt streets that were totalled during the troubles such as those in Kisumu, you could perhaps garner yourself the MINISTRY OF HOUSING & DEVELOPMENT, and if you could persuade all foreign embassies to remove their travel warnings and accept you as an ‘honest type’, you could perhaps win yourself the MINISTRY OF FOREIGN AFFAIRS……
(Then again, it may be tricky for any one of our 200+ MP’s to win that challenge, I’m not sure ‘honesty’ is quite up their street.)

The MINISTRY OF EDUCATION will only be got by putting in some decent plans for free education that don’t relate to the nonsense of “building funds”, but actually genuinely give free schooling. Then the MINISTRY OF LOCAL GOVERNMENT would be given to someone who can actually prove that a plan of keeping the matatu’s out of the city centre and giving the contract of shuttle services to a few ‘friendly’ companies (and NOT ‘at a price’) will actually help the traffic congestion and will not just be a way to make an extra buck on the side and meanwhile heaping yet more costs onto the common wanainchi.

They could earn themselves Mercedes, security details, take away girlfriends and even extra salaries but instead of all this coming out of our hard earned taxes, it could be all virtual cash and controlled by virtual bankers (– such as me of course who will take up the MINISTRY OF FINANCE), who shall allow only necessary provisions for drawings of real cash by paying ALL MP’s bills direct.

Although all ‘virtual’ and ‘online’, these MP’s would be earning themselves a ton, have Mercs stashed at each of their various residences, and a ‘sweetie’ housed in the Penthouse suite at the Nairobi Safari Club.

All this will do their street credibility wonders, the real cash would still lie in the Central Bank coffers and would not actually be spent on these Members of Parliament and their fictitious expenses, but could be finally used properly on real projects that would have been thought up originally as challenges on line with proper input coming from real Kenyans living real lives and not those living in their posh mansions surrounded by cotton wool and not having a real clue as to what the rest of Kenya is actually going through.

I reckon this game has the potential to most definitely sort the men from the boys (or the women from the girls for that matter), and get our country finally back on the right track!

And if, by the way there was a problem with the adjudication of the whole event, (we’d be sure not to have the ECK involved in any online tallying!), there wouldn’t be calls of mass action but instead online internet hours would be limited to the side seen as not behaving themselves! That way, our MPs would need to complete their challenges more competently in less time, therefore actually making use of their brains for once perhaps for something more useful than finding out which clothes to pack for their next ‘retreat’.

Excellent plan don’t you think?

I think we should go ahead with it immediately.

We’ll call it whowantstobeaminister.co.ke

Right, first things first;
“Hands up, Who wants to be President??”