It's time to look beyond Kenya today ....

Here is a small sample of our local daily headlines;

"Residents distress cry as blood spills on the mountain side"
"Road blocks manned by murderous gangs"
"More property burnt in border chaos"
"Food shortages as fleeing families crowd camps"
"Militia rules Mt Elgon"
"Man killed in attack raid at trading centre"
"Kenya Red Cross say more than 1,000 people killed in post-election crisis"


- and sadly, this has been the same for the last one month, but then I logged onto the BBC website to see if perhpas they may have cheerier news across the seas and boy do they .....
Well, well, look at this ;


High heels 'may improve sex life'
Wearing higher heels - may improve your pelvic floor muscles and in doing so boost your sex life, a study suggests.


and .......

Pelvic floor exercises 'help men too'

Pelvic floor exercises have long been recommended for women - now researchers say they could help men too.

The exercises were found to help men with erectile dysfunction as much as taking in Viagra.

Well people how terrific is that? Best we get the Honorable Mwai Kibaki and his rival, the Honorable Raila Odinga into a pair of high heels sharpish as they always say a distinct lack of sex makes men incredibly grumpy, so this must surely be the key. Boost their sex lives and then they will become much more agreeable.

I'll just nip down to the Nairobi Serena Hotel and let Mr Annan know that they should all be tarting round in heels, get themselves a little more sex, a little less viagra, and we could all live happily ever after.

Oh yes, yes, yes, I am so excited - i'm off to choose for them .......





Now I think Kibaki will look fab in these.












And these will go perfectly with Raila's ODM colours don't you think ........

We have a small light!

It seems finally there is a very small light at the end of an extremely dark tunnel.

The government have finally lifted the live media ban as, according to the 'Honorable' Saitoti, who is the Internal Security Minister, there is "increased security" in the country now!

Not sure if too many people are getting the full advantage of this "increased security" but hey whatever rocks his boat we say, at least he's lifted the ban so let's not complain here.

Another little bit of news to put a small smile on your faces.

Imanyara has come out to confirm the rumours of his run in with the 'first lady' Lucy Kibaki. He said he was pulled out of a meeting at State House with Kibaki and around 20 other ministers, including Musyoka and Saitoti apparently, and had obscenities hurled at him by an 'inappropriately' dressed Lucy who then started flinging punches until he grabbed her arms and restrained her! He was then apparently escorted from the premises by State House security!

Must say I'd love to know what the woman was wearing to be deemed 'inappropriately' dressed. Do you think she was in her silk pyjamas perhaps, or knowing her, a flattering pair of hot pants!?!

Mr Imanyara says he will sue Mrs Kibaki for assault and Mrs Kibaki (Lucy, she's such a doll), is going to countersue for character assassination!

That'll be a fab day in court if it ever gets there. I think we should start booking our seats for that session now. He He.


Sent from my BlackBerry®

The whole of Kenya sits in despair

I sit here in my office trying desperately hard to focus on the computer screen through watery eyes and a pounding head.

Turns out I’ve got a touch of flu – not the 'Man Flu’ kind that would have me huddling under my duvet sipping hot tea, but the ‘Womanly’ type which means I’ve taken some dawa (medicine to the rest of you), and am sipping lemon and honey tea at my desk during my lunch hour, after dropping my son at school, accomplishing a full mornings work, and and all the rest of my single working mother duties. (Eat your heart out Kofi !)

Sadly there is no news from our end. All is quiet outside. (By the way, when I say ‘quiet’, I mean no gunshots or marauding protesters). We have heard nothing on the local news apart from in Eldoret where the hospitals are now paralysed as the majority of the doctors and nurses have fled for their own safety and the few remaining staff are totally overwhelmed and unable to cope. I’m sure this scene is consistent throughout most of the Rift Valley and Western Kenya by now.

The local media is full of ‘ancestral homes‘ and ‘ethnic origins’ and the words ‘tribe’, ‘tribal’ and ‘tribalism’ seem to have been banned from the pages under the suspicions of inciting violence.

The international media seems to think that the Kikuyu’s – Kibaki’s tribe – are the main victims in all of this but I’m afraid people they are very wrong, ALL Kenyans are the victims.

In the central provinces (which is Kibaki strongholds), they've hardly had a mention, as things seem to be fairly calm there and there seems to be less murder and burning of property as in other areas, but there is still ethnic cleansing going on. All non-Kikuyu’s have been driven out of their homes in fear and are living in police station compounds all over Central Kenya, and those that try desperately hard to stay on in their homes and ignore the threats cannot survive as everyone boycotts their business and refuses to sell them food to eat, so they have no choice but to join the others in the camps.

So even without the horrific violence, there are many thousands of other Kenyans just living with threats hanging over their heads, and looking around the Western regions and seeing the death and destruction, can they even dream of trying to ‘hang in there’ when those are the same threats they are faced with?

If Kibaki’s government is really a legitimate government in all this, why is not protecting Kenyans? He seems to be doing fine in State House there, with his god knows how many fenced and guarded acres of land around him but what of the 36 Million + other people living in this country, can we really say we feel safe in our houses at night – that is of course if we are still lucky enough to have a roof over our head. What is this government exactly doing for us? It certainly does not seem to be protecting its citizens in any form at all and why is it now being seen as biased towards certain tribes, er sorry, “ethnic origins” is what I meant ( – we’ve gone off the word ‘tribe’ remember!)

Depending which district the police are operating in depends on how much force they are willing to use (translate that as how many live rounds they should fire directly at the people). But this has become a Catch 22 situtation as now the police have actually become targets in certain areas of the country, especially after the MP Mr Too was killed by a policeman after being involved in a tragic ‘love triangle’.

Now that the police have lost control, our country is being ruled entirely by gangs and gang culture is the only thing keeping half the wanainchi alive ironically.

You pay some thug to guarantee your safety from the main road where the bus drops you off up to your house. You pay another thug so that you can sleep through the night knowing your home won’t be torched before morning. You pay again whilst you go to work to make sure your house is safe from looters ‘shopping’ throughout the day, and you even pay an excess on your bus fare as the buses coming into your area of town have to pay a toll to gangs of thugs at makeshift roadblocks and so therefore the bus drivers pass that cost onto you.

I certainly do not wish to come across as partial to one party or the other, I just want to make a point that a lot of the international press are missing that it is not only the people in the Rift Valley and Western Kenya that are suffering through all this, every single Kenyans life is in torment in some form or another.

But is this really a life – or is this just some kind of sick existence ?

And here's a slight update I have just been sent through my SMS right now from Nation Media: South Africa's RAMAPHOSA withdraws from Annan team after Government side rejects him.

- so there's a smashing start to our week then!

Perhaps it's all a conspiracy theory after all...

Nothing makes sense any more. The leaders are talking, (well when it's not the weekend of course, or time for tea or lunch, or any other excuse from breaking up the meeting of telling lies to each other just to keep Mr. Annan happy), and yet it seems, we are really going nowhere fast.

The media reported on Friday; "Annan Team pledges end to violence in 7 days", but by today, they've gone back to "Ethnic clashes are continuing in Western Kenya, where tribal rivalry has stoked mob attacks, even after the country's opposing political forces reached an agreement", and "Kenya's Rift Valley burns despite talks of peace", and "Militiamen armed with clubs, sharpened sticks and machetes patrolled roads in Kenya's Rift Valley on Sunday, while scores of people fled."

So in a gallant effort to steer myself away from the continuously depressing local news I did a bit of surfing of the web, and much to my delight, actually came across a theory that looks quite plausible to our very own crisis at home.


"According to BBC Reporter David Icke, reptilian humanoids are the force behind a worldwide conspiracy directed at manipulation and control of humanity. He contends that most of the world's leaders, from William Jefferson Clinton, Hillary Rodham Clinton, Barack Obama and George W. Bush to members of the British royal family, are in fact related to the 7-foot (2.1 m) tall, blood-drinking reptilians from the star system Alpha Draconis.

According to an interview with David Icke, Christine Fitzgerald, a confidante of the late Diana, Princess of Wales, claims that Diana told her that the Royal Family were reptilian aliens, and that they could shapeshift. David Icke and others have claimed that U.S. President George W. Bush and his family are part of this same bloodline. "

Well, of course, that's it!

Turns out our very own Mr. Kibaki and Mr. Odinga are probably just reptilian beings from some star-system or other and keep shapeshifting from nice guy politicians to machete wielding marauding gangsters in their spare time in order to take over the minds and bodies of all Kenyans and ship them back to the planet NARC.

That would make perfect sense of splitting all the ethnic groups up and transporting them into IDP camps, so they'll be easier to pick up en masse. And then once the two aliens have completely destroyed our beautiful country, trashed its economy and ostracised all of its people, they can ship in a bunch of jolly green giants and they'd all live happily ever after in the battered, burnt out lunar landscape that will be all that is left behind if we keep this up.

Sorry about all this. I think all the stress and complete unknown of what on earth to expect tomorrow is catching up with me and I am slowly, but very surely, losing what little sanity I had left to lose. I do hope there's at least a spare space at Mathare Mental Hospital for me - I don't mind sharing a bed if I have to.

The 4 point peace plan according to Mr Annan

Before I start my post today will all those reading this, please place their tongues firmly in their cheeks before I begin (or you just won’t get my points, and I could get arrested!)

Well Kofi Annan did his bit of mediation yesterday with the ‘Big 6’ (3 from each sides of the opposition), and said that they had an agreed an AGENDA !

Whoopee and well done boys (and girls). That’s only taken you the best part of this week – best you take the weekend off don’t you think – Oh you will, OK then don’t mind us whilst everyone gets on with a spot of lynching, shooting, hacking, looting and burning then!

Funnily enough, that is what’s been going on for most of our Saturday in and around Western Kenya. So far I’ve heard of at least four killed and hundreds of homes burnt up in the Western areas around Eldoret and Kericho, and yet another few hundred people are now displaced.

So how exactly has Mr Annan helped us so far?

Well, it seems the agenda is a four-point plan (or a 44 point plan if you listen to the latest media reports, but I'll go with the 4),with short-term and long-term issues that need to be sorted. The short term ones are;

First is to take ‘immediate action’ to stop the violence and restore fundamental rights and liberties – these include the right to life (which is always a bit of a bonus), the freedom of the press in their reporting of events (which would be nice as perhaps less rumour mongering would be in order), and the right of assembly (which may mean we’re in for a spot more rallying which will be smashing – literally probably!)
But here’s the first catch. I never realised ‘immediate action’ would mean, well lets have the weekend and a bit of time out seeing as we worked for a whole 10 hours yesterday so we need at least 48 off for good behaviour, and we’ll return Monday after both parties have battered each other with more abuse and more innocent Kenyans are robbed and killed, and then we can settle down with a cup of coffee and get back to business.

Secondly is ‘immediate measures’ – of course you know what they mean by ‘immediate’, it’s as explained above – is to address the humanitarian crisis. Of course, those IDPs (internally displaced people for those of you new to this humanitarian speak, which I was actually before the beginning of January 2008!), can just starve a little longer whilst the Red Cross struggles with security on the roads trying their damndest to help to feed, clothe and give these people shelter. But not to worry, as we highlighted earlier, we’ll be back to the cozy boardroom in the Serena Hotel with our coffee and biscuits working on that, first thing Monday.

Thirdly on the four-point agenda is how to overcome the political crisis.

Ah, now this one could be slightly trickier seeing as Kibaki has just told the African Union conference that basically Raila can ‘get stuffed’ if he thinks he’s going to get any kind of justice with regards to the election because of course Kibaki says that he won fair and square and if Raila has an issue with that, then best he gets himself down to those law courts and have that smashing bunch of chaps that he personally appointed as judges, sort it out.

And the last agenda point concerned long term issues such as unemployment, poverty and land reforms.

The mediation team (or ‘facilitation’ team as Kibaki insists it is), have all assured us that the first three points in this agenda will be resolved between 7 and 15 days from the start of the dialogue on January 28th. So seeing as we’ve had lots of time off and now a bit of a weekend, in my book we are supposed to be looking at things being sorted starting Monday the 4th February (which already looks completely unlikely as they will only just be getting stuck back into the coffee and biccies by then back in the boardroom), and Monday 11th February.

– so perhaps they best they stop faffing about and get on with it wouldn’t you say?!?!?!

Now Showing ! (unsuitable for developed countries)

Cartoon from The Standard this morning.

Gossip, Rumour and Assumption

Kenyans are excellent when it comes to a spot of rumour mongering and gossip. You can always tell it's going to be a great Kenyan story as soon as it starts out with;

"You know, I don't like gossiping, but ......... Weellllll, Have you heard?",
and that's it, you know you're going to be all ears, you just can't seem to help yourself.

Well, when the story broke yesterday of the second MP from the Opposition party being shot dead not even 48 hours after coming to terms with the fact that the first MP, Were was shot, that was it, Kenyan's were off speculating before the sentence of "Did you hear?" was even finished, and from the comments I was left on my last post, we were all at it.

But here's the thing - Yes, we will all agree with the one comment saying that 99% of our MP's seem to have a zipper malfunction with their trousers and just can't seem to keep it up (the zip that is, now - stop it !)

We all know that 99% of Kenyan MP's (and a good majority of all Kenyan men in fact) are really quite partial to a bit of take-away (or a 'bit on the side' as they call it overseas), but I'm with the majority on this one that seem to point to the fact that it was 'Oh so convenient', that our friend Mr. Kimutai Too just happened to be cruising town with a spot of take-away, - that happened to be a lady cop – (I assume on duty, as she was in uniform, and was armed), a relative of his, and the fact that our very own police Commissioner, Major General Hussein Ali was so quick and forthcoming with a total explanation of what exactly happened in great detail without conducting any apparent investigations, and all within a just a few hours of it actually happening, it’s all extremely odd to say the least.

In the paper this morning we’ve had some superb reasons as to why Mr. Too had the lady policeman in his car;

“they were driving to the nearest hotel” – but obviously were totally lost as apparently there are no hotels anywhere near the area where they were shot

“the MP was teaching the woman how to drive” – er, most definitely why we vote our MP’s in – to teach the police how to drive – Gosh, of course, how silly of me not to have known that. In fact, next time, let’s just vote for the AA

“the MP was off to view a plot of land” – the only one that is perhaps vaguely plausible.

Other details that don’t seem to add up though in my book are –

Why was the policeman who committed the crime said to be one minute “known but on the run”, then an hour later he had “turned himself in”, then last night “he was caught up with in the next town and arrested”. Does anyone know anything about his arrest at all, how it came about and at what time of the day?

Then, once the police had the suspect in custody, he was “flown to Nairobi from Eldoret” and not kept in a cell in Eldoret so that he could be charged there. But why? Surely the cells in Eldoret are also lockable and the courts there seem to be dealing fine with charging the people they have caught so far to do with the rioting, etc.

The policeman's family were evacuated from their house within an hour of the shooting incident when a taxi came to collect them and took them away with a police escort to an unknown destination. Mmmm, ok, so why would the police assume his family was in danger if it really was just a 'love triangle' - surely we'd feel sorry for the woman?

The thing that really gets me after all this is the fact that the police, government and anyone else who has ‘assumed’ authority at the moment in this great country of ours, seems intent on pulling the wool over the eyes of all Kenyans.

I really wish Mr. Annan could just sort out this honesty issue first – then every other issue would surely fall into place.

Perhaps all MP’s, Presidents, Police Commissioners and anyone else with a bit of power in their hands should walk around with a lie detector strapped to them so that anytime they opened their mouth and total lies emerged, they’d get themselves electrocuted or perhaps kicked in the arse (both in fact would be good for me), and once their hair sticks straight up on end with all the electricity charged through it and their bums well and truly hurt from all the kicking,

THEN perhaps we may get somewhere – peace may be a possibility – and Mr. Annan can return to his lovely wife and children (I’m assuming here he does have some of those), and Kenyans can live happily ever after.