Yoooo Hoooooo .......

I'm over here ........


http://lostkenyanchick.wordpress.com/



..... catch me if you can





Skiing Ostrich - Awesome video clips here

Time for change .......

- and let's just hope that this is "Change you can Believe In".

I have been such a slacker recently when it comes to writing my blog and it's not really because I've got nothing to say. There has hardly been a time in my life really when I haven't had much to say - except probably when I've been put under general anaesthetic - but god help you if you're the one standing by my bedside when I come round as it has this fantastic effect on me that sends my mouth into overdrive (with jolly colourful words mostly), and I become momentarily insane (even more than the usual can you believe), and I start punching everyone around me! ..... Don't say you haven't been warned now!

But it's OK peeps, relax there. You can come out from behind your computer screens as although it may seem that I have been put under anaesthetic as the rambling has been temporarily halted, actually i am, and have been, fully conscious throughout and it's actually ......

.... BLOGGER.COM's fault, so HA ! (I so like passing the buck, I mean it couldn't possibly be that I'm just a lazy git and really can't be arsed to think of what to say, or to press the 'blogspot' button more than once because it doesn't go through the first time and I have the patience of a flea!)

I don't know about you lot out there but I am actually having a serious problem getting onto most of the 'blogger.com' sites. It keeps booting me out with a blank page and a cute little comment in the corner that says "done" - although what it thinks it has done is quite beyond me as all I get is a perfectly blank screen!! Yet all those blogs who go through different portals such as wordpress or tumblr don't seem to have a problem at all. So, think I might just look into the pros and cons of defection to 'the other side'!

And by the way, it's not the only thing I'm defecting from.

I have "officially" - letter and all - defected from my job.
* Gasp *

It's all been a bit of a shock to the staff and myself actually. I'm not sure that I was fully intent on leaving at the moment but things have been a little tricky around here recently and it seems that if one gets smacked round the chops enough times, your enthusiasm for what you are doing finally wanes funnily enough.

So that's me, that's where I am at.

I've always been good at 'legging it' and I was kind of overdue for some major change, so have decided to move on to pastures greener, and will take my blog with me too!

So it's Adieu for now Peeps, and we'll see you on the other side.
- That is of course when I can work out where the 'other side' might be.
I'll keep you posted - *gosh, how droll of me *

Just a couple of little tidbits to keep you going whilst I go about transferring my life to the next door field;

"DEPUTY PM MUSALIA MUDAVADI FIRES 64 COUNCILLORS WHO WERE GAZETTED BY HIS COUNTERPART UHURU KENYATTA" - NTV News, Wednesday 6th August 9pm


"LOCAL GOVERNMENT MINISTER MUSALIA MUDAVADI SUED FOR CONTEMPT FOR NAMING NEW NOMINATED COUNCILLORS IN BREACH OF AN APRIL 29 COURT ORDER" - NTV News, Thursday 7th August 12.30pm

Mmmmm - I'd have said that was probably "Deuce"!



... and I couldn't let this little advert slip past you that I found in the Nairobi Star this morning;


So you can go through the rest of your day happy now gentleman.

Catch you later!
Love you Lots,
MWAH.

Just arrived in my inbox ........

From john charles

I am writing to seek your partnership in the investment of my inheritance fund USD $6.5M from my late father who died mysteriously on 12 july 2006.

I will like to further introduce myself to you. My name is Mr john charles, I am a 20 years old boy, the only child and son of my late parents Mr and Mrs Toure charles.

It was very evident that he was poisoned to death. I lost my mother when I was barely a year old and my father refused to re-marry another wife because he felt solely responsible for my mother's death. This is so because he concentrated much on his businesses that he rarely pays attention to domestic affairs.

He was always travelling taking care of his businesses that he did not notice when my mother took ill. He thought it was a minor illness and was ignorant of this. My mother on her own resorted to self-medication.

It was not until the illness degenerated that my father took my mother to hospital where she was diagnosed to find out that hypatitis had eaten deep into her blood stream. She didn't last long before she died. This happened when I was barely a year old. Based on this, my father could not forgive himself easily because of it and said he was responsible for her death as he could have saved her if only he had paid attention to the things at home rather than concentrating much on his businesses.

Despite all entreaties by friends and relatives, he refused to remarry but ensured that I had everything that I wanted. It was as a result of this that he made me the next of kin to his fund deposit with the bank here in my country, I should have a direct access to the fund,only when I am 28 years of age otherwise, I should have a guardian/partner intercede on my behalf for the release of the fund to me. Unfortunately, he died on 12 july 2006 and I am 20 years of age currently.

This is why I have contacted you to serve as a guardian to me and as my foreign partner for the investment of my inheritance fund overseas My uncles does not know about the funds because they had already taken my father's houses and other properties and they are looking for a way to kill me. They have requested to have my father's file where all the documents that proof the existence of my inheritance fund in the bank where kept but I simply told them that I do not know where he kept them.

Talk to you the more.
John charles



There you go - word for word, the usual junk that I receive daily - (such the popular chick that I am). Todays seems to have a little more imagination than most that come through so thought I should share this one with you all.

And what do you think of it for a bit of scandal so early in the morning??
I'm thinking perhaps this chap should get a part in a James Bond movie - sounds like the perfect plot don't you think, and for me to be picked out as his guardian and get a share in all this - "Gosh, how honored am I?" ......... Er .......

In fact anyone keen on helping the chap out could probably get in touch with him direct. Think his return email was;
pleasecaniripyouoff@whatasucker.com


What I still don't get though is how do these weirdos get hold of my email address, and also why haven't Kenyans thought up something similar ? We're usually excellent at finding the most ingenious ways to rip people off and yet these scams seem to be all coming from foreign web worlds ?

Or perhaps it's just that my email address has got it's little self into the wrong hemisphere and I am missing out on the emails that are asking for donations for Obama's granny to go on a small round the world cruise on her way to his inauguration ceremony as the President of the US of the A's??

Perhaps I shall start my own .......

I mean, did you not know I was the illegitimate daughter of our (EX) Finance Minister Mr Kimunya's, childhood sweetheart, and that I too have a small 5Million Dollar fund with my name on it standing by at the Central Bank of which I need to get my hands on through a third party, so that Mr Marende (the house speaker in Parliament) doesn't find out and try to poison me when I'm having my next 3 course lunch at The Grand Regency hotel with my "Unco Amos" !!

True ............. or False ??

First, a question ??
How many emails would you say on average you receive in a day that are total crap - and by 'crap' I do mean the ones from 'unknown' senders or those with spectacular names such as godimfullacrap@yabloodyhoo.com and such like ?? (Not those ones that we receive from the boss that really should be filed under the same heading - but sadly you have to actually carry out their wishes first - that is of course if you want to get paid, and seeing as today is the 30th July - best do whatever he says today for tomorrow your paycheck may go missing!)

Anyway as for the random 'crap' messages that you get. Let's take the average week's company email. We start with at least 3 a day 'wishing to be friends' - not that some of them can even spell the word however but still, it seems they have been waiting for this moment all their lives and your email conveniently appeared (as a vision no doubt), and now this is 'karma' that you must now become live long buddies......... Yea, right.

If you're lucky (as I am at least 5 times a week let me tell you - it's OK, you can leave the fan mail / god I'm jealous mail in the comment box once I've finished posting this), .... where was I? .. Oh yes, now if you're lucky not only will these smashing people wish to be friends but lots of them will want to send hundreds of thousands of dollars to your bank account as they've nicked it from somewhere (perfectly above board you understand), and now wish to give half of it to you for just being their new 'friend' and conveniently giving out your entire life history so they can in turn rip you off!!

Then of course, there's always a ton of those emails with smashing offers such as; offering generous libido enhancing drugs; enlarge your penis in 10 minutes; and loose 35kg of your body mass in one breath!

And then finally when you sift out all that crap (and the bosses email of course - star that one just in case you delete it by mistake whilst you're too busy catching up with your mates on Facebook), then we are left with my favourite ones, and that is all the scandals, hoaxes and jokes that come through on a daily basis.

Those are the only ones worth reading - they show how much time half this world has on their hands. Like the one I received yesterday on Jamie Oliver's *new* cookbook - that is of course, er, NOT ! But it's fun reading don't you think? And don't joke, it has 120 odd pages - all with lovely piccies of the delicious meals you may poison yourselves with. I mean, who has the time to write all that??

Mshairi left a comment on that post directing us to a website where you can go and check out the real vs. the unreal. It's called snopes and is really quite enlightening! It is also though, in some ways, incredibly disappointing. I so wanted that mobile phones cooking the popcorn and boiling an egg thing to be true. I carry two mobiles around with me at all times just in case I get stuck somewhere in the middle of nowhere with no power and a raw egg, and now it looks like I shall have to think again on my 'survival pack' as apparently *in the real world* 100 mobile phones sitting on top of an egg for one hour didn't even warm the damn thing up!

But at least now I am full of crap myself and can do lots of "Did you know .....?"


I have useful information on board now such as;
Coca Cola did not invent Santa Claus, (can you bloody believe it!)
Coca Cola is not an effective spermicide, (so stop chucking all that fizz about!)
BUT, BUT, BUT,
Coca Cola DID once contain cocaine and did not become completely cocaine free until 1929.
(Can I say that explains a lot as to why my Granny was such a diva until the age of 89! She had a good 30 years of drinking that stuff !!)

Anyway this all got me thinking that I should set up my own "true or false" site with regards to politics in Kenya. But then of course I realised that sadly ALL of the most ridiculous and unbelievable things that happen amongst our Members of Parliament and the like, are totally TRUE, and how depressing would that be having an entire website dedicated to our disasters that they call "Politics in Kenya"??

I think I shall ditch the idea and save the Samaritans a bunch of depressed Kenyan's phone calls as they are all about to launch themselves off their fridge freezer as life will be too dismal to continue with. I also don't want The Samaritan call centre in India to get too excited when a bunch of truck driving Kenyans start calling up .......

Depressed Kenyan (DP): "Is that The Samaritans?"
The Samaritan Hotline redirected to Calcutta (SH): "Most certainly, and how can I help you?"
DP: "Life is tooo depressing with our politicians stealing all our cash, I just can't go on.
I am thinking of killing myself. What should I do?"
SH: "I'm very sorry to hear that. However, I don't suppose you could help us out and drive a truck?"

Sshhhhh .... keep this under your hat!

Thing is *whispering* I just got an email through with the entire text of Jamie Oliver's new cookbook. Rumour has it (and don't we Kenyans just lurve a bit of a rumour *He He*), that some chap in the publishing house emailed a copy to one of his mates and some smart arse hacked into his emails and sent said text around the web !

See this ......

I shall NOT be telling you where I got this little bit of golden information from - as that will of course mean I shall have to kill you all, and that would just be far too messy and I've got a bit of a full schedule on this week, so instead I shall just make you all slightly jealous with words such as;

CHOCOLATE
TARTS
MOUSSE
SESAME SNAPS
FRAGRANT CHICKEN
SALMON FILLET
ASIAN MARMALADE
SEARED ENCRUSTED CARPACCIO
STUFFED BABY BELL CHILE PEPPERS

and even a ...

HOT AND FRAGRANT RUB - although I think you might have to actually buy the book to get the full effect of that one though!!

We have a solution .... CLOSE THE SCHOOLS

Well things are now quiet on the Secondary School front, and how was that achieved? Well, the same way they solve every education crisis round these parts – CLOSE THEM DOWN INDEFINITELY! (They love that word ‘indefinitely’ – it just means they can all have a jolly nice long holiday and will reopen if and when they ever feel like it!)

This is favourite sport over here. If we can’t control it, then just shut the doors and hope the problem just ....er, well, goes away actually!

They do it with the Universities all the time, and now its the Secondary Schools. Not surprising the level of education in this country is so low. How on earth are you supposed to learn anything when you’ve got people in charge like the good old Prof Wangeri full of useful ideas that get us nowhere?

Anyway, enough of them, because we’ve decided that actually all they need is just need a jolly good beating and then they’ll be well behaved and disciplined and all the problems that those naughty school children have will just miraculously disappear in a puff of smoke. - I’m sure that education minister thinks he’s some kind of fairy godmother and he’ll wave his wand, conveniently made of cane, and ...... *Poof* ...... everyone will get an ‘A’! .... Oooh, perhaps that’ll be a B. Oh, oh, gosh, sorry, think you’ll find that’s a C-.

I’ve been watching the international news this morning and headlines every 15 minutes is “Formula 1 boss’s ‘secret’ S&M dominatrix has a bit of an interview on Sky News.” For goodness sake, how on earth can this be “World News Headlines”?? Does anyone really give a flying fart what Max Mosely gets up to in his spare time, and the fact that his “Mistress” is terribly, terribly sorry about the whole thing and is really very upset about the fact that her video recordings of the whole event made headlines in the “News of the World”, even though she made tons of cash, and, and, ..........

So what are we thinking??? Why are we worried about closing the schools and wishing all our problems away. In the UK, it seems you don’t actually need an education, just do something incredibly stupid and you'll get paid a fortune!

All is not lost ....

Damn, they're clever these politicians ....

I stand in awe.

Parliament sat yesterday and had a jolly loud debate about what to do about our striking students. And what did they decide was the solution, (besides of course their bright idea of bringing back caning - because of course those annoying "human rights" fellows won't like that one bit!), so no, no, the smashing Minister of Education, the ever so clever "PROFESSOR" (no less) Sam Ongeri announced 'new regulations to stem the wave of unrest in our Secondary Schools' as follows .........

1. No secondary school student will henceforth be allowed to carry a mobile phone to school, and
2. Purchase of school buses with TV sets, DVD players and music systems have been banned.

Phew - glad you've sorted that out then. Don't you worry about those kids exams or the fact that you totally and utterly screwed up the KCSE results for last year. As long as none of them carries a mobile phone or listens to any music on the way to school, all of course shall be well!!

YAY, ALL HAIL THE PROF !!

Today's view

.... and according to all of our newspapers this morning, apparently if we bring back caning, then we can reverse this process :)

"Spare the rod, Spoil the child!"

The goalposts got shifted ......

In the last few days, the children in a lot of the Secondary schools in Nairobi have gone on strike.

"You What!" I hear you cry, but yes you heard it correctly - the students have gone on strike and slipped into riot mode. Windows have been smashed, classrooms vandalised and even dormitories burnt down. In one school here in town a student was killed when they got themselves trapped in the burning dormitory, and now half the schools have had to be shut down .... and all for what?

Well, the story that has come out is that their mock KCSE exams which were scheduled to start today are just too hard! (The KCSE exams are the equivalent of the GCSEs in the UK, but here in Kenya the mocks are always known for being much harder than the actual exams set by the government bodies themselves.)

I was listening to the news this morning and they were interviewing Secondary school kids who had been turned away from school and they asked them why they were striking. They came out with the exam story to start with, and when the interviewers seemed totally unimpressed as that as a reason for missing school, they then changed their tune to "Actually, the sanitation isn't up to much and our school meals are atrocious!"

Moving on and then interviewing parents about what should be done about the situation, there seemed to be one steady stream of answers and they all spelt out D I S C I P L I N E. All those adults interviewed agreed (including the presenters I might add), that 'in their day', they would never dare to do anything as wild as strike from school as the consequences would be too harsh, and these consequences would always involve a severe caning.

So there you have it, the kids go on strike, and instead of taking any notice to their actual grievances, all the adults seem to just go with "Bring back Caning", and that will solve the problem!


But hold on a second there chaps, has anyone actually listened to what they have to say.

Yes the sanitation in most of the schools is awful, the food pretty crap and the mock exams known to be utterly impossible, but hey instead of saying; "Well, in my day, that's just how it was and you should put up and be beaten for it, or just shut up", surely we should actually wake up to the fact that these things - as much as they may have been the same in our day - should surely warrant some kind of change actually!

Listening to these secondary school kids more closely, it turns out that the reason they even started all this nonsense is that they were told that as the government totally cocked up the KCSE exam results for last year, they have decided that this year they will use the mock results instead!

Considering the mocks are not standardised from school to school, are internally marked, and as I'd mentioned earlier, are much more difficult than the actual exams themselves surely seems slightly unfair to say the least, and it really isn't surprising that these students are a little bit upset! Seeing as no-one wants to listen to them, it seems they have decided that the only way to get yourselves noticed and perhaps listened to, is to do what their peers have all done in the last few months - Riot and burn!

But tell me this, is bringing back the cane really the way forward in all this??

Bring on Mrs Darwin perhaps ... ?

Not sure how many of you have been keeping up with the world news but there's this very bizarre case that came up of a man who canoed out to sea some years ago, never to be seen again, who turned up at a police station in the UK at the end of last year - for reasons known only to himself.

This is now the story of the court case surrounding the bizarre fraud incident .....

Canoe wife 'acted out emotions'



The wife, lovely lady that she is, 'stood by her man', and when he 'returned from the dead', she was overcome with emotion!!

..... BUT .... turns out she had been standing by collecting the insurance and hanging out in Panama with him all along, and the most fantastic thing about the whole story is that she is currently in court and says she's innocent !!

Er .... Right lady, that's the way to do it !!

- You see, you don't need to be a politician to lie through your teeth. You can just be a little old housewife. But my goodness, she did it so well and for 5 years, and it was only the husband who blew the whole thing out of the water it seems.

You see, that's a serious case of a missed vocation in life - she could have been a lecturer in Politics at some top Kenyan University.

Our politicians this end need someone like that to brush up on their 'downright lying' techniques! In fact, Mrs Darwin could be extremely useful as the spokesman for our Parliament right now don't you think?

Just in the last 7 days, we've had our Finance Minister dumped in the big sticky stuff and consequently shuffling to the side, swiftly followed by the Immigration Minister who has been jolly naughty issuing work permits when he was told not to, and then today it's Uhuru Kenyatta's turn of being accused of dodgy nominations when he was briefly ensconced in the Minister for Local Government posting.

Meanwhile out of the office everyone is gearing up for the 2012 succession - and why not indeed.

We are not yet 6 months into this one and it's turning out to be a complete disaster with lots of grown men bickering and throwing mud pies at each other and absolutely nothing actually being done, and I don't suppose it'll get any better in the next 4 years so "Hell Yea", let's start campaigning for 2012 and until then, the country can all go and rot!

It all seems to be about HOT potatoes ...

PARLIAMENT, INQUIRY COMMISSIONS OR COURT CASES

Please note that if you are involved in ANY of the forementioned gatherings, please make sure that under NO circumstances should you plead GUILTY, and that wherever possible you should hand the blame to the closest person to you!


I have set out some examples for you to follow for those who need clarification;


PARLIAMENT

- Someone somewhere will inevitably catch you handling vast amounts of rather dirty cash at some stage during your tenure in parliament. If you are caught with such before getting teh chance to get down to the drycleaners and give it a quick launder, then just tell everyone that you know nothing about it being illegal and (if all else fails), "BUT, the Prime Minister knew!" (- that is if you are from the ODM camp). THose from the PNU camp must replace that line with the following;
"BUT, the President knew!"
Then you shall categorically state that you would die first and then resign, and the following day you can stay home stating you have "step aside for the good of others" but - TAKE NOTE - "have NOT resigned!"


ANY COMMISSION OF INQUIRY

- Whatever questions are asked of you, and in fact even if none are asked at all, you must repeat this phrase;
"It was most definitely ALL the authority's fault!"
If of course, you happen to be from said authorites, go with the alternative;
"I knew absolutely nothing about it, but BE ASSURED I shall look into it and make sure the perpertrators are taken to book for it."
(no matter what the inquiry has been set up for by the way, the same phrases apply)


COURT CASES

- Most especially those involving colonial aristocrats being tried for murder.
Try the following sentence to completely divert everybodies mind, change the game plan, and of course get someone else to take the blame (after two years of going in and out of court);
"I couldn't possibly have done it. The only other witness to the event, who has of course stuck up for me all this time, but can I say he just hasn't been to visit enough, therefore HE obviously did it !!"



Right, so, we all sorted then chaps??
Whatever happens do not DROP the potato, just pass it on as quickly as possible!!

I've been UUd ...... apparently

Now it seems I have been tagged with a UU - not quite sure what a UU is but it's probably not dissimilar to being hit with a YoYo, as it seems just as painful!

Anyway this is how it goes; the UU must list the three things their husband (or wife) (or significant other!) (could be a pet, in lieu of all of the above.) (no pet? got a plant?) (if you have none of the above, you should go get one.) knows about them. The rules of this UU are that at the end of the post, the player then tags a randomly chosen number of people and posts their blog names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know that they have been tagged. The comment must end with the word 'pthththth'.

Weeeelllllll, am I bovvered??
Well, yes actually, totally, I must say.
For a start my significant others are all dogs who, when asked, what they knew about me seemed to have nothing more interesting to say than the odd snuffle, grunt and the odd fart!

I suppose that pretty much sums up my life, but really I thought I could at least get a little more sense out of them. Failing that, and all my pot plants who are totally UNinterested (to say the least), I thought I'd ask my son. I mean he's had to live with me and my madness for the total 8 years of his life and if anyone knows me (because I can assure you that my ex-husband certainly didn't), it'll be that small boy.

So what did he have to say??


1. I love my horses
2. I love our dogs
3. I like to kiss him and am happy when he does chores, like washing the car or doing the washing up!!

I'm quite perturbed by number 3, as I never realised how miserable I must be!! The amount of times my son has helped with cleaning of the car OR doing the washing up I could most probably count on the one hand. Surely that means that I could count the number of happy times in the last 8 years of my life also on one hand!!

Nah, that's not true - I really am quite a jolly character most of the time - except of course when I'm not, and the little chap's right - I'd be bloody ecstatic if he did decide to wash the car or do the washing up!

And now, everyone look right, and if you see your name on my list of "FAB blogs", you can consider yourselves officially UU'd, so pthththth to you all .........

(PS. All complaints to be addressed to Belle at 'Diary of a Housewife' - as she got us ALL into this. :) )

Oooooooh .........

Yesterday our Finance Minister, the dear and honourable Amos Kimunya (who I understand is - funnily enough - Kibaki's nephew!) told the press "He would rather die than resign his post"




Today news just in HOT off the wire .......

'FINANCE MINISTER Kimunya "steps aside" after consultations with Kibaki to allow for investigations on Grand Regency sale;'

read more here

Don't suppose he's feeling quite so well this morning then !!

Federer should take a leaf .....

Perhaps Roger Federer should take a leaf out of the bestseller;

"HOW TO GUARANTEE YOURSELF A WIN" by Uncle BOB !

Perhaps I should get out more ….

As you may have gathered, I do rather like a bit of a chat, and do find it extremely difficult to keep my mouth on hold. It seems that even when I have no-one to talk to, I never let it slow me down!

Yesterday I went to do my weekly shopping and instead of sticking to the usual supermarket that I always go to and where I know exactly where everything is situated, my son wanted to try out some new play centre that’s been put in at another shopping centre from our usual, so I was left with my customary weekly list as long as your arm, braving aisles that I hadn’t a clue what was down them.

Well, I don’t know about you lot, but surely I’m NOT the only one who likes a spot of conversation with the stock in the aisles? But can I tell you, I got some very strange looks wherever I went.

Perhaps it was because I was so disorientated as to where everything was in the shop that I chatted more that usual to the inanimate objects on the shelves. I mean how else are you supposed to find the disinfectant if you can’t ask the bleach???? In my concerted opinion of shelf-stacking (which I know absolutely nothing about!), surely the bleach should hang out somewhere near the disinfectant as I would have said they were related. Turns out in this store, the bleach hangs out with the kitchen roll and the disinfectant is opposite the fabric softener – now please people get a grip, how does that make any logical sense.

I think I’ll start a supermarket “arrange your aisles logically” course. I will of course make a damn fortune, but I’ll give you all a heads up on my ideas, and before I get marketing and make myself a millionaire and ditch you lot, first of all I shall take full advantage.

Now, what do you think of this;

Milk, (and other such milky things including butter and yoghurt), onto eggs, then bread, jams and honey (so breakfast is over with), then moving swiftly onto veg, meats, followed by tinned stuff. Oops forgot cereals. They better hang back in the egg aisle. Moving on… where was I? … ah yes, canned goodies, then accompaniments such as sauces, etc. then we can have biscuits & snacks followed by pasta, sugar, flour, rice, and baking sort of stuff. Keeping smelly stuff away from foodstuffs is always good (not like in the supermarket I went into yesterday where bleach is actually on the corner with rice on the other side. Mmmmm!) So we should move onto tissues, toilet rolls, kitchen towels, cloths, etc. then we can have cleaning stuff (INCLUDING disinfectant), and at the end is the toiletries and hair pieces – we always have a full aisle of hair pieces in all our supermarkets!!

TA DA ….

So what do you think?

I was even thinking that I could move upstairs to have the wheelbarrows next to the welly boots (which seems bloody sensible to me, because yesterday I found them after the toy section and opposite all the fitness equipment!) AND, AND, I would even suggest labeling the shelves with the various sizes available so that I didn’t have to strike up a separate conversation with every shelf of the welly boot aisle asking them what size they may be, as the only place you can find out this information is picking up the blighters and checking on the sole. (As you can imagine, it can get quite tedious when the size 6’s are parked next to the size 11’s – especially when you’re looking for size8!)

Anyway after all that stress of the supermarket, and the people in it who kept leaping out of my path as if I had some contagious disease, the highlight of my day was a brilliant slanging match with all the chaps on my TV set yesterday during the most awesome Wimbledon final in history.

Mind you, I admit, I was home alone, and the dogs are used to me screaming at inanimate objects, so they didn’t even twitch a whisker between them.

However, I’d like to put a challenge out there to everyone who watched that final last night between Nadal and Federer that absolutely every single one of you spoke to your TV set more than once – even if it was only to go “AAAHHHHH” or “OOOOOOOOHHHHHH” at the amazing shots played and not to slag off the commentators or shout at Federer to get his finger out!

You see, I am not so mad after all. You’re all at it – chatting away to inert objects.

So why am I the only one who gets the strange reactions when I strike up a bit of banter with the things on the shelves in the supermarket??

It must be the weather

You know over here in these parts, winter has truly set in with temperatures dropping to 11 degrees in the morning (Shocking isn’t it I know), and actually I am sure that one of these mornings I shall awake to snow falling on my roof.

I'm sure all of you out there in the West are shouting at your screens just now, going; "Christ Alive, these people have NO idea of the meaning of the world 'cold'!", but hey, It’s the same every year here. We always complain of the cold at this time of year, and that we can’t believe how shocking it is, BUT then it’s the same again next year, and funnily enough the year after as well!! That’s the thing about weather I suppose – it never seems to be ‘just right’!! (although I must say I definitely hear less complaints when it’s nice and warm.)

Anyway, this cold seems to be freezing the brains of our politicians not only in Southern States such as Zimbabwe where Uncle Bob is still skipping about whistling a care free tune, although it seems he has slightly changed tack, i.e. He’s ready to talk to the opposition about some form of coalition government, (after last week telling them all to “Go Hang”).

I’m sure however this is only because he’s seen how it works here, Kibaki is still the President, he has his own chosen sidekick at number 2, and Raila is relegated to third in line, which seems to mean that no matter how much he jumps up and down and makes noise only Kibaki’s decisions count in the end.

So down in Zim, its business “as Unusual as always”, and here in Kenya it’s pretty much the same.

Our dear Minister for Finance, the Honorable Amos Kimunya has got himself into a spot of bother with the whole Grand Regency Hotel deal. Apparently the hotel was sold last week to Libyans for 2.8Billion, and then …..Oh, no, apparently that wasn’t QUITE right and it was sold to some Kenyan registered company (known as Arab African Investment) for rather a lot less, namely 1.85Billion.

Mmmmmmm ………

Meanwhile back in Parliament, a motion of ‘no confidence’ was carried last night on Kimunya ( – I really am not sure that releasing his “Transparency” report on procurement and disposals procedures was such a good idea at the beginning of the week when his very own procedures outline the fact that in matters such as the disposal of an asset such as The Grand Regency Hotel, he had stated that more than one valuation must be done,

(and he, er …., seem to have, er …. Forgot?)

…. and today news is just in says that the Kibaki has called off the cabinet meeting scheduled or this morning, "with no reason given", that had promised to clarify EXACTLY what in the hell happened with this whole deal of the Grand Regency, so nothing's changed here either.

Looks like our Mr. Kimunya might just have the right qualifications for a hot position in Mugabe’s government, so I shouldn’t think he need worry too much !!

La, La, La, La, La, .......

Well, here we have it then.

Uncle Bob votes ...

he wins ...

he’s sworn in ...

and then he toddles off to the AU summit and everything is just fine and dandy!

La, la, la, la, la ……

Zimbabwe ...... er, votes ??

Well, Zimbabwe went to the polls yet again today to vote for their, er, "candidate of choice", in the Presidential run off.

The competition was fierce, Mugabe was quietly confident and expressed hope for a clear majority. The voters rushed to the polling stations, (mostly with men in uniform carrying guns chasing them, which meant rushing was definitely in order), and those that tried their best NOT to go to the polls were persuaded otherwise with rather large rungus and machetes!

So there we have it, Mugabe's idea of a smooth run off, in which he is the ONLY candidate and chances are rather high (apparently), that he shall be declared the outright winner before the weekend is over ..........

AND THAT PEOPLE, IS WHAT IS KNOWN AS "DEMOCRACY" IN ZIMBABWE.

Perhaps this cartoon from the paper and this joke I was sent through the email sums it up better than I can .......

"Mugabe dies and goes to heaven.
When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list
and he does not belong in heaven. Mugabe must go to hell.

So Mugabe goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty
welcome and tells him to make himself at home.

Then Mugabe notices that he left his luggage in heaven
and tells Satan, who says 'No problem,
I'll send a couple of little devils to get your stuff.'


When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked
St.Peter is having lunch - and they start debating what to do.
Finally one comes up with the idea that they should go over the wall
and get the luggage.


As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them,
and one angel says to the other,
'My Lord, look at that! Mugabe has been in hell no
more than ten minutes and we're already getting refugees!'"

A topic for discussion perhaps – or just insults ??

WARNING: Brace yourselves people, this post is likely to create a small storm .....


My cyber friend ‘Reluctant Memsahib’ wrote a post the other day with regards to the anonymity (or NOT), of being a ‘blogger’.

It seems a friend of hers was concerned that she was not as anonymous as perhaps she should be because of the abuse that I’ve been receiving over here about being white, and therefore ‘obviously racist, elitist, Euro trash,'…and the rest ?


Anyway, back to the point, I, like many other bloggers out there I’m sure, started out on the ‘anonymous’ route – I even gave an interview on CNN and another on BBC Radio 4 all under the moniker ‘Mzungu Chick’ and ‘The Lost White Kenyan’, back in January. Then I met a fellow who challenged my anonymity and persuaded me to creep out of said closet, and what I realized was he, and others I have since met through this common link, are incredibly interesting, diverse characters that I would probably never have had a chance to meet in ‘my other life’, and so for that I am grateful.

Since then a couple of very close friends and a couple of my family have also been let into the shenanigans that I get up to in cyberspace. And the Reluctant Memsahib is right, you do need to think of these people and their feelings and identities before and as you write;


“The thing is: it’s not what other people think about me that I mind. (I stopped caring about that sometime in 2001, when most of the people I knew had a view on an action I had taken and most felt at liberty to vocalize their disappointment and disgust vociferously). No. I don’t care what anybody thinks of me. But I’d hate anything I said about the lives of any of those I love most in the world to impinge upon them. I can spill my own secrets, that’s my prerogative and I’m big enough to cope with the fallout. But not theirs. Never theirs. Because then they won’t be secret anymore. They won’t be secret enough.”

I also would never want to do or say anything that would hurt those I have let into my little secret, or our relationships. Since getting all those nasty comments on free flow, I’ve even felt guilty for the links to fellow bloggers sites that I have on my side bar – lest they have these anonymous idiots divert their way and start their nonsense somewhere else on one of those innocent sites that I just linked to because I thought they were fab.



But then, I had an idea (not dissimilar to Janelle it seems); “a cheerful two fingers up to stuffy conformity” is most definitely the way to go. This blog is just my thoughts and feelings, it is not the way anyone else needs to see the world, but the last time I looked, it was not against the law to say what you think, and basically we are all very different and between us ALL, the world goes round.

I am not advocating that we should all write hate messages because that is how we feel about the world, but I’m not sure that all those comments were thrown at me because of what I had to say, but because of the fact that I have given more information than they wanted, in other words, I have said I am ‘white’ – god forbid, and that, naturally, makes me an elitist racist. If I said I was a shade of brown from the Middle East – would that have made me an Arab extremist? And if perhaps I’d have said I was black from Illinois – would that make me an Obama supporter??



The only reason I ever called my blog ‘The Lost White Kenyan Chick’ is because that was exactly how I felt at the time. Lost because I am a single white girl from an African country (who has roots in no other place in this world), living in a black Kenyan male dominated society (- although please peeps, before you blast me here – this is changing as we speak I do agree, but it is still the majority – have a look at those seats in Parliament right now), and I that is exactly how I felt – LOST; where do I fit in to the bigger picture?

The fact that this name has caused so much controversy was totally unintentional, although I’m not really sure that I should be apologizing for it.

I am WHITE, KENYAN, A CHICK and totally LOST in life, and if you don’t like it, I’m really, really sorry but, *said in my most polite voice*,

“Bugger OFF!”

I shall do an ‘Uncle Bob’ on you and skip into the distance care free;

“La, la, la, la, la” ……

.... And from Here !

This is yesterday's cartoon from The Standard;



The caption reads; "See, He's scared I'm going to beat him in a free and fair fight!", and it was pointed out to me by one of my commentators (- you see, I DO get nice ones as well!)

I hear that Tsvangirai has officially given a letter into the electoral commission resigning from Friday's run-off, but not to worry, as Uncle Bob hasn't missed a beat and is campaigning full on for his one horse race!

What Zim looks like from here ...

How I see it is that it is absolutely no surprise that Morgan Tsvangirai has pulled out of the Zimbabwe run off election that is scheduled for the end of the week, because surely with Mugabe openly saying he'll never let him win, torturing any opposition supporters he can get his hands on and meanwhile locking up the MDC leader at every given opportunity he can, the fellow is bollixed if he participates in the run off and .. well, frankly, bollixed if he doesn't, so what to do?

I understand he is currently holed up in the Dutch Embassy, and meanwhile All Africa news reports that the Justice Minister in Zim's response is as follows;


The Justice Minister described Tsvangirai's decision as a nullity saying: "This is the 11th time that Tsvangirai has threatened to withdraw from the presidential run off and on each occasion I have challenged him to put it in writing as required by law."

He told The Herald newspaper that "Zanu PF is not treating the threats seriously."

"It is a nullity. We are proceeding with our campaign to romp to victory on Friday," Chinamasa said.


It sounds a bit like a scrap behind the bike sheds to me!

Gado, the Kenyan cartoonist, summed it up perfectly months ago with this cartoon:


Robert Mugabe couldn't honestly give a flying fart what anyone thinks. For some obscure reason, the world seems to be leaning on Thabo Mbeki to get the fellow to see some sense, but let's get real here people, Mbeki is not the man for this job. He'll never rock the boat with the neighbours no matter how much pressure he's put under - rumour has it our end that the two are somehow related for goodness sake.

So really it's "Na, Na, Na, Na, Na" for the whole lot of them. Mugabe will win and will stop at absolutely nothing to do so.

Kenyan humour ....

This short clip illustrates what a fabulous sense of humour the MAJORITY of Kenyans have and what sadly those minority 'Anonymous' types seem to be lacking.

For the rest of you, enjoy ........... this is brilliant!

surprised?

This just came through on 411;

"ANTI-GRAFT COURT summons Embakasi MP-elect Waititu"

..... And are we surprised?

I think Mama Taa is on his case already!

Kenya's by-election results

Good Morning Viewers ......

Sorry to disappoint you but I am still here and still have lots to say!!

As you may (or may not) know, we had some few by-elections yesterday of which the results are being released as we speak.

Sadly, because of the demise of two prominent members of parliament being killed in the tragic accident on Tuesday afternoon, it seems that, unsurprisingly, voters were kind of dejected, and voter turn out was quiet and numbers reported low.

Anyway today it seems in great Kenyan traditional electioneering spirit, things are livening up especially in the Kilgoris constituency - which is not entirely unexpected, that's for sure. It was always a tribal contest from the beginning with the most prominent two contestants advocating that the other would throw their fellow tribesmen off the land there.

We have one candidate from the Maasai tribe and one from the Kipsigis and both have been telling anyone who will listen that whatever happens - if you are a Maasai, you must stick with the Maasai, and the Kipsigis the same which actually is the reason why we never had any results that stuck the first time round, because with this kind of hate campaigning going on, whoever loses is very obviously going to have his fellow tribesman protest.

The latest I have on the Nation's (Kenyan daily by the way) update site was that Konchellah has won the seat and followed five minutes later by;
FRESH SKIRMISHED IN KILGORIS AS 14 HOUSES AND A CAR ARE SET ABLAZE. TENSION REPORTED IN MANY PARTS OF THE CONSTITUENCY.

And there we have it, those pyromaniacs are back on the case, and already things are looking bad. We have to hope that the huge numbers of police that had deployed to the area get a grip very quickly on the situation and that these skirmishes will be plugged soonest.

Meanwhile the Wajir North seat has been won by ODM, (although over half way through results showed the KANU candidate leading), Ainamoi is also ODM with Langat clinching the seat, Emuhaya has been won by Otichillo, and now Waititu of PNU has just been reported to have won Embakasi from Esther Passaris of ODM (- so that's the Embakasi street lighting project out the window then!)

I'm sure this will NOT be the last of it, as we all know Samuel Kivuitu of the Electoral Commission of Kenya (ECK) is such a reliable kind of a fellow, I can't see anyone actually agreeing to these results if he has anything to do with it! Seeing as there are already reports in all of today's Dailies with regards to nonsense at the polls, chances are things may heat up a little yet.

Meanwhile here in town it's ..... BUDGET DAY


(Not sure of the definition of the Kenyan economy but currently it looks slightly fictional I feel!)

I'll keep you posted as and when I hear of anything ....

Commentators ...

On this blog, it seems comments go something like this ......





And I do think we are ALL entitled to do this ............BUT: Please note that your browser is NOT automatically directed to this site and has no need to visit here at all if you don't like it, it's really not compulsory to come here.

Breaking news tells death of Roads Minister Kipkalya Kones

Kenyan minister, asst minister dead in plane crash

10 Jun 2008 16:03:39 GMT

Source: Reuters

By C. Bryson Hull and Wangui Kanina NAIROBI, June 10 (Reuters) -

A Kenyan cabinet minister and assistant minister died on Tuesday along with two others in the crash of a light plane near the Masai Mara game reserve, officials said.

Roads Minister Kipkalya Kones, 56, and Assistant Minister for Home Affairs Lorna Laboso, 47, were aboard the plane with a pilot and a security guard, a spokesman for their party said. "I am confirming that they were on the plane that crashed. I am not confirming that they are dead, but the police are confirming that all aboard died," Orange Democratic Movement party spokesman Salim Lone said. Narok District police boss Patrick Wambani said all four people in the plane died.

There was no immediate confirmation for the cause of the crash in a remote area called Kojonga. "The plane came down on an unoccupied house and disintegrated, killing all four occupants," Wambani told Reuters in Narok, 120 km (75 miles) west of the capital Nairobi. In Nairobi, police spokesman Eric Kiraithe said the names of Kones and Laboso were on the flight manifest.

Both politicians were members of the Orange Democratic Movement (ODM) party, which had opposed President Mwai Kibaki and advocated public protests after he won a disputed re-election in December. The vote sparked Kenya's worst violence since independence from Britain in 1963, and deal to end the political impasse brought ODM into a coalition government with Kibaki's Party of National Unity alliance.

Kones is a five-term member of parliament and was first elected in 1988, after a career as a teacher and manager at a produce firm. He has held several other ministries throughout his public career.

Laboso is a first-term legislator, who has campaigned against the cultural practice of female genital mutilation in her Kipsigis tribe. After a career as a secretary and accountant, she got her university degree in communications last year.

(Reporting by Wangui Kanina, Helen Nyambura and Bryson Hull; Editing by Jon Boyle)

This has all just been confirmed through our local news stations;
"Kones, Labosa, pilot Schner and bodyguard Kenneth Bett are all confirmed dead."

Obama Rocks !

This is the cartoon by GADO in The Daily Nation today ............

Over here it's all about Barry.

Well in our neck of the woods, politics has been diverted temporarily to front page stories all over about Barry, the Luo fellow from Siaya district who happens to be running for a seriously high powered presidential seat, although not here in Kenya I might add.

To those hailing from Western Province, there's absolutely NO explanation needed here as to who on earth I may be talking about, but for those of you from further afield who may be slightly lost, I am speaking of none other than Senator Barrack Obama.

To a lot of Kenyans (especially those from the lakeside), Senator Obama is nothing less than 100% Kenyan. His father came from here so that'll do it for us. The fact that the Senator has only actually visited this country three times in his entire lifetime is totally irrelevant, and the point that he hardly knew his father who is reported to have been a drunk and abusive husband is somehow totally overlooked.

I think this quote from Rob Crilly in "The Times" really sums up this Obama fever here in Kenya and what it's really all about ...... (a spot of cash and a free US visa);

"A steady stream of would-be economic migrants has been arriving at Granny Sarah's door seeking an American visa. Almost every day she has to explain that the U.S. embassy in Nairobi is the only place that can make their American dream come true. But even Granny Sarah admits to harbouring secret hopes of a local windfall if Obama's momentum carries him all the way to America's highest office. "What we hope is that with his Kenyan and Africa roots we will see some of the fruits of his power, like electricity, water and a new road," she says simply in her native Luo language."

At least she got herself an autographed picture...

By the way,"Granny Sarah" is actually Obama's step-grandmother and his grandfather's third wife. And the fact that she lives in a little house in a very small village looking after chickens and goats, has no running water or electricity, and it was her fellow villagers who raised money to get her a TV with a small solar panel so that she could keep up with US politics is of course of no matter now that young Barry's got a shot at the most powerful position in the world!

Hey, perhaps he'll chuck some extra aid money our way as payment for bringing up his father. I'm sure our local politicians could do with a bit more cash to squander on their expense accounts.

Long lost weekend for me ….

Well we have just done with a loooong weekend, and now we head into a 4 day week.
“Absolutely fabulous”, I hear you cry.

We woke up to these cheeky blighters in our garden ...

Then off my son and I went to the Nairobi park with a bit of a packed lunch on board, and went and saw these …

and lots of these ….

And a few of these ….

The rest of the weekend was spent hanging out with these ….

And having a few games of this ….

Sadly right now, my life feels a bit like this ….

And so although it really was an excellent weekend (and I have the bruises to prove it), finding anything half full right now is becoming increasingly difficult, and yet as you can see from my photos, I have absolutely NO excuse at all to feel this way.

I do hope that I will wake tomorrow to a better frame of mind.

Wish me luck ...

Is this Kenya's definition of 'coalition'?

In the dictionary, the word is listed as follows;

co·a·li·tion (k-lshn)

n.

1. An alliance, especially a temporary one, of people, factions, parties, or nations.

2. A combination into one body; a union.

I'm sorry, but I think our Mr Orengo missed that memo.
He has just been quoted on KTN evening news talking about those people who were arrested during the skirmishes after the elections at the beginning of the year;

"If those people who STOLE the election from us are walking free, then all those who reacted to the theft of this election with violence should also be set free."

And they call this government a 'union' ???

Gentlemen, PLEASE get a grip ....

The world around us maybe falling apart. Natural disasters are claiming lives all over the show, and if its not natural it'll be some fellow in a flack jacket with a nasty looking weapon taking people out. In fact, all in all, this world is becoming an incredibly depressing place, and to tell you the honest truth - I have often wondered why I bother getting up in a morning, but stupidly I do, every morning, with my 'glass half full' attitude, wince at all the news stories, pray for a better tomorrow, and then this comes through on the BreakingNews.ie site .....

"YOUNG MEN PREFER IRONING TO CAR MAINTENANCE"

I mean Versace may have had it right here - but that's not the real world ....

Read this if you dare .....

Young men are more comfortable ironing their laundry than getting under a car bonnet, according to new research published today.

A study into the changing lifestyles of young males found that while over 62% of men aged 18 to 29 were comfortable at the ironing board, just one in 10 was able to maintain a car.

Three quarters of young men surveyed said they regularly donned an apron in the kitchen, and 85% were comfortable crying in front of other people.

James Brown, founding editor of men’s magazine Loaded, said the survey showed that men had fallen prey to "gender surrender".

He said: “A bloke’s masculinity used to come effortlessly and his place in the world was clear cut. Nowadays, women are confident and men are confused.

“As men have been reacting to being told how they should behave rather than how they really are, they’ve crossed the line from just changing with the times to committing outright gender surrender.”

No, No, No, No, No ... this cannot be, all the people in the neighbourhood hear me cry. What if I have a bit of a crisis - you know those ones, light bulb needs changing, fuse has blown, tap's dripping, car doesn't start ..... Surely, I need to 'get a man in'!

Of course the truth is that although we ladies do go for the 'get a man in' every time.. Turns out that usually you'll end up doing it yourself as you don't have the patience to wait for him to change his shirt (to the one for doing the odd jobs about the house that of course he can't seem to find), get himself a cold beer from the fridge (he's got to keep refreshed you know), search high and low for the inevitably needed 'tool box', (although of course the screwdrivers are kept in the kitchen drawer and the tool box is basically obsolete and full of unusable junk), call his mates on the phone to let them know he'll be late for the footie match as 'he's doing some few jobs about the house for her indoors" (so he can get a bit of sympathy when he does get down the pub all 15 seconds later than he had originally scheduled), etc.

... but actually that is NOT the point.

Surely ladies, we want our men to be men (and although a spot of washing up and even the odd ironed shirt wouldn't be a bad idea - although I'm not sure I can say I'm entirely comfortable with the thought of a bloke with a hot box in one hand and a slither of silk with creases in it in the other - unless of course he is 'Versace babe'!), I'd really rather men could at least pretend to be able to start the car (whacking with a hammer at least shows willing don't you think?), and taking things apart with a screwdriver again shows a bit of enthusiasm for fixing stuff (even though you'll more than likely have to take it down to the shops on Monday and find yourself a 'proper' repair shop)
- I really believe it's the thought that counts .....

Don't surrender chaps. Wipe away those tears, put the iron down, leave the dirty washing where you took it off (including the apron), stay well away from the kitchen, and get a blasting from the Missus for being a slob.

Otherwise it won't matter any more how crap the world is around us, and whether we should even think about getting out of bed in the morning, because without doubt men will become obsolete and women will have no-one to bitch about at their coffee mornings, or over the email, or over the 3 times per day phone calls that are essential to our lives, and life just won't be worth living.

Perhaps this is the the day of judgement after all - but not as predicted I feel although looking at the daily natural disasters it may seem the end is nigh- but filling the world with men in aprons will definitely mean women giving up the will to live .....


Footnote for my more discerning politically correct readers - I'm so sorry to have perhaps offended the more sensitive ones of you that believe it should be 'equal rights for all' and gender doesn't count, but, being a woman, I have to disagree with this - at my own discretion of course. (If I wish to be paid loads of cash (equal to a man in the same position), I shall of course complain bitterly and say that I should be treated equally, but god save the poor bloke who dares to charge through the door ahead of me and not bother to hold it open for anyone who may be behind ....)

Will someone please get the German authorities a sense of humour!!

Saw these headlines come through on CNN last night – “Parents try to sell baby on eBay”, and my immediate reaction was;

“Brilliant, What a FAB idea!”

Apparently the baby was 7 months old and labelled as ‘Nearly New’. I laughed so hard. The Germans however did NOT. They immediately sent the mother for psychiatric help and took the baby into care!!

I mean, Yes, I do believe it takes a special kind of person to actually go ahead and advertise their baby for sale on eBay, and for just one Euro do you mind, but please tell me of one parent in this world who at some time or another in their child’s life – even if it was just for a split second – didn’t think that they may actually even pay someone to take them away, and to gain one whole Euro in exchange would be a bargain actually!!

Personally I would have added in a line;
"Toys included".

Like I said it probably takes a slightly warped person to really carry it off, but the parents did try to explain that it was done as a joke and they really would never have gone ahead with it. But Oh No, the German authorities would have none of it.

Don’t tell me that people who do deal in any form of child trade – which I will be the first to condemn wholeheartedly let me tell you – would ever in a million years genuinely traffic children by advertising on eBay for goodness sake.

Now this is headlines on every news channel, and all I can say is I hope eBay is making some great marketing sales out of this. My first retort as 'Marketing Director' for them would be to put out a great ad amplifying the fact that you would be bloody amazed what you can buy on eBay these days!!

You're probably all jumping up and down at your computers by now going "Oh My God, what type of woman is this Mzungu Chick", but perhaps you might look at the fact that ALL parents in the entire world probably need a little psychiatric help from time to time when it's all going pear shaped at their house, and yes, more than likely they'll never dare say it OUT LOUD, because of course to all of us, our own children are the most perfect little darlings that ever walked this earth, and we'll all be the first to tell you such. But once in a while, the thought of jumping off the fridge freezer to get away from the noise, the guilt and the continuous heartache known as 'parenthood' doesn't seem like such a crazy idea.

At least this has taught me one small lesson in life;

For Goodness Sake, whatever you're thinking, don't let those thoughts escape out of your head!

Personally I think we should all get a grip, and SMILE ! :)