It went something like this;
“You See, You See, You Sssseeeeee!”
Actually I didn’t see it at all, and it took me three times of watching the news byte to get what he was on about which was evidently all about being “One Kenya, One People”. Nice thought Mr Kibaki, I like it a lot, but I’m afraid I still don’t quite see it.
Down in
MUGABE : “Listen Tabs, stick with me and once we’re through this small hiccup and they’ve all calmed down about the beatings and starvation, I’ll change the law so that I’m President for life and then we’ll put South Africa and Zimbabwe together, kick out all your white farmers and take over the world!”
THABO MBEKI : “Mmmm, yeah, good one Bob. I mean what the hell does the rest of the world know anyway. They think HIV causes AIDS and everything. Come on now. All those Western fellows thinking they have the upper hand on us Africans eh. We’ll show them!”
But meanwhile across in the
- or not - as the case may be.
Lynchings in Congo as penis theft panic hits capital
Police in Congo have arrested 13 suspected sorcerers accused of using black magic to steal or shrink men's penises after a wave of panic and attempted lynchings triggered by the alleged witchcraft. Rumours of penis theft began circulating last week in Well surely now, all you blokes out there should be panicking for those sorcerers are known for flying about and the Clearly you ought to be scouring the matatus and Citi Hoppers for all those wearing gold rings. I mean you don’t want some sorcerer nipping off with your willy now when you’re not looking. For goodness sake, Mugabe may be a dictator, Mbeki a complete wimp, and all the Kenyan leaders collectively a bunch of money grabbers who can’t sort out the IDP mess, but what does any of that matter when here right under our very noses we have much more crucial problems. All the women are laughing shamelessly at all the men, and undoubtedly all the men's main source of concern right now is; - “Where have all the willys gone” ….. Ooooh I feel a song coming on !
'Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress..
But I repeat myself.'
--Mark Twain
This is the state of our politics today, those who didn’t make the cabinet are still all arguing about who DIDN’T get which job, and those that did get a job in the cabinet are putting out warnings to the “graft watchdog” on all contracts that have been awarded in their ‘new’ departments in the previous five years that didn’t directly involve any members of their immediate family.
All Military officers have been given a 20% reduction in their meager salaries in order to help out the IDP’s whereas all the MP’s sit pretty with their hefty pay packets, which is totally and utterly outrageous.
The only serious issue that seems to be coming out of headline news is that The Prime Minister will not be getting his 30 Million Shillings Mercedes this month as the government is “Lacking funds”!!
- OH THE SHAME ………
Saying that, it turns out I too have been humiliated, not by an entire country however that won’t buy me a new car, but by cyberspace itself.
I have just received this message through my email:-
Hi Mzunguchick !
You know that you have a "bimbo"?
Its important to take care of it! She dead now! But you can save her again!
Thank Christ she is – now get her to learn the English language before she dare live again; anyone saying “She dead now” deserves to die quite frankly!
Here in
“See over there *point with chin*;
It’s that ka-guy, sindio?”
“Wewe, Pleeeease, I’m rushing, just pick it, halafu come.”
You see so what’s with the ‘She Dead Now’???
Then I’ve got some message from Facebook telling me that my “hatchlings are unhappy” because apparently I haven’t been feeding the little blighters!
So there you go, what kind of a mother am I killing off Bimbo’s and hatchlings I hear you cry, but no matter, I caught up with some blog reading (as you do when you should be working), and I’ve found the book for me, so all’s well.
It’s a picture book aimed at 4 to 8 year olds entitled “My Beautiful Mommy” that’s all about plastic surgery and “aims to explain why mom (argh!) is getting a flatter tummy and a ‘prettier’ nose – note the American spelling there because surely there is NO other country in the entire world who could come out with such a book and …. Shockingly … actually sell copies.
The fact of course that I already exist as “Beautiful Mummy” to my one and only 8 year old son with attitude is neither here nor there – did I ever tell you about his poor eyesight?? Only kidding, his eyes are perfect I’ll have you know, he can make out every detail on the Disney’s channel's “Brandy and Mr. Whiskers.”
Actually I got told off on Sunday by my son’s 8 year old best friend who told me that I should only allow him to watch TV for an hour in an evening when there was no school the next day, so that meant only twice a week on Friday and Saturday evening – because that’s all he’s allowed! The fact that he comes round to our house most days after school and switches our TV on is probably totally irrelevant in his world!
So there you go, even dissed as a bad mother by the neighbours 8 year old – things aren’t good.
But it’s ok, I have figured out the solution to 8 year old attitude …..
it’s called the threat of boarding school and works a treat let me tell you
– highly recommended.
I’m sure some child psychologists would view this as child cruelty but seriously I will carry this out if my orders are not obeyed to the letter let me tell you.
I too shall one day become Prime Minister and shall be known as;
“SHE WHO MUST BE OBEYED”
from the “DEPARTMENT OF HOME AFFAIRS”,
and take note, I shall be ordering my Mercedes now before any of you smart Alec’s get any more ideas about not affording another one.
The police haven’t had a pay cut yet – what’s wrong with you ????. …..
Politics in Kenya is increasingly depressing, but looking at the international news, I'm not entirely convinced that half the world is any better.
All that aside, here's a brief run down of where I see we're at right now.
You will be pleased to know that we are not currently under ‘Mungiki’ law in
The saddest thing is in our country today is that we just brush it under the carpet, pay them off for now and hope they keep quiet for a while so that the government can get on with its inherent task of raping the country.
Kofi Annan is about at the moment and even he knows the score.
He has suggested that the ‘negotiation team’ has far from completed their task. Although they have finally named a cabinet, there are still the major issues of why this country blew up in the first place and how are they going to sort out those land issues and poverty issues, now all conveniently put on the back burner whilst everyone rushes round insisting on being addressed as “Mweshimiwa”!
Talk is that Raila wants everything out in the open for all to see what’s happening and how decisions for the country will be made, but then why is it that;
a) Raila has never explained what actually went on with his secret cabinet negotiations rendezvous, and how did he give in to the highly inflated numbers in the cabinet?
b) Thursday he said he would talk to the Mungiki so that they called off Friday’s ‘general strike’ that they were trying to hold, and yet since Thursday not a peep about it as if the trouble last week never existed.
I’m sorry but I know the favourite saying at the moment is “It’s not business as usual”, but seriously chaps, tell me what isn’t business as usual with the same old hidden scams going on left, right and centre and the press quiet about it all.
I’m not sure that anyone is willing to listen to Kofi Annan anymore as it seems that as far as those big boys are concerned, yes, they’re very grateful thank you for bringing us away from the brink of all out civil war, but as for all our inherent problems that got us there in the first place, well let them simmer for a few years and when we have another general election in 2012 the country can go through this whole nightmare once again because all those current “Mweshimiwa’s” will have voted themselves for a stonking retirement package, raped the country for as much as they can possibly get away with, achieved nothing with regards to the great poverty divide and any serious land issues, and then they’ll all leg it and leave it to a new bunch of ‘wanna be’s’ to fight it out.
Meanwhile food prices soar and shortages loom worldwide, and with our recent violence and displacement of farmers, these are more threatening to
“But Hey Mr. Kiraithe, Pray do tell,
If it was your brother living in Muranga town innocently running a little shop making a few thousand shillings a day, who was then told “Open your shop today and the consequences are a ten thousand shilling fine (which he could not possibly afford), or being beheaded, would you be still telling him to get his arse downtown and open those doors?”
The government somehow does not seem overly concerned about the whole affair. I'm not quite sure if it's because they're still smarting over who missed out on being in the incredibly inflated cabinet that we can ill afford, or if its that they're too busy getting in their wish list on which car, house, office desk, etc they would like to have purchased for them now that they are all so incredibly important! But whichever it is, they do not seem excessively bothered by how many Kenyans have been burnt alive or executed, and how much more property has been destroyed just in the last few days.
I was talking to someone in the morning who lives in Dandora. Now personally I would have said that Dandora was really one of the better areas of
Now it seems that if you live in Dandora, first of all, you’ll be lucky if you can find transport at all, as all the matatus (or mini buses) that run around the area into and out of town have been warned off the roads, and those that are operating are charging over 150/- (over US$2) per trip, which when most wanainchi make not much over that in a day is not exactly conducive to bother going to work at all. Then she tells me that all the ladies in the area have been given leaflets telling them what to wear.
It must be a skirt and the length must reach below the knee.
Penalty for not following the dress code is a humiliating stripping and public beating.
Last night, SMS’s were sent round all over saying that you must leave the city centre by 7.30pm or you shall be killed. Then this morning new SMS’s stated that all those who work in the Industrial Area should not go into work.
It’s all just fear mongering but hey how much is your life worth, and is it worth ignoring these warnings because by doing so ‘Eric Kiraithe’ says you’re doing the right thing ??
The public demands from the Mungiki are that they are mourning the death of the wife of their leader (who is currently inside being entertained at the country’s expense), who was shot last week together with her driver, and they believe the police were involved and should be brought to book for it, and that they want some police force group that has been formed to crack down on them all, to be disbanded.
However, the leaflets now circulating on the ground ‘explaining’ this reign of terror go with a slightly different, yet more realistic reasoning, and that is that the ‘Mungiki’ say they have not been paid their ‘protection’ monies from various government ministers for the last few months. They had no part in the general election and therefore gained no rewards from that, and now that the Kikuyu’s have not taken a majority in the parliament and just to prove how powerful they are, they are going to paralyse operations in Kenya just to show that ‘all is not normal’ just because a cabinet has been named and all is ‘apparently well’.
They also explain that they are the ancestors of the ‘Mau Mau’ and that they brought independence to
In this leaflet, there were apparently some ministers actually named of who they generally receive money from quite regularly, and reading it seems to me to make quite a few other discrepancies in our world here add up a lot better.
I personally will keep that bit of gossip to myself as like a true Kenyan I like to do some serious stirring of the pot and then keep all the best meat for me !!
”make your girlfriend worship you by adding some more inches to your shaft”,
“14 different ways to crush pain and inflammation” or
“decrease your cellulite, lose body fat and increase your libido”
…….. Oooh, Oooh, Oooh, hold on, I didn’t delete that one did I?
Damn, Damn, Damn….,
I shall resort to this ………
But just as I was about to lob the computer out of the first floor window, some inspiration appeared on my screen in the form of a “Reuters News Alert”.
Listen to this,
“Porn star unveils Italy campaign weapon – her bottom”…..…..
But of course, what else is essential is any political office, besides a nice, pert bottom ??
I read on ….
Targeting her male fan base, the veteran of
If elected, D'Abbraccio wants to create a red light area with strip clubs, erotic discos and sex shops called "
"People don't want to see these politicians' faces anymore," she told Reuters in an interview from her
As for experience, D'Abbraccio acknowledges she is a political novice but she did play a powerful lawmaker in an adult film called "L'Onorevole".
"I played the part of the speaker of the lower house of parliament, who got very hot and then let herself go," she said.
Excellent, she sounds like an exceedingly special candidate for any political agenda, with her ‘cute’ and ‘clean’ ideas ….
Ms D’Abbraccio for President I say.
At least it’ll be much more entertaining than this lot we’ve got ourselves stuck with over here I’m sure, and I’d rather my taxes were wasted on ‘erotic discos’ and ‘strip clubs’ than wasted lining some fat oaf’s personal pockets!
I’ve no idea why any Universities bother to teach any courses at all in “Politics”, as obviously the only qualification it takes to enter into any political assembly worldwide is to be a complete twit. And the bigger the twit you are, the higher up the political ladder you are likely to climb!
NAIROBI (Reuters) - Kenya's opposition suspended talks with President Mwai Kibaki's party on Tuesday and police fired teargas to disperse opposition supporters protesting at deepening deadlock over a power-sharing cabinet.
Kibaki and his rival Raila Odinga traded blame on Monday after a disagreement over how to share ministries delayed the naming of the cabinet for the second time in two days.
"We have resolved that negotiations ... be suspended until (Kibaki's party) fully recognises the 50/50 power-sharing arrangement and the principle of portfolio balance," Anyang' Nyong'o, secretary-general of Odinga's Orange Democratic Movement, told a news conference.
The protests in Nairobi's Kibera slum were the biggest since Kibaki and Odinga reached a power-sharing deal in February to end a crisis that killed at least 1,200 people after Kibaki's disputed re-election in December.
"People are burning tyres and shouting. Police are firing teargas and also firing into the air ... I think there are over 100 protesters," said witness Justine Mokua.
TEMPERATURE RISING
The tough words from both sides have revived fears for political progress and modest economic recovery in Kenya.
"I believe the temperature is rising among Kenyans and so I pray things won't get out of control," said John Mwangi, a 50-year-old businessman in Nairobi.
Most of the disagreement centres on a handful of ministries that Odinga's ODM said Kibaki's Party of National Unity (PNU) had promised to give up.
Odinga, the country's prime minister-designate, said he was ready to discuss the cabinet again with Kibaki once there was "clarity" over the disputed ministries. Kibaki said he was ready to conclude the process at the earliest possible opportunity.
"The reason they want them is because there's money there," she said. "If there is a corruption-free government it shouldn't matter who has what. It seems everybody is bent on securing something for themselves and that's what makes us upset."
Mmmm, 'corruption' - you don't say!
.... and then this from our own Nation Media Alerts:
Message from PNU MP's to ODM: Drop conditions and resume talks, Kibaki hands not tied by current Cabinet, ready for lean Govt - or even fresh elections.
Then we'll move onto the house ........ well a bit of it anyway (you know the sneak preview - gosh don't you love it), without revealing all .....
Then this is the garden (or the middle of it anyhow) .......
It’s not like to keep my big mouth shut for so long, but I have been moving house, - which 9 out of 10 dog owners agree is highly stressful!
Anyway I have survived the ordeal and can now report that every last box has been unpacked and every last picture has been hung up on the various walls, and although my back hurts, my legs hurt and my arms feel like I’ve been heavyweight boxing (oooooh nice pun J), I am so very proud of my little self for getting it all sorted so that I can finally sit down and get down to some serious blogging.
Have been trying to keep up with the
I have been a little concerned about their plight after seeing what happened to us lot here in Kenya after what we all felt was an extremely peaceful election, and now look at the mess we are involved in, and I might add, are STILL in the process of fighting our way out of.
Although we have light our end, we are yet to be basking in its full warmth, like we felt we would be by now. Coalition governments are not all that bed of roses that Kofi Annan seemed to promise us all.
The latest news we have on that front is that “the cabinet shall be named on Sunday” – according to the latest Nation media update. Actually, it’s not the first ‘breaking news update’ we’ve had through in the past couple of weeks telling us that they are on the verge of naming the cabinet, so I’m not quite sure how seriously we should be taking this last bulletin.
As for the situation in Zimbabwe, I saw a brilliant interview on one of the international news channels, I forget which one, but it was a journalist interviewing one of Mugabe’s staunch supporters who is currently ‘Minister for the Totally Blind and Corrupt’ – or something like that – and he was arguing that all those reports coming out of Zimbabwe about Mugabe and the opposition leader Morgan Tsvangirai having talks were just a bunch of “April fool’s jokes” and “who says that just because the Zanu-PF party had perhaps lost the majority in parliament – it was according to this knowledgeable fellow – only by 96 to 93 seats so would have no bearing at all on the Presidential result !!
Also the most remarkable thing being reported about 3 of the parliamentary seats that have been won, is that the chaps with the winning votes had recently died.
So it seems not only do they have a bunch of phantom dead voters, even the candidates can be corpses too ! (Mind you, if you’ve ever watched the Parliamentary proceedings live from any country in the world, and watched them all sleeping, I’m sure it wouldn’t really make much difference if a few turned up in coffins.)
So my headline of April 1st of “Will He? Won’t He?” still looks very current. Latest news on the All Africa website says “they are having talks”, and yet according to the incumbents “”It’s all a load of rubbish made up by colonialist Westerners trying to assert their influence on
Personally I wouldn’t be surprised if they declare the Presidential result as less than a 50% majority on either side, have a run off with the two of them (which chances are Tsvangirai shall win hands down), but in the meantime Mugabe will have weaselled himself some kind of a deal where he can live out his days in a secluded life of luxury in Zimbabwe where those ‘colonialists’ won’t be able to take him to task for the incredibly suffering he has caused his people.
Whichever way it goes I do hope that
Other reports say this is not true and is absolute rubbish.
What do you reckon. . . . .
"April Fools" . . ?
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