Time for change .......

- and let's just hope that this is "Change you can Believe In".

I have been such a slacker recently when it comes to writing my blog and it's not really because I've got nothing to say. There has hardly been a time in my life really when I haven't had much to say - except probably when I've been put under general anaesthetic - but god help you if you're the one standing by my bedside when I come round as it has this fantastic effect on me that sends my mouth into overdrive (with jolly colourful words mostly), and I become momentarily insane (even more than the usual can you believe), and I start punching everyone around me! ..... Don't say you haven't been warned now!

But it's OK peeps, relax there. You can come out from behind your computer screens as although it may seem that I have been put under anaesthetic as the rambling has been temporarily halted, actually i am, and have been, fully conscious throughout and it's actually ......

.... BLOGGER.COM's fault, so HA ! (I so like passing the buck, I mean it couldn't possibly be that I'm just a lazy git and really can't be arsed to think of what to say, or to press the 'blogspot' button more than once because it doesn't go through the first time and I have the patience of a flea!)

I don't know about you lot out there but I am actually having a serious problem getting onto most of the 'blogger.com' sites. It keeps booting me out with a blank page and a cute little comment in the corner that says "done" - although what it thinks it has done is quite beyond me as all I get is a perfectly blank screen!! Yet all those blogs who go through different portals such as wordpress or tumblr don't seem to have a problem at all. So, think I might just look into the pros and cons of defection to 'the other side'!

And by the way, it's not the only thing I'm defecting from.

I have "officially" - letter and all - defected from my job.
* Gasp *

It's all been a bit of a shock to the staff and myself actually. I'm not sure that I was fully intent on leaving at the moment but things have been a little tricky around here recently and it seems that if one gets smacked round the chops enough times, your enthusiasm for what you are doing finally wanes funnily enough.

So that's me, that's where I am at.

I've always been good at 'legging it' and I was kind of overdue for some major change, so have decided to move on to pastures greener, and will take my blog with me too!

So it's Adieu for now Peeps, and we'll see you on the other side.
- That is of course when I can work out where the 'other side' might be.
I'll keep you posted - *gosh, how droll of me *

Just a couple of little tidbits to keep you going whilst I go about transferring my life to the next door field;

"DEPUTY PM MUSALIA MUDAVADI FIRES 64 COUNCILLORS WHO WERE GAZETTED BY HIS COUNTERPART UHURU KENYATTA" - NTV News, Wednesday 6th August 9pm


"LOCAL GOVERNMENT MINISTER MUSALIA MUDAVADI SUED FOR CONTEMPT FOR NAMING NEW NOMINATED COUNCILLORS IN BREACH OF AN APRIL 29 COURT ORDER" - NTV News, Thursday 7th August 12.30pm

Mmmmm - I'd have said that was probably "Deuce"!



... and I couldn't let this little advert slip past you that I found in the Nairobi Star this morning;


So you can go through the rest of your day happy now gentleman.

Catch you later!
Love you Lots,
MWAH.

True ............. or False ??

First, a question ??
How many emails would you say on average you receive in a day that are total crap - and by 'crap' I do mean the ones from 'unknown' senders or those with spectacular names such as godimfullacrap@yabloodyhoo.com and such like ?? (Not those ones that we receive from the boss that really should be filed under the same heading - but sadly you have to actually carry out their wishes first - that is of course if you want to get paid, and seeing as today is the 30th July - best do whatever he says today for tomorrow your paycheck may go missing!)

Anyway as for the random 'crap' messages that you get. Let's take the average week's company email. We start with at least 3 a day 'wishing to be friends' - not that some of them can even spell the word however but still, it seems they have been waiting for this moment all their lives and your email conveniently appeared (as a vision no doubt), and now this is 'karma' that you must now become live long buddies......... Yea, right.

If you're lucky (as I am at least 5 times a week let me tell you - it's OK, you can leave the fan mail / god I'm jealous mail in the comment box once I've finished posting this), .... where was I? .. Oh yes, now if you're lucky not only will these smashing people wish to be friends but lots of them will want to send hundreds of thousands of dollars to your bank account as they've nicked it from somewhere (perfectly above board you understand), and now wish to give half of it to you for just being their new 'friend' and conveniently giving out your entire life history so they can in turn rip you off!!

Then of course, there's always a ton of those emails with smashing offers such as; offering generous libido enhancing drugs; enlarge your penis in 10 minutes; and loose 35kg of your body mass in one breath!

And then finally when you sift out all that crap (and the bosses email of course - star that one just in case you delete it by mistake whilst you're too busy catching up with your mates on Facebook), then we are left with my favourite ones, and that is all the scandals, hoaxes and jokes that come through on a daily basis.

Those are the only ones worth reading - they show how much time half this world has on their hands. Like the one I received yesterday on Jamie Oliver's *new* cookbook - that is of course, er, NOT ! But it's fun reading don't you think? And don't joke, it has 120 odd pages - all with lovely piccies of the delicious meals you may poison yourselves with. I mean, who has the time to write all that??

Mshairi left a comment on that post directing us to a website where you can go and check out the real vs. the unreal. It's called snopes and is really quite enlightening! It is also though, in some ways, incredibly disappointing. I so wanted that mobile phones cooking the popcorn and boiling an egg thing to be true. I carry two mobiles around with me at all times just in case I get stuck somewhere in the middle of nowhere with no power and a raw egg, and now it looks like I shall have to think again on my 'survival pack' as apparently *in the real world* 100 mobile phones sitting on top of an egg for one hour didn't even warm the damn thing up!

But at least now I am full of crap myself and can do lots of "Did you know .....?"


I have useful information on board now such as;
Coca Cola did not invent Santa Claus, (can you bloody believe it!)
Coca Cola is not an effective spermicide, (so stop chucking all that fizz about!)
BUT, BUT, BUT,
Coca Cola DID once contain cocaine and did not become completely cocaine free until 1929.
(Can I say that explains a lot as to why my Granny was such a diva until the age of 89! She had a good 30 years of drinking that stuff !!)

Anyway this all got me thinking that I should set up my own "true or false" site with regards to politics in Kenya. But then of course I realised that sadly ALL of the most ridiculous and unbelievable things that happen amongst our Members of Parliament and the like, are totally TRUE, and how depressing would that be having an entire website dedicated to our disasters that they call "Politics in Kenya"??

I think I shall ditch the idea and save the Samaritans a bunch of depressed Kenyan's phone calls as they are all about to launch themselves off their fridge freezer as life will be too dismal to continue with. I also don't want The Samaritan call centre in India to get too excited when a bunch of truck driving Kenyans start calling up .......

Depressed Kenyan (DP): "Is that The Samaritans?"
The Samaritan Hotline redirected to Calcutta (SH): "Most certainly, and how can I help you?"
DP: "Life is tooo depressing with our politicians stealing all our cash, I just can't go on.
I am thinking of killing myself. What should I do?"
SH: "I'm very sorry to hear that. However, I don't suppose you could help us out and drive a truck?"

We have a solution .... CLOSE THE SCHOOLS

Well things are now quiet on the Secondary School front, and how was that achieved? Well, the same way they solve every education crisis round these parts – CLOSE THEM DOWN INDEFINITELY! (They love that word ‘indefinitely’ – it just means they can all have a jolly nice long holiday and will reopen if and when they ever feel like it!)

This is favourite sport over here. If we can’t control it, then just shut the doors and hope the problem just ....er, well, goes away actually!

They do it with the Universities all the time, and now its the Secondary Schools. Not surprising the level of education in this country is so low. How on earth are you supposed to learn anything when you’ve got people in charge like the good old Prof Wangeri full of useful ideas that get us nowhere?

Anyway, enough of them, because we’ve decided that actually all they need is just need a jolly good beating and then they’ll be well behaved and disciplined and all the problems that those naughty school children have will just miraculously disappear in a puff of smoke. - I’m sure that education minister thinks he’s some kind of fairy godmother and he’ll wave his wand, conveniently made of cane, and ...... *Poof* ...... everyone will get an ‘A’! .... Oooh, perhaps that’ll be a B. Oh, oh, gosh, sorry, think you’ll find that’s a C-.

I’ve been watching the international news this morning and headlines every 15 minutes is “Formula 1 boss’s ‘secret’ S&M dominatrix has a bit of an interview on Sky News.” For goodness sake, how on earth can this be “World News Headlines”?? Does anyone really give a flying fart what Max Mosely gets up to in his spare time, and the fact that his “Mistress” is terribly, terribly sorry about the whole thing and is really very upset about the fact that her video recordings of the whole event made headlines in the “News of the World”, even though she made tons of cash, and, and, ..........

So what are we thinking??? Why are we worried about closing the schools and wishing all our problems away. In the UK, it seems you don’t actually need an education, just do something incredibly stupid and you'll get paid a fortune!

Today's view

.... and according to all of our newspapers this morning, apparently if we bring back caning, then we can reverse this process :)

"Spare the rod, Spoil the child!"

The goalposts got shifted ......

In the last few days, the children in a lot of the Secondary schools in Nairobi have gone on strike.

"You What!" I hear you cry, but yes you heard it correctly - the students have gone on strike and slipped into riot mode. Windows have been smashed, classrooms vandalised and even dormitories burnt down. In one school here in town a student was killed when they got themselves trapped in the burning dormitory, and now half the schools have had to be shut down .... and all for what?

Well, the story that has come out is that their mock KCSE exams which were scheduled to start today are just too hard! (The KCSE exams are the equivalent of the GCSEs in the UK, but here in Kenya the mocks are always known for being much harder than the actual exams set by the government bodies themselves.)

I was listening to the news this morning and they were interviewing Secondary school kids who had been turned away from school and they asked them why they were striking. They came out with the exam story to start with, and when the interviewers seemed totally unimpressed as that as a reason for missing school, they then changed their tune to "Actually, the sanitation isn't up to much and our school meals are atrocious!"

Moving on and then interviewing parents about what should be done about the situation, there seemed to be one steady stream of answers and they all spelt out D I S C I P L I N E. All those adults interviewed agreed (including the presenters I might add), that 'in their day', they would never dare to do anything as wild as strike from school as the consequences would be too harsh, and these consequences would always involve a severe caning.

So there you have it, the kids go on strike, and instead of taking any notice to their actual grievances, all the adults seem to just go with "Bring back Caning", and that will solve the problem!


But hold on a second there chaps, has anyone actually listened to what they have to say.

Yes the sanitation in most of the schools is awful, the food pretty crap and the mock exams known to be utterly impossible, but hey instead of saying; "Well, in my day, that's just how it was and you should put up and be beaten for it, or just shut up", surely we should actually wake up to the fact that these things - as much as they may have been the same in our day - should surely warrant some kind of change actually!

Listening to these secondary school kids more closely, it turns out that the reason they even started all this nonsense is that they were told that as the government totally cocked up the KCSE exam results for last year, they have decided that this year they will use the mock results instead!

Considering the mocks are not standardised from school to school, are internally marked, and as I'd mentioned earlier, are much more difficult than the actual exams themselves surely seems slightly unfair to say the least, and it really isn't surprising that these students are a little bit upset! Seeing as no-one wants to listen to them, it seems they have decided that the only way to get yourselves noticed and perhaps listened to, is to do what their peers have all done in the last few months - Riot and burn!

But tell me this, is bringing back the cane really the way forward in all this??

Bring on Mrs Darwin perhaps ... ?

Not sure how many of you have been keeping up with the world news but there's this very bizarre case that came up of a man who canoed out to sea some years ago, never to be seen again, who turned up at a police station in the UK at the end of last year - for reasons known only to himself.

This is now the story of the court case surrounding the bizarre fraud incident .....

Canoe wife 'acted out emotions'



The wife, lovely lady that she is, 'stood by her man', and when he 'returned from the dead', she was overcome with emotion!!

..... BUT .... turns out she had been standing by collecting the insurance and hanging out in Panama with him all along, and the most fantastic thing about the whole story is that she is currently in court and says she's innocent !!

Er .... Right lady, that's the way to do it !!

- You see, you don't need to be a politician to lie through your teeth. You can just be a little old housewife. But my goodness, she did it so well and for 5 years, and it was only the husband who blew the whole thing out of the water it seems.

You see, that's a serious case of a missed vocation in life - she could have been a lecturer in Politics at some top Kenyan University.

Our politicians this end need someone like that to brush up on their 'downright lying' techniques! In fact, Mrs Darwin could be extremely useful as the spokesman for our Parliament right now don't you think?

Just in the last 7 days, we've had our Finance Minister dumped in the big sticky stuff and consequently shuffling to the side, swiftly followed by the Immigration Minister who has been jolly naughty issuing work permits when he was told not to, and then today it's Uhuru Kenyatta's turn of being accused of dodgy nominations when he was briefly ensconced in the Minister for Local Government posting.

Meanwhile out of the office everyone is gearing up for the 2012 succession - and why not indeed.

We are not yet 6 months into this one and it's turning out to be a complete disaster with lots of grown men bickering and throwing mud pies at each other and absolutely nothing actually being done, and I don't suppose it'll get any better in the next 4 years so "Hell Yea", let's start campaigning for 2012 and until then, the country can all go and rot!

It all seems to be about HOT potatoes ...

PARLIAMENT, INQUIRY COMMISSIONS OR COURT CASES

Please note that if you are involved in ANY of the forementioned gatherings, please make sure that under NO circumstances should you plead GUILTY, and that wherever possible you should hand the blame to the closest person to you!


I have set out some examples for you to follow for those who need clarification;


PARLIAMENT

- Someone somewhere will inevitably catch you handling vast amounts of rather dirty cash at some stage during your tenure in parliament. If you are caught with such before getting teh chance to get down to the drycleaners and give it a quick launder, then just tell everyone that you know nothing about it being illegal and (if all else fails), "BUT, the Prime Minister knew!" (- that is if you are from the ODM camp). THose from the PNU camp must replace that line with the following;
"BUT, the President knew!"
Then you shall categorically state that you would die first and then resign, and the following day you can stay home stating you have "step aside for the good of others" but - TAKE NOTE - "have NOT resigned!"


ANY COMMISSION OF INQUIRY

- Whatever questions are asked of you, and in fact even if none are asked at all, you must repeat this phrase;
"It was most definitely ALL the authority's fault!"
If of course, you happen to be from said authorites, go with the alternative;
"I knew absolutely nothing about it, but BE ASSURED I shall look into it and make sure the perpertrators are taken to book for it."
(no matter what the inquiry has been set up for by the way, the same phrases apply)


COURT CASES

- Most especially those involving colonial aristocrats being tried for murder.
Try the following sentence to completely divert everybodies mind, change the game plan, and of course get someone else to take the blame (after two years of going in and out of court);
"I couldn't possibly have done it. The only other witness to the event, who has of course stuck up for me all this time, but can I say he just hasn't been to visit enough, therefore HE obviously did it !!"



Right, so, we all sorted then chaps??
Whatever happens do not DROP the potato, just pass it on as quickly as possible!!

Oooooooh .........

Yesterday our Finance Minister, the dear and honourable Amos Kimunya (who I understand is - funnily enough - Kibaki's nephew!) told the press "He would rather die than resign his post"




Today news just in HOT off the wire .......

'FINANCE MINISTER Kimunya "steps aside" after consultations with Kibaki to allow for investigations on Grand Regency sale;'

read more here

Don't suppose he's feeling quite so well this morning then !!

It must be the weather

You know over here in these parts, winter has truly set in with temperatures dropping to 11 degrees in the morning (Shocking isn’t it I know), and actually I am sure that one of these mornings I shall awake to snow falling on my roof.

I'm sure all of you out there in the West are shouting at your screens just now, going; "Christ Alive, these people have NO idea of the meaning of the world 'cold'!", but hey, It’s the same every year here. We always complain of the cold at this time of year, and that we can’t believe how shocking it is, BUT then it’s the same again next year, and funnily enough the year after as well!! That’s the thing about weather I suppose – it never seems to be ‘just right’!! (although I must say I definitely hear less complaints when it’s nice and warm.)

Anyway, this cold seems to be freezing the brains of our politicians not only in Southern States such as Zimbabwe where Uncle Bob is still skipping about whistling a care free tune, although it seems he has slightly changed tack, i.e. He’s ready to talk to the opposition about some form of coalition government, (after last week telling them all to “Go Hang”).

I’m sure however this is only because he’s seen how it works here, Kibaki is still the President, he has his own chosen sidekick at number 2, and Raila is relegated to third in line, which seems to mean that no matter how much he jumps up and down and makes noise only Kibaki’s decisions count in the end.

So down in Zim, its business “as Unusual as always”, and here in Kenya it’s pretty much the same.

Our dear Minister for Finance, the Honorable Amos Kimunya has got himself into a spot of bother with the whole Grand Regency Hotel deal. Apparently the hotel was sold last week to Libyans for 2.8Billion, and then …..Oh, no, apparently that wasn’t QUITE right and it was sold to some Kenyan registered company (known as Arab African Investment) for rather a lot less, namely 1.85Billion.

Mmmmmmm ………

Meanwhile back in Parliament, a motion of ‘no confidence’ was carried last night on Kimunya ( – I really am not sure that releasing his “Transparency” report on procurement and disposals procedures was such a good idea at the beginning of the week when his very own procedures outline the fact that in matters such as the disposal of an asset such as The Grand Regency Hotel, he had stated that more than one valuation must be done,

(and he, er …., seem to have, er …. Forgot?)

…. and today news is just in says that the Kibaki has called off the cabinet meeting scheduled or this morning, "with no reason given", that had promised to clarify EXACTLY what in the hell happened with this whole deal of the Grand Regency, so nothing's changed here either.

Looks like our Mr. Kimunya might just have the right qualifications for a hot position in Mugabe’s government, so I shouldn’t think he need worry too much !!

surprised?

This just came through on 411;

"ANTI-GRAFT COURT summons Embakasi MP-elect Waititu"

..... And are we surprised?

I think Mama Taa is on his case already!

Kenya's by-election results

Good Morning Viewers ......

Sorry to disappoint you but I am still here and still have lots to say!!

As you may (or may not) know, we had some few by-elections yesterday of which the results are being released as we speak.

Sadly, because of the demise of two prominent members of parliament being killed in the tragic accident on Tuesday afternoon, it seems that, unsurprisingly, voters were kind of dejected, and voter turn out was quiet and numbers reported low.

Anyway today it seems in great Kenyan traditional electioneering spirit, things are livening up especially in the Kilgoris constituency - which is not entirely unexpected, that's for sure. It was always a tribal contest from the beginning with the most prominent two contestants advocating that the other would throw their fellow tribesmen off the land there.

We have one candidate from the Maasai tribe and one from the Kipsigis and both have been telling anyone who will listen that whatever happens - if you are a Maasai, you must stick with the Maasai, and the Kipsigis the same which actually is the reason why we never had any results that stuck the first time round, because with this kind of hate campaigning going on, whoever loses is very obviously going to have his fellow tribesman protest.

The latest I have on the Nation's (Kenyan daily by the way) update site was that Konchellah has won the seat and followed five minutes later by;
FRESH SKIRMISHED IN KILGORIS AS 14 HOUSES AND A CAR ARE SET ABLAZE. TENSION REPORTED IN MANY PARTS OF THE CONSTITUENCY.

And there we have it, those pyromaniacs are back on the case, and already things are looking bad. We have to hope that the huge numbers of police that had deployed to the area get a grip very quickly on the situation and that these skirmishes will be plugged soonest.

Meanwhile the Wajir North seat has been won by ODM, (although over half way through results showed the KANU candidate leading), Ainamoi is also ODM with Langat clinching the seat, Emuhaya has been won by Otichillo, and now Waititu of PNU has just been reported to have won Embakasi from Esther Passaris of ODM (- so that's the Embakasi street lighting project out the window then!)

I'm sure this will NOT be the last of it, as we all know Samuel Kivuitu of the Electoral Commission of Kenya (ECK) is such a reliable kind of a fellow, I can't see anyone actually agreeing to these results if he has anything to do with it! Seeing as there are already reports in all of today's Dailies with regards to nonsense at the polls, chances are things may heat up a little yet.

Meanwhile here in town it's ..... BUDGET DAY


(Not sure of the definition of the Kenyan economy but currently it looks slightly fictional I feel!)

I'll keep you posted as and when I hear of anything ....

Over here it's all about Barry.

Well in our neck of the woods, politics has been diverted temporarily to front page stories all over about Barry, the Luo fellow from Siaya district who happens to be running for a seriously high powered presidential seat, although not here in Kenya I might add.

To those hailing from Western Province, there's absolutely NO explanation needed here as to who on earth I may be talking about, but for those of you from further afield who may be slightly lost, I am speaking of none other than Senator Barrack Obama.

To a lot of Kenyans (especially those from the lakeside), Senator Obama is nothing less than 100% Kenyan. His father came from here so that'll do it for us. The fact that the Senator has only actually visited this country three times in his entire lifetime is totally irrelevant, and the point that he hardly knew his father who is reported to have been a drunk and abusive husband is somehow totally overlooked.

I think this quote from Rob Crilly in "The Times" really sums up this Obama fever here in Kenya and what it's really all about ...... (a spot of cash and a free US visa);

"A steady stream of would-be economic migrants has been arriving at Granny Sarah's door seeking an American visa. Almost every day she has to explain that the U.S. embassy in Nairobi is the only place that can make their American dream come true. But even Granny Sarah admits to harbouring secret hopes of a local windfall if Obama's momentum carries him all the way to America's highest office. "What we hope is that with his Kenyan and Africa roots we will see some of the fruits of his power, like electricity, water and a new road," she says simply in her native Luo language."

At least she got herself an autographed picture...

By the way,"Granny Sarah" is actually Obama's step-grandmother and his grandfather's third wife. And the fact that she lives in a little house in a very small village looking after chickens and goats, has no running water or electricity, and it was her fellow villagers who raised money to get her a TV with a small solar panel so that she could keep up with US politics is of course of no matter now that young Barry's got a shot at the most powerful position in the world!

Hey, perhaps he'll chuck some extra aid money our way as payment for bringing up his father. I'm sure our local politicians could do with a bit more cash to squander on their expense accounts.

Normal service has been resumed ...

Well, after my break in bed for a week missing out on the world around me, reading the papers and listening to the news over the last few days makes me feel all warm inside knowing that out here in the big wide world nothing has changed.

Last week all the internally displaced Kenyans were asked to return home (and very kindly given an armed escort - just in case they decided they did not wish to return to their burnt homes and ravaged farms).

The civil service was put onto the list of "Who will we steal money from in order to afford the compulsory armed escort to take the internally displaced home?", along of course with the army.

Our government very kindly donated this money to the IDPs (Internally Displaced Persons), and made sure only to take it from those with a salary below the $300 per month line, so that all those above that line - such as of course the MPs who desperately need their cash (in order to have those smashing homecoming parties of their own!), and so therefore all those with the salaries of the $10,000 minimum PLUS expenses per month - didn't have theirs touched.

Like to keep it fair and equal in the government you know. If you've got nothing in life, then best give some of that away to those with less than nothing and then the big boys can sleep better at night!


What I really DO NOT understand is how the hell these people can seriously think that all Kenyans are that unfazed by this whole divide. Surely over the month of January, it became very obvious to everyone - including the outside world - that Kenyans are very unhappy with their lot and this incredible divide we have of the 'haves' and the 'have nots' has to come to an end, and solutions have to be worked out to lessen this gap. But no, imagine after all that bloodshed our politicians have the audacity to sweep it under the carpet pretty quick smart, blame it on someone else, and then get on with "Business As Usual"......

Why are we taking this???

You know there's a brilliant publication that has come out in the last week that outlines all this unfairness. It is called "Wajibu" and is produced by a few Kenyans who are really fighting for the rights of ALL of us. (If you click on that link, one of the members of the 'task force' that produced the magazine tells you how to get hold of a copy.)

The magazine identifies itself as "A journal of social and ethical conduct", and it highlights all these issues that our country has been through over these last few months, what we are still going through, and has some great articles on how ordinary Kenyans see the way forward from here.

What it does show is that there is definitely "Optimism about the possibility of a new Kenya", but it really is about time that our current politicians stopped their 'business as usual' and got on with developing this sanguinity.

As the editorial in the front of this journal quotes;
"This Kenya can only happen if all of us take our responsibility as citizens seriously and if our politicians strive to be the kind of leaders who put the welfare of the nation AHEAD of lust for power and greed for material benefits."

So let's go for it people, 'normal service' is not OK with us any longer.
Let's go with Obama on this one (seeing as he really is a Kenyan in American clothing!), and tell our government what we really want .....

"Change we can believe in"!

Just a thought ........

At the beginning of the week, when it was announced that our newly ensconced Prime Minister would be flying out of the country for a spot of scheduled surgery and probably would not be back before the weekend, it crossed my mind that it was a little odd that Raila would not be around for such a big celebration as Labour Day, especially seeing as he has only just been sworn in and this would be the first proper state occasion at which to show off the new coalition and the new peace for Kenya.

BUT then, our dear President took to the podium and announced that for a second year in a row there would be no review of the minimum wage. He explained this was to protect businesses that were suffering from the post election chaos, and that the wanainchi shouldn't worry about the over inflated cabinet that was swallowing all the cash, because if we want peace that is a price we have to pay.

Then I realised how CONVENIENT it was that Honourable Raila Odinga was not part of this news, knowing full well I assume, that it would go down with our people like a lead balloon. Surely this means that in the future, if needs be (and chances are they will), he can turn around and say he had nothing to do with the decision not to raise the minimum wage and 'What on earth was Kibaki thinking?'

Thing is, if this is supposedly a 'coalition' government, does that not mean that with such major decisions as whether or not to review the minimum wage should surely have been discussed between them .... Ama ?



"Mmmm, yes, think I too might have opted for the laser eye surgery than be party to what was obviously going to be a bit of a crap day out .."

Also interesting don't you think, that our President blames the wanainchi for the chaos and says therefore we should pay the bill for it, knowing full well that ultimately POVERTY is what has got us to this awful position in the first place, and all he is doing is sinking us further into the mud by this decision.

Do you think these people will ever actually see the daylight, or will they conveniently sit aloft in their grand towers until the end of time?

And we’re worried about politics ….

Here in Kenya, our fabulous coalition government couldn’t get through yet another day without arguing. This time it was about protocol, the PM got to speak before the VP, suggesting apparently, that the VP is therefore more senior than the PM. The President, it seemed, couldn’t have really cared less who spoke when, how, and about what, and had a jolly old time testing out his own incredible speech skills when it was his turn, with the best part of it all being played repeatedly on every news slot available.

It went something like this;

“You See, You See, You Sssseeeeee!”

Actually I didn’t see it at all, and it took me three times of watching the news byte to get what he was on about which was evidently all about being “One Kenya, One People”. Nice thought Mr Kibaki, I like it a lot, but I’m afraid I still don’t quite see it.

Down in Zimbabwe, Uncle Bob seems to have succeeded in having the entire world turn against him – Oh, apart from Thabo Mbeki of course, who obviously has some sort of strange deal going on with the man. I wouldn’t be surprised if it went something like;

MUGABE : “Listen Tabs, stick with me and once we’re through this small hiccup and they’ve all calmed down about the beatings and starvation, I’ll change the law so that I’m President for life and then we’ll put South Africa and Zimbabwe together, kick out all your white farmers and take over the world!”

THABO MBEKI : “Mmmm, yeah, good one Bob. I mean what the hell does the rest of the world know anyway. They think HIV causes AIDS and everything. Come on now. All those Western fellows thinking they have the upper hand on us Africans eh. We’ll show them!”

But meanwhile across in the Congo, they have much larger troubles to deal with
- or not - as the case may be.

Lynchings in Congo as penis theft panic hits capital

Police in Congo have arrested 13 suspected sorcerers accused of using black magic to steal or shrink men's penises after a wave of panic and attempted lynchings triggered by the alleged witchcraft.

Rumours of penis theft began circulating last week in Kinshasa, Democratic Republic of Congo's sprawling capital of some 8 million inhabitants. They quickly dominated radio call-in shows, with listeners advised to beware of fellow passengers in communal taxis wearing gold rings.

Well surely now, all you blokes out there should be panicking for those sorcerers are known for flying about and the Congo’s not too far from here I’ll have you know.

Clearly you ought to be scouring the matatus and Citi Hoppers for all those wearing gold rings. I mean you don’t want some sorcerer nipping off with your willy now when you’re not looking.

For goodness sake, Mugabe may be a dictator, Mbeki a complete wimp, and all the Kenyan leaders collectively a bunch of money grabbers who can’t sort out the IDP mess, but what does any of that matter when here right under our very noses we have much more crucial problems.

All the women are laughing shamelessly at all the men, and undoubtedly all the men's main source of concern right now is;

- “Where have all the willys gone”

….. Ooooh I feel a song coming on !

How unfair is that ... ?

Simply couldn't resist sharing this -

Just saw this article on Reuters ;

"Police officer sacked for sex on the job"

A police officer was forced to resign on Wednesday for having sex with a prostitute at a building he had been sent to investigate to see if it was a brothel.



It made me laugh as it highlights so well the differences between us all.

Here in Kenya this policeman would have been applauded for such behaviour and probably ended up with a jolly big bonus (apart from whatever he got from the lady in question of course).

I mean how can you fire a guy for such meticulous investigation techniques?

Fluffy Chick ...

Today I’m fluffing about in a state of ‘fluffiness’. I think it is because it rained all night and my brain is still damp, However I shall write, if only to entertain myself – who I of course find incredibly amusing (being the founder of the ‘Self Appreciation Society”, which is about to recruit a further 210 members of the Kenyan parliament.

'Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress..
But I repeat myself.'
--Mark Twain

This is the state of our politics today, those who didn’t make the cabinet are still all arguing about who DIDN’T get which job, and those that did get a job in the cabinet are putting out warnings to the “graft watchdog” on all contracts that have been awarded in their ‘new’ departments in the previous five years that didn’t directly involve any members of their immediate family.

All Military officers have been given a 20% reduction in their meager salaries in order to help out the IDP’s whereas all the MP’s sit pretty with their hefty pay packets, which is totally and utterly outrageous.

The only serious issue that seems to be coming out of headline news is that The Prime Minister will not be getting his 30 Million Shillings Mercedes this month as the government is “Lacking funds”!!

- OH THE SHAME ………

Saying that, it turns out I too have been humiliated, not by an entire country however that won’t buy me a new car, but by cyberspace itself.

I have just received this message through my email:-

Hi Mzunguchick !
You know that you have a "bimbo"?
Its important to take care of it! She dead now! But you can save her again!

Thank Christ she is – now get her to learn the English language before she dare live again; anyone saying “She dead now” deserves to die quite frankly!

Here in Kenya we use sophisticated English do you mind – stuff like;

“See over there *point with chin*;
It’s that ka-guy, sindio?”

“Wewe, Pleeeease, I’m rushing, just pick it, halafu come.”

You see so what’s with the ‘She Dead Now’???

Then I’ve got some message from Facebook telling me that my “hatchlings are unhappy” because apparently I haven’t been feeding the little blighters!

So there you go, what kind of a mother am I killing off Bimbo’s and hatchlings I hear you cry, but no matter, I caught up with some blog reading (as you do when you should be working), and I’ve found the book for me, so all’s well.

It’s a picture book aimed at 4 to 8 year olds entitled “My Beautiful Mommy” that’s all about plastic surgery and “aims to explain why mom (argh!) is getting a flatter tummy and a ‘prettier’ nose – note the American spelling there because surely there is NO other country in the entire world who could come out with such a book and …. Shockingly … actually sell copies.

The fact of course that I already exist as “Beautiful Mummy” to my one and only 8 year old son with attitude is neither here nor there – did I ever tell you about his poor eyesight?? Only kidding, his eyes are perfect I’ll have you know, he can make out every detail on the Disney’s channel's “Brandy and Mr. Whiskers.”

Actually I got told off on Sunday by my son’s 8 year old best friend who told me that I should only allow him to watch TV for an hour in an evening when there was no school the next day, so that meant only twice a week on Friday and Saturday evening – because that’s all he’s allowed! The fact that he comes round to our house most days after school and switches our TV on is probably totally irrelevant in his world!

So there you go, even dissed as a bad mother by the neighbours 8 year old – things aren’t good.

But it’s ok, I have figured out the solution to 8 year old attitude …..

it’s called the threat of boarding school and works a treat let me tell you

– highly recommended.

I’m sure some child psychologists would view this as child cruelty but seriously I will carry this out if my orders are not obeyed to the letter let me tell you.

I too shall one day become Prime Minister and shall be known as;

“SHE WHO MUST BE OBEYED”

from the “DEPARTMENT OF HOME AFFAIRS”,

and take note, I shall be ordering my Mercedes now before any of you smart Alec’s get any more ideas about not affording another one.

The police haven’t had a pay cut yet – what’s wrong with you ????. …..

The Chick's Sunday Political Commentary....

Politics in Kenya is increasingly depressing, but looking at the international news, I'm not entirely convinced that half the world is any better.

All that aside, here's a brief run down of where I see we're at right now.

You will be pleased to know that we are not currently under ‘Mungiki’ law in Nairobi at the moment and things have returned to the normal. I say we are not under Mungiki rule, but I’m sure the matatus are paying their ‘daily protection fees’ for operating and in those areas where Mungiki are the majority I’m sure that everyone is back to paying to walk to their house in safety, etc. as before but overall they have stopped holding the country hostage to their demands at this stage as Raila said last Thursday that he was prepared to talk to them and they have said that for now they will back off.

The saddest thing is in our country today is that we just brush it under the carpet, pay them off for now and hope they keep quiet for a while so that the government can get on with its inherent task of raping the country.

Kofi Annan is about at the moment and even he knows the score.

He has suggested that the ‘negotiation team’ has far from completed their task. Although they have finally named a cabinet, there are still the major issues of why this country blew up in the first place and how are they going to sort out those land issues and poverty issues, now all conveniently put on the back burner whilst everyone rushes round insisting on being addressed as “Mweshimiwa”!

Talk is that Raila wants everything out in the open for all to see what’s happening and how decisions for the country will be made, but then why is it that;

a) Raila has never explained what actually went on with his secret cabinet negotiations rendezvous, and how did he give in to the highly inflated numbers in the cabinet?

b) Thursday he said he would talk to the Mungiki so that they called off Friday’s ‘general strike’ that they were trying to hold, and yet since Thursday not a peep about it as if the trouble last week never existed.

I’m sorry but I know the favourite saying at the moment is “It’s not business as usual”, but seriously chaps, tell me what isn’t business as usual with the same old hidden scams going on left, right and centre and the press quiet about it all.

I’m not sure that anyone is willing to listen to Kofi Annan anymore as it seems that as far as those big boys are concerned, yes, they’re very grateful thank you for bringing us away from the brink of all out civil war, but as for all our inherent problems that got us there in the first place, well let them simmer for a few years and when we have another general election in 2012 the country can go through this whole nightmare once again because all those current “Mweshimiwa’s” will have voted themselves for a stonking retirement package, raped the country for as much as they can possibly get away with, achieved nothing with regards to the great poverty divide and any serious land issues, and then they’ll all leg it and leave it to a new bunch of ‘wanna be’s’ to fight it out.

Meanwhile food prices soar and shortages loom worldwide, and with our recent violence and displacement of farmers, these are more threatening to Kenya and the great rich/poor divide than ever before. Yet personally, I haven’t yet heard any talk of what the government may intend on doing about it anytime soon.

Now What ......

The latest episode that has become the saga of our lives here in Kenya is now that we are being held hostage by gangs of thugs (- apart from those of our coalition government of course, although all being sworn in quite happily today with Uncle Kofi standing by, are still arguing - sorry, negotiating), but by a well known terror gang known as the 'Mungiki'.

I have mentioned them before as over the last few months, they have been shockingly brazen about revealing themselves and brandishing their weapons and tactics about, and this latest episode even has them holding press conferences.

What is slightly worrying here is that the police insist they are in control of the whole thing. Eric Kiraithe, the police spokesman, has been marvelous as always, and has told all Kenyans to get their arses back on the street and stop getting so excited about a few hundred pyromaniacs roaming the streets with their box of matches in one hand and machete in the other threatening people.

“But Hey Mr. Kiraithe, Pray do tell,

If it was your brother living in Muranga town innocently running a little shop making a few thousand shillings a day, who was then told “Open your shop today and the consequences are a ten thousand shilling fine (which he could not possibly afford), or being beheaded, would you be still telling him to get his arse downtown and open those doors?”

The government somehow does not seem overly concerned about the whole affair. I'm not quite sure if it's because they're still smarting over who missed out on being in the incredibly inflated cabinet that we can ill afford, or if its that they're too busy getting in their wish list on which car, house, office desk, etc they would like to have purchased for them now that they are all so incredibly important! But whichever it is, they do not seem excessively bothered by how many Kenyans have been burnt alive or executed, and how much more property has been destroyed just in the last few days.

I was talking to someone in the morning who lives in Dandora. Now personally I would have said that Dandora was really one of the better areas of Nairobi in which to live. Rents are far from being the cheapest and it is most definitely not a ‘bad’ area of town with minimal violence, thuggery or anything else going down there – even in the post-election skirmishes - but now it seems Dandora is not the place you wish to be calling “home” anymore.

Now it seems that if you live in Dandora, first of all, you’ll be lucky if you can find transport at all, as all the matatus (or mini buses) that run around the area into and out of town have been warned off the roads, and those that are operating are charging over 150/- (over US$2) per trip, which when most wanainchi make not much over that in a day is not exactly conducive to bother going to work at all. Then she tells me that all the ladies in the area have been given leaflets telling them what to wear.

It must be a skirt and the length must reach below the knee.

Penalty for not following the dress code is a humiliating stripping and public beating.

Last night, SMS’s were sent round all over saying that you must leave the city centre by 7.30pm or you shall be killed. Then this morning new SMS’s stated that all those who work in the Industrial Area should not go into work.

It’s all just fear mongering but hey how much is your life worth, and is it worth ignoring these warnings because by doing so ‘Eric Kiraithe’ says you’re doing the right thing ??

The public demands from the Mungiki are that they are mourning the death of the wife of their leader (who is currently inside being entertained at the country’s expense), who was shot last week together with her driver, and they believe the police were involved and should be brought to book for it, and that they want some police force group that has been formed to crack down on them all, to be disbanded.

However, the leaflets now circulating on the ground ‘explaining’ this reign of terror go with a slightly different, yet more realistic reasoning, and that is that the ‘Mungiki’ say they have not been paid their ‘protection’ monies from various government ministers for the last few months. They had no part in the general election and therefore gained no rewards from that, and now that the Kikuyu’s have not taken a majority in the parliament and just to prove how powerful they are, they are going to paralyse operations in Kenya just to show that ‘all is not normal’ just because a cabinet has been named and all is ‘apparently well’.

They also explain that they are the ancestors of the ‘Mau Mau’ and that they brought independence to Kenya and therefore all the land gained from the colonials is rightfully theirs and they now wish to be handed over.

In this leaflet, there were apparently some ministers actually named of who they generally receive money from quite regularly, and reading it seems to me to make quite a few other discrepancies in our world here add up a lot better.

I personally will keep that bit of gossip to myself as like a true Kenyan I like to do some serious stirring of the pot and then keep all the best meat for me !!

I should title this ... and here we go again!

Just to please you all after our joyous little occassion of festivities yesterday after the naming of the extremely large cabinet of over 100 ministers (with 40 ministries and god knows how many assistants for each), and now with a heavy head I'm afraid this is what we've woken up with today ......


Dear Friends:

Following the skirmishes that were reported this morning, this is the current security update as at 1130 hrs from KK Security:

Situation in Nairobi
Runda / Ruaka / Ndenderu – The situation has normalized and public transport has resumed.

Thika Road – Police have the situation under control. Public transport has resumed. A security crackdown is underway in Mathare North.

Kikuyu – Transit goods trucks have blocked the road out of Kikuyu leading to traffic blockages. The trucks had their tyres deflated at Gitaru. Police are working to clear the road. Public transport has been disrupted. There are reports of roadblocks at Feed the Children Junction and at Dagoretti.

Kariobangi / Dandora / Juja Rd area – The area is a hot-bed of Mungiki activities and there have been reports of vehicles burnt. Police patrols have been intensified and there are reports of a security operation against Mungiki in the area.

Githurai / Zimmermann / Kahawa West – In the morning, the roads had been blocked. There was gunfire as police cleared the road. The situation has normalized and there are police roadblocks. Public transport has resumed.

Enterprise Rd – There were running battles between the Police and the Mungiki in the morning and there were gunshots heard, so far the situation has calmed down as it’s a game of hide and seek.


Situation across other Towns

At least 10 suspected Mungiki have been gunned down by police across Nairobi, Central and Rift Valley provinces. Nine have been killed by police, two by Mungiki.

• In Makadara a man was hacked to death overnight.
• In Kariobangi estate two suspects burning cars were shot dead.
• On Kirinyaga road, another suspect was killed
• In Eldoret, two suspects have been shot dead.
• Naivasha recorded one death. Another was killed on the Nairobi-Nakuru road.
• Two suspects were killed in both Ruiru and Murang’a.
• Thirty vehicles and a petrol station were set ablaze in Embakasi.
• In Nakuru, two vehicles were set ablaze in Bahati by Mungiki who barricaded the Nakuru-Nyahururu road.
  

Cause of Disturbances
Mungiki are reported to be protesting against the killing of jailed sect leader Maina Njenga’s wife and his driver last week. The protests are also to pressurize the government to release the sect leader from prison. This morning, a group calling itself the Kenya National Youth Alliance claimed responsibility for the disturbances.



More reports to follow as they come