Elections in Zim now tied . . . ?

Funnily enough latest 'official' rather delayed figures show they're . . . Er . . . Neck and neck!

Ooooh . . . Don't suppose any Kenyans have a slight deja vu feeling right now?



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Update on Zim elections

Word is that Morgan Tsvangarai from the opposition MDC party is claiming outright victory in the presidential, parliamentary and civic elections.

The official word is there will be no official word until tomorrow on the results.

It's so exciting for them. I do hope the opposition has won and this is not what happened here in Kenya where people jumped the gun and the 'official' results then caused an outbreak of chaos when they didn't correspond.

Zimbabwe is an amazing country and does not deserve the treatement it's currently getting.

I'm most definitely keeping my fingers crossed for them, if only to hope that they can show that democracy does have a place in Africa and that power hungry politicians should not be allowed to steal that from its people!


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Turns out our Electoral process has got nothing on Zimbabwe’s…

This morning Zimbabwe goes to the polls and from Kenya, the land of successfully dodgy elections, I think we should be wishing all Zimbabweans jolly good luck.

Independent polls put the opposition in a landslide victory position but the only ‘genuine’ poll that has come out from the Zimbabwe’s government shows President Mugabe with a 57% lead.

Mmmmm, how convenient when he needs 50% to keep ruling the country.

This morning on the international news, Robert Mugabe was quoted as saying that he has “a sense of honesty”, and he would not be able to “sleep with his conscience” if he’d cheated on the elections, and why does he need to anyway seeing as the “people” are on his side!

Don’t suppose anyone’s got a spare prescription of sleeping pills they can send him?

But hey, who am I to judge his ideas on “Free and Fair Elections”. The fact that it is common knowledge that at least 50,000 dead people are on the electoral roll, those voters registered that may swing the oppositions way haven’t been told which polling station they have been registered at, television sets, generators and vehicles have been bought for various government officials in the past couple of weeks, oh, and rather a lot of people on the ‘correct side of the fence’ have had their salaries miraculously raised for the coming month. Surely none of this has anything at all to do with the voting process. Coincidence works in mysterious ways don’t you know?

Anyway just to make sure they do have a peaceful day, Mugabe has ensured that all polling stations are full of his own policemen, because heaven forbid the opposition supporters may cause any nonsense, like voting for anyone but the President himself, at least the police are in place to sort it out.

‘Independent’ observers have been brought in of course, but only from countries with which President Mugabe enjoys a spot of free trading. He’ll have none of those anti-Mugabe EU colonialist lot because they’re a totally uncontrollable bunch what with their “human rights” nonsense, and “stop starving the people who don’t vote for you” rubbish. I mean for goodness sake, why should he be feeding people who are against his regime? Let those ones fend for themselves!

I do hope he invited Kenya’s electoral commission down there for a spot of observing. I understand they are a very reliable bunch of fellows with cases of making sure the “right man” wins………

Oh, shame, sorry Mr Mugabe, we can’t help you out there, I understand we’ve got a spot of bother our end and they’re all under investigation in an international independent enquiry.

Oh well, at least there’ll be none of that twaddle for you Zimbabweans when the President wins. It’ll just be business as usual and all those colonialists and their mumbo jumbo rights concerns can get knotted.

Personally I think if I was a Zimbabwean I might just not bother getting out of bed today as chances are it’ll not be worth paying that 10 Million dollar bus fare to get yourself down the polling station.

But then again, miracles are known to have happened – even in Africa.

(Perhaps not in Kenya I may add, but still….)

So I shall sit here watching the news and wait for the official results – perhaps not with baited breath – but I shall await the results all the same, and perhaps keep my toes crossed that someone somewhere may have the audacity to help knock Robert Mugabe off his pedestal and beat him in these elections.

Our "Grand Coalition" government is at 'stalemate' ..

Well after all the ‘how to lose some kilos’ advice I was offered, I thought I’d better get to it. Then in this last couple of days on the British news, there is a story that has really caught my eye.

There’s been lots of talk of this website called Miss Bimbo, which is aimed at 9 to 16 year old girls, in which they are told to buy their virtual characters breast enlargement surgery and to keep them “waif thin” with diet pills, and it really made me think ….

It’s not 9 to 16 year olds that should be worried about the kind of rubbish it promotes, such as who’s got the trendiest hair do, clothes and skinniest body (with or without plastic surgery), but it should be shut down and immediately relaunched as a 25+ years old only site and it’ll be an instant hit !

I mean you only need read the front page of the site;

Become the hottest, coolest most famous bimbo ever!
Become the most famous, beautiful, sought after bimbo across the globe!
• Find your own cool place to live.
• Find a fun job to pay for your needs and all the clothes a Bimbo could possibly want.
• Date that famous hottie you've had your eye on and show the Bimbo world the social starlet you are!
• Even resort to meds or plastic surgery. Stop at nothing to become the reigning bimbo!

I’ll join up, get myself some diet pills, plastic surgery and some designer clothes and I’ll be all set to reface you bloggers out there as I resurface as Miss Bimbo Chick 2008, and I know you’ll all be dead impressed !



...... Then I took a look at our own headlines this morning;


"Parties want Annan to resolve stalemate"
“PNU and ODM blame each other after deadlock over how to share key posts”, and
“MP’s take a 3 week break” from Parliament - the "big house with no business to transact”,

and it got me thinking ……..

We could start an internet game here just for all our Kenyan Members of Parliament to give them something useful to do whilst they take yet another break, and it could perhaps stop their bickering and renewed threats of mass action. They could earn ‘power points’ instead of ‘bimbo attitude points’. They could even earn themselves cash, but only by completing different challenges online, and then they could be granted different ministries as per their outcomes of the various challenges.

Normal everyday people such as ourselves would think up the challenges and WE would decide WHO deserves each ministry – whether from the PNU or the ODM camp, it would be OUR choice!

You could have the solving of security problems challenge where you could resettle all the IDP’s safely back into their own homes without any further tribalism around to drive them out again, and if you won the challenge you could be awarded the MINISTRY OF INTERNAL SECURITY.

If you rebuilt streets that were totalled during the troubles such as those in Kisumu, you could perhaps garner yourself the MINISTRY OF HOUSING & DEVELOPMENT, and if you could persuade all foreign embassies to remove their travel warnings and accept you as an ‘honest type’, you could perhaps win yourself the MINISTRY OF FOREIGN AFFAIRS……
(Then again, it may be tricky for any one of our 200+ MP’s to win that challenge, I’m not sure ‘honesty’ is quite up their street.)

The MINISTRY OF EDUCATION will only be got by putting in some decent plans for free education that don’t relate to the nonsense of “building funds”, but actually genuinely give free schooling. Then the MINISTRY OF LOCAL GOVERNMENT would be given to someone who can actually prove that a plan of keeping the matatu’s out of the city centre and giving the contract of shuttle services to a few ‘friendly’ companies (and NOT ‘at a price’) will actually help the traffic congestion and will not just be a way to make an extra buck on the side and meanwhile heaping yet more costs onto the common wanainchi.

They could earn themselves Mercedes, security details, take away girlfriends and even extra salaries but instead of all this coming out of our hard earned taxes, it could be all virtual cash and controlled by virtual bankers (– such as me of course who will take up the MINISTRY OF FINANCE), who shall allow only necessary provisions for drawings of real cash by paying ALL MP’s bills direct.

Although all ‘virtual’ and ‘online’, these MP’s would be earning themselves a ton, have Mercs stashed at each of their various residences, and a ‘sweetie’ housed in the Penthouse suite at the Nairobi Safari Club.

All this will do their street credibility wonders, the real cash would still lie in the Central Bank coffers and would not actually be spent on these Members of Parliament and their fictitious expenses, but could be finally used properly on real projects that would have been thought up originally as challenges on line with proper input coming from real Kenyans living real lives and not those living in their posh mansions surrounded by cotton wool and not having a real clue as to what the rest of Kenya is actually going through.

I reckon this game has the potential to most definitely sort the men from the boys (or the women from the girls for that matter), and get our country finally back on the right track!

And if, by the way there was a problem with the adjudication of the whole event, (we’d be sure not to have the ECK involved in any online tallying!), there wouldn’t be calls of mass action but instead online internet hours would be limited to the side seen as not behaving themselves! That way, our MPs would need to complete their challenges more competently in less time, therefore actually making use of their brains for once perhaps for something more useful than finding out which clothes to pack for their next ‘retreat’.

Excellent plan don’t you think?

I think we should go ahead with it immediately.

We’ll call it whowantstobeaminister.co.ke

Right, first things first;
“Hands up, Who wants to be President??”

Kenya Today . .

As usual our government has its priorities skewed . . .


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Who needs enemies ……?

Well yesterday I decided it was about that time in the year when I should remove my lardy arse from its dent that its settled into in the sofa and get it out there and back onto a horse seeing as I haven’t actually sat on one for over a month and polo season will be once more upon us in a few weeks time.

So off I went down to the stables feeling all self righteous that I had at last decided to get some exercise in and what greeted me – but streams of abuse!!

First of all I was asked the usual “Habari ya kupotea?” which literally translates as “How are you since you’ve been lost?” – and is obviously a polite version of “Where the bloody hell have you been?”

Anyway of course I replied with the usual excuses,

“I’ve been so busy at work” – Pathetic

“I’ve been away” – Lies

And what I should have said; “Actually I’m just a lazy git” – which of course would have been the ultimate truth but being the oh so pathetic girl that I am – best not mention the truth, but flower it with poor excuses and white lies!

Well there was nothing like poor excuses and white lies in return when I got on those horses let me tell you.

First of all – I realised they’d grown in the last few weeks (although of course they’re not supposed to do that at their age, they most definitely have), as I found it rather a long way up to raise my leg to get it in those stirrups let me tell you. In fact I haven’t had my leg up that high in months!!

Then off I toddled onto the ground, stick in hand to whack a few balls. Well there’s another thing that’s obviously changed in the last few months – the bloody ball has shrunk – I’m sure they thought I wanted a game of ping pong and had brought me something that seemed golf ball sized from all the way up there on top of the horse and my judgement was a little off shall we say!

Anyway after a few hits it seems my eyes adjusted to the size of the ball and it grew with every stroke back to the normal size of a polo ball which was great. My horses however were another story as, after their time off eating lots and doing little exercise, they have all turned it into 'Trojan horse' and proceeded to tow me from one end of the ground to the other!

The whole affair caused great hilarity amongst the syces (grooms to those of you not from these parts), and they all sat on the sidelines in hysterics.

When I finally made it back to the sideline myself, red faced and puffing and gracefully exited my horse by swinging my leg gracefully over the back of the saddle, and promptly collapsing into a heap on the floor, the syces were full of advice.

The smallest of them started it off – obviously it was a case of ‘smallest first and if he gets damned then the rest of us can keep our mouths shut’, so the small fellow says to me;

“That horse has a lot of energy doesn’t it?”

Er – understatement of the year, and he continues,

“You know, perhaps you should go home and do some press ups and then you might be able to stop him.”

– Oh Ok, thanks fellow, that’s fab – perhaps I could have done that spot of advice a little earlier before the horse ripped my shoulder out of its socket, but hey thanks, nice one….

Then the second bravest syce pipes up;

“Perhaps if you went for a run you might have a bit more energy.”

– Er, yea, right, ok, ....

But no they hadn’t quite finished with me yet, and the third guy takes his turn;

“Yes, and if you lost some few kilos of weight, the horse might become a little speedier too!!”

Well, bloody thanks a lot. So to sum it up I’m a fat git who should be doing a few press ups and running to the stables so that I give the horses backs a bit of a break, and to stop the excessive hilarity I seem to be causing in the pony lines ..........

Actually, I laughed so loud, and it made me realise. If a friend had said any of those things to me I’d have been mortified and probably told them to “Bugger Off” – in of course my bestest English mind! But for these guys, they haven’t said all those words to hurt my feelings, but they are just being brutally honest, and really that’s how we all should be, and for that I think they’re all fab.

I’m telling you, if you want a 100% honest opinion on whether your bum looks big in that – ask one of the syces, because I can assure you, they will tell you how it is, not what you want to hear perhaps, but the candid facts.

Damn, I should have popped down those stables long ago. I needed the wake up call of the fact that I’m a fat lazy git because unless someone gives it to me straight, my mind is a fabulous thing and can hide the good old honest truth from me for weeks with that thing going on in my head with the angelic part and the devil part and I’ll just hear what I want to hear!

My internal head conversations generally go something like;

Little Devil: “Christ Woman, look at the bleeding size of you, you fat git. Get off your backside and stop eating for goodness sake”

Little Angel: “Gosh, the big wardrobe* seems to be getting a little tight, I must look into changing our washing powder as this variety seems to shrink everything. Another chocolate biscuit anyone?”

*Just a quick note on ‘the big wardrobe’. It’s a phenomenon that occurs amongst most women that verifies the need for double the wardrobe space of any man, and it’s that we have ‘fat clothes’ and ‘thin clothes’. The thin clothes are for when you’re feeling thin, fit and fabulous and the fat clothes are for when you’re feeling bloated, irritable and downright bloody moody quite frankly. In my house the thin clothes haven’t had much of an outing recently, and even the fat ones are getting decidedly tight which means best I do exactly what the syces told me and stop eating crap, do some press ups and go for a run, because I cannot possibly justify, or for that matter afford, an even larger fat wardrobe right now just through the effects of my extreme laziness.

… Hmmmm,

“Chuck us those crisps will you, there’s a doll.”!!

Happy Fluffy Bunny & Chocolate Day ......

Can you believe I'm in the office all alone working on some project or other that has to be redone 35 million times before it 'sounds right' - I mean for goodness sake, I've been told all the information is there and correct but "it is more the way it is presented".... anal bunch of b..... Ooooooooh, sorry about that, got myself all worked up there for a second.

(And for anyone out there who knows me, you'll know that the way this project is about to be presented (if I am made to redo it a FOURTH time), is slapped around the chops let me tell you ...)

Meanwhile I have a smashing bunch of workmen in the room next door smashing a dirty great hole through the outside wall into the next door building. (Damn people obviously missed out on the 'TAKE EASTER WEEKEND OFF' memo - even though my entire office staff seemed to have conveniently slotted that memo into front page memory and are absolutely nowhere to be found - sensible lot!)

I of course, am sitting here peering through the dust with my head pounding and my heart jealous that everyone else in on their 'hols', so I've switched the volume up full blast on my computer and am singing along to this .......



Join me and Have a Jolly Fab Easter and may I wish you lots of chocolate bunnys and eggs and other yummy things ........