Thursday, May 22, 2008

Need to gain a few pounds? ... Have a workshop!

For the past two days I have been in a workshop together with a bunch of other company staff for a spot of ‘strategic planning’.

Well, can I just say that in all truth, all we have really done for the past two days is strategically plan how to stuff our faces. Coming out after two days of meal to meal activity, I’m a little confused on what actually we really did achieve besides putting on 3 kilos each – which funnily enough, in my case, was completely unnecessary.

I hear of lots of skinny people, both blokes and women, complaining if you please, that they can’t put on weight. It’s easy people, attending a workshop can guarantee you will sit perfectly still for a minimum of 12 hours per day with the only exercise involved being lifting your hand to your mouth, and perhaps unwrapping your next sweetie!

The general programme looks something like this;

8.00 Tea/coffee with fruits, donuts, sticky buns, banana bread

10.00 Tea/coffee with biscuits, more sticky buns, and yet more banana bread

12.30 Lunch (minimum 3 courses, but at least 5 available). Start with soup and bread, followed by a variety of cold meats, cheeses and salads, main course of meat, fish and chicken plus rice, potatoes and the compulsory overcooked vegetables, followed by fruit salad, various colours of chocolate mousse, profiteroles and oodles of cream, cheese and biscuits and yet another cup of coffee for good measure. All this interspersed with chocolate éclairs and Murray mints on the tables in the meeting – just in case you’re feeling a little peckish by any small chance! – And all this before dinner of course (which is another extravagant affair consisting of at least 7 courses), and all replicated for 2 days in a row!!

(Oh, and of course there is a little bit of chatting in between the meals which is what apparently they call the point of being there!)

This is me after attending my 2 day workshop!
So NOT recommended - Best stay in the office and get some real work done.

They just don’t warn you about these things at Weight Watchers let me tell you. I saw nothing in the plan when I joined up about warning you of the dangers of attending a workshop. They go on about eating out and getting a take away, and what to do if you’re at a party, what foods to enjoy and which to avoid, but NOT a word about how to eat (OR not to more appropriately), at a workshop.

It is a little secret that I have been hiding from you all, but after all your comments of how, what and the way forward on loosing a few pounds after I put a picture in all of your heads of some horses knees buckling under the weight of lilol’ me jumping on board, I felt soooo guilty I ended up joining up with Weight Watchers can you believe.

The local branch of the group is actually run by a very good friend of mine, so luckily I have been saved the total embarrassment of ‘going public’ with my fatness and have been able to catch up with the whole thing on the quiet.

I did actually suggest to her that I certainly did not have a weight problem but actually a terrible issue with my washing powder and it was shrinking all of my clothes.

Coincidentally she totally understood my plight as she too had been having the same problem with her washing too, and it of course had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that both of us seem to be able to empty the fridge of its contents down our necks at frequent intervals!

Well, here’s the thing. Week One – get weighed, realise that is of course a terrible start as her scales weigh over by about 10 kilos which is so not fair and not a positive way to go. I did try and protest – but found out in a hurry that that is a complete waste of words – as she’d heard it all before. So, once you’ve been weighed and totally humiliated by the numbers, you are then handed a bunch of books which tell you what you should be eating or more appropriately NOT eating and then sent on your way to starve for the rest of your life, until of course, you then attend a workshop ….. ARGH!

Can you believe I’d lost 4 bloody kilos, my horses were slightly relieved that things were finally looking up, and now I’ve gone and stuffed the whole thing!!

Oh well, best look forward. Tomorrow is another day. I shall start all over again on the ‘let’s starve’ regime known as ‘Weight Watchers’, and before you know it I shall be just a wee slip of a chick once more, and all my clothes will once again fit as they should and I can stop writing the rude letters to the washing powder manufacturers for shrinking everything!

Oooooh can’t wait. Roll on tomorrow.


Dad Mzungu said...

As a mere man, I have always scoffed at the idea of clothes shrinking in the wash.
That is, until my last visit to Kenya.
During a month with an almost exclusive diet of sukuma wiki and fresh fruit, a regime of walking into town as all the mataus had roof-top space only, I found that my clothes were stretching!
However, upon my return to the UK and a proper washing machine and hot water, a car to go into town, the clothes started to regain their normal size. Worse, they startd to shrink. Trousers that were distinctly baggy in Kisii are now tight!
I just can't wait to get back to Kenya, where, after a few days, clothes become comfortable again.
The only problem is the sukuma wiki ...

Billy said...

Try quitting smoking! Picked up a smashing 8 kilo's over the last 6 weeks... 8 Kilo's I can ill afford, btw.


DM - I'm not sure the problem with Sukuma - we always find it damn tasty and most of the time the tastiest part of all meals.

Billy _ thx for that insight hon. I'm going to keep on smoking now for SURE, as most certainly don't need to give up smoking AND go to a workshop - I'd need my stomach stapled next !!

Gorilla Bananas said...

Ah, forget about smoking, what about those great African bum-shaking dances? The ones where you pretend to be giving birth in an upright position. Give it a try and post photos!


Mr Bananas - I shall most certainly take your advice and keep you posted :)

BritGal' Sarah said...

Good luck with WW I have been at it since last Sept and lost 30lbs, generally without starving. However last night I sand a chocolate chip pizza!


Sarah - Personally I think WW sucks and is sooo dull. Good for you though with the 30lbs - i think i'll probably just go with the choc chip pizza though myself :)

Wade put on weight McNutt said...

Hunger is based partly on physiological needs.Increase intake of glucose and the conversion of other nutrients is a very good which gets a healthy weight.


Excellent Wade,
Thanks very much for that extremely useless piece of information.