Sorry about the title - statement in the bloody obvious really - but today i went to a seminar. Generally my worst nightmare and something - a little like the endless corporate cocktail parties and dinners i get invited to I usually volunteer one of my managers to go to in my place!
But this seminar was important to me and was the first i had voluntarily attended. What it made me realise is that even at my age there is so much opportunity out there in the world for everyone who is passionate enough for what they want to do and can get someone to believe in them. God i only wish i was 20 years younger - but hey - don't we all (Well those over 20 years old anyhow!)
I wish i had such insight all those years ago as what i learnt from today's seminar and actually did something more useful in my life than work for others for their benefit. Looking around the room at the other participants in the seminar made me realise that i work my arse off for not a lot and even if i changed that within my company - which i do have the power to do - all I'll end up with is making more money for those around me and as for me - I'll be just as stuffed as i was yesterday when i went to the bank and found out i only had $100 in my account to last me for the rest of the month!
Yesterday i fell apart - I cried in the bank - I mean how pathetic is that! I was so lost - how could i - the operations director of a very successful chain - end up with only $100 to support myself and my son until the end of the month when i can get my next salary through.
Sadly if i was an expatriate in this country - and a bloke would be helpful - i would actually be paid probably double what i am! So much for equal opportunity - it so doesn't exist here although they'd like to think they are so au fait with the Western World and the equal opportunities that exist there - here a Kenyan woman is still very much a second class citizen.
Then i look around me and i realise i should shut my mouth as i know that over half this country is living in abject poverty and i should think myself lucky!
......... But i don't. It makes me think of all those times my mother would tell me to eat everything on my plate and be thankful - as they were people out there starving. (The classic answer to that was always - 'Well then wrap it up and send it to them! - you see i was even an ungrateful child - haven't changed much after all!)
I feel like jumping off the fridge freezer and be done with it all. My son's father would end up having to look after him for the first time in the boy's 7 year life and apart from that and the fact that the company i run would completely fall apart without me - i doubt anyone would miss me for more than a couple of minutes. God how depressing. Mind you must say thank god for my son - otherwise that fridge freezer really may be a very tempting option than this endless bloody daily struggle.
Anyway i will try to look on the bright side - and the fact that i even own a fridge freezer - and shut up and get on with it. You never know - tomorrow i may meet that knight in shining armour that i dream of every night and the world will seem a so much nicer a place to be!
Perhaps I'll cry myself to sleep and feel oh so much better in the morning - doubt it - but hey - anythings worth a shot at this stage!
Should of entitled this blog DEPRESSION. Sorry about that.
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