Sunday, September 30, 2007

Turns out I'm a 'fruitcake'!

Thought I'd throw in a curve ball to this blog of mine. Anyone who reads it may look upon the rest of my ramblings with a slightly skewed view after this, but i feel i need to write this down to see if i can make sense of it all, so here goes ......................

Well, it turns out I'm officially a 'fruitcake'.

I haven't decided if its an insult or a relief to be labelled but it's happened.

I'm not one for doctor's myself, avoiding them at all costs. All aches and pains are relieved with a self-medicated bucket of brufen, colds and flu knocked on the head with a few bottles of Flu-Gone or other such medication, Buscopan is a marvel with anything in the stomach department and anything else is generally got through with a 'grin and bear it' attitude which usually gets me through.

However, after almost a month of feeling a little like death warmed up, i finally succumbed and hit The Surgery and it turns out I'm stressed! Well, no s...t Sherlock ....... tell me one full time working single mother on the planet who isn't!

What i didn't realise is the nonsense it can cause your system. I've read a million and one articles on stress and what to do about it but I'm in the 'couldn't possibly happen to me' brigade - or perhaps it should be 'bury your head in the sand' brigade, and never realised I'd fall down the stress drain. Turns out i have, and hard.

Next thing you know, I've been referred to the psych to 'see if they can help'.

Turns out the psych is an old school friend and that only remembering about 2 collective months of my entire life is not 'normal'.

I must say, i do find it depressing that I must of had some great experiences in my time seeing as I've been half way round the world and back, and even seeing photos of myself at various stages in life brings back no memories whatsoever. In fact the few memories that i do possess were filled in by other people who told me what i did but they don't really feel like my own.

I think perhaps i feel betrayed. Betrayed by my own mind for allowing itself to be shut down.

It turns out that my strange haphazard childhood wasn't exactly normal and because of this its blocked out the past and now I'm targeted by some psychopathic narcissist that has got inside my head and has (quite successfully i might add) tried to destroy my inner soul.

I'm not entirely sure how all these revelations make me feel really, but i suppose if i had to label it I'd say i was disappointed in myself for not seeing all this so clearly a lot earlier in my life (seeing as i officially hit middle age last week!)- I'm now in a panic that I've wasted the best years of my life in a strange oblivion and realise that it's probably too late to rectify much now and basically i suppose to sum it up; "I've really F.....d this one up!"

Good news is the psych seems to think we can work through the blur and make this world a much rosier place, but I'm not sure that it's not too late for me and perhaps i should just keep going in the fog until i fall off the road.

Definitely not sure - I'll have to give it some thought. Let's see how long i can keep my head above the water, although by the sounds of it, I'm officially sinking!

..... "Throw me a lifebelt!" ............

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